Need Advice and/or reassurance re slacker D

Parent Cafe
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<p>If all you can offer are criticisms of my parenting, skip posting. I know, I know, I’m a bad parent.</p>

<p>My D, who was accepted early action to a public instate, deposit sent, plans made, etc., has commenced her senior slide early. Her recent grades included two C minus grades in AP classes and although she passed Math with a C, her final exam grade was an F. Overall gpa is a 2.7 for this report card. I hope her admission will not be rescinded.</p>

<p>It is true she has been sick off and on,mostly on, since Thanksgiving, and has seen the doctor several times for a nagging bronchitis thing. She just finished another course of antibiotics this week.</p>

<p>Her friends are all on honor roll and have pretty much the same schedule as she and activities.</p>

<p>What do I do? I am furious and disappointed.</p>

<p>Her school year ends at the end of May. Is this normal? The senior slump? How can I encourage her to finish strongly or should I just shut up?</p>

<p>Despite the criticisms directed at me on CC, I AM a supportive, loving parent.</p>

<p>Thanks to all,</p>

<p>Linda</p>

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<p>2.7 is a B- or C+?</p>

<p>I would try and be quiet. (try is the operative word).</p>

<p>Usually D or F final grades will have the school writing to ask for the reason for the downturn. Make sure she knows this.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. I have learned the hard way that no matter what you do or say the only thing you can’t give your kid is drive but you can drive yourself nuts trying!</p>

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<p>sax, at our high school, the final exam grade F would not show up on the transcript – just the semester grade of C.</p>

<p>Linda, I can sympathize. My d also had a seriously subpar final exam grade in Calculus. I believe her first semester senior year GPA was the lowest of her high school career.</p>

<p>I comfort myself by knowing that she will have to take a placement test when she gets to college, so in terms of actually learning the material she will have another chance.</p>

<p>Personally, I think by age 17 or 18 there is not much one can do. The motivation to improve and do better has to come from within. I am certainly hoping such motivation kicks in early in her college career, but in the meantime, I emphasize (when I have the chance) that college is not just about getting to live on her own and have a good time. It will include studying (!!), we expect her to do well, and she will need to be able to support herself once college is complete. <— I try to say these things with good humor, when she is focusing on buying dorm room supplies or speculating about a roommate.</p>

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<p>“I have learned the hard way that no matter what you do or say the only thing you can’t give your kid is drive but you can drive yourself nuts trying!”</p>

<p>Very true.</p>

<p>I agree with being quiet. Senior year needs to be IMO sink or swim time. If a kid sinks, the good part of that is that they’re likely to stay home for at least one more year – under parents’ wing (preferably while paying rent and working a fulltime job) while they learn about Life the hard way.</p>

<p>If they swim without parents needing to help them senior year, then they probably are ready for the major challenges that college will give them.</p>

<p>Speaking as a parent who went far out of my way to keep older S from sinking senior year. This included arranging a conference with his teachers, GC, head of his IB program. H and I were there, as was everyone else. S didn’t bother to show. Said he “didn’t realize” he was needed. </p>

<p>He managed to pass, keep his scholarships, get the IB diploma and then headed off to a college that he loved. He had a wonderful time there – with ECs. He also flunked out with an average of below 1.0.</p>

<p>When younger S ran into senioritis – including paralysis when it came to applying to colleges he said he wanted to go to – H and I took a hands off approach. S almost didn’t graduate from h.s. We learned he was graduating only a week before graduation. He never got around to applying to college senior year.</p>

<p>He did, though, manage to get an Americorps job in our city, which he had applied to on his own. He wanted to move away from home and have his own place, and I cheerfully pointed him to the classifieds. When he saw how much apartments cost, he decided to stay home and pay rent (something that we’d long told our boys they’d have to do if they weren’t in college fulltime but decided to live at home after high school).</p>

<p>We gave S the house rules for adults - which meant that out of courtesy, he’d let us know where he was going and when he’d return. I didn’t wake him up for work or anything like that (had not awakened him for high school either). </p>

