<p>No great advices to give, but just want to say may be you should show this thread to your wife to show her how a loving and caring dad and a hubby you are ! You guys should take care of the healthy ones too. At least you should not let your malfunction son destroying the rest of the family
my 2cents</p>
<p>@myturn- the last eval was after his first year of college. </p>
<p>@compaq- thanks. We were worried about the others, but the one bright side of all of this has been the effect it has had on them. Child 2 is absolutely the most perfect kid and is very much anti-drinking and anti-drug because of their brother. They attend one of the top U’s. Child 3 is still in HS, but has straight A’s, hangs with a great group of friends, is very involved in church (both are), and so far is very anti-drinking and anti-drugs as well.</p>
<p>Youdontnome, my brother was in his late 30s after many, many years of problems. I was across the country, but it was very hard on my mom who lived in the same town. He got clean in prison and had lots of time to reflect. My mom died while he was in prison and a brother died just after he was released, but before he had been able to see him. My brother lost a lot through his addiction, but now he is clean, employed, and in a loving relationship. Unfortunately, he was nearly fifty before his life straightened out.</p>
<p>One common thread throughout your longer tale, OP, is the fact that when push comes to shove, your son always knows you will offer support in one form or another–allowing him to live at home, paying for school, etc. You know what they say about people who keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result…I suspect the therapists are right, and that he doesn’t have a drug problem, but is very immature and kind of a jerk–hard to accept that about your own blood, though, and in some ways it’s easier to think he may be in the grip of an addiction that he has no power over. My S did a lot of immature, jerky stuff in his early twenties, including one incident that got him in trouble with the law and resulted in a six-month probation with weekly drug tests. We did not support him financially through this period. He paid for a lawyer by emptying his savings account, didn’t finish his degree, worked as a barista, and rented a cruddy room in a cruddy house. Six years later, he is close to finishing his degree, has a good job in a field he enjoys, and basically is behaving like an adult. Once he only had himself to rely on, he grew up. It’s certainly worth a try with OP’s son, since all else has failed.</p>
<p>knucklehead, so sorry to read your extensive story. I feel we’re in the same boat: we want to help our son and we know he’s a “good kid”, but he’s making all these stupid decisions. What I take away from your story is: 1) evals that contradict your inclination. That is, you’d think your son has a drug/addiction problem. How stupid not to include you in that eval, esp since you were probably paying for it, but I swear, parents are almost always right. 2) there’s a theme: everytime your son gets into trouble, he *swears * he’ll stop. I’d suggest you continue with those conditions, but make them fewer and achievable. And keep them short term. I also don’t see what consequences you have set up.</p>
<p>For us, we tell our son that if does X (like, if we find anymore pot), then he loses the use of the car for a month. If we find more, we’ll take his cellphone for a month).</p>
<p>The last thing I keep thinking while reading your story is that your DW caves. She wants to protect your son, but your son plays up on that. Be sure to speak privately with your DW about having one message to your son. I’m the one who caves around here, but I totally support my DH. We had a discussion this morning and my DH reminded our son we’re not the police; we don’t want to see him spiril downwards. We want to help him, but he has to be the one who is making the right choices.</p>
<p>One concern that OP might want to really look at under his state’s law is the minor child in the house. If S gets busted again and the cops determine that the parents knew or reasonably should have known that the S had drugs on the premises where the minor child resided, CPS might cause the family a lot of problems.</p>
<p>@momma- I tend to agree with you, but would but probably substitute the words “your wife” for “you” at the beginning of the phase “keeps caving in” :)</p>
<p>@U- you nailed it, and she admits it. Every time she swears that she won’t give in again, and then she does. We are working on giving a unified message.</p>
<p>@07- he is not a minor child. He will be 20 very soon. He also won’t be living at the house starting tomorrow.</p>
<p>KnuckleheadsDad–the minor is your HS child 3. If the police knew that you were aware that there were drugs in your house and premises where she was CPS could may a fuss at least in my state.</p>
<p>Good idea that he is gone tomorrow. Are you changing the locks, etc.?</p>
