Need Advice: freshman daughter suffering in silence w/ mean roommate!

Parent Cafe
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<p>So true, icy–I feel the same…life is to short to suffer! If someone is rude – leave & go elsewhere. I tell my kids that all the time.</p>

<p>Some girls (& women) seem to find that the best way to make new friends is to target someone else so you can rally around your dislike of an outsider. I never even thought about this until a (grown!) woman told me that’s how she usually made friends (!!!). Just distasteful. Distance is always the best answer to dysfunction, in my exper.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>Tia3 - I think icy9ff8 gave you excellent advice. It’s important for your daughter to handle the situation herself, just point her in the right direction. I remember people switching rooms when I first started college - and their reasons were not nearly as serious. One guy switched roommates because his roommate was a neatfreak and he couldn’t deal with it. Another guy switched on the first day of school because his roommate told him he didn’t want him bringing any friends into the room. Your daughter’s situation is much more serious. There is nothing wrong with switching rooms/floors/dorms - people do it all the time. Good luck!</p>

<p>BTW, I don’t think anyone minds you venting.</p>

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<p>tia - this sounds exactly like my d’s old roommate right down to the furniture moving and junior high mean girl nonsense and my daughter not wanting to leave her hallmates. What a nightmare that one was. Our evil roomie was very ‘emo’ as my d puts it and a pathological attention-seeker. She and her ‘gang’ even mocked my d for washing and drying her hair before going to class. My d couldn’t make a move without derisive put downs. </p>

<p>All of these tactics you describe are this girl trying to lower your d’s self esteem to her own very low level. Your d needs to get out now. Things were so rough for ldgirl by the end of semester, she could hardly focus on final exams and you don’t want that. Haven’t read every suggestion, but has your d thought of trading rooms with one of this roommate’s friends in the same dorm? Chances are who ever she would end up would be a better fit.</p>

<p>(Btw…I wonder why this always seems to happen freshman year too. Perhaps the trauma of leaving home activates the evil nutjob gene in some of these kids. My d’s roommate this sophomore year is a delight, her hallmates are wonderful and she is having a polar opposite experience…thank goodness!)</p>

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<p>Exactly ldmom! </p>

<p>Tia3: It is practically impossible to win someone like that over…They are pros at psychological manipulation.</p>

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<p>She should switch rooms. She doesn’t have to go to war with the roommate, and she doesn’t have to say anything bad about the roommate, other than it’s not a good fit. I think the roommate will be happy for her to leave.</p>

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<p>My D is an entirely normal girl with tons of friends & not shy at all and she got two girls who were already friends as her roomies in a triple; her year was miserable in that her room never was a “safe” place. You all know how bad three girls can be anyway!</p>

<p>D did not want to give up, she wanted to try to make it work, even worse the two girls were a different race and that factored in both in their pursuits and Ds feeling even more strongly she ought not switch rooms. She survived the year, but the next fall when she had a friend as a roomie she realised she should have moveed out ASAP</p>

<p>Run, don’t walk, to request a room switch, no one in college should have eto deal with that juvenile, middle school nonsense.</p>

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<p>On a practical level, You can help download a form requesting rm/mt switch. While D home, encourage her to complete form and send it in.</p>

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<p>When my d went through this garbage in Middle School it was awful. One thing that helped my D was the book Queen Bees and Wannabees- its about HSschoolers and Middleschoolers, but the mentality seems to be the same for some jerky college girls</p>

<p>For my Ds, reading that book showed that it wasn’t my Ds with the problems, but the immature, childish girls </p>

<p>My D would walk into the gym, stand by her “friends” and en masse, they would walk away- it was like some sort of bird flight thing</p>

<p>My D didn’t even want to go to the games at the gym, but she did…she decided not to let those awful girls control her life, and she had to let go of her expecations from them and those old friendships- that was tough, but also really empowering</p>

<p>For my D, it was keeping as busy as possible, not walking around feeling wounded (she was, but she didn’t want those 'people" to “win”) and being brave to find new better more interesting friends </p>

<p>We had nicknames for them, so when D had something come up, she just called them the ITS (from the old movie about nucleur ants)…humor, taking back your life, realizing that pretty much no matter what you do, that girl is going to make comments, so why not stand up for yourself- get your room space back, find new friends and acquaintences, stay busy, and do well just to spite them</p>