<p>After our experience with older S, we had told younger S that if he messed up his senior year in high school, we wouldn’t pay for college unless he went to college for a full year and got decent grades – on his own dime. </p>

<p>So, son had to apply to college, etc. on his own dime and initiative. He fell in love with a LAC, which did give him merit aid, though he also had to take out big loans (H and I cosigned).</p>

<p>He’s now a happy sophomore with a solid B+ average while also working up to 14 hours a week and participating in volunteer work and productive ECs, including clubs in which he is an officer.</p>

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<p>fendrock. Agree:Only the final grade will show on the transcript. Not a final exam grade. But a final grade of D and/F might bring an inquiry.</p>

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<p>sax – if this d is like my d, she knows how to take things to the exact edge but not beyond into the area of true trouble.</p>

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<p>Yup. Hey, this could be a good trait in college those times you need to “just get by” due to time constraints…yeah, I know I’m grabbing at straws.</p>

<p>Northstarmom, too, makes great points as always.</p>

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<p>sax – yes, I try to look at the bright side of these things too – like “being good in social settings” can be an asset to a business career…:rolleyes:</p>

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<p>Linda,
I think my D is also beginning a premature senior slide. I am trying to take a hands off approach other than reminding her periodically that her beloved ED school could rescind her admission if her grades fall significantly. I agree with Northstarmom that this is “sink or swim” time, even though that is painful at times. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Funny that this should come up this morning. I just got an e-mail from d’s physics teacher that she has a warning for the quarter - I will have to try and take my own advice…</p>

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<p>Will bring an inquiry, might bring a yanking of the acceptance.</p>

<p>Being sick for such a long time takes a lot out of a person. Let’s hope that better health and a kick to the finish line will save the day…and your sanity.</p>

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<p>You’re not a bad mom. I assume you have had the talk with her re the consequence of bad grades and acceptances being rescinded. I had the talk with my slacker D and told her if that happens she will be living at home WITH ME going to CC and only getting use of car during week. My D also has the tendency to take things to the limit. I also asked her GC to talk to her. Good luck.</p>

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<p>My daughter did slack off her second semester but at least she told me she would the beginning of the semester. I would not call her slacker though because she might like the label.</p>

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<p>“I have learned the hard way that no matter what you do or say the only thing you can’t give your kid is drive but you can drive yourself nuts trying!”</p>

<p>Here, here.</p>

<p>I found the louder and more I talked the less she heard. Once I was no longer a daily presence (3000 miles away at school) it all seemed to fall into place. I still get the calls of “I have so much work to do, and not enough time!” but somehow it all gets done and she’s doing great. </p>

<p>Linda, I hope the same for your D.</p>

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<p>I think guidance from the parent is okay and can be productive as opposed to a hands-off silent approach. It depends on the kid, the parent, the ‘presentation’, and the issues.</p>

<p>When you discuss it with her, as I think you should, in a calm and rational way, what does she think the reasons are for the senior slide? What ‘course corrections’ does she think she can do to get back on track so as not to jeopardize her plans? What does she think will result if she doesn’t correct the issues? In other words, what’s her perspective on why she’s heading this way? Maybe she’ll think she has a teacher issue, a concentration issue, maybe her medical issues affected her performance more than anyone thinks, maybe she’s just tired of it all (true senioritis), etc.</p>

<p>You mentioned some bad grades but these aren’t final yet so maybe there’s a way to avoid getting a D/F as a final grade and have some real possibility of getting rescinded depending on the college. Your D needs to understand this and realize that if she continues and gets rescinded she’ll need to go with a plan B - whatever that is (going to a CC, etc.). She might be able to pull this one out. It’ll be a lot easier for her to take care of this now rather than have the repercussions later if she doesn’t.</p>

<p>And, if you were ‘a bad parent’ you never would have posted this here trying to steer your D to what you believe is the best path for her.</p>

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<p>Thanks, all.</p>

<p>I went back and looked at the grades. The final exam grade will not show up on the transcript. The lowest grade is a C minus. </p>

<p>Made an appt with doctor for a re check after antibiotics. </p>

<p>I have decided to wait until D sees her grades before mentioning anything. In all fairness, I do think I should give her a brief warning re college admission. I will try not to be longwinded.</p>

