<p>^The girl I am currently with is not very religious. She is pretty pluralistic and open minded which is nice. She has no problem with raising children as Muslim, because I have talked to her about that sort of thing, although that is too far in the future. Islam allows Muslim men to marry Jewish and Christian girls as long as they convert, however, ( I know this is unfair) it doesn’t work the other way around. Muslim females cannot marry out of religion.</p>
<p>I’ve heard Muslim men can marry Christian/Jewish women (even if they don’t convert) as long as the children are raised Muslim, but Muslim women can only marry other Muslims (including converts since they’re Muslims too) since Islam is passed through the father, not mother. So it shouldn’t be a religious problem, just the cultural thing since she’s indian.</p>
<p>It’s not worth ruining yoru relationship with your parents over your HS girlfriend, but I’m assuming when you’re older you’ll meet a woman you will want to marry, so what are you gonna do then? I wouldn’t worry about it too much now since you’re just in HS, but tell your parents you’ll think about marriage after college. You still have years to gradually talk them out of the arranged thing.</p>
<p>I have a friend with traditional Indian parents who wouldn’t let her date in HS. Now in College she’s dating an Indian-American guy and they’re fine with it since they approve of him…have you introduced your parents to your girlfriend? Or would they hate her just based on her being Indian? I understand political conflicts, but I think that sounds a little extreme.</p>
<p>^I’m not the OP but generally of the traditional Indinan and Pakistani families I’ve known, that would definately not be okay.</p>
<p>Again though, do they even know you don’t want an arranged marriage?</p>
<p>break it slow…
I am a hindu from South India, and my parents are definetely as strict as yours. However, we have many muslim friends and we even celebrate a few festivals together.
But, my parents would stil “kill” me if i didn’t get an arranged marriage…
and I can understand why you have trouble telling them/doing things that they don’t want you to do…its the same way with me…
I say first tell them that you don’t think arraanged marriages are a good idea
but don’t come right out and say that
you should just bring up things like how quite a few arranged marriages don’t work, and so on
see how they take it, and then maybe tell them about (if you know any) other muslims/pakistanis that married christians/hindus/indians(well any interacial really)…
you definetely need to break the news over a few months maybe a year
don’t do it in a week or something
that could cause serious problems :(</p>
<p>Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not supporting them, but:</p>
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<p>This is not a strong argument to bring up, IMO. If I were to argue this to some of the most elderly people in my family, they could spit right back and say that the rate at which people marry and divorce in many westernized cultures is pitiful. And, to a large degree, it is; I think getting something other than an arranged marriage requires a pretty careful, mature individual to work through properly, because you don’t have the benefit of your parents’ age and experience. I would say it should definitely be done much later in life. Even early in college, people are pretty immature, with a few exceptions. </p>
<p>My own suggestion is also that you should be open to meeting the right girl however it is you can. If it’s through a friend’s suggestion, so be it. If you find her yourself, so be it. And if your parents find her and she actually truly * is* right for you, well go out with her, make sure you like each other, and go from there.</p>
<p>I’d carry on meeting girls if that’s what you’d like to do (or just stick with this one), but wait until you’re much older to bring up any issue of marriage at all, unless you’re unusually certain that you’ve thought about things from all angles, and you consider yourself very wise. </p>
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<p>Quoted because I think this is important. I think having intellectual discussions about the subject is very important. Let them help you form your opinion, and you help them understand where you’re coming from.</p>
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<p>Fair, but how about her parents? Some parents who aren’t very much into religion may not like you “forcing” your own values on the kids. If the parents don’t get along with each other or with you, that can be uncomfortable. As much as you and your girlfriend may like each other, the girlfriend is, after all, her parents’ daughter, and would probably not be happy at all if her parents were to be deeply unhappy. Matters like this require care. Great care.</p>
<p>As an anglo born and raised in the US the entire notion of arranged marriages seemed bizarre – until I met two people who were happily in them. One was a well-educated Indian woman, and when she explained the process that was involved, her ability to agree or not to the specific match, and her overall high level of satisfaction with the marriage. The other is an Indian engineer who works with my husband, and who is quite happily married via arranged marriage to a woman from the town he came from in India. About that point I realized that it was my own cultural limitation that had led me to discredit the entire notion. It is not any weirder than our notion of romantic love, and frankly, arranged marriages have been around for a lot longer. There is also a lot to be said for a marriage that is strongly supported by both sets of parents.</p>
<p>Having said that, I’d encourage the OP to put off the discussion unless plans are already being made for the arranged marriage.</p>
<p>^ I am glad you shared that point of view. The problem is that westerners misunderstand arranged marriage quite often, and easterners can limit the options for the son/daughter by not letting them get together with someone they didn’t explicitly find themselves. Ideally the standard in both cultures would be that whether parents or their sons/daughters find their future spouses, ultimately compatibility and happy married life is what one must compromise enough to arrive at.</p>
<p>If you’re Muslim, you shouldn’t have been going out with her in the first place, but that’s not the point so there’s no point talking about it.</p>
<p>Be a bit more of an opportunist. If you can’t really decide whether to take the traditional Indian-Sub-Con life or this western one, then do what you want either way when it suits you. You’re parents will always adjust enough to live with it.
