@Amarylandmom words it perfectly. “Kids experiment. We have criminalized the experimentation instead of criminal acts resulting from it (ie violence or theft). It is very unfortunate.”
Is there language in the dorm policy that allows the campus police to search? I realize he allowed the search but he was probably frightened and felt coerced. It’s to his credit that he was polite and didn’t lie. He sounds like a great kid.
Is the summons to real county/city court or to a university hearing?
I agree with the advice to read the university policy and obtain a lawyer. If these are real charges you want them expunged. I’m sorry this happened.
Not much more I can add to the multiple recommendations to lawyer up, other than to say that I’m so sorry your family is going thru this.
It’s not like any of the college professors & administration haven’t experimented w pot in their youth (some of them probably still smoke it as adults). Zero tolerance policies are just plain stupid, as is pot criminalization.
i believe there is language that says they can enter your room for probable cause, but may not search closets, drawers, etc. without search warrant. That would be police and university officials. Can’t enter without probable cause unless maintenance, etc.
Yes, agreed if he had known what to say that would have been better, but I didn’t even know. Most people don’t.
Good question concerning rules for both schools.
I will discuss with DH about getting an attorney. The police charged his with a misdeamonir and told him since it was his first offense he would get probation, have to take a class and pay a fine. The charge would be wiped from his record in 2 years if no more trouble. However, I think what a cop says is not what a judge would say. This is probably what would happen, but why take the chance, I agree.
I’m so disappointed in him, I don’t even know what to say to him. I was so looking forward to Thanksgiving break, now what a downer. Even if he is given another chance, we have the whole pot issue to deal with.
I think what may happen is this…if he can stay. Even if he made grades to move on to the flagship, they don’t let him. He will have to do yet another semester in the program with no issues. He will be so bummed, but a good lesson. I won’t even let him know I feel the least bit sorry for him, though I will. We are also bummed because now it means having him drive to classes in bad weather, instead of just experiencing true campus life as a freshman…walking to classes, etc.
So sorry you are going through this. I have no advice about the program, but please don’t be disappointed in your son. In my mind, he did nothing wrong and I would be proud of him for being honest.
I wouldn’t say he didn’t do anything wrong. Having pot in your room is taking a risk, admitting it not wise, but understandable. However, unless he is completely flippant and untouched by this, I would probably comfort and help him. It’s one thing when they haven’t learned a lesson, completely another when they got it, are the ones suffering the consequences, and really appreciate their parents not making it worse. If I thought the kid was a heavy duty pot smoker or a dealer, it would be different…I would read them the riot act. Otherwise, when I saw the kids sad face, I’d have to wrap him in my arms with sympathy. I’m a sucker, but that’s worked for our kids. Their adult mistakes have been self critiquing, few lectures needed!
@GTalum …you are sweet and I do appreciate your support. I’m assuming you meant morally wrong. I don’t think experimenting was morally wrong…although with everything else very personal and subjective.
But he did wrong in that it is illegal, it went against the school code and he is risking this opportunity…which really changed his life and outlook. Not to mention the expectations of his Dad and I. Yeah, he really screwed up.
I’m glad I’m not seeing him right now. I am quick to anger and can be white sarcastic when I’m angry. @busdriver11 ,thanks for the suggestion. This is a kid who is shaking in his shoes right now. DH said his voice was cracking as he was trying to hold it together on the phone. I’m not sure if I can hug him outright when I first see him, but I know to temper my words and anger and talk to him rather than scold him…which will just make him defensive and not hear. With his ADHD, he doesn’t listen well when extremely upset. But…I won’t hold back in telling him how disappointed I am in his decisions now that he has become a legal adult, and not much his DH and I can do for him when he messes up his life. Was it worth it? Was getting high really worth it?
Again–get a lawyer. Don’t leave it to the powers that be thinking probation is okay and the charges will be wiped out. You don’t know what the outcome will be or even the ramifications of being on probation.
Watch “Don’t talk to the cops” on youtube. It’s a video by a law professor and police. There are two parts.
There is another video by ACLU on how to handle situations with police particularly for teens/young adults–a traffic stop, a loud party etc. Unfortunately I can’t find the right name of the video (ACLU has too many).
