Obviously this is a sensitive issue, if anyone has had this experience, please share. I’d really like to get some advice.
I have not had this experience but I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
I am so sorry for your loss. I haven’t had this experience but am a good listener if you need a private space to discuss your thoughts.
So sorry for your loss. Hope you can find peace moving forward.
I am sorry for your loss. A friend who lost a parent with whom she had been estranged for decades said she was mourning the relationship she’d never had and never would. Sending cyber hugs.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you’re reaching out.
@conmama do you have siblings with whom you had a positive relationship?
Regardless of your relationship…losing a parent is a loss. I’m sorry for your loss.
So sorry for complicated situation. I will be facing the same in a few years. My mother is over 90 and we have been estranged. I wouldn’t know how I will feel.
We had a normal mother-daughter relationship until 4 years ago when my Dad died. We had a fight and parted very angry. She was to come back home with me and after our fight (the first yelling fight I ever had with my Mom…and I was the first to yell), she told me she wasn’t going anywhere with me. For the most part she was a sweet woman, but she had an alley cat side to her not many people know about. Lots of dysfunction in the marriage, which made a dysfunctional family.
I feel guilt for yelling, but I don’t feel guilt for not reaching out first. I was trying to protect her finances from my other siblings, and she seemed to fight me all the way. DH says it’s probably because she was under my Dad’s thumb for 56 years, and now she wasn’t going to have someone tell her what to do. She didn’t know what they had, write a check, etc. so much, much more things that transpired than that.
I just felt she was the Mom and should reach out. She left the country to go live in another one where they had a condo and lived part of the year. Not a goodbye, hows the grandkids, nothing. I was told she was suffering from dementia this last year, but that doesn’t excuse the 3 years before that.
Just processing how to grieve and coming to terms with the loss of my past life.
I suspect that the dementia was there in the previous three years, but not as obvious as in her last year. Dementia can make people behave in weird ways.
For the last four years, you’ve felt justified in your reactions to her behavior. Her death, while sad, won’t change that. As @gardenstategal said, it’s understandable that you would mourn the loss of your relationship as well as the fact that, with her death, the relationship can’t change.
So sorry for your loss. Just as others have said, it is a very real loss, no matter the state of your relationship. And I strongly agree with what @VeryHappy is guessing - that the dementia was already in progress, and may very well have driven her behavior.
I am so sorry for your loss. My dad had a lot of guilt when his parents died, and he held on to it for years. It made him very bitter. His parents were not nice people, and they did some really awful things to him over the years. I tried to help him understand that he was not responsible for repairing a relationship that his parents never cared to cultivate.
You could not fix the person your mother was. You did what you felt was best, for reasons that made sense to you. It further strained what sounds like an already strained relationship, but life is messy. Please forgive yourself.
So sorry for your loss.
@conmama, I don’t have advice to offer but I send my sympathies to you and your family for the loss and any emotional feelings.
Did you kids have a relationship with your mom? How are they doing?
Do you have a relationship with your siblings that you can talk about your feelings?
My grandma had Alzheimer’s. My mom and her siblings figured out that my grandpa (who was very controlling) was covering up the extent of her dementia. It was only after his death (and it took a few years) that they discovered that grandma wasn’t functioning. So dementia can take a long time for those close to them to recognize. There is a lot of denial involved.
I’m really sorry. It really stinks when we have these complications.
So sorry for your loss. I agree with others that dementia may have influenced your mother’s behavior before it was diagnosed, but that doesn’t really change how her behavior impacted you. My mother is still living, but we’ve had a conflicted relationship most of my life. I’m not sure how I’ll feel when she dies, but I know that I’ll miss the relationship I wish we could’ve had.
I had/have a very dysfunctional relationship with my parents as well. Being estranged complicates the grief process for sure. As someone else mentioned, you are grieving not only the loss of your mother, but also loss of the inability to reconcile the relationship.
I would also bet that your mom already had dementia as it doesn’t just start right away.
It is often very therapeutic to be able to write letters to heaven. You can still tell you mom what you hoped for and your feelings.
I’m very, very sorry for your loss!
Do you have a therapist? If not, I highly recommend.
It’s not easy to lose a parent! I was estranged from my father for over a decade, and rarely thought about him.
However, when he passed, I was very surprised by the jumble of mixed up emotions that welled up within me. It felt confusing to have all those conflicting emotions.
Be kind to yourself! Big hug!
Oh ladies, I’m having a very very bad morning, all of your posts have been helpful, thank you so much. To make matters worse, my Oldest son left this morning to his new life and job in Austin. I haven’t cried yet for Mom until today. It started when son left at 6, and has turned into a mourning sobfest for my mom. I miss my mom.
You know, I don’t feel guilty about our final angry words or even the estrangement, although I know how strange that sounds.
I was a very good daughter and she a mother (up until then I guess), and I miss her and it hurts to know I’ll never hear voice or feel a hug or hug her back, or buy her a present. I can’t stop crying.
I am so, so sorry. My mom died 3 years ago. She had dementia. The years leading up to the diagnosis were so very difficult. My once loving, sweet mom was mean, vindictive and angry. We had periods where she refused to speak to me. She would get pissed about something while visiting (we lived a 4 hour car ride apart) and take off for days and then come back and act like nothing had happened. I may have ended our relationship, but my younger brother has died and I felt guilty and obligated to take care of her.
I have been in therapy for about 2 years now and it really has helped me deal with my feelings. It was hard to accept my best was truly good enough. Being ill didn’t give her a pass to treat others poorly. And forgiving myself has been spiritual. I hope you find peace.
I texted my sister earlier this week that lately all I have are good memories. I remember her healthy and kind. Even in my dreams now, it is my old mom. I hope you find the same relief soon.