Its me again. I have a major issue. This morning I was downstairs and the acoustics in the house are alot. Basically I overheard a conversation my parents were having upstairs and they were talking about me. My dad was talking about how he was dissppointed with everything I have done so far and doesn’t think I can graduate in CS from Purdue, and said he thought I would only be capable of doing a “10 dollar an hour secretary IT job”.
A little background knowledge about what prompted this. I started Purdue Spring 2015( Go Boilermakers) after transferring from Ohio State University. I would say I didnt do badly for my first semester, but nothing spectacular. I got about a 3.5 GPA in my first semester which I view as pretty good. My parents were actually pretty happy with this. So they decided I should try to get ahead and take a class at community college over the summer while I am doing my paid internship. The class was Multivariable calculus(Calc 3). Basically I would go to class from 7:30 am to 10 am and then report to my internship from 10-5. The grade in my community college class would not reflect in my GPA and would just count as credit. It turns out I kinda stretched myself a bit thin taking a fast paced 6 week math class and working at a finance internship. So I didnt get credit for the class. Keep in mind the class will not reflect anything at Purdue except credit. Basically for the longest time my parents have never seemed happy with what I did(I’ll admit in school I can procrastinate, but I never did badly). Basically for years my parents would kinda view me in comparison to other Indian Kids and never be happy. Also for the past two years they have been criticizing by some of the extra weight I put on during college( I am 175 pounds and 5’11’’ you do the BMI calculuation). My father has gone as far as to see me eat during vacation and say “From a objective standpoint I think you have a eating disorder because all you do is talk about food and never stop eating”. That really feels bad because for a while I have been using Rogaine which is cited to have weight gain as a side effect. None the less in their conversation my dad was saying “I dont think he will graduate and he doesnt have much capability other than being a secretary because it seems at his internship all he talks about is scheduling meetings for other people”. This morning I basically was sobbing in my car on the way to my intership because of what he said.
They were talking about how they might have to take me out of school since they dont think I can handle it. I am lost and I am not sure what to do. Ever since I got to Purdue I have been so happy because I finally have a community that supports me and my grades were decent. If you were me what should I do?
(Many) Asian parents only have the ability to look above rather than below. Meaning – while they’ll be endlessly impressed with how so-and-so’s son has a 4.0 at MIT, they won’t be satisfied with your 3.5 at Purdue or recognize that there are many in their 5th yr of community college barely passing. I don’t know what an IT secretary even is but rest assured, you won’t be one – you’re perfectly average at CS, you’re not failing out!?
In terms of what to do – do they pay for Purdue?
I think a 3.5 is perfectly acceptable esp in CS; most engineering types of majors are hard and do not require a 3.9+ for gainful employment. You’re a soph now, right? Do you think you can inch up your grades a bit next semester to keep them paying for school (if they do)? Could you take a few easy electives to artificially bump things up? Also – why do you discuss so much with them? Why are you telling them what you’re doing at your internship? (Many - not all) Asian parents criticize constantly and ALWAYS think you can do better – it’s the mentality that a 99% just isn’t good enough, you shouldn’t gotten the 100% and they say it – even when they can see their kid is pretty darn proud of that 99%; sometimes it’s on purpose and sometimes it’s a clear lack of communication skills and realizing what you can and cannot say even to a grown child. Knowing this I’ve always drawn a VERY clear line re my work. When they ask – my answer is “it’s fine” or I’ll very very broadly describe some project I’m a part of without clarifying my exact role; this saves the commentary of whether my work is “important” enough or not.
Yeah they pay the full tuition and my apartment which makes this hard. I just dont know what I can do for them to let me go back. The ironic part is my dad set this internship up for me. Basically the only reason why I say what I do is because I feel proud at least I am doing some work. They want to send me to DePaul or just no where because they think I am only capable of secretary’s work. The whole thing is they didnt even say this motivate me, but they said this in confidence to each other.
Well, first of all…do your parents know that you overheard their conversation? If not, that is GREAT news! Never let them know that you did. Go back to college in the fall…continue to do the great job you were already doing…enjoy your good life there…and maybe when you’re 35 and at the top, you might mention to your folks that you’re happy to say that you exceeded everyone’s expectations. (which you ARE going to do).
Start making a plan to do next year’s summer internship away from home. WIth a 3.5 GPA, you should be competitive for good internships arranged with help of the U, not just through your dad.
