<p>I have been debating whether or not to post this topic for quite a while. I have a D who is a sophmore in HS. It’s very different to raise this D after my S. My S is very easy going, laid back and doesn’t worry about much. Which is good and bad.</p>
<p>My D on the other hand is so unhappy in her HS. She feels that she doesn’t have any friends and that she is not connecting with anyone. We are in a small competitive public school district. The small classes and individual attention are great, very much like a very expensive private school. It has been great for my S. But it also limits opportunities for making friends. To compound things, my D class is very boy heavy and the girls in the class don’t connect. We have tried to have her make friends in other grades but that is not going well either. She is a little shy and not overly outgoing but neither was my S and he always had lots of friends.</p>
<p>My D seems to be stuck on the fact that we need to move. She seems to think that this is the only solution to her problem, that’s what I think is some of the problem. I do think that she is trying to improve things. She joined some clubs and activities to expand her social opportunities but she’s not making friends in these activities. </p>
<p>I just don’t know if we can move just because she thinks that this is the solution. One solution is for my H to transfer to another location. This might happen but he’s happy with his position now and is not in a hurry to leave. I don’t think that he would move within our city and with a child about to start college, I don’t think that I can afford private school tuition. </p>
<p>Besides the private schools are not as academically challenging as the public school that she is in now. She’s has a 3.8 uw and is not even working very hard. She is doing very well and I think that she needs to be challenged more, not move into a system where she would be challenged less.</p>
<p>Sometimes I wonder if this unhappiness is just her personality. When she is bored she complains and now school is the object of her complaints. I wonder if we make a drastic change to the rest of the family and still she won’t be happy.</p>
<p>I don’t think that she is depressed but I worry that she will become depressed. Does anyone have any advice.</p>
<p>my D2 went from a school with 50 in each grade to a school with 400 in each grade. although several of her friends moved with her- I encouraged them to join clubs and sports to make the transition.
While the Key club that met at lunch was OK, joining a sport team- that had practice everyday plus competitions, enabled them to meet kids across grade levels and out of their academic classes.
The coach was great- and she really had a great time meeting other kids that otherwise she would not know
( she is also in a community sport team- that she has been in for about 6 years- a couple of the kids go to her school- but most dont- we have found that it is also helpful to have an activitiy that isn’t connected with school- particulary as school for many years wasn’t very successful for her, and it was good to have friends that were outside of that)</p>
<p>My D is reserved and has always found making friends takes time. It’s hard to move out there and make yourself vulnerable. Perhaps your daughter could benefit from some friend-organizing; she might like to organize a small party or an event for a group of people she likes and doesn’t know well. Also, boys are okay as friends; some of my S’s best friends are girls. </p>
<p>My D found that making cookies for people worked well as a way or reducing her own shyness; she gave them to people with a note. (“Hi, hope you have a great day.”) They then came to her prepared to be nice.</p>
<p>Your D might benefit from a little role playing. So many of us have no idea what to say to start a conversation and where to go from there. During my husband’s corporate years, I would rehearse opening lines: “where are you from?” “what’s your favorite place in Seattle?” “do you have any children? oh, how do they like their school?” “how did you and your husband meet?”</p>
<p>has she tried getting involved with school activities? clubs and sports provide great opportunities to meet people with similar interests. i met all my friends through sports and clubs.</p>
<p>She may not realise it, but a move to a new location may be worse than the current situation. MY D also has gone through a tough time adjusting to the social aspects of HS. A therapist did wonders for her: someone to tell her that what she feels is fairly normal, someone for her to vent to.</p>
<p>D has conceded that the therapist hasn’t told her much that we didn’t as parents, but the third party objectivity helped her.</p>
<p>Also, depression is a very real and common condition for today’s high school students. My D told us of an acquaintance at her school who is +happy and outgoing on the surface, but who cuts herself with razor blades at home.</p>
<p>The inability to make same sex friends would be high on my worry list. Whether it is shyness or a misreading of social cues, children should develop a sixth sense about social interactions to go forward in life. </p>
<p>If your D is not developing those skills, it is worth investigating professional help. Talk to the school guidance couselor. Find out what teachers think when they see her interactng with peers in school. </p>
<p>We all need our piece of terra firma in life and it is much easier to find it when we stand with our friends.</p>
<p>Thanks, she is involved with sports and clubs. She was really happy during her sport. She has not connected with the team after practice was over, I’m going to try to persuade her to contact a girl from her team to practice.</p>
<p>m&sdad, thanks. I do think that she might need some therapy. I wonder what the best course would be to find a good counselor.</p>
<p>her high school may also have a health clinic
