<p>Recently my DH and I found out that our 22 year old son is in a relationship with a 29 year old woman who is separated (still legally married) from her alcoholic husband, has two children, ages 6 and 7, is bipolar (currently unmedicated because of lack of insurance), works part time in a factory because she has a GED, no HS diploma and lives with her disoriented mother who is recovering from brain tumor surgery. She also is a smoker, sports several tattoos and has multiple piercings in each ear. (I realize I sound shallow here, but these things bother me). He has been seeing her for 5 months but did not tell us about the relationship until now because he knew we would disapprove just on the basis she is still married, not to mention the other factors. DS graduated from a college prep HS, is a full time student at a large public university and recently moved back home because he has a chronic medical condition. Because of his medical situation, he was out of school for a year and is now a junior but has not declared a major. He would like to become a physical therapist but I’m not sure he has the grades to be accepted in a graduate level program. </p>
<p>To be honest, we are very worried about him and also this relationship. He is desperate for us to meet her, get to know her better and include her in our family activities as well as to know her children who he is crazy about. He envisions himself getting married to her someday. (she also has had a tubal ligation so if they did marry, he would most likely not have any more children). IMO he sees himself as her knight in shining armor and loves the role of being the hero in her life. We are angry with him for being dishonest with us, very concerned about the children involved (if they break up it is another loss for these young kids), and are extremely wary of this whole situation. Our son is a lovable guy but not a very mature 22 year old. (On a positive note, he started counseling a few weeks ago at his request, maybe this will help him sort out all his feelings and decisions).</p>
<p>Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I welcome all wisdom and advice because we are losing sleep over this. I have always tried to be an open and accepting person but am ashamed to admit I am failing miserably with this new girlfriend.</p>
<p>Forget everything else about her and focus on this salient fact with your DS. This woman is someone else’s wife, so she’s not eligible, period, even if she were perfect in every other respect. Until she extricates herself from her marriage, she has nothing to offer to anyone.</p>
<p>IMHO it would be grossly inappropriate for you to be “open and accepting” about this situation by appearing to condone this relationship and cultivating an acquaintance with this young woman. I realize not everyone shares my views on this, but adultery, even if it’s only legal, is a fairly bright line.</p>
<p>Moreover, as someone who has dealt with unmedicated bi-polar acquaintances and friends, he’s in for some severe turmoil unless she is medicated and if necessary, is undergoing regular treatment with a licensed psychiatrist. </p>
<p>I ended up having to keep one unmedicated friend at some distance to regain a semblance of mental peace within myself…and I was merely a friend…not in a close romantic relationship. </p>
<p>Granted, part of this is due to my ENTJ personality which has serious issues dealing with emotional volatility and inexplicable sudden rage…especially when it arises from irrationality or paranoia.</p>
<p>I think your son gets perfectly well why you are worried about his new GF. He’s smitten, however, and there is not much one can do when these situations occur. That’s how many of us parents get introduced to the concept of prayers.</p>
<p>My husband cousin was in a situation like this, some 22 years ago. He was a year into college, struggling with an engineering major, met a woman 16 years his senior during his summer job, and became friendly with her as she included him in family outings. Her boys were in their teens, so he was closer to their ages than hers. She was divorced, however, and I don’t know the details of her situation beyond that, but our cousin chose not to return to school and moved in with her and her boys that fall. They were married shortly thereafter, and had a child very soon after that. Our aunt and uncle were so upset, ever so upset. Our cousin had been a good student in high school, and very little trouble. It shocked everyone in the family when all of this happened. </p>
<p>His daughter is now 19 years old, and a sophomore engineering major at the same college from which he dropped out, and the marriage has worked out. Sometimes these things do.</p>
<p>His brother who married a young woman so like himself that it was often said that they were clones of each other, has been divorced, after tumultuous years of marriage and much grief.</p>
<p>I have a lot of sympathy for you as my older kids have brought home SOs that were not particularly what I had in mind, to put things very, very nicely and gingerly.</p>
<p>All I can say, is that counseling is good. I suggest counseling for yourself and your spouse as well, for guidance on how to best handle this sort of thing. It’s not the sort of thing one can easily naviagate on one’s own. And lots of hugs to you.</p>
<p>You have a very caring son.
