Need Advice: freshman daughter suffering in silence w/ mean roommate!

Parent Cafe
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<p>To be honest, I don’t think this roommate sounds ‘mean’ or ‘nasty’. She rearranged the furniture without permission, went out to eat with hallmates, had hot chocolate. It’s wonderful when you have a roommate who makes an effort to befriend you, but I don’t think you should expect a roommate to automatically include your daughter for meals and the like. At the least, this roommate sounds a bit immature, perhaps simply inconsiderate of other’s feelings, or perhaps just prefers the company of others. In a worst case scenario, the roommate is making a conscious effort to bully your D and exclude her from social activities. Without more information, it’s hard for me to tell what end of the spectrum the roommate falls in. </p>

<p>In any case, this roommate is not verbally abusing your daughter, making her life hell, or directly harming her. Maybe you should encourage your daughter to take this chance to speak up for herself, a skill she’ll need much later in life. True, she can switch to a new, kinder roommate, and she’ll probably feel better for it. But then what happens when she gets a job and a colleague takes credit for her work? People like roommate are always going to exist, and they get a lot worse than ‘pushes around furniture and leaves D behind’.</p>

<p>Tell your daughter to tell her roommate this - ‘I liked our furniture the way it was before you moved it around. How about we move it back?’</p>

<p>Or - “Hey, give me a call the next time you go out with the others for a cup of hot chocolate”</p>

<p>See if the roommate agrees. If she does, all’s well. If she promises ‘OK’ but then still refuses, then you might consider transfer. It may simply be an issue of the roommate being the kind of person who is not truly a bad apple, but simply finds nothing wrong with ‘walking over’ a roomie who allows herself to be walked over.</p>

<p>Perhaps roommate never asked your D to go out for lunch together, but did your D propose a lunch date with her roomie, on the flip side?</p>

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<p>I never said not to stand up, indeed, if you read my posts, you will see that is what I said the D needs to do!!!</p>

<p>My D went to a very small school and this was her whole world at that point</p>

<p>The similarities are closer than you want to see stickshock- the attitude of mean girls is pretty much universal and how you deal with that is the same-
stand up for yourself, don’t lose yourself in their garbage, move beyond them, emotionally and physically</p>

<p>Check out my posts, please, and you will see that I said, she needs to get that room back to what is fair and to do it right away…</p>

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<p>Hi . Back again. Well, amb3r, that’s just the thing that makes the situation tricky. I disagree that the girl isn’t mean or nasty. When you hand out mugs to other people in front of someone you know doesn’t have one and constantly send messages this way, you’re mean. (and oh yes, I’ll be buying her mugs this weekend!) The furniture was not just moved around without D.'s input, it was moved so that D’s furniture is almost out in the hallway. I saw it in October. It is definitely a statement made. Believe me, considering the size of the room, it was amazing to see how much of it the girl thought she could take to create a nice space for herself and manage to get D’s bed & desk practically hanging out the door. She made the quiet statement of putting her name in huge letters all over any snacks she had brought into the room, as well, just to make sure things were clear. All kinds of immature other stuff, as well. Her method is to make these statements quietly and not communicate verbally. This is someone who won’t look up when D. enters the closet size room, never speaks when they are in the room together, consistently leaves, in fact, as soon as my D enters the room. So right that my D. could have asserted herself with what should have been outrage initially and demanded a change back to her rightful 50 percent of the room. True, the girl doesn’t call her names, bring guys in there, etc. But her behavior is cold and insidious and not normal and it’s, well, not an experience my D has ever had before to know how to deal with. My D. does invite the girl to go along if she and her friends are doing something, because she says she thinks it’s only polite and normal to do that. My D. once told me that she talks to the girl and tells her a few things, just to hear herself talk in the quiet room! Until she is away from the situation, she is trying to make it tolerable. My D. hasn’t yet read the posts here that I find so kind and helpful because it’s been so busy at home and I’m trying not to let this problem dominate our conversations. But she will read them before she goes back. Last night she told me she gets unexplainably sad sometimes. I reminded her that living with this person wouldn’t help her deal with that exactly and could actually be the reason! She says now that she plans to tell her that she thinks they should try to be “friends” and wants to reach out to her more that way. For some reason my D. actually feels sorry for meanspirited people and doesn’t want me to criticize them too much. She used to be this way about a cold-hearted teacher. Personally, I think she needs to get out of there and will show her the form to attempt it, but I can’t make her solve her problem the way I would like. Maybe reading these posts will persuade her that the girl will not respond to more kind gestures. So far, she hasn’t. Because, that could mean she could end up losing her 3/4 of the room. </p>

<p>I also learned that most of the “friends” on the hall have already paired up now for next year’s roommate and my D. - not surprisingly, I guess - is afraid to ask one of them in case they don’t really want to be her roommate. So, already she is feeling unsure that anyone at all would want her as a roommate. She didn’t feel that way in August! She also has realized that they all want to stay together and if she was with one of them next year, it would be the same group in a dorm. So she’s looking seriously at rushing for a sorority, which is a game that has its whole other set of potential petty issues to deal with. She is also planning to make a point to reach out more to some girls who were nice who don’t live near her hall. </p>

