<p>Miloukate–I am very happy to hear that you were able to have a discussion with your parents and that you stood your ground even under duress. I am equally happy to hear that you are still trying to be respectful and keep the peace, as well. In the long run, it is to your benefit. It was fairly obvious to me from your previous posts that your mother’s unreasonableness stemmed from fear and worry over your innocence and morals. That mindset may never change much, but in time, if you continue to be as responsible as you now are, your mother will eventually come to see you as a mature adult who can make good decisions. Even though you didn’t get everything you wanted out of the talk with your parents, your willingness to compromise is commendable in light of the circumstances. Be proud of yourself and know that little by little you are making your way to independence. College goes by so quickly–you’ll be graduating before you know it, and when you do you will happy that you are debt-free. Hold onto those positive thoughts and know that there are parents here who are rooting for you. Stay strong. If you ever need to vent some more, don’t hesitate to return to the parents forum. Best of everything to you in the holiday season and the new year.</p>
<p>Take a deep breath. Write a letter explaining that the extent to which she is “controlling” your daily schedule has proven counter-productive to you academic acheivement and your emmotional well-being. (Double check the date on your birth certificate just to be sure that you are eighteen). Tell her that you are an adult and insist on a little more autonomy. Reassure her that you are fully cognative that she loves you and only wants you to be safe and successful, but that those objectives can be acheived without the stalking.</p>
<p>Insist that the money you earned while a minor be released to you to be placed in an account in your name. Tell your mom that your having your own account and balancing your own checkbook will help you build a strong credit rating in addition to bringing you happiness. </p>
<p>Get a job and start earning some additional money. Study hard and get good grades. if your parents refuse to yield to you your freedom, you can stick with the stalking or go “cold-turkey” and make it without their fincancial support. For that you will have to declare that you are legally emancipated and inform them that they may no longer take a deduction citing your dependency.</p>
<p>life is not fair and life is not always easy.</p>
<p>Tou might want to contact your pastor at home to see if you have an ally. Tell him that you need his help to keep the family relationship healthy.</p>
<p>good luck – BUT DO NOT EVER TEXT IN CLASS!</p>
<p>
Giving this type of advice is misleading and irresponsible. It takes much more to become legally emancipated than to inform your parents of your wish to do so.</p>
<p>Once again some parental advice is just so out there. One parent is suggesting manipulation and another emancipation. I think some of the parents on this thread need THERAPY.</p>
<p>Congratulations OP- the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, which you and your mother have taken. I think if the small bits of independence work out well, then your mother will be able to let more of her fears go with time. If you are comfortable with earning your independence a bit at a time, then keep doing what you are doing: lessen the constant contact and control very gradually. If you are still feeling upset with how things are going, then go to get a few hours of counseling at the student health center. I think since both of your parents sound like they are willing to listen to you, even if they are slow to change, that you do not need to sever ties or do anything drastic at this time. They need to let their worries go but since you are their first child, they are being very over protective. Wear your jewelry and start taking baby steps at school to be the person you envision. Find a church that takes all comers, like a universal unitarian or metaphysical church, where you can attend and find positive spiritual reinforcement regardless of faith (Jewish, Buddhist, Christian, Mormon, etc.) and give it a try. Your mom is trying some of the things you asked, so try something she asked you to do. Good luck with everything. There is a book out there called something like: “Small Steps: the Kaizen Way,” that talks about why people can be resistant to change and how our brains actually go into panic mode when faced with big changes. Maybe both you and your parents will benefit from making small changes over time.</p>
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<p>I think people are generaly not serious when their own or their loved lives are not on stake.</p>
<p>Looked at the thread before #59, every one wanted OP to go on her own take loan, join ROTC etc. Because they took it as entertainment at the cost of OP’s future life.</p>
<p>In the end a two call system bring OP and OP’s mom to talking terms given OP reasonable freedom and a path that can be more stengthen into a workable soultion in this relation.</p>
<p>But it seems people still not learning and want to treat this as an entertainment thread than really helping the OP.</p>
<p>Why does someone who’s over 18 need to be legally emancipated?</p>
<p>mom2collegekids,
because otherwise their financial need is based on their parents’ income, not their own.</p>
<p>Congratulations on a great first step! A huge part of establishing a new relationship with your parents is to change your own behavior towards them. Sounds like you talked to them in a loving and non-threatening way but expressed your feelings clearly and firmly. </p>