You can’t talk someone out of love or caring so get all the sleep you can. But sometimes you can point out gently some very salient points that ring true for them.
Focus on the needs of getting his OWN life in order (he’s 22), working on his OWN health, his OWN future. You can’t be strong for another if you’re not ready yourself.
Focus on the things that make a good relationship–trust (she’s still married), a BALANCED bond (is she using him to get away? a solution to her problems? a father for her kids? What does she give him?) How is associating with him changing HER to such an extent that life will be better for either of them? Are problems (current husband, kids, health issues, economic troubles magically disappearing?) What toll will it take on your life? With many years consequences.<br>
These are real emotional pullers of heart strings. Nobody is immune.
She sounds like she needs REAL help with her real life problems…he can’t save her no matter how much of a shining knight he is or how much he wants to. Other people better qualified need to do that.<br>
She could be the most fabulous person in the universe but your son can’t help her realistically and he needs to realize that so he give that part up.</p>
<p>My brother married a similar woman. Her children were the best thing that ever happened to my brother and our entire family. I know where you are coming from and I can see the pitfalls, but sometimes God’s greatest gifts come in unusual packaging. Here is my advice: conduct yourself with grace and kindness, bite your tongue when necessary, let things play out as they will, and never, EVER issue an ultimatum.</p>
<p>I think the OP’s instincts are correct - her son is mostly attracted to this woman because she makes him feel like a hero who is saving her from drowning in her problems. I’ve seen this scenario several times and, unfortunately, in every situation the “lifeguard” went down with the “drowning” if no extra outside help had been called for (counseling, addiction treatment, etc.)</p>
<p>Please tell him to don’t put too much faith into the TL, lots of “miracle babies” happen when couples don’t use protective birth control.
He should be using a condom at all times since she is just out of a marriage and STDs can still show up.</p>
<p>Wonderful son, raised by loving parents, reading and digesting too much of the Prince and Snow White & Sleeping Beauty. He’s a rescuer. Smile and nod. Emphasize that of course he must finish college and find a job so that he can support a family of 4.</p>
<p>Your son began therapy. The therapist won’t confront him initially, but will explore all aspects.</p>
<p>Try to relax and let time and maturity do their thing.</p>
<p>My DH thinks that dealing with the unmedicated bipolar condition will eventually put a great deal of stress on the relationship and hasten it’s demise. He may be right. DS did experiment with cocaine but is not using drugs now. (Unless you classify this new relationship as a new addiction). We are horrified he is dating a married woman, it is completely unacceptable to us. The only advantage to her being married (I can’t believe I am saying this) is that HE can’t marry her at this time. Originally my DH told him he would have to choose between staying here and going to school (paid for by us) or being with her. He said he would choose her. Because of his medical situation, we backed down. We are focusing on him and not criticizing her because truthfully we don’t know her. And prayer is our greatest tool. I’ve never prayed more in my life! He has gone from having a connection to his faith to believing that God created the world, walked away and is now a disinterested observer of what mankind is up to. Thank you fellow CC’ers for listening and offering your insights. It helps so much.</p>
<p>Bookworm is right. Smile and nod, encourage the college. If the tubes are tied, so much the better, though I agree that there should be still be caution. Miracle babies, and not quite the truth happens too often. If the relationship does work out, there can alternatives if more children are wanted in the picture.
