<p>Max,
I understand your anger and frustration, also from reading your posts over time.</p>
<p>Let me suggest that you can write your ‘knee-jerk’ e-mails on the ‘Say it here…’ thread. Come back the next day to re-read and decide if you really want to send it.
Let that thread provide an outlet for you before you engage your mother.</p>
<p>I agree with the above posters; limit your contact and focus on moving forward.</p>
<p>You are priveleged. College. Computer. Internet access and time. Job- able to afford dental work. You had no worse a childhood than thousands, and better than many simply because you had decent food and shelter, let alone a HS education good enough for college. </p>
<p>Invest in therapy. You can’t undo the past but you certainly can take charge of your future. You have been given advice - take it or suffer the consequences. End of discussion.</p>
<p>Nothing to add, but hoping there is power in numbers in regards to suggestion for therapy. And (((hugs))) to you, from this mom.</p>
<p>Max:</p>
<p>Can you describe the dental work that was done in more detail? It’s true that most people consider wisdom teeth to be optional and typically don’t do fillings or crowns on these teeth. I think the parents on this thread might be able to weigh in whether the “permanant damage” that was done was due to the neglect of your teeth or on part for typcial adulthood.</p>
<p>My mother was verbally abusive and probably slightly crazy—but nowhere near as nuts as your mom. You really will feel better if you get some help to let go of your (completely justified) anger. I would suggest what’s called “crisis counseling”. These are psychologists and social workers who work with people to help them move on after a personal crisis. The goal is to be done in 8 to 10 visits or so. You’ve had a crisis–the need for serious dental work–and you’ve responded with justifiable fury. </p>
<p>What you need to do now is figure out how to leave the past in the past so that it doesn’t poison your life going forward. Hence, my suggestion for counseling.</p>
<p>Agree with those who have said you cant change your mom- you can only change how you respond to her. You two are escalating. If she sues you (doubtful) you can possibly counter sue for abuse/neglect. That said. I wouldnt. Let it go. You can look for people in your life who can give you the love and nurturance you need and deserve. It won’t come from your family.</p>
<p>*** forgot to mention. When I was growing up we had a dentist who flatly refused to clean my teeth. When I got old enough to know better, I asked-- he didnt do it. One year I sat there and said I wasnt opening my mouth unless he cleaned my teeth (he had no hygenist) . He said he would. he didnt. My mother claimed she spoke to him about it but nothing changed. When I went to grad school I signed up to be a volunteer for the dental school’s dental board examinations (they need patients). Cost me nothing. They were thrilled to have me. Said they hadn’t seen that much build up of calculus in a long time!! Win-win situeation got my teeth cleaned , fillings taken care of and they got a patient for the boards. Free made me very happy as a starving grad student. Go see if there is a dental school nearby that needs clients. That said- you have insurance now. This is a good thing. You can use it, even though dental insurance isnt great, it is better than nothing.</p>
<p>Max, like some of the other posters out here, I have been following your posts for some time. I know you have really had to pull yourself up by your bootstraps to get to where you are in New York, and I believe your story about your mom and her reaction.</p>
<p>That said… I’d spend my money on the dentist, not the therapist (at this time). I’d stay away from your mom (really, from all contact with her). And when you have your own family… resolve to be a different kind of parent. You can’t change her or how she behaved in the past. But you can change how you act toward other people in your life, so take this as a lesson on how NOT to treat others. Especially your family.</p>
<p>By the way, no way can she succeed with this lawsuit. Don’t sweat it, she won’t do it. The will, she might do. But if she is blowing through that money anyway, there may not be much left by the time she dies.</p>
<p>But wait a minute…we don’t know what his is calling “serious dental work”.</p>
<p>For example, he references wisdom teeth. If his wisdom teeth are impacting and infected, that is a serious problem. It sadly is expensive and often not covered by insurance. </p>
<p>But perhaps he has a cavity in his wisdom tooth and his mom doesn’t want to fill it because she figures they will be removed at some point anyway. This is actually the standard of care for wisdom teeth - dentists don’t normally fill them, they remove them at some point. (My wife has little teeth and opted to have a cavity filled, but that is a unique situation. Her wisdom teeth won’t impact because she has lots of room in her mouth for the wisdom teeth.)</p>
<p>So I think some perspective would be helpful…</p>
<p>I’m surprised to be one of the few parents who thinks this mom basically had a nasty email coming, provided the OP is reporting honestly that she neglected his health when she was responsible for it. Hard to understand parents who’d put off dental care when the kid is experiencing pain. Wisdom teeth removal may indeed be elective at times, but attention to dental pain should not be elective.</p>
<p>I understand that there are many unresolved issues between legendofmax and his parents. I agree with the other posters here who say that it’s best to have no additional contact with his mother.</p>
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<p>Okay. Helpful for who?</p>
<p>We need no proof or “perspective” to know that Max needs some assistance in getting over the pain from his childhood. Nobody needs to “prove” they were hurt. It’s not a court of law.</p>
<p>Did she have it coming is one thing; whether it would be productive is another. No amount of finger-pointing and wishing is going to change the mom’s behavior. IMO, OP needs to focus on his needs right now rather than dwelling on a past he can’t change.</p>
<p>I think you are looking for things from your mother that she can’t provide, so it’s best to let those expectations go. Did you expect her to say, “I’m so sorry, you were right”? She’s not going to.</p>
<p>Max - What poetgrl said here.