the clinic at our school does- and also has a group run by an MSW
a group may be helpful- because she can practice new ways of interacting in a safe environment- and she won’t have the pressure of “mom thinks theres something wrong with me so I have to go to a shrink”- a group may not be as threatening-</p>
<p>Finding a good therapist, particularly for an adolescent, is a tough job. We finally found the right one for my son on about the fourth try. Hang in there and, if things do not seem to be going anywhere after a few months, don’t be afraid to try a different one.</p>
<p>deb922 - I am hoping that your hs has a decent social worker on staff? There is one at my S’ old hs and we found her to be a wonderful resource to talk about concerns re kiddo and social issues. Such a person can give you insights on what she sees, can confer with other faculty (or if you don’t wish this, pick up information from other faculty indirectly). She can also be a source of recommendations for good therapists with teens. Ours could even be specific re those good with boys vs. girls.</p>
<p>If no SW, perhaps nurse/GC office performs some of this function?</p>
<p>In our case, our concerns were resolved just by speaking with the SW and to a great extent, unfounded.</p>
<p>It’s so impossible to generalize from another’s experience, but I have a friend who moved D to another school in hopes of solving socialization issues. It didn’t work. I think it really best to help her get the help she may benefit from.</p>
<p>As far as I’m concerned, we bleed harder when our kids hurt than when we do ourselves. Please know that we feel with you.</p>
<p>Thanks jmmom, it means a lot. I am glad to hear that changing schools is not the only answer, I worry that you change the location without changing the behavior.</p>
<p>I’ll call the vice principal. She is the person that you call about social issues. It’s hard because she is also the one I have to deal with in scheduling and we don’t always see eye to eye.</p>
<p>FWIW, my D came home today and is trying to be happier. We talked and some of it is forced but she’s trying to make the best of her situation. She called someone and they went to a club meeting, I think that it’s a good sign.</p>
<p>I really feel that she needs to talk to someone other than her Dad and I. Her father being a man sees things differently he see relationships the same way I see my S handle relationships. My D reads things into the actions of her friends and feels deeply when they don’t go the way she wants or her friends don’t give her the attention that she wants. </p>
<p>My S just handles his friendships differently. He doesn’t read anything into what his friends are doing. If they hang out with someone else, so what, he’ll find someone else to hang out with. Much less complicated and so much easier for Mom. Of course, sometimes I not sure of the people that he hanging with but I trust him to do the right thing.</p>
<p>deb:
I don’t knowo anything about your situation, but with one of my sibs, we discovered that a person is about as happy as they make up their mind to be (is that Mark Twain?) And changing locations might no help, if you bring along the same attitude. There is something to be said for attitude affecting everything.</p>
<p>of course, clinical depression is different and their really are “mean girls” and odd places in time where things do seem aligned against you.</p>
<p>It is tough to determine which is your case, but look back over her history…is it always this way, with varying degrees of intensity or is this unusual for her? Can you find out from a staffer you trust (to remain confidential) whether there is any odd mean girl dynamic?</p>
<p>My D3 changed schools this year, 11th grade. There is no way my older two would have been able to do it as well, within about a week or two, she had a casual boyfriend, at her conferences, her teachers all know her & love her. it was not easy, she cried in the beginning, but I am firmly convinced it is her sunny personality and ability to temper her expectations to reflect possibly realities, and then let life unfold. MY D1 would have likely had a break down in this situation! SHe, too, would evaluate every person’s motivation in everything & keep score as to who invited whom to which party, etc. My youngest just rolls with the punches, and life is pretty sweet for her…and much simpler for me!! So, you’ll have to consider your D’s historical personality style.</p>
<p>deb922: you could be describing my D in her soph year of HS. Her self-esteem was very low and any social slight was seen as validation of her low self-perception: that she was stupid, fat and ugly. Now I’m not saying that your D has issues like that but it may be the same in that connecting socially was difficult because of what she perceived - that people viewed her as poorly as she viewed herself.</p>
<p>Her life changed around by seeing a counselor. The first thing the counselor did (because diagnosing pretty deep depression and getting her on medication) was identify ADD issues, albeit mild ones. ADD medication promptly and positively helped her academically and, suddenly, she wasn’t stupid any more. Once that little bit of self-esteem was in place, it was easier to tackle the other issues.</p>
<p>Seeing a therapist gave her a “safe” place to talk about her issues. We were always very open with her and stressed that we were there for her to talk to. But when some of your issues ARE your parents, it doesn’t really matter how supportive and communicative we are, they’re not going to talk about their problems to us!</p>
<p>I’m not saying your D is depressed or has any of these issues. But I don’t think there’s no such thing as bad therapy (given that you have the right therapist). And BassDad makes a great point: with teenagers, it’s all about who they “click” with and it may take some trial-and-error to get the right counselor. But they’re worth their weight in gold.</p>
