<p>Golffather. Thank you. That book is exactly what I need today.</p>
<p>I see from your prior posts that she attends NEU. Is she considering Alternative Spring Break? This is now a popular option with students who don’t want a drunken week on a beach and don’t want to come home and be a couch potato. Looks like NEU has several options:</p>
<p>[Alternative</a> Spring Breaks](<a href=“http://www.northeastern.edu/communityservice/programs/alt_springbreak.html]Alternative”>http://www.northeastern.edu/communityservice/programs/alt_springbreak.html)</p>
<p>If she’s interested in Hurricane Sandy cleanup, I can assure you there will be plenty of opportunities to volunteer at the Jersey Shore this spring. It’s a cheap bus ride from Boston & I imagine there will be places (likely churches) that will give her free housing and she will just need to chip in for food.</p>
<p>She doesnt like our town and has broken ties with many of her high school friends. We think we have reasonable expectations- let us know where you are going and when/if you will be home. No curfew. Shes a vegetarian so I did ask her to let me know if she would be eating dinner with us because it requires additional work. </p>
<p>I mentioned planning too far ahead. I should have clarified that it was I not her that was asking to look ahead for spring break and summer plans. I was trying to use airline miles to book free flights that will help cover the car insurance.</p>
<p>She indicates its too late to sign up for alternative spring breaks at NEU or to do the study abroad this summer. Sandy relief would be a great option if there was an organization to contact. Im really torn if I should see if its too late or explore other options. Dont know if she lost on how to do this or just wants to handle everything on her own.</p>
<p>I know I need to back off. I realize shes doing great job at the most important things</p>
<p>“I know I need to back off. I realize she’s doing great job at the most important things”</p>
<p>Take it from a parent of a D who never ever came home for the summer and somehow she figured out that money does not make itself. It all works out.</p>
<p>And she can always take out a Direct Loan next year to cover her lack of summer earnings. My oldest son took a flyer one summer (as an independent app developer) and only earned about $42.00. He knew that we would not supplement his spending money and only pay direct college bills, so he took out a student loan. Since it was small, he was able to fully pay it off before the 6 month grace period after graduation. That process was a learning experience as well.</p>
<p>After one very,very long summer at home during college, I made a pact with myself that I wasn’t going back again ever for any extended time. I went straight through college from then on, going to school during summers and only went home for maybe Christmas and the occasional weekend. I love my parents dearly, but they never treated me as a young adult who could make good decisions without their input. And their input was always “we’re right and you’re wrong.” As an old adult, I don’t mind it as much and learned to deal with it! And visit more too.</p>
<p>I think I’m much easier on my kids than my parents were on me. I wasn’t easy on the kids in high school but already knew that the freedom and independence that comes with living on your own needs to be respected. We (H and I) make our opinions known of course when it comes to big decisions but try to stay on the teaching side (from personal experience) and not make our opinion seen as a parental command (which sounds like nagging to younger ears).</p>
<p>Sometimes your kid can be a real pill. They don’t want to make a decision but they don’t want you to either. Everyone has made plans but them and there is nothing they can do. Ohhh the angst! Annoying as all get out.</p>
<p>No advice, just been there done that. Now when they can’t get it together it’s their dime. Such a relief.</p>
<p>Its hard to make the transition from parent of teen high school student to parent of adult. It helps me to remember that this is a normal, healthy transition. That it is her life, not mine.</p>
<p>I had a tough time after Freshman year. She did come home but we butted heads. She didn’t have a curfew but the way our house is set up and the way my sleep pattern is (light sleeper, contending with hot flashes)–it made me grumpy and *<strong><em>ed off. She tended to trash the kitchen while cooking. That *</em></strong>ed me off too. I spent a lot of time being mad.</p>
<p>After soph year, she wanted to get an apartment in our hometown with some friends, but I pointed out that she would need the money for her study overseas, and an apartment would use up ALL the money she was going to make working. But this time I did not get emotional/grouchy. I just said, well, it was her choice, but she’d have to take out a bigger loan to make up the difference (she very frugal and very debt adverse, but not always realistic about what things cost). I said her father & I would move to the guest room for the summer (isolated in the house/dark/quiet) so that I wouldn’t be disturbed by her comings and goings, and that she could live here rent free, OR she could get the apartment and not have any money for spending while overseas, her choice. I said whatever she picked I would honor her decision and not second guess her.</p>
<p>Guess what she picked. She came home. First time she left the kitchen a mess, I cleaned it. Then the next day I said (calmly) here are the house rules. You use it, you clean it. I tried to talk to her like I was her coworker/housemate, not her boss or mom. And you know what, it worked.</p>
<p>I treated her nicely and it struck me that it would probably be the last stretch of time she EVER lives with us again. We even discussed that. And I think realizing that made her more considerate too. We stopped butting heads. She spontaneously cleaned things from time to time. I cooked for her, she cooked for me. It was lovely. </p>
<p>By letting go, I think she was able to stop fighting against me.</p>
<p>Paperplane–maybe you blew it, LOL! They keep coming back when things are not so stressful!
