<p>baseballmom - It’s great to hear the good news. Do the bathroom ! When you son come home at Thanksgiving, there is a brand new bathroom for him !</p>
<p>I wanted to bump this thread up. For all you experienced preparents out there: When does it start to get better for new students? I don’t know how much more of this worrying I can take (I have no friends, no body cares about me, I don’t like the food…yadayadayada) When do they start to turn the corner and start enjoying school? Or do they only call you when they’re bummed out? This has been about the longest two months of my life!</p>
<p>annebelle, speak to your childs advisor. You may get a whole new perspective and reassurance.</p>
<p>Agree with prepparent. And when you’re speaking with your child, don’t let him/her use you as the negativity sounding board. You’re not at the school and you’re in no position to take sides. Tell your child to share those thoughts with someone at school, too. (If it’s legit, they’ll hopefully do that. But if they’re exaggerating or testing you in some way, they’re not going to file a grievance over something that’s contrived and would quickly be uncovered by someone who is at the school.)</p>
<p>If you encourage whining/complaining by reinforcing it in any number of ways (such as taking sides, for starters), then you have no reason to expect it will ever stop.</p>
<p>Here are some other thoughts I had on this point earlier in this thread: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/1061231121-post8.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/1061231121-post8.html</a></p>
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<p>Finally, your end of a phone call should sound something along the lines of this: </p>
<p>Hello! I was on the school web site and it sounds like this is a busy week for your [grade/sports team/etc.]<a href=“Seize%20control%20of%20the%20tone%20of%20the%20call%20ESPECIALLY%20if%20you%20anticipate%20it%20will%20be%20negative.%20It%20will%20come%20around%20to%20that,%20so%20start%20off%20with%20a%20positive%20thought%20and%20always%20be%20prepared%20with%20an%20upbeat%20thought%20to%20interject%20as%20soon%20as%20you%20hear%20your%20child’s%20voice.”>I</a>*</p>
<p>Oh?</p>
<p>Yes. I see.</p>
<p>No, that doesn’t sound good. So you told someone at school about this before calling me about it, right?</p>
<p>Why not?</p>
<p>Well, they’re the ones who can help.</p>
<p>Don’t be silly! Of course I love to hear from you! In fact, I’d love for you to tell me how you think you can fix this situation.</p>
<p>Uh-huh.</p>
<p>Oh, I see.</p>
<p>Then it sounds like you’ve got to take some steps to make things better for yourself.</p>
<p>No, I can’t do that. That’s for you to do. But I can help you brainstorm some ways for YOU to handle this.</p>
<p>Okay, but can you also find someone there to run these ideas by? I have no idea if they make sense because I don’t live there.</p>
<p>That’s a good idea. At least it sounds good. But what do I know?</p>
<p>Oh, that sounds complicated to me. I’d ask an adult there before doing that.</p>
<p>Those are some good ideas you have. So, is that your plan? You’re going to do all of those things?</p>
<p>When do you plan on doing them?</p>
<p>Well, give me a call after you’ve done these things. I look forward to hearing how you get this resolved!</p>
<p>END RESULT: You’ve left the matter in your child’s hands and directed him/her to adults who are better equipped than you to assist him/her.</p>
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<p>Your calls should NOT go like this:</p>
<p>Oh, I was afraid you’d call. Is that still going badly?</p>
<p>It is?!?! That just infuriates me!</p>
<p>And I bet he’s getting away with it, too.</p>
<p>I need to talk to someone about this. Who can I call?</p>
<p>Okay, here’s what I’m going to do.</p>
<p>I can’t believe this! Is this affecting your grades?</p>
<p>No way! I’m spending all this money for this? Unbelievable.</p>
<p>That was uncalled for. I hope someone noticed.</p>
<p>Oh, I am sooooo sorry about this.</p>
<p>Let me send you some extra money so you can get out of that place and go on the trip to the mall this weekend. You need a break from that nonsense.</p>
<p>Well, you hang in there. I’m thinking of you and behind you 100%! Just let me know what I can do, hon.</p>
<p>Call me again this evening so we can talk more about this…Bye!</p>
<p>END RESULT: This is now your problem. Possibly entirely yours. And once it’s yours, it will remain yours. You’ve been pwned (as a former poster here would say).</p>
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<p>I think there are some good ideas just above. However, in the “don’t do this” conversation, I think there are a couple of things that the child may need to hear anyway. I think the child should feel that the parents are behind his or her 100%. This doesn’t mean that anything goes behaviorwise, but that the love is unconditional. I think most of us have been manipulated by the kids at one time or another into calling an administrator regarding a complaint, and we have later regretted it.</p>
<p>We always try to formulate our ideas in writing, and then sleep on it (literally) in the rare event that we feel intervention is needed in the educational process. Usually, less is more in these types of things, and after a bit of distance, you may decide differently than after an emotional phone call, etc.</p>
<p>Absolutely correct, anothermom2! I struggled with how to work that in without sending conflicting signals. One small way to do this is to be positive and use positive sounding words when telling the child to go elsewhere for practical adult assistance.</p>
<p>The key is to make sure that your child understands that your love is truly unconditional. We tend to think of “unconditional love” as “the kind of love that will come even when the child does wrong.” And that’s correct, but it also means “the kind of love that will come when the child does right.” In other words, don’t let your child’s unresolved situation become the trigger for dispensing love. Otherwise s/he’ll keep pulling the trigger. </p>
