<p>Hello, so I am a first generation Pakistani male who has found a lot of hindrance keeping a medium between a traditional life and a modern one. Throughout my life, I have gone back and forth with myself to decide which lifestyle I would adopt for myself; However, it isn’t just as simple as “choosing” for myself. I come from a very strict, orthodox Pakistani family and my father expects me, as the oldest son, to uphold and even fortify the traditional Pakistani paradigm that he has taught me in the hopes that I would serve as an exemplification to my younger brother and cousins. I have to admit, I have given in to all of his demands faithfully as a good son in the hopes that he will love me. I am a rising senior in high school, and I have never been to a school dance, I have never drank alcohol, I almost don’t do anything socially unless it is school related, and the only time I smoke every week is with my father and family smoking the family shisha. I do very well as a student in high school, and to be honest, I would expect to be any parents’ wet dream; I never say no to any task my parent’s ask of me, I do house chores, I listen to their every qualm and demand. However, my father has even higher expectations of me. He wants me to get an arranged marriage and before my sophomore year, I agreed. I had no other choice…</p>
<p>until I met my girlfriend. I have been going “out” ( although I feel wrongly ashamed when I use this expression) with her for 2.5 years. I met her as a sophomore in high school, and she was a senior in high school. She is Indian, and she understands our customs and traditions to a good extent, although one major difference is that her family is socially liberal even by western terms. She goes to college very close to me as a pre-med student and is very intelligent. I am sure if anyone on these CC boards brought home a girl even remotely similar to my girlfriend to their parents, their parents would be happy. My parents, on the other hand, would disown me. I am scared that my father has a leash on my neck because he is going to be paying my college tuition. So I figured that it would be smart to tell him after college. I am not saying that this girlfriend is the one I have my heart set on, I am not saying I will marry her, although I know what I want for myself, and it doesn’t include having an arranged marriage. This girl I am with now, has opened my eyes to a better life, a little less constricted by family burdens and expectations. I feel as though I am almost in a “dangerous” situation. I have never been open to anyone about this relationship, and I need to tell my father within the next few years so that he will accept me and this same girl or another girl that I am with. I cannot have my whole family disown me. What can I do to convince him that we live in America, and not in Pakistan?</p>
<p>Hmmm…that’s a tough one. </p>
<p>How soon does your dad expect you to be married? If you don’t need to be married till college is done maybe you could sort of slowly introduce her to them?</p>
<p>I wouldn’t come right out and say it just because it might be a shock but perhaps your parents could get to know her somehow. After all she is Indian and thus this might help them open up to her a little bit more if done right. </p>
<p>However I have no experience whatsoever in a situation like this so i’d take any advice from me with a grain of salt. I have a south Asian family as well but they’ve been pretty liberal with me so I don’t know how to cope with stricter more traditional families.
All the best.</p>
<p>I know this might be a little controversial, what I am going to say now, but in Pakistani terms, marrying an Indian is basically interracial. Thanks for your comment.</p>
<p>Ah, I suppose that complicate things more sorry to hear about it.</p>
<p>Have you talked with your dad about any of this? It seems like you obeyed them and sort of did everything without question up to this point. Maybe now would be good time to just sort of sit down and talk to him about his expectation for you in the future. See if you can somehow get out of the arrangement or at least maybe show him that not following some traditions wouldn’t ruin your life. After all as a parent he probably just wants what is best for you so maybe you can show him the arrangement atleast for now is probably not the most ideal thing for a student such as yourself.</p>
<p>I don’t think its about you marrying your girlfriend, I feel this is something a lot of kids have to go through with their parents. Believe me, I feel for you. Should they do like they do back home or adapt a little bit each generation?</p>
<p>From what you said, your parents love you and they love you very much. I think that if you introduce to them slowly that you want to go your own path they will consider it, after all these years of listening to them and doing as they said it may come as a surprise but they will not immediately disown your. I highly doubt they will do anything drastic.</p>
<p>Ultimately its what you want, there are choices we must make in life, tough choices, no matter what. Since you took the time to write a thoughtful question for us to answer, I am sure that you can somehow introduce your parents to what you want to make of your life.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Pshh, what’s the big deal? Can’t muslims have 4 wives at once? Marry the girlfriend, marry your parent’s choice, still 2 more to go…
(sorry if that was insensitive or if I’m thinking of mormons).</p>
<p>They can’t expect you to get married until you’re done with college, right? Tell them you have to focus on your studies - I remember from your many posts on the NYU board you’re doing Math which will be tough - so you can’t get married until after college, you wouldn’t want any distractions. Well at that point you’ll be 22, will have a college degree, and can tell your parents “Thanks mom and dad for paying for college, but I’m picking my own wife!” Not much they can do about it at that point, you won’t be dependent on them anymore. And even though they’ll be really upset at first, if they love you they’ll eventually come to deal with it and move on (younger siblings to marry off, right? :P) And if they disown you for not marrying a girl they picked, then it sounds like you might be better off without them in your life.</p>
<p>And first tell them you’re marrying a non-south Asian slutty bimbo girl, then once they meet the Indian doctor it won’t seem so bad…:p</p>
<p>^ Exactly.
