<p>Maybe somebody has some advice for how I should handle this. My d. has slowly been revealing all fall the mean-spirited dimensions of her freshman roommate. During our car ride home for Thanksgiving, I have heard enough that I am getting really concerned. After the first week of school, the roommate stopped talking to my d. when they are in the room together. She re-arranged the furniture twice without telling my d. and when I went to visit during the Oct break, found d’s bed and desk practically shoved out into the hall. My d. puts up with it and says she doesn’t mind that much. Now the girl had made friends with all my d.'s hall friends and invites them for hot chocolate without including her. Goes to meals with them but doesn’t bother telling her they’re going. Etc. etc. How do you get your d., whose self-esteem is plummeting, to go ahead and say something to this girl? She won’t take the steps to change rooms at the end of the semester bec. she thinks she might lose the new hall friends she has made. She hasn’t shared any of this with any other friend she has made at school because she hasn’t made a trusting enough friendship yet to do that. How do I get her to talk to someone and not suffer in silence here? She says she feels the girl doesn’t like her (obviously) but she doesn’t know why. Yikes. Wish this stuff was left at high school. Thought college students were supposed to be over that!</p>
<p>I am so sorry your D is going through this. She needs to get the strength to talk to the RA about possibly changing rooms. At the end of 1st semester there usually is some movement. It is so hard to have your daughter in this situation. I would want to take action too. Try to look at it as a chance for your daughter to grow and learn how to deal with a difficult person. She could try to talk to the girl. What if she actually initiated something to do that includes this girl and her hall friends? Good Luck.</p>
<p>Has she talked to the RA about this at all? Her roommate is rather immature and exhibiting almost middle school behavior. Let D vent, and help her come up with a plan, starting with the RA.</p>
<p>I would definitely have your D speak to the RA about switching rooms. Obviously, the roommate is making a concerted effort to make your D feel uncomfortable for reasons that you may never know. My grown D had a roommate like this when she was in college. D was not particularly the outgoing type and mean roommate got D’s friends to take sides with her (don’t know what she was telling them). It was almost the exact situation as your D’s. D tried mediation through the school, but roommate would never admit she was doing anything “mean” and the only thing left was for D to switch rooms. The situation was much worse than I described, but I’ll spare you the details and advise that your D apply for a room change – maybe even in a different dorm/floor so that she can basically start over. My D never found out why.</p>
<p>I’d get her to get out of there asap. I remember in college realizing that my roommate (we shared the same friends) was a person I spent more time with than either my family or my friends all through HS (fortunately, she was nice). You are together -a lot-; your daughter should not have to suffer for any longer than possible. </p>
<p>I’d try to get the move in the works asap, and she could request being on the same floor (do any of her floor friends want to switch roommates? maybe your daughter could palm bad roommate off on one of roommates new friends & also keep her own friends?). Although acinva has great advice about ‘starting over’ fresh w/out the bad roommate in the mix.</p>
<p>The only piece of advice I gave a friend’s daughter when she went away to college this year was–“if your roommate is not working out–SWITCH. There is nothing wrong w/that.” New freshman don’t realize how possible this is.</p>
<p>Good luck to her!!</p>
<p>tia,
You know your D needs to apply to switch rooms. Your D is the sensitive type, and rm/mt is more of a bully. Being nice just won’t work.</p>
<p>Thank you, thank you, thank you all for showing an interest in this! It’s so frustrating to be a parent from this distance and witness it. I realize she has been trying to get her social bearings right all semester, as she knows she needs a network of people. But they are all still too shallow relationships for her to trust to be supportive. acinva, I agree - it has been an insidious and concerted effort on the roommate’s part since the year began. Wish my d. could talk to yours. My d. doesn’t like to make anyone mad at her, which is part of the reason she puts up with it. I wish she would unleash her temper on her - but she knows that would be a bad idea. Then they would all say my d. had emotional problems. It turns out this girl is very young for being a freshman. She just turned eighteen in October. Still, it doesn’t help to be understanding when the immaturity is affecting you. How do I convince my independent hard-headed kind and too tolerant daughter?</p>
