<p>Freshman Daughter wants to volunteer to clear the Appalachian Trail this summer rather than seeking research opportunities or summer employment. Its not a school sponsored opportunity and she doesnt know anyone else applying, she is searching for any way not to come home or get a job.</p>
<p>We respect her wanting her independence. Were proud she made 3.6 in Engineering first semester so keeps full-tuition scholarship, loves school and made great friends. We thought we had finances clearly defined. We agreed to pay for room, board, books and flights home. She doesnt have to take out loans but does have to cover her own spending money. </p>
<p>Financially, we dont think she has enough spending money to not find summer employment. Of course, shes decided she wont buy anything so will be just fine. We also are questioning if we should continue to pay car insurance if shes only home for a couple weeks a year. Shes thinks were using money to control her but $1000 a year makes does make an impact on our budget. </p>
<p>Sorry for the rambling- while we love her, this was not a delightful holiday break at our house! We need a strategy for the future.</p>
<p>Personally, I think clearing the Appalachian trail sounds really cool. I wish I’d done something like that before I was tied down with home and family. When else is she going to be able to do something like this? </p>
<p>DS didn’t work between freshman and sophomore year either, giving us more gray hairs. We had the same financial deal that you do. We didn’t give him spending money. He managed.</p>
<p>Surely this is all part of growing up - making decisions about what you spend your time and money on. So long as you tell her that you will not give her any money to compensate for lost summer earnings, then it’s up to her. If she finds she’s skint later on, she can get a part time job in term time. </p>
<p>Of course, if she literally just doesn’t want to come home, I’m sure there are other paid employment opportunities she could take up, such as being a camp counsellor. </p>
<p>With regards to car insurance, can’t you just insure it for the weeks she is home? I don’t drive, but this is what friends who do drive do.</p>
<p>I’m with the “let them make mistakes while they’re young” camp. Nothing life threatening will happen if she does want she wants. She may actually learn a valuable lesson assuming you don’t jump in an finance that lesson.</p>
<p>She sounds like a wonderful kid. Do you really want to make this an issue?</p>
<p>I think you are disappointed that she doesn’t want to be home over the summer. I would be too. But I am not sure if there is much you could do about it. Why would she care about car insurance if she is not going to be home? When D1 went away for study abroad, we took her off our insurance temporary and put her back in when she returned. Your kid may find that she’ll need to get a job on campus next year if she doesn’t make money over the summer, but that’s something for her to deal with. Now, if my kid were to find something meaningful to do and not end up sitting on her butt the whole summer, I would be fine with it. </p>
<p>Our freshman D is in the process of figuring out what she is going to do this summer. She is going to be home because where we live is the best/easiest place for her to find a summer job.</p>
<p>I would also say that (a) internships and good summer jobs are not that easy to come by for freshmen, and (b) many college students refuse to think about summer until April or May, by which time it’s even harder to locate said employment. The fact that your D has already thought about her plans and made them is a plus.</p>
<p>Having hiked part of the AT most summers, I can thank her in advance if she does this. Perhaps she’s looking for a complete escape from engineering and a trail crew will certainly be that. I wouldn’t push her to find a research job, but having extra cash is something you should bring up. Maybe she can get some part-time babysitting jobs on the ‘shoulder’ weeks around a full-time summer job. </p>
<p>Maybe she can find a paying job that is outdoors. I’m not sure what part of the AT she is looking at, but the AMC does hire plenty of seasonal help. The hut ‘croos’ in the White Mountains are memorable. (although most of the ones I have come across attend Middlebury)</p>
<p>Car insurance - our insurance company lets us take the college kids off the cars (“exclude” them) while they are away and allows several free waivers to the exclusion. They have to be put back on if they are home for the whole summer, but you only have to pay for the summer. We didn’t have to pay for our kid who was only home for breaks and not for the summer.</p>
<p>Maybe you can ask about this with your company or shop for a company that does do this.</p>
<p>The experience is probably more valuable than a summer job in a lot of respects to her. When else will she be able to this? With jobs and family ties, she may never get the chance again.</p>
<p>Lot’s of great suggestions from other posters on this thread. I would approach your daughter by acknowledging what she wants to do as a good thing but suggest that she consider doing similar work for pay. I know my kids in college were often so busy with college academics and life that they really didn’t have the time or focus to think about summer alternatives. I would also ask that she come home for at the minimum for one weeks if possible. </p>
<p>I also think you should see about taking her off your insurance policy if possible, and not have her pay for it. We were able to take our kids off our policy when they were at college far away. They were still able to drive during the breaks and summer. </p>
<p>It seems to me that you made a deal with her as a young adult to cover her own spending money. And it is up to her to figure out how to do that. She seems to have done a fantastic job in college her freshman year; a 3.6 as an engineering major is great. If she needs to work part time during school to earn pizza money, I am guessing she could add a job for 8 hours a week or so and still keep up her grades. That kind of job should give her enough spending money with no issues.</p>
<p>I think it is a great thing for her to do that this summer. She can look for an engineering internship or something like that next year. She is in a very employable major with good grades, and this will be one of her last chances to really go do something like this just because she wants to do it and will enjoy it.</p>
<p>Agree to discuss options with your insurance company on the insurance.</p>
<p>Just as an aside comment, your title does not match your post very well. It seems to me you are looking for validation to keep her from doing what she (as a young adult who is behaving responsibly in many ways) would like to do for the summer. This is really a time of transition with your kids – you are no longer in control and “parenting” them as actively as you did when they are young. Treat her with respect, and allow her to make her own decisions – she is doing well at some of the most important things. You have to let her live her own life.</p>