There doesn’t seem to be much hope in getting him to change his dad’s thinking, though the OP is a better judge of that.</p>
<p>You might as well avoid the arranged marriage through college, and once you’re financially independent come out and tell them.</p>
<p>I don’t come from quite as strict a family background, but it’s definitely not the most liberal, and my parents are traditional people. One of the things you as a son have to do is get it strongly into your parents’ heads that they should be appreciating the way you’ve attempted to live life in a way that would make them proud. I am guessing that although your parents are very traditional, they are also very intelligent, and wouldn’t be oblivious to reasoning you’d give them, although they may not reveal this fact to you. </p>
<p>One of the reason many cultures tend to support arranged marriages, I think, is that they have seen only what they’d call the bad side of marriage in other cultures. It is believed in the traditional cultures that marriage is based not on any “click” or magic love, but on commitment, and that the most important thing is compatibility of the two individuals, so that they can be comfortable commiting to each other. In some senses, the traditional cultures have their point (hear me out, not endorsing your parents’ point of view necessarily), because I think what makes a lot of their divorce rates so much lower is that there’s not this idea that you marry the “right person” so much as that when two individuals marry, it’s a commitment for the two to love each other. </p>
<p>One of the best things you can do is convince your father that you’re a thoughtful individual who knows what he’s doing. For instance, that your girlfriend would be familiar with traditions your family holds important. While it’s fine and dandy to speak of totally ignoring the parents and taking off with this girl eventually, chances are if you valued your parents’ wishes enough up to this point, you have a strong enough relationship with them that you’d be pretty miserable to hurt. This sort of situation requires great deliberation. While you don’t have to talk about the girlfriend until later, I would certainly have discussions with the family about your views on marriage.</p>
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<p>I personally would not recommend doing this; I know Alix means very well here, but having seen traditional families go through with marriages not so traditional to them, this could create more tension than one may imagine. Not to mention, I personally think it sounds very ungrateful. I think many more measures should be taken to discuss the marriage process. Sure the ultimate conclusion might be similar, but I think the difference is that it’s probably much less worse if the son shows he’s level-headed and is very understanding of the parents’ concerns.</p>
<p>Honestly, it isnt even about the girlfriend, it is about gaining some individuality and becoming your own man with a separate identity outside of your family. I would by no means write off your parents for a girl you have been dating for a couple years in high school. That is not the right way to go about it. I would wait till you are at least a sophmore in college, because at that point they will have already invested around 1.5 -2 years tuition in you to have the “discussion.” I think you already know of what this discussion will consist. Explain to your father that you want to maintain your Pakistani roots and traditions, however, the arranged marriage is not something you wish to participate in. Although he will likely be very upset at first, he will come around, after all your parents sound like they love you, and that love will not allow them to just write you off simply because you want to choose your wife.</p>
<p>i have many paki friends that are in your situatuion, and I myself am in a similar one.
you have to ask yourself…how much does this girl mean to you?, I know its tough because I can tell she seems like a great girl. You mentioned that she is already in college, meaning that she’s older than you, and in our culture it should really be the other way around. the fact that her parents are socially liberal, will not go well with your parents…thats a given, because your parents want you to marry a girl, who has parents like you do…for the most part at least. I know that marrying an Indian, is not what your parents want for you, even though she agrees with your customs and is a pre med student.
