Yes, exactly @mom2and . Right now I feel that my tears are for the first 55 years of my life. The estrangement is a separate thing, at least I’m compartamentalizing it that way. I’ve been talking to her off and on about it. When they retired and moved 25 years ago, they offered us their home to buy. We just loved the house, the lot, the neighborhood and said ok. I didn’t grow up in this home, they bought it while I was in college. It was also a way to make me feel like I wasn’t losing them.
We’ve remodeled, etc, but there is still some furniture we kept that they left. They lived here 17 years. I don’t exactly feel her presence, but being here in this house is very comforting to me.
So sorry for your loss. The only words that I can say are “God grant me the serenity to accept the the things I cannot change.” I say those words a lot.
No real advice. So many of us have/had complicated relationships with our parents.
My mom died about 4 years ago. I never had a close relationship with her, though I did keep in touch with her weekly/monthly by phone, and visited once a year throughout my adult life. Mom had a stroke about 6.5 years before she died, and her personality changed–for the better, actually. She became nicer, less critical, more agreeable–but she became childlike and had poor judgement. She suffered terribly with multiple health problems and spent the last 18mo in a nursing home. I had six siblings, two of whom live close to my parents. They were/are extremely dutiful, helping my parents with all their needs. So thankful for that because I am far away.
I have such conflicted feeings about my mom. She was an admirable woman in the community, went out of her way to serve others, but as a mom, though dutiful, she was cold/uncaring, even cruel and abusive at times. I was scapegoat of sorts for her, so my siblings have different memories–though we are close in age and grew up in the same house. So the very few times I ever brought up abusive things mom said/did my sibs always deny it happened/don’t remember or make excuses for mom–which is so maddening! I know this is something I can’t discuss with them. (Fortunately H knew my mom for a long time and understands/believes my experience, witnessed some of Mom’s cruelty himself.) Mom was mean to my kids, too. I don’t really understand what made her that way. She had a rough childhood (which she rarely talked about) and I guess she was bullied by sibs/classmates–maybe that’s why she was cruel? I just could never understand some of the things she did, and as a child I blamed myself/thought I was “bad.” (I was not.) I don’t really have a grudge against her. I just want to know-- Why??? Big picture–she raised her family, all good people, educated, hard-working, responsible, good parents to their own kids, etc.–so she did a lot right. But I have no warm fuzzy feelings, no “relationship” there, just respect and duty.
The mom I knew “died” when mom had her stroke, but I couldn’t really grieve then because she was still living. By the time she died, after slow decline, disease, injuries, much suffering, it was a great relief. (I was traveling to visit her when she died. My aunt posted it on Facebook–that’s how I found out she died!) Her life was celebrated with many relatives/neighbors/friends at the funeral, with praise/admiration, kind words. I didn’t cry at her funeral or after. Sometimes I’ll see old pictures or have a memory that triggers a few tears. The few times she appeared in my dreams, she was her “sharp” old self, before the stroke, very realistic–and that was strangely comforting! When I’m awake I couldn’t/can’t remember what she was like before the stroke.
I have found attending a grief support group to be helpful after the past year of losing both my dad and FIL to dementia as well as a brother-in-law, two aunts, and three friends to other causes - our city (Austin!) has a center for grief and loss that runs groups that meet twice a month. Our hospice also offers similar groups, as do some faith communities.
Sending you sympathy, and if your DS needs anything (or if you come to visit him and want a lunch date) feel free to PM me. Do your best to nurture yourself in whatever form works for you, whether that is exercise, eating well, setting up time with understanding friends, etc. and stay hydrated.
@atomom - I’m no professional, but I think a lot of cruelty and criticism directed by parents towards their children comes from something they dislike in themselves. They project it onto the child for various reasons. Or, like you said, she may have been reliving her own childhood abuse. There is no satisfying answer to the “why” you are asking because there is no logical or ethical justification for that kind of deliberate and targeted cruelty to an innocent child.
Your siblings must have surely witnessed things and they are simply in denial because that’s an easier place to be. I’m so sorry that they can’t rise up and commiserate with you. Hugs to you for your loss, and for your painful memories.
@conmama
I am so sorry about your loss.
Just a suggestion about your estranged relationship, perhaps you can seek for a professional psycologyst for help.
My mother was severely traumatized by her mother’s early death and the subsequent fragmentation of her remaining family. She was left to her own devices from the age of twelve. Along the way, she had eight children with two unsuitable partners. She was utterly indifferent. I have often joked that she should have raised chickens instead. Estrangement is necessary for the preservation of self in some cases.
Sorry for your loss, @conmama. Take good care of yourself; this stuff is tough. Glad you are comforted by your home.
Condolences on the loss of your mother, @Creekland. My mother died under similar circumstances a long time ago and still remember almost reaching for the phone to check in on her afterwards.
These are very difficult circumstances under which to lose a parent… my advice would be to brace for the long haul – accept the fact that this will be a long and bumpy process – and to perhaps seek someone to talk to, maybe a grief counselor? Also, be kind to yourself. Now’s the time for a lot of self-care. Wishing you the best.
Within the next few weeks, you may find that some after-death chores will fall to you. If you’re the executor, it will be a LOT of chores.
Oddly, this may be helpful for you psychologically. It was for me. I was co-executor (with my sister) of our mother’s estate. This involved considerable work, all of it complicated by the fact that our mother lived in Florida, I live in Maryland, and my sister lives in California.
Dealing with the estate, settling our mother’s affairs, and selling or otherwise getting rid of her possessions provided a sense of closure that I don’t think we would have gotten in any other way. And some of the old letters/documents we came across in the process give us insights into the person our mother used to be before she descended into alcoholism and self-pity and became a royal pain in the backside.
Closure can be hard to come by when you’re distant from your parent (as we were) or estranged. Doing things like closing out a person’s credit card accounts and selling their car may seem trivial but could actually be beneficial.