Conversation between parents in private. Don’t pay too much attention to it. Honestly. Sometimes I say terrible things about my kids, in a heat of the moment, that I don’t really mean.
Time to talk with them. First I’d get some data - what percentage of the students in comp sci at Purdue have a GPA of 3.5. I’m betting your in the top half, if not the top quarter of the comp sci students. And certainly in the top half of the student body overall. Second, what percentage of student with your GPA in comp sci where able to get jobs in comp sci within 6 months of when they graduated? The career services office should have data. Once you have data, it’s easier to respond to vague charges of ‘under-performance.’ You aren’t under-performing by the way. You know that. Frankly, I’d be surprised if they don’t know that too. Find out why your dad is concerned - is there something specific that is on his mind?
Next is to have the conversation in which you convey how much you are enjoying school, how happy you are that you are doing so well, and how much you look forward to returning. If they have objections, they need to raise them now. And if they are expecting you to transfer for the fall, they’ve missed the window.
Lastly, I know Indian families love to talk about food (I have one). Refuse to talk about what you eat, how much you weigh or whether you have an eating disorder. Have a list of topics ready so you can change the conversation. If you decide you have an eating issue that you’d like to address, you school probably has a paid nutritionist on the staff consulting to the sports teams and a counselor at the student counseling center who can talk with you about how to eat a healthy diet. Again, get the data.
I don’t think your parents can withdraw you from school. They can refuse to pay your tuition and rent, but I would think tuition has already been paid.
A 3.5 is quite respectable. Isn’t Purdue a school with tough grading?
Go back to school, do not say anything to your parents at this time and find an internship that is not in your home city next summer. You need to forge a life for yourself apart from your parents. Love them, appreciate their paying for your education and thank them. Your father is probably expressing his worries and fears in a not very good way. Parents do make mistakes all of the time. So please try to ignore what you heard. You sound like a very good son.
It’s almost mid-August – don’t you leave for school in another 2-3 weeks anyway? Do you really think they’d pull you out of school w no options right now? Even if they want you to go back to OSU or transfer to DePaul, it’s a process and I’m fairly certain it’s too late for this semester.
Knowing nothing else, my guess would be the following – OSU and DePaul would be free or cheap and they’re having to spend $$$ to sent you to Purdue. Having spent that money, they expect they are entitled to a son with a 4.0 GPA in CS and an internship running IBM. Because you do not have either, you are inherently a failure. Am I close??
^ Thanks for the advice, but here is the thing. I don’t have an eating problem. Im pretty slender for my age. I wouldnt need to see any nutritionst about it.
DePaul admits people pretty quickly and they would never let me go back to OSU. It would cost them more to send me to those palces. Idk what to do honestly.
I’m an Indian guy in high school and I kinda have a similar situation. My parents always threaten me with something terrible like they’ll send me to community college even though I’ve always been hardworking and have 4.0+gpa and good test scores, and tell me I won’t be anything in life, etc. However, none of there threats actually happened, which is typical. Indian parents are scary and their methods are not right, but it’s the way it is and the people usually end up being successful in the long run.
You may be overthinking a bit because they haven’t actually pulled you out of college from what you know and I highly doubt they would at this point. Go back to college, give your best effort in every class and prove them wrong.
I don’t think you are overweight. What’s this comment about BMI. My husband is 6 feet and weight 170. He is slim. If he loose anymore weight it would look good. I don’t check his BMI number because I know he is not overweight.
I have no useful opinion on dealing with Indian parents, but I did want to say that Multivariable Calc in 6 weeks starting at 7:30 am would be very difficult for anyone. The pace of a 6 week class is just about crazy. My husband, the Physics PhD says multivariable (in a regular semester) was the hardest math course he ever took, and he took a lot of math. Even though you didn’t pass it this time, it will give you some introduction to the subject, so that when you take it “for real” at Purdue, you will do better than if you took it cold.
Unfortunately, since you need your abusive parents’ support to finish college, there is not much you can do, since they have all of the power in this situation. If they cut off support, then you need to wait until age 24 or after military service to be an independent student for financial aid purposes.
Once you graduate, however, you can take a job far away from them and minimize contact with them and their abuse.
Oh, and for upthread comments about “Asian parents”, this is not exclusively an Asian parent thing, and most Asian parents are not abusive in this manner, because most Asian college students are not getting 4.0 GPAs or otherwise hitting such targets of perfection, so if they had such abusive parents, they would have mental health issues at far higher frequency than they actually do.