<p>I just got a call at work from a good friend who said she has just been diagnosed with terminal liver cancer and has six months to live. I am completely in shock. I’m going over to visit her tomorrow night but I don’t know what to do for her. I want to be sensitive but helpful. Everything seems inadequate…</p>
<p>Cancer can go into remission and projected life expentancies can be wrong. I would go and be ready to listen. You might want to google “Last Lecture” by CMU Randy Pausch who had brain cancer and spoke about it before he died.</p>
<p>Bernie Siegal is a retired oncologist who is a motivational speaker and has some thoughts about spontaneous remissions and living fully.</p>
<p>It is always tough to figure out what to do in these situations – mostly we take the lead from the person who has been diagnosed and see what they want. We have a loved one who is undergoing chemo for cancer that is spread & no one is sure where it started. She’s doing well with the chemo & we will be visiting her in a few weeks. We have been feeding her a steady diet of upbeat news, music and encouraged her on positive thinking and comedy. Her brother has noticed a striking improvement in her outlook on life–from perpetual pessimist to more of an optimist. Who knew?</p>
<p>Just listen, and abandon any need on your part to ‘do’ anything for her because it makes you feel better. People who are dying often get overwhelmed by the people around them who are constantly asking what can I do for you. They will almost always tell you when they need something.</p>
<p>Also, if you can, locate a copy of a small booklet called ‘Gone From My Sight’. It is a very easy read (ten to fifteen minutes) and will teach you more about the dying process, which in turn allows you to ‘be’ there for your friend as you will know what she’s going through.</p>
<p>One more thought (and I just learned this personally when my sister-in-law died in May from liver cancer)… don’t take it personally if she starts to withdraw socially and doesn’t want anyone in the house. My sister-in-law allowed only her husband and her parents (well, and the hospice workers). I know several of her friends were hurt that she didn’t let them in to say goodbye. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms and the best gift you can give is to respect them at this time, as hard as it may be for you.</p>
<p>One of my favorite quotes is, “We are human beings, not human doings.” Just be with her.</p>
<p>First, you have my sympathy and empathy as I recently have been in a similar situation. Two of my friends were terminally ill and died during the past 18 months. I saw both of them in person. What’s important is to be there and to listen. Just sitting in silence while holding their hand can make a difference. It’s also a good time to tell them that you love and appreciate them.</p>
<p>Also, don’t drop out of her life because she’s dying. If you don’t feel able to visit her, then e-mail, send cards, notes, call her on the phone. Also reach out to her family. They may appreciate your listening to them and offering to help.</p>
<p>If tears come, let them fall, and also be open to laughter, too. I did both with my dying friends. </p>
<p>Realize that while your friend is dying, she’s alive now, so may be very interested in the subjects that you always talked about, and may still be strong enough to do some things with you including some things that are physical activities.</p>
<p>Also, don’t be afraid of saying words like “death” and “dying.” Obviously, your friend is not in denial of her situation, so you don’t need to shy away from saying those words in the context of a conversation. </p>
<p>Similarly, don’t think you only have to talk about heavy subjects. Follow your friend’s lead in terms of conversation. </p>
<p>I found these sites very helpful when I was going through this with my friends:</p>
<p>[Helping</a> a Friend Who Is Dying](<a href=“Grandfolk - Confidence for Senior Buying Decisions”>Helping A Friend Who Is Dying)</p>
<p>[Talking</a> about Dying - Talking to a Dying Loved One](<a href=“http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/talking_2_dying.htm]Talking”>How to Talk to a Dying Loved One)</p>
<p>[How</a> To Help Your Dying Friend | How To Do Things.com](<a href=“http://www.howtodothings.com/family-relationships/how-to-help-your-dying-friend]How”>http://www.howtodothings.com/family-relationships/how-to-help-your-dying-friend)</p>
<p>I often recommend reading “On Death and Dying” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. My doctor recommended it many years ago when I was struggling with how to be the supportive friend and sister-in-law to a 40 year old woman with stage 4 breast cancer. It provides quite a lot of insight into how differently we “outsiders” deal with the process of dying compared to the person actually experiencing it.</p>
<p>My sister-in-law beat all of the odds. She has been cancer free for 9 years.</p>
