<p>Basically, I finally was able to afford/go to the dentist and had them cleaned/filled/etc – something I had been nagging my mother to help me with for years growing up due to the pain. My parents would basically put it off and say that I didn’t really need dental care and that things like wisdom teeth weren’t a big deal (meanwhile they will spend thousands on new boats, a huge house, etc). There is some permanent damage, and it angers me that now I have to shoulder the burden of my mother’s neglect. I never went in to the dentist or doctor for any sort of checkups or even an initial valuation so I’d have SOME idea of what was going on in there, etc.</p>
<p>I sent her an angry email saying that I was basically never going to forgive her for all her neglect and irresponsible parenting.</p>
<p>She basically sent an email back saying that since I was basically “claiming to not be a part of her family anymore,” I was removed from her will and that she is charging me for everything she’s paid into my education and other expenses, and is somehow claiming that this totals to over 85k (which is laughably untrue – she’s put some money in, but nowhere remotely NEAR that amount. The amounts which weren’t covered by financial aid that were blown up to to an insurance policy were amounts I had to shoulder as loans, while working fulltime while in college). </p>
<p>But basically, my question is this: Can a mother possibly do this? Basically say “eh, actually, I want to take back any money I’ve spent and charge you a massive loan, payable Feb 1 at 5% interest”</p>
<p>While there’s no way in hell she’s spent that much on me, my question is, even if she did – is this even possible?</p>
<p>Well, of course anything is possible in the court system, but unless you had a written agreement that she was loaning you money for college, I don’t see how it would be enforceable. Whatever you do, do NOT make a payment to her because that could be used to say that you essentially agreed that it was a loan.
Sorry you are having to deal with stuff like this.</p>
<p>Well, first of all, you started this cycle by sending a pretty meanspirited email accusing her of neglect. So I think the burden on de-escalating it lays largely on your shoulders.</p>
<p>But that being said, there is no way she can make such a retroactive claim enforceable.</p>
<p>I already moved away – I live in NY, and she on the west coast. We never had any sort of “agreement” that these loans would need to be paid back to her. </p>
<p>What happened is that my father was killed senior year high school – I chose to go to Penn because our aid was decent there. The problem was that once this insurance policy paid out, my mother had a huge influx of cash plus the help of her new “boyfriend” – basically enabling her to continue not having to work while spending lavishly on vacations, alcohol, etc. While she did pay a little bit into my student account, that amount plus anything else doesn’t come close to 85k. I’ve paid for my own food, clothing, transportation, etc throughout college and helped to pay off my own loans, which I now still shoulder at 500/month.</p>
<p>Let alone the fact that I think she’d have a hard time justifying 85k, I don’t see how she can possibly say “Well, anything I’ve put in, you now owe to me with interest” on top of everything her this family has put me through.</p>
<p>She can try…she may even find a lawyer unscrupulous enough to take the case. If you are in college, they may have a legal office that you can talk to about this. Take copies of your emails. Respond to anything legal you receive in a timely fashion. But I doubt any court would award her anything and they’d probably make her pay costs. </p>
<p>Personally, I’d be surprised if you hear anything further.</p>
<p>For there to be a loan, there really needs to be a promise to pay.</p>
<p>BUT, if she is wacky enough to file suit, do not blow it off. Find a legal clinic to help you…they’d love something crazy like a mom suing her kid. If she actually sues you and you ignore it, she could get a default judgment against you and then ruin your credit. (And if you put a note in your credit report, it would be really hard for anyone else to believe!)</p>
<p>legend…This is such a disturbing post that has so many missing pieces that it is hard to imagine what has transpired between you and your mother in the past. To answer your question regarding what your mother is claiming that she is going to do…I would love to see what a judge would say to her in a court of law…he/she would make mincemeat out of your mom for such a claim. However, I am curious as to why you felt that you needed to send such a horrific letter to your mom who is no longer in your life to tell her about your recent dental visit. It sounds like the two of you just want to keep pushing each others buttons. You say terrible things…she says terrible things…the cycle will continue on and before you know it you will continue this cycle on to the next generation. You need to stop this now so that you have a chance of moving forward to live a better and more loving life with your own future family. </p>
<p>You have posted before about how your parents have neglected you and have spent considerable money on objects rather than support you in the loving way that most parents want to do. I don’t know if this is your perception or if in fact it is the reality…it seems hard to imagine any parent doing the things you say that your mother has done. I also wonder what your role in the negative relationship is. Others posters may be quick to say that you have been a victim here but from my experiences raising children I tend to believe that there is more to this story than you may be cognizant of. I am sorry but as a parent your letter to your mom was full of hate and generally speaking there is nothing good that could have come from that.</p>
<p>I cross posted with all of the posts from #4 on. I see that someone else is concerned about how you have addressed your mother.</p>
<p>Of course she’s nuts, and her claim is an empty threat. “Anything” is not possible in the court system. But, um, based on the evidence, it looks like overreaction and unkindness to one another runs in the family. What, exactly did you hope to accomplish with that e-mail? Besides, of course, what you did accomplish: her angry response.</p>
<p>You and your mother have a lot of garbage in your relationship. It may take decades for you to resolve your feelings, if ever. I am paying the price in my 50’s for the lack of dental care due to family finances in my childhood. From the reply your mother sent she is angry that you resent the lack of care without recognizing all that she did do for you. You need to do some soul searching. “Like mother, like child” comes to mind- she may be giving you a dose of what you gave her.</p>
<p>That said, heed the advice of the other posters. Do not respond with any money. She probably won’t go to the trouble of actually starting a lawsuit. </p>