I would need a road map and guidance as to what to say, how to act, so, yes, counseling would be in order for me and DH though doubt he’d go. </p>
<p>We want things so perfect and in certain ways for our children, but the reality often not that way. You just hope that it works out in the long run. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and there are stumbles and hard stretches along the way. Don’t let this sort of thing derail you in your own life and in the role as a parent to a young adult. </p>
<p>I want to share another story. 10 years ago, I told one of my sons, that a young woman was not welcome in the house. She was a drug user,sharer, and dealer. She was caught, and did some hard time–yes, it was that bad. But she’s truly turned her life around in the decade. She has her demons in check, and has a responsible job and has become a lovely young woman. </p>
<p>Plus, as I said earlier, our cousin has a good solid marriage for all the issues that were raised more than 20 years ago. </p>
<p>Even when things do go wrong, they can go back on track.</p>
<p>Dstark, I’ve known others in similar situations and worse. This isn’t as bad as it gets. It’s not ideal, and it will pain the parents greatly, but it can work out. But managing it is not for amateurs. You don’t lay out ultimatums without being willing to stick by them, and you have to be very careful as to where to draw the lines in such situations. That’s why a professional counselor should be in the picture for the parents as well as for the young man. You need a mine detector to have the best chances of getting through the mine field.</p>
<p>At 22, if he loves her, he is going to seek to be with her no matter what. While you have the right to stop paying for school, I think it’s counterproductive to be the morality police here. On the other hand, you do not need to convey approval of the relationship as it currently stands by agreeing to see the girlfriend and her children, including them in family events, etc. Your son is old enough to understand the difference between support for him as a person and approval of his actions. I think it is wise not to criticize her as a person because it will only provoke a protective reaction. I am more bothered by the fact that she is not divorced yet than by anything else. In other words, it’s not her character but her status. I don’t have a son but I surely have known of young women who got involved with married men who were estranged from their wives. Somehow, the anticipated divorce never seems to happen. Your son’s “girlfriend” (I’m not even sure what to call her, as their relationship has no socially acceptable definition) may never get around to divorcing her husband.</p>
<p>I can’t believe all this moralistic outrage. She is separated, not living with her estranged husband. It is acceptable in modern society to have another relationship under these circumstances. The correct and normal word for her is indeed girlfriend.</p>
<p>If she was divorced, but had all these other problems, there would be a problem with the son’s relationship. If she was separated, but 22, no kids and was the picture of perfect mental health, it would be a no big deal.</p>
<p>Focusing on the lack of divorce is a big mistake, because if she gets a divorce next week, are you really going to feel any better?</p>
<p>The unmedicated bipolar is really the minefield. I almost wish she’d buy herself one doctor’s visit out-of-pocket, and get some kind of medicine to start. But that’s not good medical care, either, without follow-up visits. The prescribed meds might be affordable if only she didn’t smoke. I don’t blame you for feeling badly about this GF. Her priorities are askew. Has she started asking him for money yet? </p>
<p>I think all you can do is help your son notice and agree he’s found quite a needful and wounded bird, and ask him to watch for signs within himself that she is draining his energy from him. Maybe that will empower him to watch out for his own self-interest a bit. While you can’t block the relationship today, you might advise him strongly not to do anything that pulls him into any form of commitment to her. And then all you can do is give it time, and hope it unravels itself.</p>
<p>I am in the camp of not alienating your son. I suspect the relationship will not last, but if it does I assume you will want to part of his life. As already mentioned it is a good thing she is still married and unable to marry your son right now. I would be respectful to her and her kids despite the fact that she may (or not) be using your son. Your son loves her (or thinks he does) and you need to treat his friends and lovers as you expect him to treat yours, even when they would not be your choice.</p>
<p>The title of the thread implies that your son does not understand your worries, but his actions seem to indicate that he does. And in reality, you really can’t do anything to change his feelings for his girlfriend - all you can control (or at least affect) is the quality of your relationship with him.</p>
<p>So put me in the do-no-alienate-your son camp. Be observant and symapthetic without signaling approval. It’s better that he sees you as a sounding board rather than a judge. Easier said than done, I know - good luck.</p>