Need advice about child/drugs

Parent Cafe
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<p>Our child was caught with a minor bit of pot earlier this year, but actually lucked out in not getting caught with the LARGE amount of pot that he was waiting for to bring home and sell. He claimed he learned his lesson and was going to shape up because of the huge scare. </p>

<p>Well, a few days ago we found 3 oz of pot in our yard in his backpack. He admitted it was to sell and swore that this time he was serious about stopping. We have every reason NOT to believe him. </p>

<p>My wife and I are at a loss as to what to do and it is causing real tension between us. My son doesn’t view pot as bad and doesn’t feel bad about selling it to his friends. He also doesn’t think he will ever get caught if he deals with just friends. He also says it is easy money and beats working. </p>

<p>Any thoughts? I honestly don’t see him changing his ways unless there are serious consequences like jail etc. Part of me wants to get rid of most of it and just keep enough to qualify as a 2nd offense misdemeanor instead of a felony and turn him in to the police so that he has to do some minor time.</p>

<p>This all is part of a pattern where he says he will change- like with school- and then doesn’t. He has already basically flunked out of college.</p>

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<p>I suggest you hire an experienced criminal lawyer to advise you and your wife on your exposure with drugs at your house in large quantities and with your son having an intent to sell.</p>

3

<p>Well considering I had a child who died a month ago from a drug overdose due to drugs he was manufacturing and selling, I would advise you handle it as quickly as possible.</p>

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<p>You have an adult son who flunked out of school and is selling illegal drugs and storing them in your home. Your first step as a responsible parent is to tell him he may no longer live with you. Its time to find his own place and figure out how to pay his own way. Any other action is enabling his lifestyle. But surely you didn’t need to come on CC to figure that out.</p>

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<p>^^many parents are not willing to make that decision and instead continue to enable them. We threw my son out a month before he turned 18 - he had already graduated high school at 16.</p>

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<p>You might also want to become aware of possible confiscation of your automobile if he is caught with drugs for sale in your vehicle. </p>

<p>Here is what you get in Chicago as an example.</p>

<p>[City</a> of Chicago :: Vehicle Impoundment Fact Sheet](<a href=“http://www.cityofchicago.org/city/en/depts/ah/supp_info/vip/vip_fact_sheet.html]City”>City of Chicago :: Vehicle Impoundment Fact Sheet)</p>

<p>I view DocT and MommaJ as parts of the horror this situation presents. A “grown” child engages in criminal activity, doesn’t stop when confronted and now the parent has to decide-- kicking him or her out/turning him in to the authorities v. placing the parents at risk.</p>

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<p>How old is this “child”?
He’s living under your roof, eating your food?
I would not turn him in with the pot reserve to the police for all the reasons other have posted (you’re liable). And if you are questioned by the police, there is no such thing as “parent-child” privilege – i.e., you have to answer completely and honestly about your conversation with your child.
Who does he listen to more – you or your wife? Or neither at this point?
This sounds so awful. I’m sorry.</p>

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<p>We had him arrested at 15 and we were not liable. When we threw him out just before his 18th birthday, my wife found drugs in her car and was a teacher. The laws are very stringent in regards to an adult with drugs within a certain distance of a school. Another factor was that we had a younger child in the house. My son had just come out of rehab. We had an agreement worked out in the rehab that if he was caught again, he would either be arrested or thrown out - his choice. He chose leaving.</p>

9

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How do you go about kicking out an adult child? Do you call the police if he refuses to leave? What if he throws a “temper tantrum” and starts purchasing guns and ammo and starts randomly shooting people? I can’t see myself being in a position like this but one never knows when fate decides to play a cruel trick on me.</p>

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<p>read my comment about his choices - arrested and he would have gone to jail or leaving which he chose.</p>

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<p>DocT - I am terribly sorry about your son.</p>

<p>My dearest friends have a daughter who was caught for selling, promised not to ever again, lied and flunked out of college after first semester senior year. They sent her to several highly reputable rehab, but the daughter never committed to the programs and was thrown out of each. Finally, to their enormous sadness, the parents threw her out of the house and cut off all funds. A year later she is making it slowly but surely. She found a job and apt shared with others. Parents have seen her once in this time, but she will not be included in family events - including upcoming wedding of sibling - until she has been clean for at least two years. Extraordinarily painful time, but the daughter now says that expelling her from family and cutting all support was the wake up she needed.</p>

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<p>My son said the same thing but the monkey on your back called addiction is extremely powerful. Before my son’s death, talking to another addict who had been clean for 20 years, he said he was fortunate in that his “bottom” was only jail. At the time I thought how much lower could somebody go. As one of my son’s friends told us, our son had no bottom.</p>

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<p>You change the locks on the house. If there are cars in your name, sell “his or her” car that was in your name Lock up your cars. Cancel all credit cards that you are a co-signer on with him or her.</p>

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Yes. Do the same if he or she manages to get to one of your cars. Or if any firearm is missing.</p>