<p>I’m really glad I read the book when I did. I currently have a close family member entering his last few days/weeks/months with lung cancer. It has really helped me to understand the process. What it doesn’t do for you is to tell you what to say…primarily because there really isn’t anything you can do or say to make the real problem go away. The good thing is that the book lets you know that it is okay to feel the way you do.</p>
<p>If you are really close, she may want you to help her do things…like go through papers, jewelry, closets…don’t refuse by saying, “No, because you aren’t going to die.” If it will make her feel at peace if she has things in order, help her if she asks…and if she lives for a long time, she’ll still have things in order (which we all need to do anyway.)</p>
<p>I am so sorry about this. I have little to add to the good advice already offered here, but I do have a couple of practical suggestions. If she is open to this, you might suggest getting a second opinion from a major cancer center, or looking into clinical trials. You could offer to help her find options, and there are plenty of people here who can help with information and recommendations.</p>
<p>Maybe someone else can remember the name…</p>
<p>There’s an organization that provides websites for people who are dying. Usually someone else is the administrator. Updates about the person’s condition are listed on it. You need a password to access them. You can post comments. </p>
<p>A colleague of mine died a few years ago. She had one. It was useful because the family didn’t have to answer a gazillion phone calls asking “how is X doing?” We could post our own comments and long after she was willing to talk via phone or towards the end able to talk or read, she enjoyed having everyone’s comments read to her once a day. </p>
<p>You might want to check into it and do this for her, IF SHE IS INTERESTED.</p>
<p>Might that website be caringbridge.org? I’m not sure if it’s exactly the one you’re talking about, but it’s similar, at least. I knew a girl who had (and eventually died of) cancer, and her mother kept a journal there to keep people updated about her condition, for better and for worse.</p>
<p>jonri - are you thinking about Caring Bridge?</p>
<p>[CaringBridge</a>. Free Websites That Support And Connect Loved Ones During Critical Illness.](<a href=“http://www.caringbridge.org/]CaringBridge”>http://www.caringbridge.org/)</p>
<p>A local athlete diagnosed with brain cancer had one of them. Even after her death, her website serves as a place for people to share their memories of this wonderful young lady.</p>
<p>I’m not sure if it is the same one, but it’s the same idea. </p>
<p>I’m not sure this is the first thing I’d mention to her, but in my friend’s case, it did help. We all knew when it was getting close to the end. One morning when I got into work, I logged in and learned she had died peacefully that morning. </p>
<p>So, one practical thing I can think of to help is to set up a site like this and do all the updating for it when she is no longer able to do it herself. </p>
<p>My friend found it easier to write --ONCE–I went to the doctor and he said the tumor is inoperable than it was to have to tell dozens of well-meaning friends that in separate phone calls.</p>
<p>Randy Pausch of CMU actually had pancreatic pancer.</p>
<p>So did a good friend of my W. My W helped out by helping her logistically when she could - taking her to the mall, helping do some Christmas shopping, stopping at Jamba Juice to get something to bring her, etc. She also would help out by going over and being with her for 2 or 3 hours so the family could have a chance to head out and go grocery shopping or run other errands - these terminal diseases are also very rough on the immediate family members both emotionally and logistically.</p>
<p>I just wanted to offer another perspective. I just found out a week ago that my Mother’s cancer has returned and is in her liver. Her only treatment option is experimental and she has opted not to do it. I was not surprised by her decision and I think it is the correct one. The odds of any kind of success from the treatment are low and pursuit of this kind of miracle comes at a price of pain and suffering. For her it isn’t worth it.</p>
<p>baymom – see if you can find your own peace here. If you’re at peace then your friend will sense that. Finding this kind of peace will be harder if your friend is young. Be supportive of whatever decisions she makes.</p>
<p>The Lance Armstrong Foundation also has helpful information for friends, family and the cancer victim including a free hotline that people can call. My friend who died of lung cancer, and her husband found the site very helpful.</p>
<p>[Lance</a> Armstrong Foundation: Get One-on-One Support](<a href=“http://www.livestrong.org/site/c.khLXK1PxHmF/b.2662949/k.73BB/Get_OneonOne_Support.htm]Lance”>http://www.livestrong.org/site/c.khLXK1PxHmF/b.2662949/k.73BB/Get_OneonOne_Support.htm)</p>