I myself am from Bangladesh, but I live in Wales. I live a medium between my ethnic, religious, western, and social life aspects. My philosophy is to live the way I see fit and make myself the person I want to be. I’d reccomend this to every one else, too.</p>
<p>Ha-hang on a sec! I just read you’re other stuff and you ARE muslim! Hey! Smoking & pre-marital relationship is a no-no for us guys. For smoking, it ways in the Quran:
‘We (God) do not love those who harm themselves for pleasure.’
This is interpreted as Emo slice-wrist sort of stuf, AND stuff like alchohol, drugs, and in effect, smoking. Why do you think we don’t drink alcohol? Smoking is just a regular drug but we’d have economical problems in these countries if it was gotten rid of.
Pre-marital stuff: Not allowed. Do your parents know you were in a relationship like that? Were you aware of this? Rules in our religion are not for picking and choosing; they have been given to us. Since you’re getting married (assumingly) and if you only just found this out (which is kinda stupid, no offense, really) you can just repent. We may live in the West, or, even more, since there are many children of converts out there, we may be western, but we’re still muslim. Where we live DOESN’T change who we are, and what we know about God and the Universe.
(plus, to the guy who said we could have 4 wives earlier, we can, but we believe God doesn’t like it but we can do it if there are complications. See, we ARE flexible XD)(also, Ilovetoquilt, don’t be racist. Arranged can mean a lot of things. In some places, yeah, they did used to oppress. Hell, they do in some even fewer ones… But it is and was very rare, especially in Islamic lands (when they were Islamic). We don’t oppress woman, contrary to popular belief. Oh yeah, and getting disowned and not caring is like ur parents chucking you. Not nice. Big neglect of love.))
Oh yeah you said you may not want to marry her, if so you shouldn’t be dating her bc there isn’t even an intention to marry. Not that you should be dating if there was. Since you don’t wnt to marry her, don’t. If you don’t like the arranged chick, don’t. Wait till you find someone you connect with to the extent you want to marry. Be aware though: Usually with women who fall in love with you and vice versa very quick and VERY deeply the love extinguishes quick, too. That’s why sometimes you should talk a bit more to them woen people think you’re compatible with. If you don’t like them after all that then you’re parents and theirs were obviously WRONG, innit?
Right, assuming you get married to ur gf:
She’s Christian so the marriage is religiously accepted & allowed, but life will be so much easier if she sees the truth. Members of all the Abrahamic religions go to heaven according to Islam, but further enlightenment grants higher rewards. It’s like being born and being given an option of being blind, having to wear glasses, or see crystal clear. What’s the obvious choice?
Personally, I’d really want the one I love to be close to God.
Also, She’s probably not a very religious Christian if she’ll let you raise the kids muslim without her influencing them. You’ll probably find, like I do with a lot of scenarios, that she’ll go buy haram stuff when you leave temporarily. Happens a lot. Also, only having one person teaching you religion is much harder to live with. You NEED another person to guide you, to fortify your belief in its early stages.
Ok, I’ll leave you there. Try to think about what I’ve said… And If anything I said offended you or put you off, please tell me. I hate it when I do something like that by accident.</p>
<p>If you’re Muslim, why in the WORLD are you dating? Wouldn’t she respect you and your religion enough to understand that, as a Muslim, you don’t date? Why are you even thinking about this now? I mean, isn’t school more important.
“I’ve heard Muslim men can marry Christian/Jewish women (even if they don’t convert) as long as the children are raised Muslim, but Muslim women can only marry other Muslims (including converts since they’re Muslims too) since Islam is passed through the father, not mother.”
@Alix2012: Muslim men can marry Christian/Jewish women, but it isn’t solely because Islam is passed through the father. Muslim women marrying non-Muslim men might pose various pressures on the Muslim wife, due to the differences, and, in this culture, the husband being ‘more in charge’.</p>
<p>I am sure there are many western parents who wish they could select there childrens mates. I for one know that my daughter already met the perfect young man for her, unfortunatly she broke up with him. I do not think she will ever meet someone else that was that right for her.</p>
<p>Parents are very wise and they know their children well. Your parents want you to have a wonderful life which means having a wonderful well suited wife. I have met at least twenty couples who have had arranged marriages and frankly I think there is something to it. They are all happy and the family bond between the families serves to straighten the couples bond. I am sure many Americans will think I am crazy for this opinion but I have seen the benefits to arranged marriages.
Good luck with this decision and give it much thought.</p>