<p>Sounds like you stood up for yourself.</p>
<p>But I still don’t understand. How can they keep you from having male friends, dating, and wearing jewelry when they’re so far away? how would they know?</p>
<p>To the OP:</p>
<p>Good work! Better to try diplomacy first. And second, and third. 
Good luck!</p>
<p>OP - good job! I think you made a good progress. And your attitude is right: be nice and friendly, make the phone calls, but live your life the way you want the rest of the time.</p>
<p>If you keep your grades up (and don’t get pregnant ;)) for another year, I am sure the rules will relax.</p>
<p>Try to find a job on campus for the summer! Admissions office could be a possibility. Some schools have funded research opportunities for the students over the summer. Anything, really, that would give you an option to stay would be good. Living at home for a few month in the summer after tasting some freedom could prove unbearable, and could undo some of the progress you’ve made.</p>
<p>Yes, being out of the house for the summer will bring home to your parents that you are really grown up and on your own. Not sure how they will react to that, however!</p>
<p>My S who is a senior has not been home for the past two summers and we’re used to him not “living” here. I just realized the other day that his coming back for winter break will really feel like a visit from a relative we haven’t seen in a while. <em>sniff</em></p>
<p>I hasten to add that we are happy as long as he is happy and doing well. After all, we WANT our kids to leave the nest! :D</p>
<p>OP— It sounds like a step in the right direction. Did you address the problem with your mom making contact with friends and professors? The rest will work out because your mom is not there to stop you from having friends or a boyfriend…you are the only one that could make that not happen. Lots of luck with the end of the semester and finals. I am sure if your parents see that you are doing well in school they will continue to lighten up about treating you like a child.</p>
<p>I always tell my kids that I am getting too old to be the reminder of good sense, good grades, and healthy living. If you want your parents to treat you as an adult than it is time to act like one, and address the problems… Sounds like you are making headway.</p>
<p>By the way…coloring your hair is not a sign of growing up and your mom will probably see this as you being disrespectful to your parents. I remember when my daughter got a piercing that she knew I would never have liked. I saw it as a sign that she was going to do whatever she wanted and she did just that. It was not a good thing.</p>
<p>Growing up means being responsible and in college student terms, that means very little actually, in comparison to the world of adult life. Right now most parents want to see that their son/daughter is using this time to grow both academically and personally. To grow into a beautiful young lady who can carry a conversation in an adult manner, get a job and take care of a checking account/credit card, and when home contribute to the family by not being a slob or inconsiderate.
I know that kids think that growing up is about making your own decisions but I find my most grown up kid is the one who has no problem discussing important decisions with us. The kid that concerns me is the one that acts before she thinks. Kids do not realize that parents are people and when the child goes crazy doing all this rediculus stuff we only say to ourselves “when is she going to grow up?”</p>
<p>OP – It was so good to hear from you!</p>
<p>Sounds like you are preceeding with cautious optimism.</p>
<p>As you stated, she will not change in a day. This is also true for your responses to her. I don’t expect you to break old habits in a day. I still believe it will be best for you to seek counseling at school. It will help you keep a healthy perspective.</p>
<p>Great job, Kate!</p>
<p>Realize this, though. You are acting really mature and you don’t have to keep proving that you are all grown up. You are a teenager and you are allowed to be young. If you feel like coloring your hair, go for it. If your mom takes it as a sign of disrespect, well, she is the one who is mistaken- it is your body. Now if you colored her hair while she slept, that would be disrespect!</p>
<p>Honestly, the person in your family who has the most growing up to do seems to be your mom. But to her credit, she seems to be coming to that realization on her own. Give her some time, and wean her off gently, but firmly. Most of all, your siblings will thank you for finally showing them the way.</p>
<p>“By the way…coloring your hair is not a sign of growing up and your mom will probably see this as you being disrespectful to your parents.”</p>
<p>I curious about this. Assuming she is paying for the hair color with money she earned herself, how is coloring your hair a sign of not growing up? I was under the impression that parent that had a fit over hair did that so their kids had a safe way to rebel. But hair cuts and color, eventually grows out, and in my world doesn’t reflect back on the parent. Is this a cultural thing?</p>
<p>On the one hand, I would say be careful and do not fulfill your mother’s dire prediction of “If we loosen up she’ll go wild the first chance she gets!” So, be mature and don’t go overboard.</p>
<p>OTOH, hair coloring is not a sin, and hair mistakes do grow out. Our son’s friend is famous for having hair colors that do not occur in nature, and I figure, as long as she’s a nice person, what difference does it make?</p>
<p>Unless I am mistaken and your family believes hair coloring/makeup/card playing are all sins?</p>
<p>Miloukate, I just want to tell you that I think you are an extremely strong, thoughtful and caring person! I am amazed at the maturity with which you have handled this and how you express your thoughts and emotions. What character it shows for you to try to maintain loving ties with your parents while still trying to assert your identity and independence. I have to say, earlier on I counseled you just to break off from them, but you were much wiser than I! (and I’m an adult…)</p>
<p>*Unless I am mistaken and your family believes hair coloring/makeup/card playing are all sins? *</p>
<p>Even if her parents do believe these things are “sins,” the OP is over 18 and doesn’t have to follow their religious precepts.</p>
<p>
Same here. But I guess it also requires the parents to accept that after the discussion it is up to the kid what decision s/he makes.</p>
<p>As for hair coloring – I would not recommend that. Yes, of course, it is your hair, you are 18, and it is your “right”. But you are just starting to make some progress with your parents accepting your independence. Doing something that will be seen as provocative by them is not in your best interest at this point.</p>
