So sorry for your loss. And having your son leave today is also a loss. Crying is okay, a normal reaction really. You have so much to process–a therapist is a great place to start.
So sorry for your loss, conmama. Big cyber hugs.
I’m so sorry. You have every reason and right to mourn and cry. So much healthier than shoving it down. What a big transition time for you. It’s okay to know the relationship was justified and to miss her presence. What I’ve discovered is that this grief is something you learn to live with it’s not something you get over. I hope there is someone around who can help you process everything.
My sympathies for your loss.
I am sorry for your loss. My brother and I were estranged from our father for many years when he died in 2005. He left our family for another woman when I was 14 and my brother 10. We had limited and unsatisfactory contact with him in the years after he left. We recently had a conversation that included comments on how we still have unresolved issues related to our dad after all these years. I think the analogy of having a wound that heals, but with scar tissue and some residual pain applies for us. I hope you will be able to move forward in a way that works for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Be comforted by the fact that dementia shows up long before we realize it and that the dementia likely fueled that last disagreement. One will never know but if you and she were good daughter and mother before that let the pain from that exchange and the estrangement go. Focus on the times before that and give yourself room to mourn that mommy daughter relationship
I don’t have it in me right now to answer each of you individually. Just please know the things you’ve said I’ve taken to heart and find very comforting.
I also want to give more attention to your feelings on this being heightened because your son left today. From what you have said on posts regarding him leaving to a new city, I think that alone is an emotional bear for you. I hope he keeps you in the loop as he settles in his new place and that you find positive and some joy in his new adventure - and maybe a little positive to focus on during this emotionally conflicting time with your mom’s death.
Sending heartfelt sympathies from here too. I know when my dad died last August it surprised me how much it hit me considering we’d been estranged on and off (his call) since my high school years. So many memories flooded back and that knowledge that we’d never talk again. I knew a mental illness on his end was involved so accepted him as he was, but we weren’t close and it still hit me more than I ever predicted.
Then my mom passed away last Thursday. I had ample forewarning that was coming due to cancer (dad’s was a heart attack) and mom’s last week was horrid so death was technically a blessing, but the emotional hit is still awful. We confided weekly or more often - daily the last few months - and now I have no one to share all my daily activities with (besides H). We had a new foal born this morning… can’t call mom (or dad) to share. I think the feeling is loneliness coupled with longing.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s something about losing one’s parents regardless of how close one was. I agree there’s that “what could have been” aspect when there isn’t the “what was” aspect. Seems you have both pending what time period you’re thinking about.
FWIW, I still hate it when my lads leave. I thought I’d get over that. In a way I have. Life moves on. We’ve developed new normals for every day. But when I have time with them and it ends, I still miss them. I miss our close relationship that we had over the years.
You have both happening right now. Sending hugs as it’s a lot on the brain knowing times change and don’t return to what was. The “good” news is time lessens the hurt (like with my dad) and your brain will (mostly) adjust to the new normal. It just needs time to do so. It isn’t at all a bad thing to do something you enjoy to give yourself “something” as a break from the stress. I’m working through that part myself now too with my mom’s recent death. I don’t know how long it will take. It’s a work in progress.
Best wishes to you.
Sorry for your loss. I was estranged from my father for over 15 years of more and didn’t go to his funeral. Being estranged for a few years but having a life time of good feelings, memories and love is a true gift . There is no “normal” family. Just focus on the positive memories that you have. My mom is 90 and our relationship was ey… But since losing my mother in law and her mother days apart 7 years ago that opened my eyes. I talk to my mother almost daily and visit her often (in and out of rehab) in another state.
Love your family and share stories that you have about your mother. It helps to keep talking. Pm me or anyone here if you need some help.
I’m so sorry @conmama . When my MIL passed away unexpectedly my husband felt guilty for having avoided her for several years. Not completely avoid, but certainly did not enjoy spending time with her. Those regrets were very difficult to live with. I’m sorry you’re son had to move away while you’re dealing with this too -double heartache for sure.
We had a modified estrangement with toxic MIL and just did the best we could for her and ourselves. DH will always mourn not having had a mom.
One of the surprisingly hard aspects of it for us was their burial service. DH and I were inclined to not do anything, but our adult sons needed to have their grandparents’ passing marked. We were honest with the officiant and he did a beautiful job honoring the brew of love and pain involved. It ended up being really good for all of us.
I’m adding my weight to the encouragement to see a therapist, and also perhaps a religious confidante if that option is part of your life and practices.
Condolences to you and yours.
So sorry for your loss, it’s something nobody can prepare for. I know you were a good daughter to her when it really mattered, hold onto those memories. My mom is living with us and I have been reassured that I will keep the good memories, not the reality of her dementia now.
Cry all you want. Grief is grief, no matter if you ended on a high or low note. And dementia, it kills the soul of the person longtime before a physical death.
I’m so sorry for this loss, and knowing that when your son moves to Austen, he’s starting a new life.
So sorry for your loss. When my Mom died it was a relief because she had been suffering terribly from cancer. Still, my first thought was about the cookies she made for us as children and how that could never happen again.
You did your best with your Mom, and you tried to make her understand. She tried too, but maybe dementia was making it impossible for her to react reasonably. Forgive yourself and forgive her too. Let the tears flow and grieve in any way that comforts you. Hugs to you.
The last several years of my mother’s life was incredibly difficult, for me and for her. I ‘ ve had to accept that there was really nothing I could have done to ease her suffering. She was always difficult, and dementia exacerbated those emotions and behavior.
At one point I said, “she is literally killing me,” and I meant it. My health was suffering.
I’m so sorry that you have to bear the burden of your estrangement. Every relationship is different. Know that some relationships, just like some illnesses, can not be fixed.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your mom passing, along with your son moving away this week, is a lot to process at once. Hugs to you. Give yourself time to grieve both losses. Vent here if you need to.
My mom died two years ago. We had a complicated relationship. She had fairly severe dementia at the time of her death. Losing a close family member is sad no matter what the state of the relationship is.
First of all, I am sorry for your loss. Second, I completely understand your feelings. I was estranged from my parents pretty much since they refused to pay for my college but took out loans for my sister and then charged me rent to help cover the costs. I learned of my father’s death when we were dropping my D off for college her first year. It had occurred a month earlier. I made the decision not to tell my D that day and didn’t realize I never had unless oldest son mentioned it at Thanksgiving dinner and D said “What! Grandpa’s dead?”
My mother apparently went to live with my sister after my dad died. About 18 months later, H decided to call my sister just to check in because he knew I never would. Turns out my mother had died a year earlier. I have no clue where either is buried but think they were probably cremated because that’s cheaper, but I don’t know where the cremains are. I haven’t mourned and didn’t shed a tear for either of them. It’s been 5 years plus since I’ve heard from my sister and that was only because H called to tell her our aunt had died. I honestly don’t know if my sister is dead or alive and I don’t care if I ever see her again.
Now, my aunt on the other hand, she, I miss terribly. However, I have never cried over her death because I am not a crier.
So, my advice is not to feel guilt over the estrangement. You did what was best for you and your family. Move on and enjoy your son and plan a trip to Austin.
As you can see and feel throughout this thread, love and families are complicated. Some of them have varying amounts of pain and/estrangement mixed in. Hopefully over time, you will make your peace and remember the many happy times and let the painful ones go.
So sorry for your loss. You are mourning the mom and relationship you had before the estrangement, along with your son flying away to a wonderful new life, but one that is farther away. Sending hugs and hope today is a better day.