As I am writing writing this, it is thankfully several hours later. I have been through situations like this before, plenty of them, unfortunately. I went to get some groceries of my own, certain items of my own preference, fruits and vegetables. Afterwards I went for a bike ride for a little while and had some drinks at a bar(I am 22 years old, yes it IS illegal for me to do so!) To get on to it, this obviously caused me to be a bit later than usual, and my mother just completely SNAPPED, as she has done before, and it escalated into an unpleasant confrontation. My question is, am I right to think such a response is unreasonable?
It depends. Did you have plans with her? Does she ask for communication when you are going to be late? I have a 20 year old living at home and we do have a hard time communicating our expectations.
No, I did not have any plans with her, had this been the case, I most absolutely would have hurried home to be there in time. At he moment, I don’t have a mobile phone, my mother is aware of this, and also that I like to go out after going for groceries, and that it’s possible I could be home a little later.
Well, if someone I was living with - child, spouse, regardless of age - left the house with the intention of a quick shopping trip and then was gone for many hours, I would be worried and concerned about them and that worry would cause me to be a bit POed when they finally showed up. Moms worry. I think its just courtesy to let folks you are living with know if your plans are changed. It’s likely that if you left the house and told her you’d be gone for 4-5 hours, she wouldn’t have given you grief.
4-5 hours doesn’t even come close to the amount of time I was gone, an amount of time I am usually gone for anyway.
4-5 hours is not at all as long as I was gone, 3 hours, at an absolute max!
Does she pay the mortgage? Was she expecting you for a meal or something? Get a cheap pay as you go phone and keep her in the loop if you change your plans and will be late. Or pay for your own place where you can come and go as you like.
Two words: move out.
If you want to be treated like an adult, then act like an adult. That includes exercising the basic, common courtesy of communicating to your parents that you’re going to be out a bit later if they have the reasonable expectation that you’re just out briefly to pick up a few groceries. If you don’t have a phone, then get one.
If you don’t want the hassle of dealing with accommodating your parents’ feelings, then don’t live with them. You’re 22 years old!!! Being supported by parents comes with strings attached. If you don’t like it, then move out. At 22, I was poor but entirely self-supporting.
And why, in particular, are you posting this on the Prep School Parents thread?
I have to say this thread makes me wonder if it is just a story.
Did you mean to say legal, viv-a-vis the drinking age, or was illegal correct and you are saying you went over the limit and were DUI on your bicycle, which I can only assume is a violation. I am also assuming “bike ride” means bicycle, since no one I know would refer to a motorcycle trip that way. I also wonder about stopping for drinks with bags of fresh produce in the summer. And the third red flag, for me at least, is not having any kind of mobile phone. That would put you in a distinct minority in general, and a minuscule subset for people using this website.
Would be curious to see all of that explained. It could be reasonable, of course, but in sum seem odd, at least to me.
Maybe the OP’s “own preference” is canned. :^o
I’d guess the OP meant legal. Just a typo/mindslip.
Why was your mom angry? What did she snap about?
Is there a reason you’re still living at home? Are you and your mom bill sharing or is it all on her dime?
I don’t know why I read it as OP went grocery shopping, dropped the groceries off then went for a bike ride, which would have been perfectly reasonable.
I wonder if OP’s mom was mad that OP went to a bar in the middle of day when he/she had said he/she was going for a bike ride.
D2 is living at home while working for 2 years. We had some adjustments to make initially. I “flipped out” few weeks ago when she was out much later than I expected and she wasn’t answering my text. After we talked it over, we decided in the future she would text me at midnight to let me know she was alive and when she was coming back, so if I were to wake up in the night I could just read her text.
My first assumption was that the OP did go to ride a motorcycle. Therefore, the groceries could have been put into a saddle bag. My H has been riding since he was 16 and 4 our of my 5 kids have licenses as well and so do several of their friends. They all refer to it as bike riding. When they take out their bicycles, they say they are riding the bicycle. Bike refers to motorcycle.
I also was unclear on the illegal v. legal comment and if the OP made a typo. They happen quite often…
As for the core issue, if this is something the OP does frequently - go for a short errand and then add a long bike ride, s/he should say to mom that they are going shopping but may also hang out before coming home and don’t worry if I am not back until x time. As a parent, I expect my children to let me know in general terms when they expect to be home. I also give my kids the same courtesy. When I go out, I try to give them a general estimate of when I expect to be back.
The OP should consider getting a go phone of some sort. This way, s/he could reach mom and avoid the arguments that they seem to be having. Moving out seems a bit extreme if this is one of only a few issues with the mom.
Probably not a good idea to be riding a bike after a “few drinks” at a bar.
“Well, if someone I was living with - child, spouse, regardless of age - left the house with the intention of a quick shopping trip and then was gone for many hours, I would be worried and concerned about them and that worry would cause me to be a bit POed when they finally showed up.”
Me too. My 24 yo son is now living at home looking for jobs and applying to grad school, and he leaves us a note on the kitchen table with his (general) whereabouts for the day so we don’t worry. It’s common courtesy when you live with someone.
Not enough info provided for us to either support you or your mom. How many drinks? Do you drink often - is she worried about that? Were you riding your bike home in the dark? On a busy road after drinking? Did you not put your groceries away when you got home initially? What did she “snap” about?
It’s always interesting, independence. At 22 you certainly are old enough to be independent. But we don’t know your circumstances. And, more importantly, when you are living in a family unit home there is a certain amount of respect and courtesy that goes along with that - no matter what your age or role. Is this is place at your home with all family members?
There’s a peculiar phenomenon where parents worry about their children when they’re nearby but not when they’re far away.
When my husband and I were a young couple, we lived about an hour away from my father’s house. When we visited my father, he would always ask me to call him when I got home so that he would know that we had gotten home safely. Yet he had no idea where I was or what I was doing on days when we didn’t visit him. Several times, I had problems like illnesses or car breakdowns that my dad knew nothing about unless I happened to tell him later (which I usually didn’t).
I didn’t understand this until I had grown children of my own. Both my son and my daughter live in distant parts of the country now, and I don’t know anything about their everyday lives unless they tell me. But when they visit me or I visit them, I worry about them just as I did when they lived at home. I’ll notice the way they drive, whether or not they’re using sunscreen, and what they choose to eat. And when they go home, if I happen to know the flight number, I’ll check on the Internet to make sure it landed safely.
I know it’s silly for me to do this. It was silly for my father to insist on those phone calls, too. But he wasn’t a silly person in general, and I’m not, either. I think there’s some sort of basic instinct operating here – one that tells people to be concerned about their children’s welfare when they’re nearby, even if those children are grown up.
Maybe this is what’s going on with your mom.
Although I don’t expect my 23 yo S still living at home to keep me apprised of his activities 24/7, I do expect a text from him if he is not coming home for the night. If his phone is dead he needs to borrow a friends, but I do not want to wake up and find out he never came home and worry needlessly. I would also be worried if he went for a quick bike ride and was still not home several hours later.
I guess the thing that would have freaked me out the most is the going to a bar part. DId you go alone in the middle of the day? That would not sit well with me. I am not anti drinking at all, but just alone in the day in a bar… My brother is an alcoholic and I fear for my children to end up the same.
@Marian has it spot on. I check that flights landed as well! There is something to “out of sight, out of mind” when it comes to worrying about our kids. I am in my early 50s and last year when I was home visiting my parents and went out for a drink one evening with a friend, my dad waited up for me. I guess it never ends!