<p>So right that this is life and the workplace, etc. has many selfish characters. I just want to see her get to the other side of this issue so she can concentrate on her work and enjoy college. I don’t want her to let herself be walked on - or ever again change out of a cute Halloween costume because some girl comes up and says “Hey, would you mind being something different, because my friend is being a cat already.” Where do these immature selfish people come from? Just thought college students were beyond that. But, whatever. Once she finds out she can fix the problem on her own, as she wants to do, she’ll be much better off. She just has to do it.</p>

<p>BTW - Happy Thanksgiving to everyone on CC!</p>

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<p>Please keep venting here, not to her; and with her emphasize that she has CHOICES rather than lay out a plan of how to fix this.</p>

<p>She could go to her RA for advice. She could try her friendly moves that she believes in, even if you aren’t so sure. She could request a room change WHILE doing all the other things, sort of multi-task it. It’s not an “either-or” for the coming weeks.</p>

<p>Right now, though, if she doesn’t act in fprceful tone with this roommate she risks displeasing you, and that’s not healthy for her self-esteem either. She needs the mom-message that she’s handling things as well as can be expected with a difficult challenge. </p>

<p>If you let her take the lead, no matter what happens with the roommate she can strengthen her inner core, simply because she’s the lead agent for figuring out what and how to do things.</p>

<p>Any of us can wear ourselves down trying to be “nice” to a mean person. Perhaps you can ask her how long she thinks it’s worth trying for, given that she has tried this in the past as well. Maybe encourage her to give it a week with her idea, but then if there’s not even a glimmer of change, then evaluate it and move into the roommate switch efforts. </p>

<p>Just keep her in charge of the program, is all I’m suggesting.</p>

<p>She sounds like a lovely girl who’d be a great roommate. She got a piece of bad luck here, and that’s something she should understand. It was a random assignment. Keep her spirits high.</p>

<p>My S switched mid-freshman year because of an alcoholic roomnate and drunk parties in the room that destroyed property. He was so much happier second term with a decent roommate! He made all the decisions and moves himself. He chose not to let me in on how bad it was until after it was fixed (classic boy behavior); then I heard a few stories. It’s hard for you because you’re hearing about it, unresolved.</p>

<p>You haven’t indicated any obstacle to her moving rooms, which is good. In some schools, they really don’t want kids to change. So that’s on your side.</p>

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<p>I’m just a little worried that it doesn’t bother her enough to have taken more of a stand yet. I don’t want her to feel I’m displeased and send her that message, though. You’re right - she wants to be the one to do it and taking charge for herself is the only way it should be done. I would love for her to strengthen her inner core! She’s so lucky she’s not in one of those really bad scenes with the alcohol and overnight visitors and all that I hear so often. I know that. This will teach her so much, handling this. Thanks.</p>

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And your daughter did??? I think this problem goes further than a nasty roommate - your d needs to grow a backbone! My d is also very empathetic, hates to offend anyone, and tries to be the peacemaker (her GC thought she should become a diplomat!). But at this she would have said, “There’s more than one cat in the world. Sorry.”</p>

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From others who let them be walked on. Why not? What has that person got to lose? It’s not in my d’s nature to do that, but it’s also not in her nature to be a doormat.</p>

<p>Sorry, I don’t mean to sound harsh - I know this is hard on your d. But it sounds like she’s feeding into it, and until she stands up for herself, this scenario will simply repeat itself.</p>

<p>It also sounds like it’s harder on you than on her. When it’s bad enough for her, she’ll do something about it. Until then, encourage her, support her, and then let it go. There’s nothing else you can do.</p>

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<p>tia, I sent a PM to you. I hope you find it helpful.</p>

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<p>I’m going to play devil’s advocate here… sorry, in advance. It sounds like the roommate does not LIKE your daughter. Who knows why? There may not be a logical reason, but let’s assume that the roommate just does not care for your daughter. It is possible for two people to live together who do not particularly like each other! The big mistake is to try to be friends, and to continue to ask (and be rebuffed) in social situations. Far better to accept that you are not friends, just cohabitating a small space. Stop trying to be sociable with roommate, and find friends outside of the dorm hall. If it were me, I would go to roommate and say, “Hey, I know that we don’t get along particularly well, but we need to work things out so we can share this space fairly. This is what I think is fair…what do you think.”<br>
If you look at it from the roommate’s perspective (just hypothetically. And I know that the roommate may be a real witch! :frowning: ), maybe she’s permanently annoyed that this person that she doesn’t like (because she’s too nice? too pretty? too Christian? too conventional? too unconventional? wears make-up? doesn’t wear make-up? reminds her of arch-enemy? who konws why) keeps muscling in on her social time. Think back to your childhood. Did anyone ever tag along with you, when you really didn’t want to be around them?<br>
Better to have lower expectations of the dorm experience. If you can share space civilly, then that is something. Find social space and friends away from the dorm, and never count on a roommmate to be more than a cohabitant.
(And, that being said, my condolences to your daughter. It must be hard…)</p>

