Back in the fall, shortly after I moved over 1500 miles across the country, I randomly reconnected with an acquaintance of mine via Facebook. Despite never really talking before, we quickly became very close, and she was a wonderful support to me as I was going through the transition of moving and starting a new job. I’m in my late 20s, female, not straight, single but dating. She’s in her mid-40s, happily married to a man (monogamously) but not straight. She told me early on in our reconnected friendship that she “doesn’t love many people and is hard to really love.” I took this as an indication that we would probably never be uber close, which was fine.
We became really close anyway, and in December, she told me “I love you” for the first time. Honestly, I had realized that I loved her–in what way exactly, I’m not sure–a few weeks before, so I said it back. We say “I love you” to each other at least once a day, usually more often. We send each other FB memes about love (and also about friendship). When we argue at night, we pause the argument to tell each other “I love you” before we go to bed. Our conversations often include a lot of heart emoji. She’s made a couple of references to kissing me, though I don’t think she’s serious about those (and has never wanted/tried to act on those in person).
Her husband knows about all this, and I don’t think she has any romantic feelings toward me. I think that she thinks of our relationship as an entirely normal platonic relationship, but honestly, it feels more romantic than some of the romantic relationships I’ve been in. It’s wonderful–I love her and I feel incredibly, richly loved by her. I care about her and like her a great deal, and she likes and cares about me. We’ve been there for each other through tough stuff. But it also confuses me, because if I were dating her, I don’t know what would be different, really. I have platonic friends to whom I’ve said I love you and vice versa, but not every day and not like this.
I love her a lot, and this relationship makes me so happy, but it also confuses me. I don’t want to bring up how romantic this feels to me because I don’t want to seem creepy and weird her out or ruin anything. On the other hand, I kind of feel like I may be developing romantic feelings for her because our relationship essentially feels like dating as it is.
Seems to me she’s having her cake and eating it too. This doesn’t sound healthy, or fair, for you. You are emotionally invested in this person, who is married to someone else. I would put some emotional distance between you and then see how things shape up.
It sounds to me as if she is possibly playing with you from the sanctuary of a conventional marriage, and although she is possibly genuinely fond of you, she is also using you. This is kind of like the breakfast metaphor that says the chicken contributed (eggs), but the pig is really committed (bacon).
I would advise you to look for a relationship with a person who is not married (to a man or woman, doesn’t matter).
I don’t think she’s using me–if anything, I’ve leaned on her so much (it’s been a rough year) that I feel a bit like I’m using her (I’ve supported her through stuff, too, though). I’m also under no illusions that we are or ever will be in an actual romantic relationship–she’ll never be my girlfriend–but just that this feels a bit like one.
Sweetie, for your emotional health, please move on to outside relationships that can lead to more than an odd triad. IMHO, this is not a healthy relationship, from what you’ve stated. It’s time to spread your wings and find unattached others to build friendships with.
OP, I don’t know what you should do. I think my only advice is be careful of getting advice from people online that know maybe one tenth of the situation and provide well meaning advice at the snap of the fingers based only on what they read in the OP and maybe a few subsequent replies from the OP.
Honestly, when it comes to love, and a few other hot topics, no one on earth really knows what you should do except you. You are the one who knows all the nuances of the relationship. I’ve posted a few things here and was shocked at how people misread, intentionally or not, and actually propagated complete nonsense based on their own misinformation and other misinformed posts. They literally would say things like it is obvious you (meaning me) haven’t done this or that or they would act like they knew my intentions when they didn’t. All because I posted something here on CC they jumped right in with, in same cases helpful advice, but lots of times way out on left field nonsense.
So, my advice, is share your confusion with a large circle of friends and acquantances, at the right time, and think things through on your own. There are a variety of “right” answers depending on about 100 assumptions and possibilities so just be careful what you do next. One possibility is she loves you back. She is married but maybe she is moving in a different direction now and … who knows you might be the perfect fit for her life where she is now. Or, maybe she is using you but it sounds like she does have feelings for you so maybe you should let her know you feel like it is no longer plutonic. I hope you work it out.
Because of the age difference,( in addition to the fact that she’s married), this seems sort of like an odd parent/child or teacher/student relationship. It doesn’t sound healthy to me. I could be wrong, but it looks like she’s toying with you. You seem to be in a more vulnerable position, and at risk of getting hurt.
What would I think if a 40-something married guy had a deep online relationship with a 20-something single woman, in which he tells her he loves her and starts talking about kissing her? Unless the young woman and the wife of the guy were OK with the expectation of polyamory, I’d think it was creepy and he was using her.
I don’t kiss or write/talk about kissing any of my platonic friends (both genders). To me, kissing and talking about kissing and love moves a relationship from platonic to sexual. From the title of the thread, it seems OP may also feel the relationship is no longer as platonic as it once was.
I can’t get past this. I’m not sure what is happening here, and I don’t want to ask questions that are none of my business, but this suggests it is way past platonic to me.
Please think this through carefully and proceed with caution.
I would probably tell anyone I cared about not to get involved with someone who is married…the gender thing really doesn’t matter. There I’d a world of difference in two friends who say love ya in closing a conversation and discussing kissing or other sexual innuendos.
I do NOT discuss kissing with any platonic friends and do not know anyone who does. Saying “Love you,” in a conversation is something I may do with platonic friends and relatives but I do NOT discuss kissing with any of them.
There seems to be quite a consensus of opinion, which is pretty rare in College Confidential.
Speaking as a parent, all the “I love you’s” and references to kissing, emojis, etc, are sending a confusing message. It’s cultivating a relationship, not “normal platonic.” And that’s where you, the young single gal in a new city, with your own needs and sensitivities, ought to be cautious. You say you “don’t think she has any romantic feelings toward you,” so why is she encouraging this?
That’s where you need to be careful, even self-protective. You don’t know if she’s toying. You don’t know if this will amount to anything or if it’s more what you want to think, need to think, at a vulnerable time.
Best wishes, but try to think this through rationally.
Danger, flashing lights. She is in a committed relationship. You are on the outside. People are going to get hurt and trust will not survive. Either she is cultivating a move to you, playing with you because it makes her feel young and free, or developing deeper feelings for you with no intention of following through. None of these situations is good for you. Go hang with your single peers.