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<p>Well, if he is deep into dealing he probably already has guns. Is your question: “how would I live with myself?” I’ll have been sober and straight 29 years this December. PARENTS are not responsible for the acts of their impaired, addicted criminal children.</p>

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Amen.</p>

14

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Obviously he has a hole in his logic since:

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<p>When he was caught - what were the consequences? If he was fined I hope you didn’t pay the fine. </p>

<p>If a kid’s flunking out of school because of not applying himself I certainly wouldn’t continue to throw good money after bad and support them in this. Unfortunately some kids view college as party central and ignore the academic aspects of it.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t allow any illegal drugs on my property and that includes cars. If my kid wouldn’t comply with this basic requirement I wouldn’t allow him access to the cars or allow him to live in the house.</p>

<p>It doesn’t matter whether your kid or anyone else disagrees with the law around these drugs, as long as they’re illegal there are consequences and that’s that. Maybe it’ll somehow make his jail time pass more easily or fines not hurt so much if he’s smug about the fact that ‘he’ doesn’t think it s/b illegal but I doubt it’ll be much comfort to him in the end.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t believe a word he says - he’s learned how to manipulate. You should just assume his drug use isn’t limited to pot and neither are the sales but even if it’s limited to pot, it’s still illegal.</p>

<p>I certainly wouldn’t support him being in college, having a car, playstation, computer, or anything else, not a single dime, as long as he thinks drugs are a priority. I’d let him know it’s not a matter of debate or opinion - he simply won’t be permitted to continue this behavior and continue to receive your financial enabling support to do so. He needs to understand he needs to make a choice between the drug lifestyle or a non-drug lifestyle. Hopefully you can catch this at an early point before he’s involved in too many drugs but at this time you probably don’t know what drugs he’s involved in and you can’t trust whatever he tells you since he’s already lied to you about drugs.</p>

<p>If he needs money he should get a job and earn it honestly like most people. In his case, since he’s not succeeding in college, he needs to get a job anyway. Maybe it’ll help fill up some of his drug use time. Does he realize that many of the low level jobs he qualifies for (many higher level ones as well) require drug testing first and also check criminal records? When he’s trying to land that job at Walmart he’ll need to compete with others who test drug-free and don’t have records.</p>

<p>There may be some help for him in various programs so that can be pursued but they’re not always successful.</p>

<p>DocT - How awful and sad about your son. It must be very frustrating for you when you see others headed down the same path.</p>

15

<p>Because this is a second offense, I agree with others who say it’s time for son to find a new place to live, without your financial support. It’s not that pot is “bad,” but that it’s illegal and the liability is not something I would be willing to take on. I would make my kid leave, but there’s no question that it would break my heart.</p>

16

<p>My young next door neighbor was “just selling pot to his friends” and got caught in a sting operation and arrested just as he was about to start freshman year of college.mthe parents had NO idea and were beyond shocked and devastated. Legal fees were about $15K and he got probation with strict requirements and was able to go to college in a different city. It was a nightmare.</p>

<p>Time to kick him out.</p>

17

<p>Why do kids do this? :(</p>

18

<p>I’m sorry this is happening. It’s sad, stressful and heartbreaking all at the same time.</p>

<p>Is he open to rehab? Are there siblings in the home?</p>

<p>I would call a criminal attorney asap. And then Al-Anon or a drug counselor. Listen to the options and then more forward. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

19

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<p>Rest assured that as the addiction spirals, your kid will reach a point where he or she would sacrifice you for what he or she craves, unless the addiction kills him or her first.</p>

<p>I would not presume to speak for any other parent, but because of my past I have had parents of addicts who have killed themselves confide in me. Sometimes death is the only merciful release from whatever the inner demons of the child were.</p>

20

<p>DocT…so sorry to hear about the loss of your child.</p>

<p>knuckleheadsdad…</p>

<p>first, I don’t like your screenname. I don’t know if that’s just in response to his first offense, or if that’s a reflection of how you’ve often viewed him. A son is going to have self-esteem issues if his dad thinks he’s an idiot. </p>

<p>secondly, it’s time for Commando Parenting. To stay in your home, he must be an open book. That means only minimal things in his room…a bed and clothes…and you have access to room and things 24/7. Perhaps not even have a door on his bedroom. </p>

<p>Give up his cell phone. </p>

<p>If he has a car, his odometer will be checked on a regular basis to verify that he’s only going where he says that he’s going. (It would be better if he didn’t have a car, but may be necessary for job/school.)</p>

<p>Complete access to his finances…income from a job must be deposited into an acct. All purchases must be done with a debit card and no cash withdrawals…period. Complete financial transparency. </p>

<p>Must pay rent to you. </p>

<p>Must have his fanny in a classroom, at a job, drug counseling, or in your home 24/7. Must provide proof that he’s attending drug counseling/rehab/AA or whatever. </p>

<p>I’m sure others can think of a few other req’ts. </p>

<p>He has to regain your trust in order to have the normal privileges of someone his age.</p>