<p>Thanks, everyone, for this immediate outpouring of wonderful ideas. I am definitely going to gather these recommended readings and take some time with them this weekend. I took a psychology class on death and dying way back when in college and we read Kubler Ross. I have to pull that out for sure. </p>
<p>My friend is a very spiritual person and she works with at risk teens. She is actually more worried about what will happen to them than herself! One thing I know I can proactively help her with is finding a successor for her program and securing some funding for it. (My business is fundraising for non-profits).</p>
<p>I love the idea of the website (will investigate that as well) and could help her with that, too. She would probably embrace that - again - she is such a strong person she said she feels blessed that she has a six month “warning” to say good-bye, tie up lose ends, treasure friends and family. She’s also a gifted writer so I think this would be therapuetic for her.</p>
<p>As far as second opinions - this was the second opinion unfortunately. (I can’t believe she has gone through these tests and waiting and multiple doctor visits without telling anyone). They have told her there is a relatively new procedure they could try that could extend her life by a year or so but she is unsure she wants to do it. She wants to make sure she would have some quality of life that would allow her to “die a good death.” </p>
<p>Again, thanks for all of the feedback and ideas. I have never been through a terminal illness with a younger person before (I like to think of us as young still!) other than following Late to School’s illness on CC. I am going to re-read those threads again - they contained a wealth of wisdom and comfort.</p>
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<p>This is actually very common - dying people are more worried about the loved ones they leave behind and how they will cope. We often tell families and loved ones to tell the dying person that they will be OK… they will miss them terribly, but that they will all support each other and get through this because they’ve been such an important part of their lives. As a hospice employee, I almost always try to let patients know that we’re there as much for the family as we are for the patient. This often helps relieve some of their worry about how their loved ones are going to handle everything. </p>
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<p>This is so true. I’m embarassed to say that even some hospice workers prefer to use ‘pass away’ instead of dying. There are certainly appropriate times to take the gentle route, but I always find using death and dying keeps the conversation where it needs to be.</p>
<p>WHen my friend was dying, I made her a photo album. It was mostly of her dog, who came to live with us after she passed. When I went to visit her, I found that sometimes just talking about stuff, what was going on with my girls, the dogs, etc, was something she needed. Sometimes it was just a ten minute conversation. She would give me advice, something she felt good about being able to do. Don’t be surprised that as she gets more il, she will pull away, and not want to see people. Its not personal. Its just a way to ge through the days. My friend had a couple of really close friends who kind of managed the affairs of my friend. We would contact them about visits, and it was a good thing. We trusted them, and if they said it wasn’t a good day, it wasn’t a good day.</p>
<p>Look and see what part of her life you can help with, if she volunteered some where, lend a hand, if she has a pet, take the dog out for a walk, if she has kids, take them to the movies. With my friend, knowing others were fillng in her void gave her a sense of peace. When she knew we would take her dog after she was gone, you could feel the sense of relief in her knowing her baby would be in a good place.</p>
<p>Sorry about your friend, Baymom, and the sad news about your mom, Pea.</p>
<p>Thinking about what ilovetoquilt said, maybe it would be helpful for you to help her come up with a list of tips, words of wisdom, whatever that might help her successor carry on with the at risk teens without having to reinvent the wheel. You could interview her a bit each time you get together, get the tapes transcribed and then edit it into a binder or something. This might be a focused project that highlights her knowledge and contributions and still helps her be more at peace with passing the torch to someone else.</p>
<p>That’s kind of what “Tuesdays with Morrie” was like–a prof dying of ALS was giving his final course on life, but this would be to help carry on the legacy of the wonderful work she has started.</p>
<p>Yes, doing an video or audio interview would be wonderful if she’s willing. There is a cool livescribe pulse smartpen that records audio and text well that might be useful for getting everything down. It’s at Target, Costco & many other places (have no personal experience but it really looks cool).</p>