<p>Make sure that your child understands that there’s no special reward or high-octane love that flows when s/he gets caught up in a jam. The best way to do that is not in the context of those phone calls. The best way to let your child know that your love is truly unconditional is to send those positive vibes and expressions of love and support even when there’s nothing going awry. That way, when you show your unqualified support during the tough times, it’s not like you’re giving him or her a Scooby Snack.</p>
<p>This is all very good and helpful advice, but my question is; What degree of homesickness and negativity are normal for a 14 or 15 year old boy and how long do we parents give it before thinking “We have made a huge mistake. My child isn’t ready for boarding school yet, or we chose the wrong school for him.” Do we give it until Christmas break or even longer?</p>
<p>IMO, Christmas break at the very minimum. I know of boys who’ve hated BS most of their first year and were quite happy after that. You don’t re-up for another year until Spring so I personally would wait until then. </p>
<p>Is he calling home nightly? What interests does your son have? Is he joining clubs that interest him to meet people? Is he making an effort to not be holed up in his dorm room?</p>
<p>Unfortunately, your son had a very rough start with the roommate situation which may make his adjustment process longer than normal.</p>
<p>Annebelle, </p>
<p>Not sure any of us can really answer that question better than you because you are the expert on your son. For example, we know from years of living with prpdd, jr. that we’re most likely to hear from him when he’d had a tough day and that he tends to unload on us. I think he hangs up the phone generally feeling better because he’s got these things off his chest and it’s his parents who then spend the next week worrying. In fact, we have definitely noticed that whenever we call him he seems to be pretty happy, and it’s only when he calls us (which can be pretty infrequently) that he’s had a tough day.</p>
<p>Also, you need to really find out why your son is unhappy. A lot of kids complain that “no one likes me; no one understands me, I don’t have a best friend”. But if in talking with him it sounds like he has a group of people he hangs out with it’s probably nothing to worry about. If he has these complaints and really seems to be ostracized and alone you obviously have a more serious problem - particularly if this situation hasn’t changed by the middle of the year.</p>
<p>Also, is the problem something that’s likely to change? If he’s generally pretty happy, except that he and his roommate don’t get along, that’s a problem that will to away at the end of the year. If it’s more of a situation that he really misses home, and feels like he doesn’t fit in with anyone - that may be tougher problem.</p>
<p>Ultimately, the best person to speak with is your son’s advisor/dorm parent. He should have a pretty good idea of how well your son is fitting in. Also, as someone who sees and deals with a lot of boys and knows the school well, he is in a good position to let you know whether this school may not be a good match for your son. Finally, is also in the best position to watch this situation going forward, and maybe help your son fit in better.</p>
<p>Hope this helps.</p>
<p>Annebelle, I would advise you to wait until Christmas break, at least. The only exception to that would be if your son’s advisor/dorm parent were seriously alarmed.</p>
<p>The posters on this site are very enthusiastic about boarding school. However, the median attrition at boarding schools is 9.3% (from NAIS Facts-at-a-glance.) That is to say, although many kids find their feet after an unhappy start, some kids discover that it’s a bad fit for them.</p>
<p>Periwinkle is right. Not every cry for help is a false positive.</p>
<p>But if you set a timetable, don’t clue your child onto that. If you want to give this a fair chance, s/he can’t have enough information or insight into your intentions so that s/he can “game” the result.</p>
<p>And if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. It’s not like there’s failure in embarking down this path, giving it a shot, and having your child learn more about himself. It’s all about “fit” and figuring it out. Just remember that high school is rarely a ready-to-wear off the rack experience for anyone. Don’t give up prematurely simply because there’s that option. </p>
<p>Full disclosure: I’m biased towards you finding that ever-mystiical “fit” at BS because I was similarly distressed when my S started out (in his case during a residential summer program and even for some time at BS afterwards). I know firsthand that it’s possible for the parental anxiety to drag on and then still have your child take wing and soar. I’m also cognizant that my experience isn’t universal. I just want to let you know that believing it will still work out at this point is a realistic belief and not a pipe dream. I’ll also be up front and let you know that to see that through isn’t going to be easy. And you’ll have to put lots of faith in the adults at the school and lose sleep and be firm with your child…as the second you define an exit path, that will likely be the one that’s chosen. Whatever you do, play that card close to your vest.</p>
<p>D’yer Maker good advice (the phone call). My son is at the same school as Annabelle’s and went through identical problems the first year. For him it took ALL YEAR and finally when we gave in the following summer, after endless endless endless discussions, and agreed he could withdraw, he changed his mind! He stayed. He is in his third year, loves it and is glad he stayed. I suspect that when he finally had control, deliberated on the choices, life was not as bad as he thought.</p>
