Put me in the coddle camp. It seems like such a minor thing to wreak such havoc. Don’t let him ruin this semester over the concern for next semester. Get a lawyer and deal with it but it sounds like he needs your love and support more than brow beating. Sometimes you need your parents to assure you that things will be okay.
“As a mom of an imperfect son, I understand your anguish, @conmama. Hugs to you. Know many of us have been where you’re at right now… it’s heartbreaking. We get it.”
Ditto on the hugs. Imperfect mother, mother of an imperfect son and an imperfect daughter. hey, just like everyone else!!
Mother of imperfect children … married to an imperfect man … imperfect myself. We all make mistakes, and we need the support of our families to help us deal with it and move on.
There is a difference between helping and coddling - assisting a kid with this situation, including hiring a lawyer, does not cross into coddling territory, IMHO. If your H doesn’t want any coddling, then maybe there can be some arrangement with your son to pay back some or all of the cost of the lawyer. But to not get the lawyer would be a mistake.
Be sure to tell him you love him and that he will get through this. Everyone in this world has made a dumb mistake at some point in their lives. Don’t let his disappointment in himself (which I’m sure he feels) cascade into something more serious and long lasting.
I wholeheartedly agree with getting a lawyer. One of my sons had a legal issue while in college (not drug related), and we hired a lawyer. We also made him pay us back for the lawyer. I’m not sure the outcome would’ve been the same without the lawyer, so it was worth it.
you know, he did wrong but family is supposed to be a sanctuary. I think he is probably torturing himself enuf. Don’t make him suicidal. He made a stupid mistake, he won’t die. he’ll learn.
Again thanks everyone…and so glad I came here to vent. I called him this afternoon and was calm and not jumping down his throat. Of course, I had to say some opinions that I had…but they were a minor part of the conversation. I told him we will have time to discuss stuff later.
He approached the director of the program himself and she wasn’t aware of the situation yet. She said it is minor compared to others that didn’t get kicked out…but he may have to stay in the program another semester, and not matriculate to the univ. It is heartbreaking as he has worked SO HARD to beat the first bridge to do that. They checked his GPA and he is well over. But he said that it really hurts and he knows it’s his own fault, he hasn’t slept much. He says he realizes he will be lucky to stay in the program, and that he just needs to get past the disappointment of not getting in and move on if that’s what happens.
We talked for about 45 minutes and it was a good talk. I hope it alleviated some worry and it ended with “I love you’s”. I will keep everyone posted to the final decision…but thank you so much for insisting I not beat him up over this!!!
Good for you, conmama. As you expected, he is tormented enough as it is.
OP - As a mom with kids with ADD/ADHD there are some studies out there that say people with ADHD are more likely to self medicate with pot. Also supposedly they are more likely to become addicted. But there are also some studies that say pot can help with ADHD. So if it were me I would ask if this is a one time thing or if he has been using for a while and if it was somehow helping him focus. And if it does help and he is on a ADHD medication maybe it needs to be changed?
I warn my young patients with ADHD about attending colleges with zero tolerance policies. They don’t get it that one beer or one joint can derail their plans. If your son only has to stay on probationary status for an extra semester, he is truly fortunate. Lesson learned. Hugs to you, as it so hard to be a parent.
“He approached the director of the program himself and she wasn’t aware of the situation yet. She said it is minor compared to others that didn’t get kicked out…but he may have to stay in the program another semester, and not matriculate to the univ. It is heartbreaking as he has worked SO HARD to beat the first bridge to do that. They checked his GPA and he is well over.”
His honesty and directness is commendable and I’m sure the director was impressed. That, combined with his higher GPA, should help him. Tell him to remain in contact with the director. She can be helpful to him down the road by being in his corner. People truly like to help people worth helping, especially honest people who benefit from learning from a mistake. Almost everyone likes a redemption story.
“He approached the director of the program himself and she wasn’t aware of the situation yet.”
That is the beginning of adult behavior. I can’t say I would have done the same thing if I were 18. I hope his grades don’t drop due to the worry!
Congrats on raising such a mature young man who is going to move forward on this. I agree that he should stay in touch with the director who will likely back him for his maturity in reaching out to her. Hope he can sleep better and continue to move forward.
Thank you on your compliments about his maturity. That’s what I mean, he is just a good kid, tries to do the right thing…well in those types of situations anyway. He does own up in those rare circumstances he knows he’s at fault. I will tell him to keep in contact with her, so she knows he’s trying. She did tell him that they look at his grades, I’m not sure what for, other than to see how serious he really is.
I have also read about ADHD, high risk and self medicating, those are one of the things I want to discuss with him on break.
@bookworm that is one of the things I will stress to him he he does get to continue…he almost ended up back home. He declined other universities as he wanted to go to this one so badly, that he was willing to do the bridge program. So who would take him at this point.
Yay for staying positive! My son was dx ADHD as a college senior/adult, and being positive in the face of mistakes and screwups is so important. Because, their learning curve is sooooooooooo long. There will be other mistakes no matter how sincerely he regrets the action of today – and don’t doubt that he sincerely regrets the dumb. We’ll keep our fingers crossed but no matter what, he will have you to anchor him.
Personally I would have visited the lawyer before the director.
@conmama, after reading your other thread, I’m thinking this can’t be helping your health. Take care of yourself, please!
I agree with @MichiganGeorgia on the self-medication.
I’ve worked with special needs clients and in our district, they provided training on the combinations of medications some of our ADHD kids used.
In one of our trainings, they explained that kids self-medicated because it helped to make them feel “normal”. The medical people told us about the connections in the brain that lacked certain transmitters. Pot/weed filled in the gaps.
Everyone seems to agree to get an attorney. If this was local police (and I can’t seem to find that confirmation,) yes, for that police matter.
But he has a second issue: how the school reacts. You have to get that handbook of rules, google it, if you must. An attorney may not be able to help you with that aspect, may not even be familiar with the school codes, and may not have a place in the school review.
I think he was right to speak with the advisor, face this squarely. Wising you the best.
^^ I agree with LF. You don’t want to go in with guns blazing. Your son was awesome to take the initiative to approach the advisor. I hope you’ve told him how impressed and proud you are that he took responsibility like that.
You may want to contact the advisor yourself. She probably can’t tell you much, but you can just let her know that you’re available for any conversation they may want to have with you, to provide health history, background, anything they may need. Just to let them know that your son has backup in his taking-responsibility mode, and you stand ready to assist in any way.
Also, I’d suggest asking her what you can do to help clear this up as quickly as possible. The sooner the better, for your son’s sake, so that he can have a clear mind again. The one thing you really don’t want is for it to drag on for weeks or months.