<p>Seems like you have thought things through very well. Continue your plan! Tell him you are not ready to think about marriage (which isn’t a lie, you really should wait until you have a stable job to marry) and graduate. </p>
<p>Is there anyone that he will listen to that agrees with you? Your mother perhaps? Your Grandfather? Grandmother? Uncle? Someone in his generation or above might help you - even someone you trust.</p>
<p>You know, you guys should be careful about saying stuff like, “if your parents really love you, they’ll accept you etc.” The American idea of parental love can be very different from the Middle Eastern one. It’s kind of a whole different mindset that’s difficult to explain in a short space. </p>
<p>To the OP: It’s gonna hurt either way. Of course you are going to have to figure this out for yourself, but here’s my advice about what to do if you do decide to be independent. Level with your parents as respectfully but firmly as you can. They’ll disown you. They’ll tell you you’re a disappointment to them and all that. You’ll have to find other people (friends, mentors) to help you out, to be sort of a substitute family. Do NOT try to rely only on your girlfriend (not just this one, but any girlfriend) and her family to be your substitute family, at least until after you get married. It will just make your relationship extremely tangled up and complicated. </p>
<p>Regarding financial stuff, if you are a good student, you might be able to get some scholarships to some “lower tier” state schools. Or you could start off at community college. Not that prestigious, but it depends on what’s important to you - if you’re going to go against your family on the marriage issue, who cares about what they think about the prestige of your college, right? ;)</p>
<p>Above all, if you go the route of striking it out on your own against your family’s wishes, don’t blame yourself for their reaction or you will make yourself crazy. (not like schizophrenic crazy, but depressed and stuff) I cannot emphasize that more strongly. I’ve seen this happen in my (Iranian) family - the worst thing is to live your life feeling like you’re a worthless person because your family no longer accepts you.</p>
<p>*As a Pakistani I can tell you this: *Your best shot at this might be to talk to your parents about this. Calmly and politely tell them your side of the story. I understand that families are somewhat (actually, A LOT) conservative in our part of the world, but parents never want to see their kids unhappy, or make them do stuff against their will.</p>
<p>As far as getting disowned is concerned, IMO try not to get to THAT extreme point.</p>
<p>All the best.</p>
<p>Arranged marriages are oppresive, especailly for women, Its a way of continuing to control their lives and tradition isnot enough of a reason to have control over another adults life like that.</p>
<p>I don’t understand this need to hold onto past horrid tradtions that oppress half of the population of a society. Burkas are disgusting, and cruel. Why blame the women for man’s behaviors?</p>
<p>Until you elevate women to equal parties in a culture, that culture is not one that should be honored. I am sorry if that is offensitve, but as a liberal progressive woman, that is what I believe.</p>
<p>To the OP, do you want to continue in a life that would reject a person you love? What kind of culture reejects people like that. The culture that put women down.</p>
<p>Why hold on to a family that does not want you to be your own man?</p>
<p>If you need to play the game to get through college do it. So what if you don’t follow through and marry some girl who also has no choice in the matter. Serves your parents right.</p>
<p>ps- so you get disowned. so what. many people have amazingly happy and fulfulling lives without birth family around. They make their own familey of friends. </p>
<p>being disowned and shunned is not the worst thing that could happen. It might be very freeing to be honest.</p>
<p>Yeah, thank you guys a lot, it has been a real help! I never actually anticipated so many people trying to give their best opinion on a topic, well let’s be honest, that is fully loaded. I feel as though the west hasn’t really met the east in an adequate way.</p>
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<p>Arranged marriages are far from intended to be oppressive, whatever you may believe. Plus, the definition of “arranged” can vary – usually all parties, including the to be new couple have a huge say in what goes on, who they’re marrying, etc. One must be shrewd and understand the intent of all forms of marriage if one is to present a convincing argument, and not get caught up in the overdone “live your life how you want to” thing. Anybody can say “it’s your life, live it” – well, not so simple is it? Certain cultures hold tradition to be so important that a son going against a tradition for his own pleasure is almost seen as a blatant spitting in the face of the dad/mom. Thus, as a poster pointed out, a father taking huge offense at the breaking of a tradition isn’t exactly a sign his love is any weaker. Rather, as offensive as the act of forbidding a child to marry as he pleases is to a lot of the westerners, so offensive is the defiance against tradition to many easterners. Both need to try to understand each other.</p>