<p>A roommate situation can be really rough, but what D needs to do is pretend those girls don’t exist, they are invisible to her, they have no power, no control, no say in Ds happiness Unless D allows them to- she shouldn’t be rude, that gives the other girls “ammunition”, she should be bubbly, friendly, and open to new possibilities</p>

<p>The OPs D needs to take back control of her own life- get the room back to at least 50/50 and step up for herself, while looking to transfer</p>

<p>She needs to just fix the room to the way it was when it was fair, and if the roommate is mad, who cares? </p>

<p>Girls need to learn to not be so weak for fear of upsetting someone…</p>

<p>Ask D what is the worst thing that could happen if she starts with setting room back up to the way that is fair…the roommate ignores her? already there, her “friends” act jerky? already there</p>

<p>At least then, her room would be a place to be…and D needs to hold her ground until she gets a transfer if that is what she wants</p>

<p>SO, mom, go get that book- it was a lifesaver for my D…She went back to school after that weekend of reading that book fealing confident, strong and in a way sorry for those girls who were so immature and hadn’t changed at all</p>

<p>And OP- your D needs to see beyond those few girls and see all the world has to offer her…and shift her expectations from trying to befriend people that she probably doesn’t even like (who would like mean jerky immature harsh twits anyway) and get super involved in all she can</p>

<p>Good luck and once D realizes she is in control (and part of that control is looking into transferring and being proactive- sometimes you can’t fix a bad situation- and that you need to move on- but part of that moving on is strenghthing yourself)</p>

<p>And when you take care of yourself and let go of some expectations and garbage in your life, magical things can happen- doors open, friendships in other arenas blossom, and she will come across as a happier healthier person</p>

<p>A small example: when my D was going through the times with the mean girls, she had them all as friends on Instant Messenger- she would say hi, they would either ignore her or say BRB…then my D would think- oh, they are talking about me, and it was so sad and frustrating for her to see all their little screen names right there, all signed on, but ignoring my D</p>

<p>Something as simple and deleting all their names from her list of friends was so freeing- she didn’t see them signed on, and after awhile, she didn’t think about them</p>

<p>Another time, my D knew the head mean girl would stare at her in class, my D would look away…so the mean girl had her “power”…I suggested to D to smile back the biggest smile she could muster, and then if possible, talk to the person next to her…for my D it was amazing- it took away the sense of control the mean girl thought she had, put my D in the drivers seat, and my D saw that she really didn’t care WHAT the mean girls did…they were nothing to her…and my D was seen as happy, smiling and attractive to other classmates…and that smiling and laughing, maybe forced at first became more and more natural</p>

<p>If OPs D lets go of wanting anything from her roommate and these girls, beside common courtesy, she will feel real freedom</p>

<p>D needs to pass them by, say hi, but move on…give them a big smile and a wave…and then continue talking to whomever she is with…but don’t expect anything back whatsoever…the smile and wave shows she isn’t all that the roomie says she is, that smile and laughing with other hallmates shows the D is a nice, fun, easy person…</p>

<p>and pretty soon, I can guarantee you, many of the hallmates will see right through the awful roommates games, and she will have her little clique of friends, while OPs D will have an amazingly rich life</p>

<p>One last thought- ask D “do you really want to be friends with girls who havenlt grown any since 7th grade”</p>

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<p>wow - thank you for these! I think I am going to have my d. read some of these posts. She knows I have turned to this board in the past and laughs about it - oh, Mommy, on that message board again… my wise cyber friends. I’ll get back to you how it goes over!</p>

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<p>Definitely be there for her to talk to, but don’t get involved. Learning to deal with difficult people is important. Great for her to go find other groups that roomie isn’t involved with.</p>

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<p>Something I want to add:</p>

<p>If D smiles, doesn’t make a big drama of the switch, smiles, appears happy and in control, whatever her stupid roommate is saying will lose lots of its power</p>

<p>It was rough for my D…she heard about parties, get togethers, etc. However, when she really thought about what she was missing, what those girls were really like, and stepping back, she realized they weren’t really people she liked or needed in her life</p>

<p>And because D smiled, and was friendly, to other kids- a couple of the mean girls who were “borderline” hung around more for convienence then really liking the mean girls, well, they became friends once again with my D- not the bestest of friends, or girls my D trusted with secrets, that was gone, but she knew these girls were growing up a little bit and D could sit with them at lunch or chat at the mall and it wasn’t awful any more</p>