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<p>If you agree with Chedva’s take, that she needs to learn ways not to get walked on (now and in the future), perhaps there are some books on the subject. Those easy-read, one-topic books in Barnes and Noble about self-help and pop psychology. You don’t have to dig deep here.</p>

<p>My D and I love a multi-hour bookstore stop together. We rarely buy these types of books, but enjoy scanning the newest titles while sitting on the floor or a chair if there is one.</p>

<p>If she’s agreeable, suppose you offer to research it together, and share thoughts from different books while in the store, followed by a treat-snack at the mall. Let her show you more than you show her. Let her even just see there are books on the topic of social relations! Be very gentle and supportive. If you see she’s getting involved in it, slide sideways to research some different topics that you’ve been curious about in social relationship books, just to take the hyperfocus off of her and the situation. Become her resource, not her coach. </p>

<p>That’s helpful and quite different than buying her books about the topic!!</p>

<p>Knowledge is power! Good luck; she’s growing and struggling, but you just don’t want her to have to struggle endlessly. Good for you.</p>

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<p>I have not read the whole thread but I kind of agree with Chedva. My DD used to be very sweet and she got bullied in school a couple times. I had to call the principal to complain. Fastforward, she is getting more assertive but still sweet, tactful, and sensitive. She learned to be friend with her enemy. She calls them “frienemy”. She keeps them close so they won’t hurt her or won’t spread false rumours about her (eventhough she has nothing to worry). She learns to deal with them without letting me walk all over her.</p>

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<p>Tia, your mailbox is full, clear your PMs :)</p>

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<p>Oops, I meant without letting them her friends walk all over her. My eyesight is getting bad. I need another LASIK surgery.:)</p>

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<p>Hi again. Have had a chance to show my D. some of the posts here and talk about her moving out. She is insisting that the roommate is not a “bully” and says she thinks that she is just ill-adjusted socially and doesn’t know how to verbally confront or communicate with another person. She reasons that it is such a small room that she would have a hard time doing much else with it (almost true - but this is a big rationalization) and says that if she did move out, it would cause a big stir and the whole floor & everyone she knows there would be wanting to know why. Says that since she feels the other girls (my D’s own friends) like the roommate, it would be very difficult to explain and awkward. So, she says she wants to try for a little while longer and will do something if the girl’s making her “feel like she’s living alone” still gets to her. </p>

<p>She has, by the way, read an article or two on self-esteem and described one to me, actually, on the ride home, which warns of the problem of being too eager to make friends and, therefore, diminishing your friend-appeal. </p>

<p>My D. has no intention of being treated like a door-mat, she says. Claims that she could confront this girl if she chose to and even yell at her, if she wanted, but chooses not to. She doesn’t believe that her choosing to change her Halloween costume was unwarranted, because, well, she had been that the night before and didn’t mind (although she admits she wouldn’t have asked someone else to do that). I can’t argue my point or the opinions of many other posters without going too far past her tolerance zone. So, at her request, I am backing off. She is accepting the information and room-change instructions, though!</p>

<p>So, thanks again to everyone here who certainly supported my own worries. It’s great to hear of other kids with lousy roommates who are now history and can help some freshmen and freshmen parents feel they aren’t the only ones with such complicated issues.</p>

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<p>Sound like your D has it under control…Good for her! Sometimes what we need most in less-than-perfect situations is to be able to vent to someone who will listen and is sympathetic to our situation. Good job for being there and supporting your D, mom!</p>

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<p>Sometimes we parents only hear the worst of it, and even that may be slightly exaggerated during the venting process - don’t we all sometimes get wound up during ventings - “And then do you know what he did??” - and add things to the list of complaints that really didn’t bother us all that much?</p>

<p>Your d sounds like a wonderful, mature young adult. If she believes that she does have the capacity to stand up for herself, then she will when the timing is right for her.</p>

<p>It’s so hard when our roles change, isn’t it? But you have obviously done a wonderful job raising a wonderful child. Now just repeat after me: “This, too, shall pass. This, too, shall pass.” Enjoy the rest of your Thanksgiving with her!</p>

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<p>Good morning, curiousmother and Chedva. Just want you to know I read your posts. THANK YOU!!</p>

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<p>Chedva, that is so true. Kids need someone to dump on, and vent their frustrations. My D will be annoyed about something, possibly only mildly annoyed, but when she is telling me the story, I am thinking that she is VERRRRY angry. So I offer her solutions, ideas, then 2 days later ask her what she did, and she sighs ,“Gosh, mom, its not such a big deal.”</p>

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<p>^So true. I learned that this year. My D just needed to vent. Being an engineer I was thinking of solutions/suggestions how to solve her problem, instead of just listenning to her frustrations. :)</p>

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<p>Talk to the Community director and ask for a transfer for next semester. No sense suffering for another semester. Tell her what your daughter told you…she has nothing to lose by asking for a transfer. Some girls are just bullies…and some want to push out the roommate to have the room to themselves.</p>