<p>To be successful in this game, OP, you must first reflect: why do you not want an arranged marriage? What is “arranged marriage” defined as to your family? What are the positives of this form of marriage (the one I think of off the bat is that it is more firmly based on a commitment to stay together and *learn * to love one another than many more romantic marriages, which are based on a mystery “love” which, if eventually fading away, accompanied by fundamental disagreements, could lead to divorce, something much less common and accepted in the eastern world)? </p>
<p>Then, present your argument (at the right time of course) to your parents. Sorry, but if I were a parent and my kid told me “Shove off, I’m doing as I please, don’t interfere in my marriage plans,” I’d know the kid’s an immature fool; parents do have the benefit of age and experience, and it is very good to listen to what they have to say. That doesn’t mean falling flat on the ground to worship tradition, and ultimately one must draw the line, but for well thought out reasons.</p>
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<p>This is quoted for being what I consider very good advice. Blaming oneself is very unhealthy. If you believe as I do that extreme psychological turmoil can even lead to bad physical health, and at that really bad, you should take this advice to heart.</p>
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<p>Many “arranged” marriages happen this way.</p>
<p>Don’t exactly see THAT type of marriage “oppressive”</p>
<p>How hot is the girl for the arranged marriage? Take that into consideration. What if the arranged marriage girl is better than your current girl?</p>
<p>There’s actually a Simpsons episode on this topic if you need more guidance.</p>
<p>Really akhman24? We are going to go there and ask him if his arranged match is “hotter”?</p>
<p>jesus christ dude, lol. That’s just beyond dumb.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry to hear this: living in a society so separated from your parent’s beliefs is difficult, I’m sure. Have you read the Namesake? It is a good book in the way that it contemplates the differences between a father and son. It is set in an Indian family, but I think it is a cross-cultural reference more than anything.</p>
<p>In Western society, and most of CC, one would tell you to “follow your heart”. In Pakistani society, one would say to “follow tradition” and social rule. My interpretation would be to do what rings honest to you, and it might not necessarily be your favorite option. What is good isn’t always what is easy.</p>
<p>tell your gf to let their parents arrange with your parents… problem solved</p>
<p>^He already said he didn’t think he wanted to marry his gf, which is good. I mean he’s young, imo why get focused on that so early?</p>
<p>Anyway, </p>
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<p>“Liberal progressive” or just close minded?</p>
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<p>I find so much in your post to be ridiculous. Just because another culture has practices you don’t agree with, does not make them any worse than yours/ours! It’s just different. You’re thumbing your nose at something because you feel you’re better than them, and that’s not the case. You have to understand that, for the most part, arranged marriages work pretty well in some countries. And by claiming his family does not want him to “be his own man” is stupid; they DO want him to be a man. Just a traditional one, like his own father was raised to be. You’re basically just touting your American ideals as truth and making yourself look like an idiot, sorry to say. </p>
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<p>Do you even read what you type? Being shunned from your family is not something anyone wants to experience! You aren’t allowed any contact with your family, people you love and have known all your life. Yes you can still live a “happy” life, but it isn’t the same, especially when you’re this young. You shouldn’t advocate that to anyone. </p>
<p>You’re making his parents out to be villians when they’re not. They’re just doing what they feel is right by their son. All of our parents do the same.</p>
<p>And that’s from one “liberal, progressive” female to another. </p>
