My Son doesn't get why I'm worried about his new GF

Parent Cafe
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<p>Ahem. I met my H when he was separated from his first wife after a very brief marriage, which was annulled not long thereafter. (No children.) I was unaware of it at first.</p>

<p>I don’t blame you for being worried, but I agree with encouraging him to stay in school and with this:</p>

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<p>No ultimatums. And frankly, I would say it is better not to remind him of the negative effect his departure may have on the kids, since it might make him feel more obligated to remain with the mother, no matter what. It is also true, according to what I’ve been told by the parents of bipolar Ds, that when their Ds are “high,” they are extremely attractive to the opposite sex: high-energy, charming, and so on. Not so when they crash. He may not have experienced her in a low yet. :frowning: </p>

<p>Best case scenario: perhaps they help stabilize each other, he finishes school, she quits smoking and gets on meds, everyone loves the kids, all works out okay, although I would not minimize the long term challenges they would face. I’m sorry for all involved, especially the kids.</p>

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This is EXACTLY what happened with my brother. My mother laid down the law about the kids and my brother felt obligated to get married. He is an amazing father, the “kids” are a gift, but it has never been clear that this would have been a permanent relationship absent my mother’s intervention. And my mother knows that.</p>

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<p>My brother married a bipolar woman. Fun girlfriend, lousy wife.</p>

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<p>If your son is engaged in good quality, consistent therapy, that frees you up to be as supportive as possible about building up the constructive aspects of his young adult life. Part of these situations is to not dwell only on the negative aspects (especially when she is a heart throb), but to focus on the pursuit of goals relevant to him at his phase of life. Bringing your best self to table is always a good idea. That can also help reduce the complexities of saving face after one has dug themselves in deeper in response to the challenges of others. Best to all.</p>

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<p>Oh wow. Bi polar with no access to medication because of lack of insurance, and living with her mother who has brain tumors. And two kids. And an alcoholic husband? She has a lot on her plate. I feel for her. And your son wants to take all this on? I strongly suspect he has no idea what he is getting in to. Is he attracted to drama? I feel for all of you. Of course you are worried that he is getting in over his head with this. No advice. Just sympathy.</p>

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<p>I would have to be gently honest with my son and say that I simply am not ready for a relationship with her at this time. Let him chew on that.</p>

<p>We had certain reservations when our son first told of his relationship. He was 28 when they started dating and totally an adult who can and will do what he wants. We simply pointed out things to think of and be sure of and this was before we ever even met her. We were just straightforward and unjudgemental, just wanted him to be sure. As it is, she is a lovely person and I love her and he is completely crazy in love with her and all is well.
I …wonder how on earth she is managing with being unmedicated for such a long stretch. Has he seen either extreme yet? If now, it will be shocking and confusing for him probably and perhaps eye-opening.</p>

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<p>She is separated, not living with her estranged husband. It is acceptable in modern society to have another relationship under these circumstances. The correct and normal word for her is indeed girlfriend.</p>

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<p>It may be “acceptable” but it is what it is…she is still married.<br>
Wouldn’t this mean he could be named as a respondent in a divorce on the grounds of adultery?</p>

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<p>Who says that is acceptable in modern society? I would never be okay with my kids dating someone married.</p>

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<p>Good question. It’s certainly not considered acceptable in my neck of the woods/social circles…and I have many friends who are extremely radical and progressive socially and politically. </p>

<p>Common idea I kept hearing even from the latter is someone should get out of the relationship/divorce first before entering into another one.</p>

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<p>Yeah, I don’t think it’s acceptable either. But unthinking people do it, seeming to equate being separated with being free. Some people seem not to get it, that marriage is for real, a real binding contract requiring a court decision to undo. It’s not the same as a simple break up.</p>

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<p>My s-i-l is bipolar, on and off meds for years. Also have a couple friends who married spouses with mental illness (both friends were not aware of illness at marriage, spouse/spouses’ families hid info. from them). If it were my son, my advice would be: RUN.
I realize not all mental illnesses are the same, but s-i-l is a mess when she is not on meds–currently thinks she doesn’t need them. She has caused her family a lot of very serious trouble over the years. I’m thankful that she never married/never had children. As for the friends, their spouse’s illnesses have made their lives a living hell.</p>

<p>Although I don’t like the idea of moving in with someone before marriage–let alone before the divorce is final–the fact that GF is bipolar is the much more serious issue, imo.</p>

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<p>While completely sharing your worries, OP, I think I would focus on keeping my relationship with my son open, continue to pay for school, be willing to meet the GF and be pleasant to her while lovingly (but lightly) sharing my concerns, and wait and watch while this all plays out. The good news, as you state, is she is not legally available for marriage, and it doesn’t sound as if she has it together enough to get the divorce. Her H probably isn’t in a rush either, because he’d be on the hook for child support. So there is some protection in that arena. And he is unlikely to leave a comfy home if you are continuing to pay for school. My line would be, if he moves out, the tuition train stops.</p>

<p>I think that concerns are shared more effectively in the form of questions, e.g., “What’s it like for (GF) to not have access to meds? How does that affect her?”, etc. Keep these questions rare and light so he doesn’t feel railroaded. </p>

<p>If she’s truly bipolar, reality will slap your son in the face soon enough. And if you’ve kept the communication lines open between yourselves and your son, he will be more open to talking it over with you and seeing that she may not be the best match. This realization needs to come from him, or you will push him towards her.</p>

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<p>Tell him that women will come and go, but child support lasts for 18 years.</p>

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<p>Where is the children’s alcoholic father (her husband) located? That man may object to your son’s involvement and access to his two children. He or his friends might threaten your son, which he ought to take seriously if that occurs.</p>

