As a single parent, I have spent the past 18 years giving absolutely everything to my little DD. She’s gone to small private schools all of her life and has been accepted to a small LAC for the fall. My question? What do I do with myself now? I’ve spent my whole life catering to her every need.
Congratulations on launching your DD! What an accomplishment, especially for a single mom. Now, do you!! It is time to find a new interest, put yourself more into work, look for companionship (especially if you did not want that dynamic while your daughter was still in the house) or volunteer. Trust me, its not just single moms that feel the loss. There are folk who are married that once the nest is empty realize that they have little to nothing in common with their partner. I have watched quite a few couples split after the kids left for school. Either way, separating from our babies is hard. You will find lots of company on this forum. Some of my best “friends” on CC are parents who I survived freshman year with. You will be in good company. Peace.
You are AMAZING. Thank you so much. I know no one who has had to deal with empty nest syndrome without a partner or other kids at home to see them through. I haven’t wanted the companionship of another to distract from my relationship with my DD which makes it even harder knowing she will be gone come august. I pray established couples are able to see this transition through
here is a link to a prior empty nest discussion.
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1795575-im-a-mess-can-we-talk-about-the-empty-nest-syndrome-p1.html
you’ll find there is LOTS of help for you on CC from parents who have been through this.
@MryIndMom, time to make a bucket list of your own. Take your time with it. I’m following your story! Although I’m a married SAHM and have 3 kids (the youngest is on her way!), I’m feeling much the same.
@redpoodles I had established lists before my mother died; pool/billiards, gardening, and the gym. Lost all of those due to my overwhelming desire to lay on my sofa after she passed. Trying to get back to them but find myself texting DD regularly while she’s away. I have my fair share of suitors trying to establish connections but my DD will always be my heart. It will pass.
Several months before my youngest left for college I started practicing being an empty nester. I cultivated some new friendships, went to cultural events that I would have skipped before, and joined a group to practice my long dormant second language. Work on it now so that you have some things to go to and people to be around.
Those sound like chores, @MryIndMom! I mean things like:
“See the Aurora Borealis with my own eyes.”
“Taste every single key lime pie in the Florida Keys.”
“Get front row tickets to a Van Morrison concert.”
“Sleep in a treehouse.”
“Write a stupid but hilarious Harlequin Romance novel.”
“Be on Good Morning America at 6 am with full make up and a giant cardboard sign.”
“Take a bath in chocolate pudding.”
Adopt a puppy.
On second thought… make that two puppies.
Or adopt 2 cats. Cats are easier to take care of and less demanding when it comes to traveling for a few days. 
@BunsenBurner - are you my twin! H and I adopted 2 little sister kittens last fall. They keep us laughing now that our 2 D’s are finishing college ( one undergrad and one getting her teaching credential).
My D’s friends adopted cats. Another fostered cats and kittens. Another still took in some international students for a modest stipend. She had mixed results–some were OK while others not so good.
Oh I suggested puppies precisely because they are needy and require a huge amount of attention. For an empty nest mom who spent her life catering to her DD’s every need, a couple of puppies should fill the gap rather nicely. There will be a lot of needs to cater to, but also a lot of affection returned.
Of course cats are way easier, but then OP would have time in her day to think wistful thoughts about her daughter’s absence.
after our old beloved cat died in June, we adopted 2 kittens in Nov- what a difference it has brought!
having “babies” in our home to care for and laugh at has lifted our spirits immensely !
If you’re not sure–fostering is a way to have pets in your life on a temp basis.
It’s hard, no matter what. But it is easier with a partner to share the grief, so I won’t sugarcoat that. Let yourself grieve, because it is a loss. But you are doing the right thing by facing it head on now, being proactive.
Do you have friends that would be willing to take a trip, even a long weekend? I found that looking forward to a trip soon after becoming an empty nester gave me something to be exited about. Yes, it’s a temporary distraction, but I think it took the edge off the unhappiness because I was planning and looking forward to it.
I love dogs, but didn’t feel like caring for anything like that anymore, so that might not be a choice. However, I have to say if I was single, it surely might be. A dog would be a great companion. I’ve had 2 dogs before, and wish now it was just one.
You will have to keep yourself busy, you know that. You will have to muster up the strength to get out there and socialize. Look upa meetup group. What about a big religious organization, where you could join in, maybe a book club or volunteer projects they have? Big religious organizations have tons of volunteer opportunities, even just taking care of the wee ones while parents attend services.
I can promise you that you will get used to it, if you don’t wallow. It’s easy to do that. For me, it took about 2 months, then I found the empty house and children not coming home wasn’t as weird anymore. It just sort of dawns on you that you feel better and are ok. Sure, it still hits sometimes, usually when they come home then leave. I hate that. But I know then I’ll be ok. You’ll be ok!
Our youngest is in college now. I loved having my three at home, but I also am loving this new stage. It’s all about your attitude about spending time with yourself.
I look at the empty nest as a time of joy and renewal. And freedom.