<p>Maybe tell her that lots & lots of people switch? And paint a picture of how nice it would be to find a kinder, gentler roommate? I.e.-use peer influence (tons of people do it) & incentive.</p>
<p>
Does your d have a single one of these “hall friends” that she can talk to? To say, “It hurts when you come to my room and ignore me”? Or “Please let me know when you’re going to lunch; I’d like to join you”? Or even better - “Let’s go to dinner together on Thursday - I’ll meet you at 7”? Perhaps she needs to be more pro-active in this situation and seek out other people.</p>
<p>I’d hold back a bit on the “finding a kinder, gentler roommate”, though - there’s no guarantee that that’s what she’ll get just by switching rooms.</p>
<p>No one can take advantage of your d without her permission.</p>
<p>Jolynne Smith, et al. - if your d. was reluctant to talk to an RA what would you do? Do you think I could call and talk to one of them confidentially? My d. would be very upset with me if I did it behind her back and she found out. I think it’s worth worrying about. It sounds like a lot of you do too. It’s slow and torturous. My d. once told me that she actually talks to the girl when they are in the room just to hear herself tell about her day a little, even though the girl isn’t interested. I think she doesn’t bother doing that anymore. But it is so bizarre and unnatural to live that way.</p>
<p>Cross-posted with you, tia3 - Unless it’s something that’s dangerous, or the roommate is damaging your d’s possessions, I don’t think I would contact the RA. This, unfortunately, is something that your d needs to learn to deal with. When the pain of the situation outweighs her reluctance to get anyone else involved, she’ll do something. It’s her fight.</p>
<p>Perhaps you can feel your d out about a few things. “Is there anyone on your floor who you could ask to be your ally? Or talk to (the way I suggested above).” “No.” “So why is it so important that you continue to live on that floor? Do you think that letting your roommate get away with these things is going to improve your relationships with your hallmates?” Try to get her to see that there are more kids and more dorms and more situations for her to explore.</p>
<p>I like Chedva’s ideas–questioning the daughter so it doesn’t seem like you are dictating. </p>
<p>Agree–it’s tricky w/a near-adult. Even when you see what’s best…getting her to do it can be a challenge.</p>
<p>Would it work to tell a story of someone you knew who switched roommates & was much, much happier? (I’m sure you could find someone on CC who you could use as a truthful reference, if you didn’t know anyone personally!).</p>
<p>Ugh. Middle School all over again. Mean Girls.
Its nothing to do with the roomie being 18, since many kids turn 18 during their freshman year. Its who she is.</p>
<p>There is so much of the school year ahead, why spend it in misery. It affects schoolwork, exams, and general well-being. I know how your D feels though, she would be “the girl who couldn’t deal”. But she shouldn’t have to deal. </p>
<p>First of all, she needs to tell the roomie, very firmly, not to move her stuff around, and that the space has to shared in a fair manner. One kid cannot have all the windows, or closet, or whatever.</p>
<p>Secondly, I don’t think the new hall friends are really friends if they are participating in the exclusion of your D. She should try and organize an outing (lunch, museum, shopping, flea market) on a Saturday, and include hall friends, roomie, plus a few who are not in this group.</p>
<p>Thirdly, the roomie seems to be insecure, and doesn’t feel good about herself. Maybe D has already tried this, but if she hasn’t, offer her some cookies sent from home, or if she would like to work on a problem set together?</p>
<p>In any case, she should try and switch rooms. I agree with Acniva, that a floor change might be better than just a room change, especially if there is a group effort.</p>
<p>Tia3, I would not make direct contact with the RA and definitely not with other girls. It would be very embarassing for your D if word got out, she would be labelled as a Mommy’s girl or something. You say she is independent and hardheaded. Maybe then , its affecting you more than her? In any case, she is a big girl, offer suggestions, and then leave the choice to her.</p>