<p>@07- Oh, I should have realized that was what you meant from your post. Also, yes, we are changing the locks, and have told him he is not welcome back for Thanksgiving, and may only visit for a few hours on Christmas Day.</p>
<p>OP, reading your longer version of the story I saw so many similarities to my ex who is an alcoholic. I agree with your assessment that he may or may not have a true substance abuse problem, but his behavior is mirroring that of an addict. It was hard enough to leave when this was my husband, I can’t imagine what it must feel like to “leave” your child on his own, when he’s in trouble. However, you guys are doing him no favors by continuing to be his back-up. He has to have NO back-up. He won’t get his act together if he does. (And I believe he is sincere when he says things will change when he says that - but when things get more comfortable, then those changes seem too hard and the old life better and easier.)</p>
<p>I wish you luck and perseverance. I think you and your wife could benefit from counseling yourselves. This is going to be a long road, and you will need to take care of yourselves and all of the emotions that you will continue to go through during this process. I wish you all peace.</p>
<p>hope you tell him he is welcome when he is doing the right thing…</p>
<p>Good luck OP. I know that it will be a very long, emotional road. I’ll pray for you and your family and your son. Nothing is harder than tough love. He may not appreciate it now, but someday, when he “comes to himself” he will see that you did what you did out of love. </p>
<p>This is just a heads up: When we had to ask an adult child to leave the home, we forgot to emphasize the rules to our younger kids. Younger brother let older foster S back into house while parents were gone and he robbed us blind. Police were definitely called on that one.</p>
<p>DocT, you have my deepest sympathy.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to all the parents watching their kids self-destruct. I hope the OP and family find the strength to stand firm and let the young man feel the consequences of his actions.</p>
<p>I’ll repeat what others have said: find an Alanon meeting and go - tonight if you can. It’s not just for families of alcoholics, it’s for families of addicts too. Some cities have Naranon (specifically narcotics) but those groups tend to not have the years and maturity of the Alanon groups, IMO. In any case, the level of addiction or substance addicted to really doesn’t matter in that group.</p>
<p>Posting on CC is OK but a solid Alanon group will have supportive people with years of experience dealing with what you are dealing with. They won’t give you advice, but they will show you how YOUR life can be better. And when YOUR life is better, you can make better decisions about how to deal with the alcoholic/addict you love and care about.</p>
<p>I hope it all works out for your family.</p>
<p>Knucklehead’sDad, I hope your house is feeling more settled today. I suspect it may have been difficult to say good-bye to your son, since he’ll be gone for awhile. Hopefully this will be a good time for him, with lots of growing up.</p>
<p>We have a relative who was kicked out of the home by his parents. His dad is now maintaining TWO households–the one where the dad & daughter live & the other where the son lives. Not sure exactly what the S did to get kicked out nor if there are any conditions under which he would be allowed to move back, since it’s their issue to resolve. It is a big financial stretch for the dad to maintain both households. </p>
<p>The young man is unable to work enough hours to get benefits or support himself. The young woman also doesn’t work enough hours to get benefits or support herself, but is attending the U, got a degree & should get her teaching certificate in a short while.</p>
<p>Agree that it’s important for EVERYONE in the household to know what the rules are so that the valuables don’t disappear and get sold to support a habit.</p>
<p>HImom, are you saying that the son was asked to leave the house but his father is supporting the son living in another house? What investment does the son have in supporting himself if his dad is providing him with free housing etc. Just saying.</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t understand the dynamics, but yes, the S was asked to leave the house but the dad is supporting S living in an apartment (as well as D living in the family home with the dad). For a while, the S lived in his own apartment but more recently has had room mates. The S has never completed HS, gotten a GED or even worked to see if he could clear his criminal record (incurred when he was about 18-19). He has had poor impulse control, some panic attacks, and has trouble getting a job because of the background checks. His mom was a alcholic and is now deceased.</p>
<p>I don’t have a full understanding of the circumstances surrounding the dad having the S leave the house. The dad has never asked for our opinion and we have never offered any. The S & D are both nice enough but they live 2500 miles from us, so we don’t see them often or have much interaction.</p>