<p>It must be galling that you don’t have control over the money that you earned, but it’s probably more important to focus on your future independence. Great idea to find a part-time job, and I agree that finding an on-campus summer job would be a good way to keep some physical distance between you and your family. It’s so easy for parents and child to fall back into old habits when the adult child moves back home. </p>
<p>Sounds like your mom is very afraid of losing you. The best way to combat that is to do what you’re doing - calling frequently and taking a few minutes to chat. You can gradually wean her down to one phone call a day (or less) by setting expectations properly - “Mom, I can’t call again until tomorrow night because …” Otherwise, show them by the types of behavior that they can see (grades, appearance) that you’re not straying far from their values. So - no piercings or tattoos, and I’d stay away from hair color unless it’s very subtle. All those things can come later. Making permanent modifications to one’s body as a method of personal expression is highly overrated anyway, IMO, and expensive.</p>
<p>As for church, I’m with you. I’m not a religious person myself and would feel like a real hypocrite if I went to church services just to please someone else. But while you don’t have to tell them that you’re not going, don’t lie about it if they ask. Lying is a bad habit to get into - it’s really damaging to the kind of communication and trust that you’re trying to develop. If it ends up being a bone of contention, maybe you can think of a substitute activity that would make them feel that you are staying on the straight and narrow path but that would be more palatable to you - volunteering at a soup kitchen or senior home once a week?</p>
<p>“And for the parents arguing that it is none of her mom’s business - how would you feel if your freshman D came home with a huge tattoo on her upper arm? It’s her body. And it could be covered up for the job interviews.”</p>
<p>I don’t like tattoos. I don’t have any tattoos, wouldn’t date guys with tattoos, would certainly never sign anything allowing my minor children to have a tattoo. </p>
<p>That said, my barely 18 year old freshman D put a tattoo on her hip, “Carpe Diem” in memory of her father, who died of cancer half way through her freshman year. I have never been so proud of a tattoo in my life.</p>
<p>As for hair, heck, I dye my hair. However, if it is a religious thing in OP’s family, she might want to pick her battles.</p>
<p>If you’re not comfortable with going to church, what about joining a service group on campus? Perhaps your mother is thinking that if you become involved with a “wholesome” activity while you are away, you will be less likely to join a wilder group of people in order to have a sense of belonging. </p>
<p>I joined an honor organization when I was in school and, while we did have parties, we also did a ton of community service activities. We volunteered at the Boys and Girls Club, built houses with Habitat for Humanity, raised money for homeless shelters, adopted a highway, etc. Check out your school’s student activities website (it might be called student organizations) and see what your school might have to offer.</p>
<p>As for as the church thing goes- I’m just not all of that religious. I’m not going to keep lying my whole life about it. I think my morals are up to standard, but I’m just not the type that would continue to go to church. Getting involved in other activities; I might. I’ve always wanted to be involved.</p>
<p>I didn’t bring this up to her, but… I’m kind of dating someone now, and at first, I was reluctant too because of my mom. But after the Thanksgiving talk, I’ve realized that it’s silly for me to be a state away and still be afraid of her finding out. So if we happen to take a picture together, I don’t care if she see it on Facebook- not to be disrespectful but, there’s noting wrong with having a boyfriend (if it evolves to that from us dating.). With FB, I asked my roommates if they would kindly remove my mom from their lists. Two of them did, but the third one felt bad, but she says she’ll do it. I won’t remove her from my list, but if I wish to change my status to “in a relationship”- I won’t hesitate to do it. Its one day at a time, like I said: I’ve been doing so much thinking about this, and I know I won’t be truly happy until I’m living my life on my terms. Once again, that doesn’t mean being disrespectful to my parents or myself being reckless: I just mean by knowing where to cross the line with my mom and her control over my life.</p>
<p>& thank you all for your kind, positive words! I really appreciate it :)</p>
<p>Do not get into the habit of changing your status “in a relationship” or not. I have 2 daughters, ages 16 and 20. It’s much easier to leave it blank. Both of them have been in a relationship a few times, sometimes for a few weeks and sometimes for over a year. The older sister has told the younger one to always leave the status blank. Everyone who needs to know will always know whether you are in a relationship or not, witout a declaration on FB. Once you claim you are in relationship, it is always so hurtful when you take that status off.</p>
<p>You sound like you’re doing wonderfully. Bit by bit you will do better, too, and your mother and father will, I believe, respect that. Clearly they’ve raised a great kid, that says something for them. Slowly they’ll get used to letting go a bit, especially as they see you thriving…despite the <em>gasp</em> earrings, etc.</p>
<p>I am a mom.</p>