<p>The reality is odd because she has gone to the same school for the past 4 years and for the first 3, it was the perfect school. This year has been difficult for her, academically, and she seems less happy there. Had her first year there been like this one, I would have found another school.</p>

<p>Northstar, I do think she would be happier with a job but she had to quit her part time recently until summer.</p>

<p>I cannot help but feel a twinge of guilt over this. I am just not sure what sort of a role model I have been. I do some work at home, but not a whole lot. D knows I have a job and work during the day and knows I attended college. But really, much of the time when she is here, I am surfing the net, watching the tv, and hardly being a paragon of industriousness beyond folding laundry and vacuuming. Have I sent some message to her that this is all right? I WILL admit that once her college acceptance arrived, I was hugely relieved and perhaps stopped paying as much attention to the here and now of her current semester and courses. I feel that I have not sent the right message. I just don’t what I could have done differently. Frankly, after the past four years (and this is a very easy child, 99% of the time), I am just exhausted. I do know she has spent a lot of time this past year playing video games. </p>

<p>Will she pull this off and be successful?</p>

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<p>As a professor, I’ve come to the conclusion that some of the most successful college students are those that learned early on where to cut corners, how to wing it, and how to ‘get by’ without having a breakdown. Some of the most stressed kids I see are those who were extremely A+ in HS, always crossed all their ts, did everything beyond all others’ expectations… then they get to college and have no idea how to manage the firehose and freak at the idea of a B (let alone a C!). Learning to get by, wing it, and cut corners are great, and at times entirely necessary, skills for college. </p>

<p>I also know tons of kids who had to take some kind of break between HS and college (if not a physical withdrawal as in a GAP year, a psychological withdrawal as in being there without being there). For those kids, it seems necessary to come up with a creative break from it all so that they are able to go full steam into their new phase of life after graduation. They seem to do just fine once in college. It’s like their mind and body just knows it’s time to ‘rest’ before resuming. Sort of how we all need a weekend or a vacation to avoid burnout and be at our best. Or sort of like how we can all sleep near the edge of the bed and not fall out: I think most HS seniors know how to lie near the edge as needed (to the degree that is needed for them), but not fall out. </p>

<p>So I’d bet your D will do just fine.</p>

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<p>She seems to have been withdrawing from a lot of high school-like ideas and activities which previously she enjoyed; she really seems ready to move on. I went back and looked at my medical bills and I had forgotten how extensive her ongoing bronchitis has been, and that is a factor, I think, but not the only reason. </p>

<p>I believe she is just finding her way. </p>

<p>As a parent, though, it is difficult to navigate. I say to myself, “Yes, she may have average grades, but she has recently shown mature behavior in a difficult social situation, and that SPEAKS VOLUMES.” “She may not be a math student, but she is honest and is unwilling to compromise that.” “She may not agree with the religious beliefs of a campus organization, but she spent last weekend helping them with a project as she knew how to do something that none of the others knew how to.” </p>

<p>I trust the college will view her in this way. As someone more than a transcript. She is getting these average grades in fairly difficult courses, I should add.</p>

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<p>Senior year is hard. Some students take 5-6 APs.</p>

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<p>“But really, much of the time when she is here, I am surfing the net, watching the tv, and hardly being a paragon of industriousness beyond folding laundry and vacuuming.”</p>

<p>What’s wrong with that? One needn’t have nose to the grindstone all of the time. In fact, it seems that you could do with more activities that give you real joy in your life. You don’t seem to be doing much except work, household tasks and surfing the net. Your D is getting ready to fly the nest, and this can be an opportunity for you to delve into some new hobbies, friendships, etc. or rediscover some things you used to enjoy.</p>

<p>Since my younger S left home, to my surprise, I’ve developed artistic skills, something I never thought I had. I’ve gotten active in community theater and have become an avid photographer, even having a national magazine publish a picture.</p>

<p>Really, this can be a special time for you if you allow yourself to start paying attention to and exploring your own self and your own dreams and interests.</p>