And what a difference a few years make. There are huge growth spurts emotion-wise during the 20’s (I’d say 17-21 and again from 22-26). I would guess that parents miss the growth when their kids are away and expect the same kid to reappear on their doorstep when they return.</p>
<p>If she’s interested in doing volunteer work in exchange for bed and board this spring break, then I’m sure that she will be able to find an opportunity through
[Workaway.info</a> the site for free work exchange. Gap year volunteer for food and accommodation whilst travelling abroad.](<a href=“http://www.workaway.info%5DWorkaway.info”>http://www.workaway.info)
[Help</a> Exchange: free volunteer work exchange abroad Australia New Zealand Canada Europe](<a href=“http://www.helpx.net%5DHelp”>http://www.helpx.net)
WWOOF </p>
<p>Many are based around organic farming, but others are based around domestic work, childcare or something different, and there are opportunities in every US state, and abroad. Most hosts will expect around 5 hours work per day in exchange for the bed and board. It’s an opportunity for her to experience living in an entirely different way, and if she does something manual, then she can think of it as a taster for the Appalachian trail. </p>
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<p>So, so true. </p>
<p>This is all part of the natural separation that comes when children leave the nest, and become steadily less and less reliant on their parents. Some manage it quicker than others, which generally means that they have been parented better and taught the life skills that they need. That she is able to cope alone is really quite a positive thing in many ways.</p>
<p>Encourage your daughter to figure this all out for you & her! Give her the numbers/facts/possibilities and let her “do the math”. Gives her more control, but with your input of facts, she will have to deal within your parameters. </p>
<p>One more step toward independence!</p>
<p>Would it be possible for your daughter to do this volunteer work and to also get a paying job? Most college students have four months off, which might enable both activities.</p>
<p>IMHO- I think it is wonderful that she wants to do physical outdoor work.</p>
<p>If you hold her back on this one, you’ll pay a price for it.</p>
<p>Although you may not sleep a wink all summer, I encourage you to let her go, give her your blessings, have her feel that you truly trust her and are excited for her venture. </p>
<p>We went though a similar scenario and let our child go. The long term dividends to the child and to the parent-child relationship are definitely well worth it.</p>
<p>For engineering, the year after freshman year was THE ONLY year that S had to just do what he wanted to–he chose to work at a summer program where he had volunteered the previous year and worked the year he graduated from HS. He had a fun and relaxing summer so that he was able to get back & continue engineering in the fall. If he had opted to “cruise” that summer, we would have been OK with it too, since the next two summers he did engineering internships/research. He also opted to do engineering research during the school year to give himself more spending money (engineer students can make decent – above minimum wages). It worked OK for him & for us.</p>
<p>If your kiddo doesn’t earn anything over the summer but is able to get a part-time job during the school year to cover expenses, she’ll still be in good shape. </p>
<p>It doesn’t seem fair to change the rules to now ask her to cover insurance if she’s not even going to be around to drive the car. I’d find an insurer who didn’t charge for someone who is not even around. When our kids were away, the insurance was just in the names of H & me, and the kids could drive when they came to visit.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that your D doesn’t want to come home–I was enjoying exploring but my folks always insisted I come home every summer because they were afraid I’d otherwise move away permanently. I have never insisted my kids come to visit, but they consider HI home, so they always WANT to come “HOME” to spend with us and their relatives, and we’re happy to have them, whether or not they have a job (D has held very few paid jobs).</p>
<p>As an engineering student, the summer after freshman year is the best time to do something like that; hopefully she should be bogged down with internships the following summers. Research is uncommon in freshman year and if she doesn’t have a burning desire to do it yet I wouldn’t push her. Freshman engineering is intense and she may need the break.</p>
<p>As far as finances, cut the car insurance. If it was that critical to her, she’d be getting a job. Have her show you how she plans to support herself during the volunteering - that way, you won’t need to worry about supplying bail out cash to bring her home. As long as she understands that you won’t be “back up” funds during the volunteering OR during next semester when she wants to go out with friends, let her go. You could make up a contract even. Forcing her to come home and get a job will only push her further, and you may end up with a rebellious kid who feels entitled to make her own independent decisions of not getting a job and laying around the house all summer.</p>
<p>Sounds like she needs to just let her hair down a little. What better way than to do it in nature. She sounds like a good kid and you, great parents. I understand both points of views.