<p>If I were you I would look very seriously into attending a different college and getting your financial ducks in a row to attend a different college and sever all ties with your parents. Think it through completely and get as much of that nailed down as you can. Talk to people at your current college and let them know that if your mom calls looking for you to please let her know that you’re fine, just not taking her calls at the moment.</p>
<p>THEN…have a talk with your parents. Let them know that you don’t want the check-ins anymore. Let them know that you love them. Use as much humor as you’re able (unless you think that will fall totally flat with them.) Let them know how YOU want things to go.</p>
<p>Then, when your mom threatens to pull your funding calmly say, "I’m so sorry to hear that you’re not willing to go along with what I need mom. I have to tell you though, that I simply can’t live like this anymore. It’s negatively affecting me. I love you very much and very much want you in my life, whether you are paying the bills or not. However, I NEED things to change and to change significantly regarding your involvement with my day-to-day life. If you’re only willing to help me with college costs if you can have things ALL your way then I will thank you sincerely for your financial contributions up to this point and make my own way from this point on. </p>
<p>"I’ll give you some time to think about how involved you will be in my life from this point forward. I am totally willing to go it completely alone if that’s what it takes but I don’t WANT that. I would like you to remain a part of my life, but on my terms…NOT yours. I need my space.</p>
<p>“Going forward from this conversation I will have my phone turned off for the next 48 hours. After that I will call YOU.”</p>
<p>If need be, write down everything you’d like to say to them and if things get too crazy simply hand them the letter and leave.</p>
<p>I’m all for kids showing proper respect to their parents, but I’m also one whose goal has been to hand the reins of independance over to them as completely as possible by the time they left for college.</p>
<p>^^^^
Wow…I hope my kid never asked for advice.</p>
<p>miloukate, you did a great job in approaching your parents and having a truly adult conversation. I think your mom also deserves an award for being straightforward and concillatory, to a point. It can’t be easy for her.</p>
<p>(With my family, I used to say you could argue with my dad or with a rock, but you’d have a better chance of winning against the rock.)</p>
<p>Since many have mentioned what a huge step you’ve taken, I’ll continue the comparison and say that it’s a step that turns into a dance - some moving forward, some backward, and a fair amount of going sideways. You have to have regard for the other person and see any amount of positive change as progress. We middle-aged adults aren’t that flexible 
and change is hard on everyone.</p>
<p>Regarding your religious activities, I’d say get to know all kinds of people, but I think you’ll find that people raised in a religious household will share more of your basic moral structure. You may find this out the hard way, such as when someone you had respected violates your definition of kindness or honesty.</p>
<p>momma-three: OP asked for advice. You gave your advice. Others gave their advice. It is poor form to keep passing negative judgements on other people’s advice. Let OP be the judge of whose advice is credible.</p>
<p>How nice that you’re dating! Having a social life is an important part of college too - it’s not just academics.</p>
<p>Your family’s rules and your mom’s behavior can frustrate and stymie you, or it can be just another one of life’s challenges, like exams and papers. You can develop a strategy for living your life in a way that seems right for you while still maintaining a loving relationship with her. It’s all about helping her build trust and respect. Honestly, it seems to me that you’ve already earned that, but this is about helping her learn to let go of her anxiety. Seems like she’s making a little progress. Your job going forward is to stretch the boundaries of her trust slowly, so that it doesn’t break.</p>
<p>Pick your battles. Figure out what’s most important to you and stand your ground on those things. Compromise on the small stuff. </p>
<p>Don’t wave a red flag in front of a bull. You don’t want to lie, but I agree that it’s not really necessary to state your status on FB in order for a relationship to be real. It should be perfectly fine for you to be in photos with members of the opposite sex (after all, that’s probably pretty high on your list of what’s important to you), but stay out of view of a camera if you get romantic. Or are drinking. That’s not just to keep your mom from freaking - it’s also important for later life. Once something is posted on the internet it can haunt you forever.</p>
<p>And stay happy. You are at the college of your choice. You are learning how to live your life. You are slowly developing a more adult relationship with your mom. Hooray!</p>
<p>Vicariousparent—If the parents read what the OP has written than why would they write such negative advice. I can not understand why someone would say such a thing to a young lady of 18…and as I said earlier I would hate to think that my daughter would get such negative/harmful advice. It serves no purpose to continue to tell the OP to cut her parents off emotionally. She has not been abused or hurt and although it may not be perfect, she decided to try and develop a relationship with her parents. She is showing great maturity by her actions and it will be those actions that foster a better relationship. When an adult tells a young person to run from the parents that love her than I do not see anything wrong with voicing my concern with such advice. </p>
<p>Parents should think about the way they would want someone to talk to their children.</p>