<p>Your D will be fine- she is coping, but she needs to find ways to shine</p>

<p>Sometimes life is messy, and ugly, but the best people learn and grow from that…and others, well, like the roommate, create the ugly, and all you can do is think- Karma</p>

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<p>momma bear, first you can’t fight your D battles. Second, there is no battle for your D to fight. It simply comes down to this, why waste one second of your time worrying about what some flake and if they “like” you or not?</p>

<p>Your D is giving them possession of her life everytime she lets their childish behavior effect her. The reason they do it? because it effects your D and they know it… how to make them unhappy, don’t let em effect you.</p>

<p>Ask for a room change at break, and move on… there are more than five kids at this college, time for your D to meet some new ones.</p>

<p>Also though your D feels hurt by being left out… it’s no one’s job to ask your D to join or do anything. If she sits back and waits for an invatation… it’s going to be a poor college experience… The best advice at both schools my kids attended was simply “DO”. Go do things, join clubs, take in plays, watch sports. DO, don’t wait for an invite… Most shy kids figure out college is what they make of it and they simply decide not to be so shy…</p>

<p>One thing to point out is maybe if D was involving herself with activities on campus (and I don’t know of a campus that doesn’t have alot going on) she’d be too busy to give a rat’s ass about a couple of floor mates…</p>

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<p>to me it seems like your daughter is lacking confidence, why doesn’t she just stand up to the girl and tell her that she will not be mistreated. Switching rooms to find a easier going roommate just conceals the self esteem issues. Tell your daughter to try to have guts and courage and stand up to the jerk. We’ve all dealt with degeneracy before and there is only one way to deal with bullies, be a bully right back.</p>

<p>I’m sure many will bash me and attempt to say everything is all hunky dory once you switch rooms but running from your issues is not the way adults should deal with their problems.</p>

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<p>Give your D advice and listen but any changes need to come from her. One thing I have learned over the last year is that when we do things for our children that they can do for themselves we are not doing them a favor. We may feel like we are helping but we are silently sending the message that they are not capable of solving their own problems.</p>

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<p>D’s freshman roommate was very similar - the moving of furniture, telling her she couldn’t have anyone in the room without prior permission, etc. D also didn’t like to argue, and loved her floormates. She stuck it out. It wasn’t a good situation, but she wanted to stay with her friends, who have continued to be her friends. At least they saw through the roommate. D and friends all moved together for second year, and roommate couldn’t find anyone who would live with her in a different dorm. What went around came around. Roommate had only 2 “friends” on the floor, while D was friends with everyone. I didn’t agree with D’s decision back then, but it turned out fine in the end. D still is very close to her friends, so she read the situation right. Your D, however, has no support on the floor at all, so she should move. She has no one to try to salvage as a friend. Let the roommate hang herself. She will. Once D is gone, she will have to treat someone else this way, or she won’t be happy, so floormates, watch out! It will be interesting how D will rise in everyone’s estimation once the other girls find out just what roommate is really like.</p>

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<p>Life is too short to waste energy on this roommate & those petty floormates who seem to follow her lead. Your D is being ostracized. I’d encourage her to switch, but in the meantime, make a point to bring the friendly girls from the other side of the dorm around to her room often. Perhaps if the roommate sees your D functioning & making friends, D won’t be seen as such a pushover. The roommate will no doubt look for an easier target to bully & humiliate.</p>

<p>Uri is correct that there may be underlying self esteem problems that have allowed your D to be left out & taken advantage of by the roommate. Those issues will have to be addressed, for sure. But adults have the refuge of home after “doing battle” in the work world. Your D has no place to recharge, & I think a switch would do her a world of good. She has to stand her ground every day they remain roommates, though. Every time she backs down or remains quiet to avoid confrontation will only feed this roommate’s need to bully.</p>

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<p>I don’t think its about self esteem- that word makes me crazy- my D had no self esteem issues and was bullied…and that bully can lead to feeling poorly about yourself and getting caught in the quicksand of bullies, so its easy to stay in that place, or work your way back </p>

<p>I didn’t approach my D with an attitude of self asteem issues- that is not useful- for me, it was, </p>

<p>"you are amazing, and those girls are jerks, plain and simple</p>

<p>You all got along fine, and then whammo, its like someone slugged you in the stomach, is playing games, and is immature and silly</p>