(Begins humming Cat Stevens:
“If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there’s a million things to be
You know that there are…”)
We are having a fabulous time. We eat what we want, when we want. We have taken some wonderful trips both overseas and very locally. I joined two book clubs, spend time on enjoyable forms of exercise, lost 20 pounds. I am working on decluttering and working on a long term project of digitalizing 100 years of family photos and papers. I have plans to take some classes moving forward.
The empty nest is as much a time for YOU to discover yourself as college is a time for your child to do the same.
With that in mind, if you have always been a pet person, then go ahead and adopt a dog or cat, but do it for the right reasons, not as a means of distracting yourself from your discomfort at being (alone? Free? Fill in the blank). This can be a powerful moment. Let yourself experience it.
I lost my mother unexpectedly last summer, and then all three of my kids left home within the next couple of months for good reasons. My advice to you is to feel what you feel at every point and don’t try to force yourself into a model that doesn’t work for you. If you are sad, afraid, lonely, be those things and acknowledge that they are normal so you can get through and past them. Also, don’t let anyone minimize or invalidate what you are feeling, no matter what it is. One of the best things I ever did was be honest with my kids that I was having a hard time last summer and fall. They are wonderful people and couldn’t have been more supportive. I would never advocate dumping parental stuff on kids (even newly-adult children), but they have eyes, ears and hearts, so they know. I’m sure your daughter will know, too. As I was grieving and dealing with the worst of it, my kids were the best support I could have had. By letting them be a part of my own growth process, we all benefited in a way that wouldn’t have been the case if I had tried to hide things from them. They enjoyed hearing about the new things I was doing and experiencing and were cheering me on from the sidelines, and often had fantastic suggestions for things I could do and even connected me with new people. I think our relationships are stronger because they were having new experiences at the same time and we could compare notes. Try new things that you never thought of before, wander around in your jammies and eat breakfast for dinner if you want. We actually got a puppy and joined a puppy play group, which brought an entire group of human friends. Do something special for yourself to celebrate the milestone you have achieved in your life with having brought your daughter successfully to adulthood. That’s about you, too. But be gentle because it’s a whole new life and those always bring challenges. I really struggled before they left home, particularly my son-my baby-my life. But you know, when you see them succeeding and enjoying their new lives and the role you still have in it, an empty nest can be wonderful, fun, exciting, peaceful. I would never in my wildest dreams have guessed that, but it’s really true.
When my oldest went to college I was physically ill because I had no frame of reference to know that I would have a place in her life, and had expected it to be a door closing. Based on the wisdom I gained on CC, I gave her space and didn’t contact her - I let her take the lead. After her first couple of days of orientation, she texted me “Mom, I’m in the sun with no sunblock and there is nothing you can do about it.!” to tease me. I realized then that it wasn’t the end, it was just different, and different has been absolutely amazing. Good luck and be good to yourself!
Congrats to you! I was a single mom, too, for much of my D’s life, with no family except parents 1600 miles away. My ex lived 8 states away and rarely visited. From age 4 until 14, we were on our own, living in a new place. It’s both the best & hardest job in the world. My D is going away in the fall & I am wondering the same thing. My heart goes out to you, I don’t know how I will do it either. I have been in a relationship since she was 14 & he’s wonderful with her, they will always have a close relationship however his & mine might have run its course so I might be alone once she leaves. No hard feelings, I encourage their relationship, he has been a father to her & will continue to be.
I agree with the other posters, volunteer, it’s great to help others. I’ve been volunteering at our local aquarium working with the animals. Considering adult literacy work, whatever feels right to you. Have regular meetings with friends or join local interest groups, you can put a toe in the water via facebook with many of these groups before you commit. Travel if you are able, there are great travel groups even if you dont know anyone. Use this time for you! Learn to paint or horseback ride, whatever you have always wanted to do! But above all, be proud of yourself, you poured years of love & nuturing into a new human for the world! Feel confident you’ve given her the best tools you could and enjoy watching her make her way - think of all the fun there is to come for her and for you!
@zoosermom Nailed what I was going to say. Please feel what you need to feel!!! It is okay to choose not to associate with people who don’t understand you right now. My S is finishing his first year away and he will not be coming home for the summer! Yes, it really is painful to even think about, but my reality. I’m fine with his summer plans because I’m proud of who he is and what he is doing.
For me, my marriage ended and I prepared to launch him at the same time. It has been extremely difficult and I still have very difficult moments, but I’m also enjoying discovering my new normal. I have a great support system and I reach out when I’m really having a hard time. However, I’m careful with who I share that vulnerability with because some people just don’t understand. I think people who say “are you crazy, enjoy it because I did/I will” are being insensitive to the place you are in. I’m not willing to subject myself to those people.
I also found that my S calls and video chats me much more than I ever expected. He misses our day to day interactions just as much as I do. That has been comforting for me. I know this may change as he continues to spread his wings, but I will enjoy where we are at this moment for now.
Sending you a cyber hug and an offer to PM me to commiserate any time!