Please, please resist the urge to verbally beat him up. If he has ADHD he already beats himself up daily about his self sabotaging choices and I can assure you he feels terrible right now. Really terrible.
Obviously you need to have a serious discussion about this. But, right now, while emotions are high and outcomes are uncertain he just needs your support and assurances. My best to you.
My son’s college has zero tolerance for drug abuse or dealing. Forget about special programs or scholarships.
OP’s son needs to regroup and plan for either contingency - he is kept in the program on probation, or he is expelled from it.
My brother was caught with pot at our house. Me and my other brother who found it debated calling the police or telling our parents. We chose the worse of the two, we told our parents and he was forced to live at home and commute. He managed to stop smoking pot and drinking, and graduated in six years.
It is immaterial what one’s opinion on pot is. Most colleges are smoke free anyway, so smoking pot in the dorms is like saying “hey, look at ME!”.
I would suggest two things:
get a lawyer for him if you can afford it
get him to a doctor to see if he is trying to self-medicate his ADHD
with the latter being more important.
Good luck conmama, I know you are going through other things as well
I have to second the advice to resist the urge to verbally beat him up.
And I’ll say that Thanksgiving break might be coming at a great time. Time enough for you all to cool down, time for him to step back from the environment where this happened and I hope, time for him to come home and see that as an adult he will have to deal and work through the consequences but that while mom and dad don’t have to coddle him, they have his best interest at heart, will perhaps help him to map out a plan moving forward and will give him the emotional support to know he can and will move past this and set foot on firmer ground.
SO many worse things than a little pot. I get it, pot is not good, not appropriate to have in his room. Accept the glass half empty situation and help give him the tools to make the glass half full again. We all need to know we can “rebound”.
Sending a hug! I also agree about seeking legal counsel. Investigate the discipline policy of the school. See if you can find out any other instances of judication. Look through the school and local newspapers archive. Sometimes it is helpful to go to a hearing with a plan already in place for counseling or proof of enrollment in such a program. I would also look into what programs are available for “volunteer community service” as this may be assigned to him.
Or that people, especially young people of high school and college age, occasionally make bad decisions. Not because A is more important than B, but because they inaccurately judge the risks and benefits of A when making the decision. Seriously, the kid made a mistake, just like hundreds of millions of other kids who have gone on to lead great and productive lives. Learn from it and move on.
I agree that he made a mistake. I also agree about getting a lawyer. I work in HR and we do background checks all the time. I can not tell you how many things like this are on records from 15-20 years ago and the individual always says “they said that would come off my record in 2 years”. Even if he I’d actually charged with the misdemeanor he should make sure he checks in 2-3 years that it has come off the record.
Agree about getting a lawyer - no question that it’s necessary. And agree with ahsmuoh … I have had 4 students who answered “no” to having been convicted of a crime on their HR paperwork for an on-campus job. They all had convictions … but thought the charges had been wiped from their records (or that the fact they only had probation meant they didn’t have a conviction). HR has a zero-tolerance policy for lying on the job app - these students will never be able to work on our campus (and none of their crimes would have excluded them from being hired had they answered yes). It’s really important for your son to know what the outcome of the court stuff means for him in terms of his future (and how to make sure any agreements to erase things really happen).
@JustOneDad …yep you sound like a Dad!! Just like my DH…who is not going to coddle him one bit. Actually, I was going to say to son that pot must be so important to him to risk this chance! Lots of good suggestions about a cooling off period and facing this turn of events calmly.
Also, thank you to whomever mentioned making sure anything is off a record that should be!
And the ADHD comment about beating himself up daily is true. He knows he’s not as smart or sharp as his friends. So I think he must do this to try to fit in…and he probably just likes it too.
As a mom of an imperfect son, I understand your anguish, @conmama. Hugs to you. Know many of us have been where you’re at right now… it’s heartbreaking. We get it.
I tell my D to always be polite and cooperative, but never consent to searches of her person and property and never answer questions unless they’re completely innocuous. And if she’s uncomfortable saying no, she can always say, “I need to talk to my parents first.”