<p>And for the parents arguing that it is none of her mom’s business - how would you feel if your freshman D came home with a huge tattoo on her upper arm? (It’s her body! And it could be covered up for the job interviews!)</p>
<p>Kudos to you, OP.</p>
<p>You are handling it very well. Also, I think you know how to handle advice. The fact that you came back to this board for status update and “thanks” shows how mature and respectful you are. That kind of attitude will go a long way once you go out into the big wide world.</p>
<p>I agree with another poster who suggested that you still get some counseling. You are definitely going in the right direction. However, the road ahead may still have some bumps: you mom’s progress may not be “linear” if you know what I mean, and it looks like your dad is actually more like her, simply quiet so far since mom was doing all the heavy lifting, rather than a parent who kept quiet not to rattle the cage of the other more vociferous spouse. I may be wrong, but it appears that way to me based on your description of his reaction.</p>
<p>I am not going down this mode to be negative on your parents. I am saying this because in most cases, this is a long road of progress into a healthy relationship between parties in a situation like this. You will need to “fortify” your own psychological resources, and gain a deeper understanding of the dynamics at your family not only to better weather the storm and ease your way into a new mode of relationship with them, but also to reflect on your relationship in your current family during past 18 years and build a better framework for your future relationship with whoever comes your way (significant other, future children). This may even help you help your younger sibling also. </p>
<p>Good luck. Know that if you need more advice in the future, we are here to help you.</p>
<p>Really well done, miloukate. I think you handled this in an extremely mature, respectful, and responsible manner and you will get through to your parents eventually, you clearly are already. Obviously your mom cares about you a lot, and thinks that by increasing her control over your life she can protect you. It’s not a terrible thing to think, it’s not even uncommon for mothers or fathers, but she just takes it over the top. What you did was great, you firmly and clearly started setting some boundaries for yourself and your life. You are right, she won’t change in a day, but it looks like she’s moved a lot just in a few weeks. Just keep reinforcing those positive messages and whatever you do, continue to make the good decisions that will maintain your parents trust in you.</p>
<p>I can see the point of not doing the hair coloring now (even tho it’s a totally fine thing to do), just so that you can continue to make progress in other areas.</p>
<p>OP…do you now feel that while you’re at school that you can wear jewelry, have male friends, and date?</p>
<p>Go to the student center and make an appointment with the counselors there. You are not in a position to handle the situation–another adult needs to intervene on your behalf. When you go home for break- tell your mom that you will not return to college if she does not agree to go to family counseling. An outside adult will be able to tell her what she needs to hear. Your best leverage with her is loss of your education. Hopefully she can see how this is destroying your relationship and will try to see how she can help herself-- and realize what a great job she has done raising you and that you are ready to handle many things on your own. I know this may be hard to understand, but sometimes moms invest too much of themselves in their kids and live vicariously through them. Letting go of you may mean that her life will feel meaningless and empty. Hopefully, through counseling, she will find other ways to fill her life in positive ways.</p>
<p>If my D said she wanted to have a private/serious talk with H and me, in the back of my mind I would be thinking, “OMG, she’s not pregnant, is she?!” Your mom was probably relieved to hear what your real issues are. </p>
<p>(Once, when my parents were out of town, my sister’s boyfriend had an accident in my parent’s car–resulting in minor damage that he had repaired. When my parents came home, sis and boyfriend sat them down to tell them what happened. My parents were SO HAPPY to hear about the car accident! Seriously, they were laughing, hugging, THANKING the boyfriend for wrecking their car.)</p>
<p>I think your mom has revealed her main “problem”–she is worried about you, wants to protect you, but now you are out of sight, out of reach. If you help her see (and I think you are doing this) that she needs to slowly let go, things may be easier for your sibs later.
Remember to be respectful of your parents, and thank them for paying your college expenses. Don’t dye your hair/wear jewelery <em>just</em> to show your mom you’re 18. . .these are minor things that most parents don’t care about, but if your parents care about them, it may be more strategic to forgo them in their presence. I don’t know how much your parents are paying for college, but imagine if they said, “D, we will give you $15,000 this year if you don’t dye your hair,” that would seem like a pretty good deal, wouldn’t it? (Not that this is what your parents are giving you the $ for, but since you are still dependent on them–and your life would be much more difficult without their support-- it could be helpful to respect their wishes in minor things like this.)</p>
<p>Another example (doesn’t apply to the OP): An 18yo can decide to attend/not attend religious services at will–but who shows more “maturity”–a college student who attends services during holidays while staying with family, even though he/she doesn’t want to go, or the college student who comes home and asserts his/her “adult rights” to NOT attend, thereby upsetting parents, ruining the holidays, and showing a bad example to younger sibs?</p>
<p>
I have to say, this advice is about as ridiculous as the one to threaten your mom that if she does not back off, you’ll join the army…</p>
<p>wilners,
Her mom is also an adult, remember? She shouldn’t be bullied into counseling, or anything else for that matter.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Whoa… this is a very dangerous line. An ultimatum as a weapon is useful ONLY if one truly intends to use it. I don’t think OP should ever play Russian roulette with her education - which is what she needs more than anything else now if she were to have any future prospect of an independent life as a mature adult even if everything else breaks down at home. Furthermore OP’s parents may actually like to idea of having her at home, who knows.</p>
<p>Besides, this is a psychological blackmail and a threat. No matter how she feels about her parents now, they in their own way love OP. This is not a tactic to be used among people who love each other and are bound to each other one way or the other.</p>