<p>Tell him the the legal ramifications. Reason with him, that he already got caught once, and therefore could be caught again. Stress that you will not help him AT ALL if he is caught again. </p>
<p>Give him one more chance. But stress that if you even suspect he returned to his prior behavior, you’ll kick him out and cut him off. Him knowing that you’ll do that, will, hopefully, incentivize him to stop, and stop putting his future at risk. </p>
<p>“My son doesn’t view pot as bad and doesn’t feel bad about selling it to his friends.”</p>
<p>This is normal, the laws just haven’t caught up to the times. Pot isn’t “bad”, but as others have said is “illegal”. Therefore you need to stress the legal consequences NOT the moral/ethical issues. Saying that people will die from an overdose of pot is not a very compelling argument IMO. </p>
<p>There is no reason at all to suspect that he has guns or will shoot up the neighborhood if he gets kicked out of the house ;)- that’s just silly to whomever wrote that.</p>
<p>OR, he is an adult, college-aged, it’s perfectly acceptable for you to kick him out (he has been warned), especially if he will continue to play games with you. Although, in all honesty, if he doesn’t have a job, he may just ramp up “operations” in order to pay for his own rent. BUT you are not responsible for him any more. Do whatever you’d like.</p>
<p>Alanon and rules would be my steps. Mom2 kids… Nailed it. Rehab for 3 weeks? Unlikely to help. 2 months at minimum. Paying a legal fees to keep his record clean? Unlikely to help in the long term. Home drug tests could help, with a set plan and consequences. Insurance companies expect 5 times at rehab, generally for just 3weeks. Unless the young person is motivated, they won’t change. Even after jail time, they often do not get it. I’ve seen people pay $250,000 on legal fees and rehab, to no avail. Right now the only parental agenda is getting thru to their child, getting him motivated. </p>
<p>“secondly, it’s time for Commando Parenting. To stay in your home, he must be an open book. That means only minimal things in his room…a bed and clothes…and you have access to room and things 24/7. Perhaps not even have a door on his bedroom.”</p>
<p>A lot of parents think that such tactics work - it doesn’t. I know people who have quit their jobs thinking that they could keep their kids safe - didn’t happen. They can always get stuff in school etc. They can even get it in rehabs and halfway houses. I should point out that there is a vast underground drug network that most are unaware of. I’m in the process of writing a book on our experiences. At this stage, I can’t go into any more details in order to retain my anonymity on this blog.</p>
<p>Kicking him out might not be the best thing to do if you care about your child. He is troubles and needs to be dealt with firmly, but keeping him in the house may be a way to control him. Pot can ruin lives, so throw it all out once you see it. Be strict with him until he wants to leave the house. When and if he does, remind him that you will always be there for him as long as he is willing to come back clean and go back to school.</p>
<p>To the contrary, kicking him out is in fact the every best thing to do, the only thing to do, if you care about your child. Looking at OP’s other thread, it appears things have progressed waaay past the point of offering second chances. The son has been offered every opportunity to be helped and to turn around his life, and has spurned them all. Only when he has to cope on his own–find a place to live, a way to eat, transportation, a way to pay his inevitable legal bills–will he begin to reconsider his lifestyle choices. He deserves to be kicked out solely on the basis of the total disrespect he’s shown for his parents and their home, much less all the rest.</p>
<p>"Kicking him out might not be the best thing to do if you care about your child. He is troubles and needs to be dealt with firmly, but keeping him in the house may be a way to control him. "</p>
<p>RE: reasoning with this son…it is nearly impossible to reason with an addict. The drugs really run their lives, and they become very good liars.</p>
<p>I agree… I would throw the kid out of house because of the legal risks to ME. </p>
<p>It would be worth trying rehab if this hasn’t already been tried.</p>
<p>Pot is addictive for some people. It is similar to alcohol, in that although many people can handle alcohol, others – alcoholics – cannot. Some young people can smoke pot on a regular basis, as a social thing, and still succeed in school and life. Others do become addicted, and smoke every day, starting when they wake up (it’s called “wake and bake”). These young people often do other drugs. Eventually, the heavy pot use will interfere with the ability to function at school or work. If your kid is smoking pot and failing college, then something needs to be done.</p>
