<p>The worst is when I get them in the middle of social situations and I’m expected to answer them. And then the calls have no use except to ask me, “have you bought all your books???” and it takes all the energy in me to convince me that it’s safe to shop online. And no matter how hard I try to convince her not to wire over finances, she does it anyway. But when I ask her to take care of more pressing and important things like loan payment and insurance deadlines, she acts nonchalant. Grr. </p>
<p>Neither does she seem to adhere to the idea that “no news is good news”. And she calls at the most inconvenient times … like when I’m holding a plate in the dining hall, trying to swim, on my way to class. Damn it, if not for other contacts I would just switch the whole phone off. </p>
<p>So … is this normal? Is it rare to find calls back home annoying? I mean, I love my family and all, but I don’t want to be called every day.</p>
<p>Set up a time to talk to her on a day and time that is convenient for you. Give her all your time and attention during those arranged calls. If she calls at an inconvenient time, don’t answer.</p>
<p>My phone pretty well stays on either vibrate or silent at all times. It allows me to screen calls more easily-- I’m not alerting the world that I have a phone call. My parents have figured out quickly that the chance of them getting ahold of me are pretty slim right now. Work with the football team and always being in the athletic training room or on the field I can’t answer my phone much.</p>
<p>As a mom, I know that I am going through some withdrawal. That may be why your mom contacts you at inconenient times. If you choose to answer your phone (which you don’t have to) just say, “I’ll call you back, I’m in the middle of something”. and if you don’t answer the phone, just text your mom and tell her you’ll call her back later. If your mom can’t text, she should learn - she could nag you about your books by text - which takes up a lot less of your time. Yes it’s nagging - but it’s probably because she’s thinking about you and wishes she could talk to you. Be a little patient with her, she’s probably missing you more than you know.</p>
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I’ll bet you are. Work toward boundary establishment and preplan for the logical consequence from a mother who violates your personal needs. This can be a difficult first step. Good luck to you.
<p>Your problem has been cited by university professors as an example of the way Boomer mothers are damaging the quality of intellectual life on American college campuses. Rather than walk from class to class talking to their peers about intellectual topics, students are talking to the moms on cell phones, about non-intellectual stuff like “What are you doing for lunch?”</p>
<p>This is your one shot at undergrad education. </p>
<p>Get righteous g. Give your mother ONE weekly telephone call–outside of academic hours and a couple of weekly internet chats. She’ll learn to adapt. Tough love.</p>
<p>and that would help a kid who cannot establish boundaries how? The manner of contact isn’t the issue so much as the lack of personal choice on when to respond. This seems to be about exuberant calling mother who demands the immediate response.</p>
<p>Parent who violates boundary by modeling poor choice trains kid who cannot establish boundary. This is a situation that involves more than unwanted nagging phone calls. Sad to say.</p>
<p>With most phones you just check the caller ID and if you don’t feel like talking to them at the moment you just press a button and they go to voice mail. Just do this then call her back at some later time that’s convenient for you. The choice is yours.</p>
<p>IMO your mom needs to back off on the calls and allow you more space and let you do some simming and possibly sinking.</p>
<p>Do a search on the thread by Helms2Lee, a father who wanted intimate contact from his freshman son–and didn’t get it–and learned to adapt. You might try PMing Helms for advice.</p>
<p>Screen her calls. Do not ignore them, just call her back when you can do so. Say, “sorry I missed your call; I was--------” you fill in the blank: getting dinner, talking to a professor, etc. “I have 5 minutes right now. What’s up?”
Then, after 5 minutes, say, “Mom, I have to go and study for my test tomorrow.” or something like that. Then, say, “Bye, Mom, I love you.” Do not forget that last part.</p>
<p>This may help her to adjust. Behave with restraint and maturity. This will make it easier for her to treat you the same way.</p>
<p>Um, I don’t think it’s a personal boundaries thing. It’s just that I get called for the most trivial reasons. Like being told to make an extra copy of the documents after they get faxed … geez … that’s something I can take care of. However, I can’t fax documents that are hundreds of miles away from Grounds by myself.</p>
<p>And my mother is not really a boomer mother… just an Asian mother. They are often similar in nature to Jewish mothers. :p</p>
<p>“Rather than walk from class to class talking to their peers about intellectual topics…” The idea that before the advent of cell phones college students scurried through campus discussing particle physics and the categorical imperative is hilarious. If parental calls are keeping them from peer conversations, it’s only keg party planning and hot guy comparisons that are suffering.</p>
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Of course you don’t, you are following her model. Trust me you need to set a personal boundary to maintain a “self”. Separation is the goal here and you will need to accomplish that to mature into an adult. You chose the word “annoying” and I take you at your word.</p>
<p>My son leaves his phone off most of the time as his professors take a pretty dim view of cell phones ringing in class. And he can’t be bothered to turn it on sometimes. We use instant message for the most part - he can get me in the office, I know when he’s online via google alerting me. If he doesn’t want to be disturbed, he sets something.</p>
<p>If your professors say no cell phones on during class, then you have a reason to leave your phone off. It’s the same thing in the real world at work. You have to control who can call you in the office or you will get less of your work done. In the workplace, it can be fellow coworkers coming in to talk to you or others in your family calling you.</p>
<p>Your college studies are your job. Would your mom like to be distracted by random phone calls while she is in the office? Probably not, and many bosses would not approve of constant cell phone ringing. Promise your mom that you will call her once a week on a weekend just to chat, and all “business” issues, like reminders to make an extra copy of something, should be e-mailed to you. Then religiously reply to every e-mail with a short message, like, “OK, mom, I will do it!” Your mom will calm down knowing that you read her messages and do not ignore her requests.</p>
<p>I am always learning here. I know few students who don’t use an iPhone or Blackberry type device. These make email, IM, texting all easily access. I know of very few students who actually use a ringer or audible on their phone.
Who knew? Maybe this is a high school carry over? Beats me.</p>