<p>OP- This is a tough situation. I don’t really believe sitting down and talking with them will ease their minds about anything, only because my parents are pretty traditional (Africans) and speaking with them about a lot of things can quickly escalate into an argument, where they shut their minds to whatever I’m trying to say. I learned though, that I got a lot farther by doing rather than just saying. Like, if I tried completing a task a different way and was successful, then they were more susceptible to listen to me again when I made a suggestion? That sort of thing. So maybe there’s a way you could just show them that you’re able to live a good, (Muslim? Assuming you’re not considering changing your faith) life w/o the strict tradition and arranged marriages. </p>
<p>I really hope this works out for you.</p>
<p>Wouldn’t your dad disown on the fact that the girl is Indian, alone?</p>
<p>Well said collegebound91. I couldn’t have said it any better. </p>
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<p>You know, peter_parker, it’s not as black and white as you put it. I think you are being insensitive to the fact that culturally, he is a Pakistani. In Indian and Pakistani societies, we don’t think of this as “It is my life and I will live the way I want to”. Families play a huge part in who we are and the decisions we make in our lives. That doesn’t necessarily mean that we are oppressed or controlled by our parents and can’t live how we want to. Yes, I want to live life my way, but if that means I have to disappoint my parents to get what I want, I will not do it. </p>
<p>To NuclearPakistan - dude, you should just wait until you are out of college to discuss anything marriage related. Conservative south asian parents think that if you are dating someone at the moment, it means you guys are very serious and would consider marriage. However, that isn’t the case as many people our age just want to date to see what’s “out there”, and parents won’t get that. For the moment, don’t tell them anything about this girl as your parents will be very disappointed. As someone else said, when you’re older and can live independently, you can tell them about her (provided that you’re still dating) and hopefully they’ll understand. I don’t think that any parent would stop you from marrying her if you really want - it will just take some convincing. :)</p>
<p>Oh, and people here have NO idea about arranged marriages. It’s not like you’re being introduced to some guy/girl in your family friend’s circle and then being forced to marry them. It’s NOT coercion or a “violation of human rights”. That happens in rural villages or small towns where people are generally poorer. Most arranged marriages today are kinda like where your parents just introduce you to a girl/guy, either through family gatherings, parties, weddings, etc - and then it is up to you to decide if you want to pursue anything with that person. You have the freedom of choice to chose your own partner.</p>
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<p>That could be a problem! Especially if she’s Hindu and you’re a Muslim.</p>
<p>^ Well she is Christian Indian, and I am a Pakistani Muslim.</p>
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<p>You also have to ask yourself (OK, for argument’s sake, as you may or may not have a long term relationship with this girlfriend): how comfortable are you commiting your life to someone of a different religious background? It can be a huge hurdle in terms of raising kids, etc. People can love and admire each other, but needn’t be marriage material, it’s that simple. </p>
<p>If two people are Muslim and Christian only by name, and their religious backgrounds aren’t hugely important to them, fine. But it sounds like you’re somewhat traditional yourself, as you even went along with your parents’ traditions, and I wouldn’t underestimate the significance of that.</p>
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<p>Definitely true. I don’t think most people get this either. To be perfectly honest, even in Western society, if one goes back some generations, I think it was somewhat like this – perhaps a friend, parent, or the like would have heard of someone compatible to you, and suggested them. Even today, how some people ultimately end up getting married is by considering, when the time is ripe, that they’ve known certain individuals that they never considered as marriage material, but who share similar values and are trustworthy, perhaps even known and liked by the parents, and then they decide to get together. The point is, it doesn’t have to be that one meets another randomly at college, they decide they love each other over some period of time, and then get married.</p>
<p>While the OP is certainly being intelligent about all this, I recommend he give further reflection to what exactly he wants out of marriage, and what his likes and dislikes truly are.</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure Islam allows men to marry Christian and Jewish women as long as the kids are raised Muslim. I don’t know how she’d feel about that but there’s not a religious problem, just cultural.</p>