<p>I say let her go, let her live on the money she has and if she runs out, oh well, she can get a part time job or just live with the consequences :D. As for the car insurance, call your agent, most companies have a provision for college students away from home. It can save a LOT of money but don’t drop her from your policy or she will pay through the nose when she graduates. Our company moves them from being a primary driver to an occasional driver which cuts the bill by about 2/3rds.</p>
<p>Think about why you are upset about this. Is it because she needs to make money or is it because you feel rejected because “she is finding any reason not to come home this summer”. </p>
<p>Does she have a car at school? Does she need to have a car if she does? My kids didn’t have a car at school until they were seniors and then it was because they had had summer internships and the car stayed with them. They didn’t find much need and didn’t drive the car so it was a waste. I resented paying insurance for a car they didn’t drive. It cost us much less to have them listed as students away at college, maybe there can be a compromise.</p>
<p>It is very hard that first Christmas at home. You have all these expectations of how great it’s going to be. Then these surly slugs come home, sleep all day stay up all night and make a big mess.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have a great daughter. Think about your motivation and if your desire to have them home is overriding what their plans are. Can she make money another way such as a small job during the school year? Since she has a full tuition scholarship can you let her have some slack as far as summer employment goes? She has plenty of years to work and as an engineering major the opportunity to make a considerable amount of money the other summers she is in school.</p>
<p>Yes, I am hurt that she won’t come home. “Surly slug” is what we experienced. I’m trying to keep the big picture in mind so appreciate the advice and parenting books recommended.</p>
<p>Our insurance only discounts $100 for college students so I need to shop for other plans. Thanks for the links for the internships. They look like a great option that she didn’t know about.</p>
<p>I think part of the problem is we’re talking about things so many months from now. After I calm down and do some reading, we’ll have to figure out what to do for spring break. Currently she doesn’t want to fly home and freshman can’t stay in the dorm. My gut says to keep my mouth shut and let her figure it out. It’s hard!</p>
<p>It sounds like your D is smart, looking at the bigger picture-such as planning ahead “so many months from now”. Many volunteer opportunities fill up “many months ahead” so she’s actually doing the right thing. And it’s a very worthwhile opportunity, plus it will give her something outside of the engineering realm for her resume.</p>
<p>My older D worked with the SCA mentioned above all through high school and again after she graduated. She’s a huge outdoor activity person so she loved it. She still, 5 years out, talks about how much fun it was.</p>
<p>I think maybe what you’re really looking for in a book is how to convince her to do what you want. That time has passed. She’s old enough to make her own decisions about how to spend her free time, and it’s not like she’s choosing to run the streets. And take from an old mom of older kids-the LESS you try to force them to be where you want, when you want, the MORE likely they’ll be available to you.</p>
<p>It’s good that you’re looking at this in a slightly more rational way now </p>
<p>I think the ‘surly slug’ bit comes because it’s a massive lifestyle change, and not a particularly welcome one at that. She’s been away for 3 months, looking after herself, making her own decisions, and generally being out from under the parental thumb. All of a sudden, she’s back living the life that she lived in high school, her parents want to know where she is all the time, meal times are no longer when she chooses to cook, and so on. In my experience, one of the more frustrating things is that parents often seem to imagine that their offspring have done nothing and learned nothing in the time that they are away. This is particularly the case for my dad, as despite having been entirely self supporting since I left home 2 years ago (partly away at college, partly travelling solo), and partially self supporting for 7 months before that (working full time, living at home) he believes that I still need help with everything from cooking to working out when to start looking for a new house to rent for next year. Jesus wept. Add that to the fact that she is no longer with her new friends and to some extent she’s probably drifted from her home friends. That is (in my experience), how the ‘surly slug’ emerges! </p>
<p>Let her figure things out for herself. She’s an adult now, if a young one, and she has to learn to make decisions herself. Some things are best learned through experience. If she doesn’t want to fly home at Easter, then let her figure it out. If it turns out that she changes her mind but leaves it so late that she can’t get a flight home at a reasonable price, then offer to either (a) let her pay the difference, or (b) get a greyhound bus (I once spent 27 hours straight on a greyhound, it’s not the most fun in the world, but I did it to save money), or (c) organise her own accommodation in her college town (backpackers hostel, airbnb, friend’s house etc.). But of course, it’s only fair that you forewarn her.</p>
<p>As sseamom said, it’s good that she’s planning ahead. Planning ahead is an important part of everything in adult life from budgeting to career plans.</p>
<p>Well… given your comment about spring break, you could be right that she does not want to come home. But I think you need to do some real serious examination of why that might be. Are there other points of conflict in your relationship with her besides this question of summer and spring break plans? Maybe issues with religion, staying out late with friends, etc? Are you treating her like a young adult, or is she expected to step back into a younger role? For example, my D1 did not have a curfew when she came home over breaks from college. I just expected the courtesy of her telling me where she was headed and who with, and a phone call if she would be later than planned (or if not coming home at all). If you try to go back to “high school” rules, you would get rebellion from many college students on that. And sometimes it is easier to just stay away than deal with it. Also, does she like the town you live in? I personally hated my hometown for a variety of reasons, and still dislike going back for visits 30 years after moving away. I can see why that might make a student want to go elsewhere over breaks.</p>
<p>By the way, my D only came home once for spring break in college, and I think she was sorry she had. No one from high school had the same break week, and she was pretty bored. Our weather is not great in March, either. The other years she went to see her grandparents in Florida (I paid for the plane ticket, figured I would be paying for one home if she didn’t go there). And her senior year she visisted some local friends, then stayed on campus to work on her senior thesis.</p>
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