<p>Hi again. Sorry - I had posted the last one before I saw the recent responses. Yes, she has been spending a lot of time going to sorority events to possibly find one that will work for her when they Rush in January. She also says she will try to spend more time with a group that has been nice to her that lives at another end of the dorm. She does get out and do things frequently with these recent aquaintances. She absolutely does need to be pro-active. But I think that she has been spending too much time trying to fix her problem by going to such social events and the academics needs to be more of a priority. She needs to be brave enough to fix the problem at its source and switch rooms, I guess!</p>
<p>Chedva - I agree. Good suggestions and thank you. I will put those questions to her. I did ask her if there wasn’t at least one person she could discuss it with. I think she is embarrassed and doesn’t want the people who apparently like her roommate to think that something might be wrong with her (my d.) She definitely needs to pursue the other friends who are not on her hall. She has said she will be doing this, so I think she is trying to work through it. I won’t call an RA myself. But I will show her the room change procedure again. It is up to her - a growing experience, yes. I 'm just a little worried about it being a damaging one. Because I just worry too much.</p>
<p>I know of a young lady who had 2 roommates that were like this (they came in as friends). The young lady that I know was treated this way, and suffered in silence for an entire year. She ended up transferring!</p>
<p>Some people choose to stick it out with a bad roommate situation and just focus their lives elsewhere. It’s not always an unreasonable decision.</p>
<p>Although the OP’s daughter’s roommate is certainly being unfriendly, she does not seem to be doing any of the things that suggest that an immediate room change is urgently needed – such as stealing, threatening physical violence, damaging your daughter’s possessions, keeping illegal substances in the room, or having sex in your daughter’s presence or on her bed. She’s just being mean and petty. Your daughter could do worse – and might possibly do worse with a room change.</p>
<p>Okay, here is another example: My d. hears that the group is going to get breakfast. She decides to join them. She gets in the pancake line and happens to be standing behind the roommate. The roommate turns, sees her, and actually leaves the line and goes and stands somewhere else, in another line. I am just continuing to vent now, because I just felt like throwing that in there. She’s making my d. feel like she’s something she can’t even stand next to. My d. happens to have been blessed with being pretty. She’s clean. She is also very feminine. The girl is a completely opposite type. Now I am getting mad and I will cease my complaining. Maybe I will go to the thread for venting anonymously so I won’t do it any more here. You are all great and I appreciate your support so much. I’ll use the advice. Thanks again.</p>
<p>I know a girl who acts like that in HS…She’s just downright mean! I bet she’s telling the other girls that your D is clingy and follows her around. I am sure that is NOT the case, but from my experience, that’s what girls like her do to get attention/feel important.</p>
<p>I would seek a transfer. If that’s not possible, I would just firmly establish some rules/boundaries (possibly with the help of the RA), and then proceed to avoid/ignore the roommmate as much as possible.</p>
<p>Good luck to your D! What a frustrating situation!!</p>
<p>Life is too short and your daughter is too young to try and raise someone else’s teenager. Your daughter needs to take some sort of action and, as a parent, you need to motivate her. Do not call her RA as that could do more harm than good. As an adult non-student, you should contact the housing dept. and speak to the housing director or an assistant housing director. They are professionals who have probably dealt with this type of situation before. Your last post interested me as I know a girl just like you are describing (she currently attends NYU) and , although her behavior remains a mystery to me, after meeting her parents and witnessing the highly dysfunctional interaction among them, I determined that it was something beyond most persons ability to deal with and to just stay, or get, away. Also of concern is that your daughter may be experiencing a mild type of self esteem destroying shell shock. Ask the housing director to get your daughter away from this situation. In light of the recent tradgedy at your daughter’s school, the housing office may be quite sensitive to the situation and be very willing to help out.</p>