<p>If you can afford it, I would advise getting your son into rehab. If he refuses, then tell him he has to move out and support himself. The choice is his. I would keep the offer open even if he moved out. A month or two on his own may be enough to convince him that rehab might be a better alternative. </p>
<p>I know that people sometimes relapse after rehab, but it can be successful. I am thinking of a friend of my S. This young man used and dealt drugs, and was arrested with a large quantity of drugs that he had intended to sell (to friends, of course). A deal was worked out that if he did residential rehab, he could avoid jail. It took six months of residential rehab followed by some time in a halfway house, but that young man is now 19 months sober and completely committed to his sobriety. He is living on his own, attending college, and working. In his case, rehab worked.</p>
<p>DocT–sorry for your loss, it is kind of you to offer your perspective here</p>
<p>Knuckles—Has your son been evaluated at a drug treatment facility, or by an addictions professional? Whether one can be genuinely “addicted” to marijuana is somewhat irrelevant, he is having consequences based on his abuse and selling and it won’t improve on it’s own. Of course, noone really knows what Knuckles’ son is actually using. I’ve seen kids sell marijuana but use pills, etc. </p>
<p>I would insist on a solid evaluation now, and then follow the recommendations. Sounds simple, but it is the execution that is the tough part. You have to trust the recommendations and be committed to them. I read the previous thread that 07Dad posted, you stated you tried tough love, unconditional love, kicking him out, etc. Don’t know how one could try all of those without once canceling out the effects of the other. You need to be clear and united with your wife as to the path you’re taking or it won’t work. addicts are skilled at finding the weak link and working it. You can’t control your son, nor cure his situation, but you can seek appropriate help and use it. Sending you clarity and strength…</p>
<p>I don’t know if treating it like an “addiction” or sending him to “rehab” is really the best solution for the kid that the OP describes. The drug abuse is not the issue here I feel. </p>
<p>From his initial post, I get the feeling that this is a entrepreneur-type kid. He’s selling pot, because he doesnt see his actions as immoral (i agree), doesn’t think he’ll get caught (I disagree), and thinks it’s easier than getting a real job. </p>
<p>I don’t get the perspective that many of you seem to have that he is selling BECAUSE he is addicted to pot. I get the feeling that the selling is his main motivation here.</p>
<p>Probably partially true. My son was entrepreneurial also. As a matter of fact the police were telling us how brilliant he was with his capability of altering drugs to circumvent the laws. My wife responded with “if he was so brilliant, he wouldn’t be dead”</p>
<p>This “entrepreneur” has chosen to sell an illegal substance. Sorry but I do NOT view this in an entrepreneurial spirit. </p>
<p>My kids were told clearly that if they possessed illegal substances and we knew or found them, we would call the police. And we meant it. </p>
<p>This kid was already arrested once and continued this practice. Sorry, but I would not risk having this happen again in my home and the kid would be moving OUT. I would try to get this kiddo some help, and it would break my heart, but they would NOT be welcome to live in my home. This kid
cannot be trusted.</p>
<p>To a certain extent why he is selling doesn’t matter.</p>
<p>The choices he is making are destructive and could have negative consequences for the family (ie parent loses job, cars confiscated, etc). The first step is to get legal advice to protect the family. Follow that advice. Then call Al-Anon or another group for support, figure out the next step for the family and the kid.</p>
<p>^^^I agree but why he is selling matters if you are trying to get to the root of the problem and change behavior. Suggesting that he go to drug abuse counciling and/or rehab, like practically everyone in this thread has advised him to do, would be good advice for an “addiction/abuse” problem but maybe not the best course of action for a “selling” problem IMO. </p>
<p>DocT: sorry that happened; that’s terrible. Anyone who is messing with serious drugs that can cause serious addiction and/or death absolutely has a drug abuse problem and definitely needs abuse counsiling/rehab. </p>
<p>“This “entrepreneur” has chosen to sell an illegal substance. Sorry but I do NOT view this in an entrepreneurial spirit.”</p>
<p>Drug dealers are VERY entrepreneurial. Definitely not a good thing, but it is true. Trying to treat him as an addict/victim is not gonna be helpful. It’d probably be better to treat him like the entrepreneur, that he likely views himself as, by discussing the legal repercussions, and personal consequences.</p>