<p>You, dear D, are not immature, or silly like that, and there is nothing you are doing or saying that deserves this kind of treatment…maybe you are too nice sometimes, and just not expecting this kind of behavior from other women, so maybe let things slide you shouldn’t have, but I know you are strong, have it together, and will move forward with new friends easily."</p>

<p>My D had a lot of self confidence, she was just shocked by the poor behavior of those mean girls- it came out of the blue, seemed at the time anyway</p>

<p>Looking back, it was not out of the blue- and my D looks back and is kind of mad at herself for not seeing at the time how awful they could be to others</p>

<p>Maybe it was the fact she was a nice, pretty, smart, fun girl who didn’t like game playing that caused them to shun her like that</p>

<p>So no, its not always about self confidence, or self esteem…its about cruel people taking advantage and sometimes nice people not wanting to create drama letting stuff slide</p>

<p>So OP- when talking to your D, maybe approach it like I did, it was amazing!!</p>

<p>And again, the BOOOK!! Its good for mom to read as well…we can’t fix other idjets, but we can adjust our behavior and expectations and know that WE are NOT the ones with the problems…its the giant ants who have been wallowing in the nuclear bombsite who try and stomp all over others…but are actually pretty much just a bunch of ants who just have a few friends, but want to rule all, but always lose in the long run and pretty soon others see them for what they are, and meantime, you haved moved past even caring much about them…and that is an amazing feeling</p>

<p>So, if D starts referring to them as ITS, or THEM or whatever, already there power dimishines- not calling them names to anyone else, but just in conversation with mom and to herself- to others D needs to be perky, and smiling, and friendly and charming, and all the things mom knows she is…and she will draw good, kind people to her</p>

<p>D needs to let go of the drama, the pain, the hurt from the roomie- </p>

<p>I think over the weekend, just let D read these posts, give her the book, and let her know you are ready whenever she is…but don’t make the weekend the focus of this…</p>

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<p>I agree, it may indeed be factual that some people can just be mean. However, you should familiarize your kids with “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” It is a very important lesson of life to stand up to bullies. Whether in k-12, college, the work place, a bully needs to be stood up to and put in their place. I have not personally been bullied in college, But I see it happening all the time and I get in there and that your crap is not going to be tolerated. It works everytime.</p>

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<p>My D had a terrible roommate for the 1st semester of her freshman year. I could go on and on, but what the roommate said basically says it all… “I know I’m a ***** and I just don’t care”. She went out of her way to exclude my daughter, criticize her, invite people into the room and my daughter’s bed, etc. My D didn’t bother talking to the RAs because she knew it wouldn’t make any difference. This roommate really had the need to have someone to look down on. There really are some miserable kids out there. It was so, so hard to hear about it.</p>

<p>My D made an effort to find other friends, and did, but still transferred to another dorm after the 1st semester. She made all the arrangements on her own and I was very proud of her - it was such a big step on her part. She ended up transferring after freshman year anyway, but learned a lot and made friends whom she still keeps in touch with.</p>

<p>I think that your D should move to another dorm to get out of the whole pecking order that’s developed. Maybe a dorm with a living learning community, or a special interest dorm, or?? If it’s a large school it’s pretty easy to do this, and there is often a computer database where students can match up with others looking for roomates. It would probably be best if she keeps it quiet until moveout day, then gives her roommate a big surprise (oh, by the way, I’m moving out this afternoon). It gives the message that she’s the one making the choice.</p>

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<p>CGM, your D’s situation is quite different. In fact, you state, “Looking back, it was not out of the blue- and my D looks back and is kind of mad at herself for not seeing at the time how awful they could be to others.” Your D became the target of girls who she assiciated with, perhaps oblivious to their nastyness – perhaps not. (SOmetimes girls hang with the nasties because they are safe from their awful treatment. At least for a while, as your D found out.) It’s great that your D is now choosing a better crowd, but the OP’s D did not choose this roomie & her weak-willed floormates. The OP’s D has been dumped into a bad situation not of her choosing. Your D made a bad choice of friends. This girl had no choice. But standing up to this jerk immediately, not allowing her to move the furniture around, etc., is essential. It will make any remaining time they spend together less stressful & the D can walk away knowing she wasn’t treated like a doormat.</p>