<p>BUT, he swore he would never change his mind, it was a terrible mistake, we were destroying his life… I wanted to give in. We visited, he stayed in our hotel room, we brought him home, sent cookies, and talked until we could no longer talk. My wife wanted to stand firm, and we both fought over what to do. But the school is a truly amazing place, with limitless opportunities, and in hindsight my wife was right. My son, when he did change his mind, claimed it was simply “Stockholm Syndrome”. The advisors, other parents and the school psychologist can also help in a situation like this.</p>
<p>Update from me, the OP: Son HAS friends, and best of all, a new roommate! He seems to have turned the corner and is enjoying himself while working hard on his schoolwork.</p>
<p>There were times I never thought this day would come and I was dreading the Thanksgiving break and the “I don’t want to go back” discussion.</p>
<p>You need to email me baseballmom!!!</p>
<p>baseballmom: That’s great news! I’m sure you’re kvelling over it. I’m wondering, if you’re inclined to share, what things you did as a parent to help reach this place. And, to complete the picture, what are the things that were left to resolve themselves and what things did the school do to advance the ball to this point? I’m sure that, at least on an anecdotal level, you can define what things the student, school and parent each do best in negotiating these kinds of trying situations.</p>
<p>Sure D’yer…for one, we have some experience with this. Our D was extremely homesick years ago. It lasted for 3 weeks and ended when she was told that her behavior was embarassing us. Her response was to not call us for a week and after that we were lucky to get a once per week phone call (pre cell phone days).</p>
<p>Fast forward to son. Completely different kid. He was homesick but never said so. He was miserable socially and was bullied for weeks before telling us. Once that was straightened out entirely by the school and the bullies were appropriately disciplined, things improved slightly.</p>
<p>Son was calling us 4 to 8 times per day with variants of “i have no friends, nothing to do, food stinks, it’s boring, etc.” The relationship with his roommate was tolerable but they had agreed that they did not like each other and both wanted a switch.</p>
<p>The ultimate success was a combination of two things:</p>
<p>Firstly, H told son to stop calling us with every little complaint and figure things out for himself. That resulted in an almost immediate reduction in daily calls from about 6-8 to 2-3.</p>
<p>Secondly, we sent a clear message to the administration that we felt our son had been through enough and asked them to work on the roommate switch project. This request was made several times on the phone, but the firmest and clearest request for the switch was put in an email with a detailed list of the problems son had endured. This was worded NOT as a complaint, but as a reminder that it would remain a major problem for our son until it was remedied. After sending the email, we never contacted the school about the need for a room switch. We were patient and it took about 2 weeks. Previous to the email H was in almost daily contact with the school leaving voice mail messages and talking to various people in the administration. </p>
<p>Since the roommate switch (Saturday), son has called 3 times, once on Saturday and twice yesterday. Now H is wondering what is going on and keeps calling my son! :)</p>
<p>There is a third aspect to the solution that I neglected to mention. We talked to son quite a bit about how to make friends and that he had to make an effort to get out of his dorm room when he had free time even if it just meant walking over to the student center to get a snack. He had gotten into a habit of calling us every time he returned to his room and would say he was doing nothing and had a free period, an hour before the game, nothing to do that night, etc. </p>
<p>We told him he would never make friends if he went right back to his room and called us and that he had to make an effort to be sociable.</p>
<p>How was the rm switch made? </p>
<p>I ask because we went through an interesting situation a few years ago.
S and his first year roommate got along fine (they went to same college, and have remained friends). Down the hall were two boys who hated each other from day one. S and RM had the idea of switching as the bad relationship was affecting the whole house. They approached dorm head, and the switch was made. We didn’t even know until we showed up one weekend.</p>
<p>We were pleased that son and rm showed some initiative – and we discovered later that the two boys who hated each other became fast friends by their junior year. </p>
<p>Anyway, did the school find two roommates willing to switch, give S’s roommate a single or what. Did school give a reason for not acting sooner?</p>
<p>As a parent who’s son also had a roommate switch I can tell you how it happened in our case. The advisor sent out an email to other advisors to see if they had anyone who might be having some problems or be willing to switch. I guess there was another pair in the same dorm - we were not told if they were having trouble, but from there the 4 boys got together and agreed to the switch.</p>
<p>FIF: The adviser took it on as a project. I’m not exactly sure how it was handled internally, but the end result was a triple switch involving 6 boys in 3 doubles. I’m sure the boys had a hand in who went where, but I know all parents had to agree on who their kid roomed with. We had previously approved of the idea of our son rooming with his new roommate, so we didn’t know the switch was on until everyone was packed and our son told us. There was jubilation in the house!!!</p>