My UC application essay.Give me some advise. Thank you!

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<p>Although six years have passed, I still remember the moment like it was yesterday. The first time I saw grandfather Lee, I was just a young student attending junior high in China. Skinny, humpbacked, and with his blind eyes closed, he sat squatting in the doorstep head down and speechless.After ten minutes, he says:“ my house is small, cannot sit many people, and has nothing entertaining to do.”</p>

<p>The house was darn, I wanted to open the lamp,but could’t find the cable.Then I realized that the house didn’t have a lamp because grandfather Lee didn’t need one. He had been blind for many years. Suddenly, I had a clear vision of what it meant to be “distressed.”</p>

<p>This is grandfather Lee. An elderly man now the focus of the third batch of junior high school student. I am just one of fifty who has been assigned to take care of him.</p>

<p>Seniors have told us, since the beginning of 1999, that the students in our school began a spontaneous organization to take care of grandfather Lee. Since then, every batch of seventh grade students who started here have taken on this responsibility, then passing this honor to new students before graduating from school. It has been over nine years now. The total number of students number as many as five hundred.</p>

<p>Elderly man told us that nine years ago, he has not feeling lonely because there are more that 500 pieces of warm heart to accompany him. Our arrival brought a lot of joy to him. In fact, for us, his dependence and like make us satisfaction,too. Maybe, this is a “need” and “needed” happiness. Don’t know why, every time go to see grandfather Lee, almost always rains. Thus, there classmate joked.” It seems that even god touched!”</p>

<p>Before coming to the U.S, i was in charge of the next session to care for grandfather Lee. When elderly man knew I need to leave China, and this session student graduate high school, his eyes became red. He had hard time talking to me.He said:” you have grown up and sensible. Study hard and make progress everyday,don’t let your father worry about you.” The grandfather Lee always mentions my father to show his love.</p>

<p>In fact, more that 500 names, elderly man not able to remember all the name,and each time will have new faces appears. But more than five hundred people, for him, the meaning is special. It is not a number, it is warm, happiness and love.</p>

<p>From 1999 to 2008, it has been nine years. I really hope when I go to the college, I can go back China to visit grandfather Lee. Until today, I still remember, grandfather Lee once said:“I do not have any children,but you are like a child to me.I believe there will be more the five hundred people’s kindness, and more and more goodness in the grandfather Lee’s life.</p>

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<p>After ten minutes, he says
^ tense switch–you were in past tense</p>

<p>The house was darn,
^ You should have proofread this</p>

<p>The house was darn, I wanted to open the lamp,but could’t find the cable.
^ This is a run-on sentence, you spelled “couldn’t” incorrectly, and the spacing around your commas and periods is off.</p>

<p>“distressed.”
^ ???</p>

<p>An elderly man now the focus of the third batch of junior high school student
^ Fragment, and *students</p>

<p>The total number of students number as many as five hundred.
^ You said “number” twice</p>

<p>Elderly man told us that nine years ago, he has not feeling lonely because there are more that 500 pieces of warm heart to accompany him.
^ *The elderly man
*he has not felt lonely
*more than
*500 warm hearts</p>

<p>and like make us satisfaction,too.
^ This doesn’t make sense.</p>

<p>Don’t know why, every time go to see grandfather Lee, almost always rains.
^ You seem to have a pretty tenuous grasp of English. This isn’t a sentence…
*I don’t know why, but every time we went to see Grandfather Lee, it almost always rained.</p>

<p>Thus, there classmate joked.” It seems that even god touched!”
^ I have no idea what you’re trying to say.</p>

<p>i was in charge
^ Capitalize “I”</p>

<p>When elderly man knew I need to leave China, and this session student graduate high school,
^ *the elderly man
*needed
The second clause doesn’t make sense</p>

<p>He had hard time
^ He had a hard time</p>

<p>The grandfather Lee always mentions my father to show his love.
^ Don’t need “the” here</p>

<p>In fact, more that 500 names, elderly man not able to remember all the name,and each time will have new faces appears
^ Doesn’t make sense</p>

<p>I really hope when I go to the college
^ Don’t need “the”</p>

<p>“I do not have any children,but you are like a child to me.
^ You never ended this quote</p>

<p>I believe there will be more the five hundred people’s kindness
^ Doesn’t make sense</p>

<p>This is all very well and good, but a college essay is supposed to be about YOU. Grandfather Lee is not the person who wants to go to college here; YOU are. Tell us about YOU, not about somebody you helped once. This topic could work if you a) get someone to help you with your English; b) learn how to format spacing correctly; c) talk less about things Grandfather Lee said and more about how he affected you and what you are going to do with his teachings.</p>

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<p>Don’t use google translate to edit your essays. Take the TOEFL to see if you will even qualify to enter our US schools.</p>