<p>Deb,
One thing that struck me was what you said about your D feeling it deeply when she doesn’t get the attention she wants. You might want to explain the concept of a “high maintenence friend”. You know what they are…we’ve all had them. They are the ones who pout and say, “Why haven’t you called me?” or “You didn’t sit with me at lunch today.”</p>
<p>I read once that when we put expectations on others, it’s as if we are putting a cage around them. Nobody likes that. They just want to get away from people who are burdening them with expectations. Maybe you could help your D understand the difference between focusing on herself and what she is getting out of the friendship and focusing on how she can benefit her friends.</p>
<p>Another thought would be to have your D start a gratefulness journal. Each day she would write down 3-5 things she is grateful for…and they can’t be the same things every day!</p>
<p>Have you considered having your daughter find a job?</p>
<p>I am thinking of such things as – helping out at a horse farm, bussing tables at a restaurant, perhaps volunteering at the library –</p>
<p>In my experience, feeling useful can do wonders for one’s self-esteem. Also, this can create an opportunity to make friends without a lot of pressure to do so.</p>
<p>a man is moving across country. he stops at a small cafe just minutes away from his new home. he asks the waitress "what are the people like in my new hometown of ‘pleasantville’ " the waitress replies, “what were the people like in your old hometown?”</p>
<p>the man replies “they were jerks and creeps”. the waitress replies, “that’s what you’ll find in pleasantville”</p>
<p>a few days later, another man passes through the same cafe and chats with the same waitress. how strange, he, too is moving to pleasantville. so he asks “how are the people in pleasantville”</p>
<p>the waitress responds, “how were the people in your old hometown?”</p>
<p>“wonderful, caring, and kind,” he replies. </p>
<p>The waitress says, “that’s exactly the kind of people you will find in pleasantville.”</p>
<p>moral of story–your daughter will find whatever she’s looking for wherever she is…</p>
<p>I would certainly not move in your situation. It will be a very important lesson and experience for her adult life to face her problems, using the ideas suggested by other posters, rather than trying to move away from them.</p>
<p>On the other hand, it will be a very poor “lesson” for her if you are willing to literally drop everything, pull up your roots and move at her request. As you know, people will not be extending her such deference in her adult life.</p>
<p>I agree with fendrock and was going to suggest a job. My D was more or less thrown into a similar situation during her soph year of hs. And she was on sports teams, etc. but when our growing community opened a new hs, ALL of her good friends went to the new school. Her XC team roster went from 60 girls to 12 or so…and frankly the kids who were left were all 2 years younger and showed that in maturity. Her salvation came via marching band. And she did not play an instrument prior to joining but worked really hard to learn the tuba and does pretty well. Had she not learned the instrument, she was planning to join as a manager, just to be around the kids. At our school the band kids are almost all dedicated, upbeat and energetic–and they do things as groups or sections. I highly recommend it.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone who has responded. Very good suggestions! </p>
<p>Although I agree that you need to find like minded kids at the place you are, I do agree with my D that this particular school is not a great fit for her particular interests. It is very hard at a very small school to change your interests and friends. I went to a very small school and encountered exactly the same problems that my D is encountering.</p>
<p>ADad I really agree that we are not sending a good message to our D that we as adults should drop everything to make her happy. My H may have an opportunity to change jobs but it is not a certainity. We were glad at first that she would be open to changing schools in HS but now it has become a beast of it’s own.</p>
<p>It’s funny momnipotent the things that you have suggested for my D. She does run XC and had a great time during the season. There were only 6 girls on the team but she really liked a couple of the girls on the team. She is also in the band but again it is very small and she is the only person playing her instrument, the band does not do things as a group but it does give her something to do and she enjoys it.</p>
<p>We’ve never encouraged our kids to have jobs during the school year as we have felt that school should be their job. Both of my kids have summer jobs and my S has always had a lot of school work and activities during the school year. My D seems to have more free time and maybe she would benefit from a job during the school year. </p>
<p>Some of her problem I think is that she is very bored in school. The school has a reputation as preparing their kids very well for college. I think that sometimes they use “gatekeeping” to an extreme and trying to get your kids into more challenging classes takes an act of congress. She didn’t have a great 8th grade year and was not recommended for many honors classes. This year she is in Honors in Math and Science, both of which she has very easy A’s in. She was very bored last year in her classes and I thought that bumping her up in a couple of classes would help. She’s still making all A’s and not putting much effort into her classes. She is very bored in her Honors Math class, my S found this class to be very challenging. She is also very bored in her non-honors English class, she is really bored with the pace the class is moving.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the suggestions, I really appreciate them.</p>