<p>I strongly urge you to get some counseling since you have such anger. You don’t want to live with this for decades. btw- no one owes you anything. From the sounds of it you stand far ahead of most on the ledger of value received from parents.</p>
<p>addenda- likewise crossposted after several responses. Mine still stands.</p>
<p>I said those thing to her because I harbor so much hatred and anger for things. My family would never take me to see a dentist or doctor even when I really needed to. When my father died, my mom abandoned the house and left my brother and me to starve and fend for ourselves. Her logic has always been one of trying to cut corners with us while spending on needless house-surround sound systems, boats, a huge house, etc. </p>
<p>I felt the need to write the letter because growing up I’ve always implored for such basic things like dental/health checkups, and in latter high school times, food – I’d always tell her that X and Y really needed to be done or else Z would happen. She’d basically say “Quit complaining and being so selfish, Z will never happen.” In countless instances, Z always happens and I end up shouldering the brunt of everything.</p>
<p>Her entire family is abusive. Even when I was in Texas, I was stranded with no food or transportation and no job prospects. It was a miracle I was able to get out of there. Even when I finally nabbed a job offer and needed a ride to the airport, my relative refused and fled the house due to his own misunderstandings over a silly website issue. He had also choked me at one point during a random argument, etc. I am honestly scared of them.</p>
<p>So yeah, I am angry with them.</p>
<p>wis75: How do you figure? I kept to myself as a child. Neither of my parents went to college or were particularly educated, nor were they interested in providing for me in many ways. Even when I was a young child, my father was too lazy to feed me and said I should be able to make sandwiches myself. And yet, my father was lucky enough to make a good living despite his educational shortcomings, but it was always spent on personal things and never towards my education or health.</p>
<p>In my view, if you don’t plan on actually supporting your kids, don’t have them. It should be a parental responsibility.</p>
<p>Agree with the advice you have gotten. I don’t see much possibility of your mother having a valid cause of action based on what I know from this thread and prior ones. I actually don’t blame you for sending the email and having so much anger. I get it. I would not communicate further except as absolutely necessary. Live your life. Unfortunately, you have to put your dysfunctional mother behind you.</p>
<p>I know my intuition and basic knowledge of law tells me that she has no case, but my experience tells me she always winds up getting what she wants.</p>
<p>but my experience tells me she always winds up getting what she wants.</p>
<p>My experience tells * me* that you are 23 years old,( 6 years older than I was when I first lived on my own), with a college degree,( I had dropped out of high school) and you should consider therapy to help you get on with your life, since the charge you seem to get from playing games by email, is difficult for you to resist.</p>
<p>I’m only a parent…but I believe you should get some help trying to resolve these issues within yourself. I’m not saying you should become cozy with your mom, but you do need to resolve these hatred issues so that YOUR life can move forward in a positive manner.</p>
<p>Max-- I’ve read a lot of your posts over the years and I just want to say that I’m sorry your mother has turned out to be such a disappointment in your life. Some people are just not good parents and there is no getting around that. It’s never easy when you get stuck with one of those in this lifetime. So, just generally I’m sorry.</p>
<p>I think you should just stay away from her and get some sort of therapist who would allow you to process your anger and pain and get past it. Letting feelings like this control you just gives that person more power in your life and more of your valuable time you could be spending on building some positive relationships in your life. Truly.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be overly concerned about some “lawsuit.” Some of the people who have responded here are attorneys and I’m sure they would let you know if there was anything of that nature to be concerned about.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. Let them go. Painful as it seems, you have so much opportunity to build a happy and productive life for yourself on the east coast, and so many gifts and talents. It would be a shame to waste ten more minutes on them, imo.</p>
<p>I know I probably need therapy to deal with all this.</p>
<p>But I don’t get a “charge” from playing “email games.” I’m extremely angry at the fact that I’ve worked <em>so hard</em> growing up only to constantly have everything whittled and blown away by her desire to shuck responsibility.</p>
<p>It angers me when I go in to have dental work done to be told of damage I <em>knew</em> would happen, years ago, when I would beg my parents to take me to the dentist or doctor. Is that so much to ask? Is it so wrong for a child to want basic care from a parent, especially when you know they’re decently well off and wasting money on things like toys and alcohol?</p>
<p>Max,
I agree with the other posters that it makes sense to stop having exchanges with toxic people. I also agree that you should really get some counseling so that you can move ahead with your life WITHOUT so much anger. Anger is very caustic and will cause harm to YOU for harboring it. Counseling can help you resolve this so you can move ahead.</p>
<p>You can’t change the past–none of us can. We CAN change how we move forward and accept that people we relied upon in our life did not meet our expectations. If you keep reliving the past with anger, you will not be able to enjoy your present and future. Please consider a counselor to help you through this so you can get rid of all of this baggage!</p>
<p>No. Max. You are not wrong. You were neglected, and it is painful.</p>
<p>The “problem” is that you are bringing your pain to the same person who originally hurt you, and they are not different than they originally were, not at all. So, you can’t actually get what you want or need from her. </p>
<p>However, you can get it elsewhere. You can heal. You can get past this. with professional help. You deserve to get this for yourself. Don’t do to yourself what they did to you by neglecting your emotional needs. Do you “see” how you are re-victimizing yourself by bringing this back to them? How, if you value yourself, you deserve an opportunity to reparent yourself? Don’t neglect yourself or the inner child who you need to take care of.</p>