Again…you have to ask yourself…how much does she really mean to you?
college will change you, it changes everyone at least slightly. In high school i didn’t do anything, but in college you will actually go out and smoke hookah with friends instead of family. you will meet new people, and find out different things. hopefully you will be dorming.
if this girl is special, and you do think she could potentially be “the one”…then this is what you do. No matter how hard it may be. Sometime soon you should sit your dad down, and be very serious. make sure your confident. give him details and speak in a generous voice so that he can understand. show him how much you care for her, and make him realize that you did not grow up in pakistan, and that they are great parents.
however if you feel like this girl is cool, but your not 100% yet, then i suggest you wait until you find out. and then tell your parents in a couple years.
if i were you, i would not tell them yet, because THEY are the ones who will be paying for your school, and that is most important. I would wait at least your first semester is over, and make sure you get superb grades and dont get into any trouble. this will show them that you are responsible and have a great future ahead of you.
you just gotta ask yourself…how much does this girl really mean to me?</p>
<p>^ Yeah, I will be dorming in college away from fam, thanks.</p>
<p>I would say as soon as your 18 ■■■■ and start a new modern american life…but thats just me and i didnt read this entire thread.</p>
<p>For those who don’t know, Indian and Pakistani is even worse than interracial in some regards. I’m Indian, and I know my parents judge Muslims unreasonably. It’s kind of like the hatred between Chinese and Japanese.</p>
<p>Just providing a bit of background. I have to say, I’m in a similar position. However, I’m single (for better of for worse).</p>
<p>Assuming youre parents are unreasonable and overbearing, I would suggest you say that you dont want an arranged marriage, but do not bring up indian gf, that will just cause more problems. I also wouldnt suggest bailing out of there once you hit 18, you would be surprised how much you still need to rely on your parents, even in college. Not to mention theyre your parents, if they love you, they will hopefully be somewhat understanding of you not wanting to be forced into a lifetime commitment with someone you dont know, even if it is tradition.</p>
<p>Yeah, I won’t tell them before undergraduate studies lol</p>
<p>I used to live in an area where there were lots of Indian and Pakistani families and many of them were very traditional (in addition to your life, carried a Koran, wore the hat, females wearing the burka, were excused from class to pray, etc.). It seemed most of them prefered the arranged marriage idea and were happy to have one. Though this was middle school, they wern’t getting married yet so they may have felt differently later. I don’t know what you should say to your parents, but are they aware at all that you would prefer not to have an arranged marriage? They may think that you’re happy with the idea.</p>
<p>I wonder how will it feel like to get oneself into an arranged marriage?? </p>
<p>Isn’t India and Pakistan are always involved in some sort of mini wars? You parents should actually be happy then. You are trying to improve the international relations between the countries.
Seriously though, if you tell your dad now, he won’t take you seriously or respect your decision since he stills sees you as a teenager. 4 years down the road, he will respect you as an adult and your choices.</p>
<p>The above is true. Traditional families often do not believe in youngsters making wise decisions about relationships and marriage.</p>
<p>NO. Whatever you do, do not get an arranged marriage. Marry who you want to marry.
It is an insult to autonomy, freedom, and human rights.
Do not be a slave. The world is your paradise to live the life that you choose.</p>
<p>Whose life are you living? Yours or your dad’s?</p>
<p>You only have one life to live, and christ is it short. Then you rot in the ground. Live your life the way you want to live it. Not the life your teachers demand, society demands, or your parents demand you live (if it’s different from you desires).</p>
<p>High school relationships seldom last, but I think that’s beside the point. Even if you “hide” this girl, then the next girl that comes along who doesn’t meet your parents rigorous demands will bring up this problem all over again. Then again, maybe you should hide things until you go away to college/ graduate from college.</p>
<p>Parents should love unconditionally. If you think your father will only “love you” if you obey his every whim, that is very sad. And if it’s true, than your father doesn’t really love you after all, but simply loves your obedience or “loves” your deeds.</p>
<p>Tough situation. If it were me, I’d date whoever I wanted and say the hell with my parents. Even if my mom or dad cut me off from college funds (which I doubt they would) - employers LOVE hearing you paid your own way through college. It’s like +1.0 pts on your g.p.a, lol.</p>