And many people still have this issue at 40. Even 50. Start now to deal with your feelings. You are a smart, resourceful kid, and you should use your talents on yourself. You are now in charge of how much pain you feel about this in the rest of your life time.</p>
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<p>Helpful for LegendofMax.</p>
<p>If the dental work that had done is not more significant than typical dental work, he shouldn’t be angry about permenant damage to his teeth. It could be very typical of most 20 year olds. After all, how many of us have filings and cavities even though we have had regular checkups?</p>
<p>As a 20 year old, I was very frustrated and angry at my parents for not paying for as much as they should have (in my opinion at the time). But four years later, I realized that they paid for a lot more than many of my classmates, and I became very appreciative of what they did. Perspective is helpful…)</p>
<p>What Alum said. My older sister at 55 still harbors so much ill will toward my parents. It’s sad. You have the self-awareness to make changes.</p>
<p>Given the neglect of basic dental care, I think the mother deserved the angry email. But I also think that sending it accomplished nothing, and probably was counterproductive. Max, I echo other posters who urge you to get therapy. You are giving your mother way too much power. You know that she cannot prevail in a ridiculous lawsuit, but you need to seek reassurance from strangers because you feel that she has magical powers. And her past behavior is causing anger and stress in you. You need to completely detach from her, and a therapist can help with this.</p>
<p>On the dental work; like you, I had no dental work until I was 21. When I was a child, my parents had 10 kids and little money. I had a lot of cavities and have even had to have some root canals and crowns. I have never felt resentment toward my parents for this or other shortcomings because I believe that they were doing their best, as most parents do. Your situation is very different, and your feelings of anger are justified. But they aren’t helping you. Have the dental work done, and find a good therapist, as well. Insurance benefits for therapy are quite generous in NY state.</p>
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<p>You should have instead posted your email in the “Say it here to get it off your chest” thread. Then you would have had the satisfaction of venting your feelings without stirring up more trouble.</p>
<p>Hi Max,
I may be a forty-something mom, but I’m kind of in your shoes right now. I’m paying thousands of dollars for dental work that is a result of my parents not taking very good care of my teeth when I was young. However, I’m not mad about it. You see, when I was about your age, I was also very angry at my parents for the abuse and neglect that I suffered from them. Then, when I was about 25, I started therapy and learned to let go of my anger and resentment. It changed my life for the better; I honestly view my childhood as a sort of weird gift now, because it taught me so much about myself and others. For better or worse, all of our parents did the best job that they could with us at the time (even if it is/was a crummy job). Please seek therapy soon…it’s an amazing feeling to not be angry or resentful toward my parents anymore. And I doubt that any lawyer is going to take on a case of a mother suing her child for college expenses. Just ignore your mom for now and focus on yourself. I’m sending positive thoughts your way.</p>
<p>My kid had a tooth broken in a sports accident when he was very young. It required a root canal and extensive treatment at the time, with the understanding that in the future there would be more issues. There were. At age 19 we (the parents) paid for a huge “re-do” involving veneers and all sorts of things that were the best option. I think there were even more expenses at 22 which we also footed. I felt that it was what we needed to do as parents. Kid was still in school. It wasn’t fun and it was a big financial hit, but I viewed it as one of the hits you take as a parent.</p>
<p>Max got kicked to the curb by his mother. I agree that therapy might be nice, but it might not be an affordable option for him right now.</p>
<p>Another agreement to let it go. My sister is 60 and still whining about all of the things our Mother screwed up. She blames our parents for everything from poor health (either genetics and our parents should have known better than to have children, or they chose the wrong pediatricians and dentists) to the fact that she doesn’t have a better career. She’s had years of therapy and her therapist allegedly agrees that our Mother is responsible for almost everything bad in her life. She has no memory of anything positive that our parents ever did, and absolutely no understanding or empathy for the things that affected our Mother’s parenting abilities. If you talked to everyone in our family, you would conclude that my sister grew up in a completely different family. By the way, our Mother has been dead for nearly 20 years now and my sister won’t let it go. She’s been in charge of her own life for what, nearly 40 years, and she’s still using her first 20 years as an excuse for everything that has happened to her?</p>
<p>Don’t let this happen to you, OP!</p>
<p>We don’t have a clue what records surround the $85,000 and whether any of it was for support before you turned 18 or if it’s for things that she provided to you after you turned 18. There is nothing inherently impossible about either a parent or an adult child suing each other for a loan. It’s up to the parties to prove whether the monies were loans or gifts. Emails, timing (around birthdays or holidays), etc. may be proof that funds were gifts. Promises to repay may be proof of loans. </p>
<p>I suspect though, that she was wounded by your initial attack and snapped back. What reaction did you expect? Did you think that if you attacked her that she would acknowledge being a bad parent and offer more money to help with your bills? Ummmmmm, just a suggestion that this may not reflect good planning or interpersonal skills…and I bet it didn’t make you feel better either.</p>