I did a cross country road trip with 4 friends during my freshman summer with $100 in my pocket.(30 yrs. ago) It was one of my best college memories. Real life comes soon enough and it will be harder to find time to do these care free things.</p>
<p>GolfFather, thank you for that book recommendation. Ordering it today. Kids are grown but those adolescent years still color our relationship. I’m ready to let that stuff go. Might just let them read it too!</p>
<p>I have a D who is a senior in HS. In some ways we are in similar situations we are just a year behind you. I don’t believe it’s selfish to set financial boundries. This is what you agreed to pay for and that is all you should have to pay for. As an “adult” she needs to determine 1. How the experience itself is going to be paid for. Since it’s volunteer work she will at minimum have to pay for transportation to and from the work area. Does she have the equipment and clothing? Will the food be provided or does she need food. 2. How will she cover the cost of incidentals her sophmore year without the income from summer work? If she is willing to work these out on her own then she has shown some maturity.</p>
<p>As far as volunteering on the AT I think it would be an awesome experience. It would likely be no more dangerous than driving to and from a job in your town and would give her something to talk about for sometime. It will not be easy as the AT is challenging and the weather over the summer in most locations is hot, humid, often very wet and bugs are everywhere. She’ll likely be very footsore in the beginning and mole skin we’ll be her new friend. Surprisingly it’s the miseries she’ll remember the most. Good luck. I’ll probably be having this discussion or something like it next year.</p>
<p>Last summer I was hoping D1 would get a job in her intended field, but she only put our 1-2 ‘feelers’ and no one bit. I was also a bit aggitated that she had nothing when she returned home in May after exams. Within a few weeks she picked up 2 part-time nanny jobs that lasted the entire summer and she made over $5000. </p>
<p>Fingers crossed, but it looks like she may have something lined for for thsi summer in her field. I think you need to let her sort things out for herself, as in 3 short years she will be completely on her own.</p>
<p>My son also is at NEU and spent his first summer on a Dialogue program in Europe-by the time he got back all the summer jobs were long gone but we figured based on how NEU does things it would be the last summer he would ever get a long break so he enjoyed it! It may not be too late for Summer 2 session signups. </p>
<p>I do know a couple of kids who have done what your daughter wants to do on the trail. It is an incredible experience and can be a life-changing one-I would strongly recommend if it is possible to let her do that if she wants-and I can tell you from talking to them but more importantly their mother 
that experience like that is looked upon by employers and grad schools very favorably.</p>
<p>It’s tough when they don’t want to come home but it means she is happy I think! I know it isn’t easy to let them go but it’s what we want right? She is doing very well to have a GPA like that and she is on full tuition? That to me is the equivalent of working a lot of jobs-if she wants the car and the spending money then she will need to get a job for that-but if she isn’t home most insurers will give a big discount on that.</p>
<p>My son just started coop and he is making very good money-I think if she keeps on the track she is on when her time for coop comes she will find a good position and the engineering coops are well know for paying very well.</p>
<p>I sometimes have to just swallow my tongue and let my children do what they feel is best for them-it usually ends up working out pretty well-your daughter sounds like a fine young woman and one who will make good choices. She also seems to want to break away from home-that may not mean you though. :)</p>