<p>I’m not saying that to add to your worries. I think it’s an idea to introduce to your son, just so that he is alert to the possibility. “What kind of guy is her husband? Does he know about all this? What do you think will be his reaction when he finds out? You don’t have to answer me, son, just think about it.”</p>

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<p>Thanks for all your thoughtful posts. I find it very helpful to read your reactions to this, at least for me, completely out of control situation. Just to clarify - we are extremely unhappy he is dating someone who is still married. To us it is wrong, period. The husband knows about the relationship and is ok with it. He works at a pizza parlor and lives in his car, very rarely see his kids. Refuses help or going to AA. </p>

<p>Here is how today went: This morning my son asked me if I would step out for a short time because the GF was angry about something and coming over to our house to rant. He did not want me to see her that way. I did as he asked. Later that day she and her mother got into a fight, it got physical and in the tussle her hand got hurt and is possibly broken. The mother kicked the daughter out along with the grandkids. She refuses to go to the hospital. DH made her a splint and wrapped it. My son asked if he could bring her and the children over because they had no place to go and nothing to eat. It was getting late, I did not know of a women’s shelter they could go to, so they came over here and we fed them dinner. The children could not be cuter or sweeter, a boy 6 and a girl 7. They happily played with legos. She is the saddest, most pitiful creature and is constantly tearing up. It’s very sad. My son helps with the kids, and tries to do all he can to comfort her. As insane as this situation is, I am proud of him for being so kind and tender to someone who is hurting. He has not always been the most sensitive person growing up, so it is nice to see his caring personality. I do wonder what she would be like if she did have her medication? As I type this, the kids are tucked in bed in our guest room and she will be sleeping with them. I have gone from “I don’t want to meet her” to having her as a guest in our home. You just can’t make this stuff up. </p>

<p>We are keeping the relationship with our son open and are not criticizing her at all. He is ecstatic we were open to meeting her and her children. We couldn’t refuse - they had no where to go. This has been a crazy day for sure.</p>

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<p>Somebody should pay for some medical treatment.</p>

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<p>I feel for everyone especially the children. I have no answers only sympathy. God Bless,</p>

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Do you have a Crisis Services anonymous phone hotline to call in your community? They might advise her where to sleep tomorrow so everyone is safe. You can call and describe the situation to get advice, because basically now you have a crisis happening.</p>

<p>She doesn’t have to get onto the phone unless she wants to, although if she’s open to it, that’s better. But you can initiate the phone call, in her presence or without her.</p>

<p>ETA: And I hate to say this, but don’t leave your purse or anything lying around tonight if she’s sleeping over. She might be honest and honorable, but you still don’t want to tempt her. You can take care of this aspect without saying anything to your son. It’s just common sense. I’ve seen some of these situations, and you want to prevent more chaos and commotion; there’s already enough. You’ve had a mighty hard day.</p>

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<p>Strongly agreed. As it is, you have bent way over backwards to accommodate your son as by allowing GF and her kids to stay in your house. </p>

<p>Be careful as you may be setting yourself up to be sucked further into the bi-polar GF’s psychological issues and create a possible squatter situation which’ll require you to go through the aggravation of eviction proceedings in the midst of emotional baggage from son guilt-tripping you…even if it’s not deliberate on his part.</p>

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<p>I’m hesitant to jump in here since there’s a lot of judging going on, but-one of my dearest friends is bipolar. She also has a GED because she spent her HS years in and out of hospitals. It’s not that she isn’t bright and has no ambition, she just had a very difficult time as a teen and graduating and going to a top tier school just wasn’t in the cards. That has limited her employability of course, and, hand-in-hand with THAT, her insurance access. So she’s not always on her meds. She knows that’s not ideal, but her family won’t really help since they see her mental illness as a character flaw.</p>

<p>It sounds like this woman is trying to do the best she can for her kids-I wouldn’t want MY kids living in a car with an alcoholic either. It doesn’t sound at all like she’s sneaking around on a good, stable, guy who deserves better. Unlike those of us who are free of mental illness, well-educated, well-fed and with large houses to live in, those who live in such difficult situations don’t always make the A-Z path but maybe date before a divorce, etc. </p>

<p>The church I work for partners with a couple of organizations who work to find housing for people like this woman. One provides temporary housing for them and their kids, gets them into classes for job training, therapy, and helps them get Medicaid or whatever for their medication. The therapy is free, as are provisions they can use. They are given these things with the understanding that they attend certain classes and follow rules. It sounds ideal for this person. I can give the name to the OP if you’d like-you could call them and get the name of some place similar that is local to you.</p>

<p>My friend is the sweetest person you could imagine. But friendship with her isn’t always pretty. I’ve learned when to back away and when she’s stable, what can happen when. It’s not character flaw that she’s like this. I value her for who she is and realize the limitations. But she tries to stay in a position to manage her illness. That’s really the most important thing here with the OP’s son’s friend. </p>

<p>If she doesn’t want help, you can’t force it on her, nor can your son. But she might be receptive to some places to call-it’s possible that until recently she WAS doing ok. A broken marriage and homelessness will upset the staus quo-she may have HAS access to insurance or meds until not long ago. These people don’t WANT to be off-kilter. I have a list next to my desk at work with the resource numbers to call that I give to the weekly callers in similar situations. You’d be surprised how many of them had happy, intact homes until not long ago. It’s not about being MARRIED, it’s about the lack of affordable health care, housing and resources.</p>

<p>Good luck to your S and his friends, OP. And you’re good to give them a place to sleep, even for the one night.</p>