Need advice. I think my daughter is smoking pot and need advice about 'the conversation'.

Parent Cafe
1

Hi all,

I am new to this forum and am glad to have found it.

My daughter is 19. With the introduction of a new boyfriend, I’ve noticed some changes, most notably her not really worrying about her appearance and skipping showers. Also several times she’s come home with eyes half open and while not giggly high, something is amiss. Add to that finding clear eye drops in her dorm, her roommate having a dab pen and her stating that she didn’t mind having a smoking roommate (my daughter is completely against cigarettes), finding vape cartridges and her boyfriend appearing high at one dinner, I feel very concerned.

I should add, I have never tried drugs, but my ex is an addict and my daughter is aware.

I have already started a conversation, I told her that I had some concerns that she was smoking pot and that if she was, her brain was still developing and that it would adversely affect her in her life and her studies. She is aware that we made a move across the country for her to go to her selected school and we’ve already incurred considerable debt. I told her that she was probably feeling attacked and that I would give her some think about what I had said and we would speak again later, but she did say that she thought what she did or didn’t do was none of my business as she is 19. I did tell her that her well being would always be my business. She went on Spring Break right after the conversation with her boyfriend and his mom for a week and will be home tomorrow.

I have read articles about how to approach a difficult subject. I know my daughter will react with anger first and will likely tell her boyfriend to come and get her so I need to know how to prevent that from happening rather than having to make her come home.

The things in my favor are that the boyfriend lives with his mom and I have some hope that if I tell the other mom that she is not to house my child, that she will respect that HOWEVER, there is some possibility that the mom is allowing the pot smoking in her home so I am not entirely sure what the reaction will be.

My biggest fears are that my child will hurt herself, run to the boyfriend’s house, that she will drop out of school,

With the covid-19 a threat and living with people with compromised autoimmune diseases, I do have some leverage about her staying home for two weeks but I know my daughter well enough to know I need to tread kindly while being effective or she will leave as she feels very confident that she has a place to go.

I am feeling like I can confidently call the mother and let her know my fears and ask her if she knows that my daughter is smoking.

I need advice about the conversation with my daughter, about expectations I should have, and rules I can set, about whether I should drug test her.

Thanks in advance for all and any advice.

2

You moved across the country to follow your daughter to college? You may have some bigger issues.

3

How are her grades? Is she working? Is it legal where she is living now?

4

Sorry, not a complete explanation, moved due to divorce, job opportunity, moving closer to family support system as well as school choice.

5

Grades are good at the moment. She’s not working but has recently applied for jobs. It is not legal in our state.

6

I would tell her that you respect she is an adult but then she has to accept the consequences of her own actions. I would tell her you expect her to get a job and that you will not financially contribute to purchase of drugs. Also, remind her that although it is legal in some states, it is NOT legal in your state which could end up with her expulsion from school, loss of job (after she gets one), or jail time.

Perhaps talking to her about why she is choosing to self medicate with pot might be a good step as well. Is she stressed or anxious about something? Is she trying to fit in or make her boyfriend like her? Lots of things to talk about besides just scolding her for use of marijuana.

(fyi, I have never done drugs myself but I do understand some of the psychology behind why people do).

7

Are you paying your daughter’s expenses?

Maybe it’s just me, but I wouldn’t be afraid of my kid moving out if I told her that she might be an adult, but as long as I pay, I get a say. And my house, my rules.

She is an adult, but if she isn’t paying her own way, tough. Tell her you aren’t stupid, it’s pretty obvious, and going forward, she isn’t allowed to be stoned, drunk or whatever around you or in the house. I assume she doesn’t live at college year round.

Sounds like she does spend a lot of time around the boyfriend’s mom. So yes, I’d call the mom, I’d tell her that your daughter is smoking pot and that you’ve told her it’s unacceptable. You don’t have to accuse the mom of anything, but you can say you want her to be aware in case there’s any chance she’s been doing these things in her boyfriend’s house. You can make it clear that she isn’t allowed to be in your house if she’s been smoking.

I’m more concerned about why you aren’t taking charge of the situation. You’re fearful of your daughter’s reaction. Why tell her what she is thinking? Don’t put ideas in her head. Too bad if she’s feeling “attacked.” You know what she’s doing. It’s the truth, but by saying you are making her feel as though she’s being attacked, you are making yourself the bad guy! BS. She’s 19, legally an adult, but she’s still a stupid teen. Don’t let her walk over you. Your money, your house, your rules.

Why did you move across the country for her to go to college? Is it possible that she needs a little more space than you are giving her? Is it possible that you are a little too involved in her life? EDIT: Just saw your above post.

I discovered my son had smoked pot and vaped when he was 16 or 17. He had been trying to hide it, but I knew something was up. Of course it was, and I found proof. For about two hours, I sat with him and made him read pages and pages on the internet and view photos of the damage those things can do to a person. There was a serious convo in which I said in no uncertain terms that he could go get stoned and vape elsewhere, but he was never again going to be in our house after he did those things. That as long as we support him it’s unacceptable, that it’s our house and our rules, tough if he doesn’t like it. He could move out and get a job. And I told him I wasn’t sure if I could trust him. I told him his actions have consequences. And for a long time, he got way more scrutiny than perhaps he should have.

My son was still a minor when those things happened, which gave me more leverage, of course, but even now, it would still apply. I’m not my kids’ friend. My kids know I’ll die for them, but I’m not going to let them do stuff I disapprove of. I’m not going to worry that they will reject me for being the parent. I suggest you stop worrying about that too.

8

I am sorry. You’ll want to keep open communication. Maybe consult counselor.

Sounds like may be risking college conduct infraction if smoking pot in dorm, but RAs or staff may turn blind eye if roommate doesn’t complain.
What is summer goal? Some employers require drug screen.

I doubt boyfriend’s mother will be helpful. Might be in denial about son’s drug use.

9

I, like most parents, would prefer that my kid be squeaky clean. But since you are pretty sure your kid is not and youareconcerned about treading carefully, I would want to broach the discussion so that my kid could talk to me AND so that they understood my concerns came from wanting them to be safe. If she’s smoking weed and still doing a good job with her school work and other obligations, here’s what would be in my talk(s).

  1. You need to understand the legality of what you are doing, especially if you are an adult. If it is illegal to buy or possess in your state, you need to consider your risks. Understand that having it in your car is a huge risk because any traffic stop can lead to its discovery. Even kids who are careful who live in legal states may not think about this when driving through other states, possibly with different laws. If it's not legal, find out how/why she thinks she is protected from the consequences of getting busted.
  2. Speaking of cars, do not drive impaired or with anyone who is impaired. It is better to get an uber, stay over, or in your case where you are nearby, to call you for a ride. If you offer the last alternative, you need to agree upfront to suspend judgment so that calling you doesn't carry as penalty.
  3. Know what you are putting into your body. If you have the option of buying legally, do it. There are risks associated with unknown sellers. Does she understand the effects on her brain and body?
  4. If you are smoking recreationally, you need to check in with yourself to be sure that it's not getting in the way of your life. If it is, you have a problem. This isn't so different from alcohol. You wouldn't worry about someone who had a few drinks at a bar on Friday night. You would definitely worry about someone who drank every day or before lunch.

But mostly, I would want to know how she feels about what she’s doing. I would frame a lot of the above as questions about how she is being safe rather than as a lecture.

I think it’s reasonable for you to set rules about smoking in your house (as in not okay!) And I would have expectations about meeting obligations, grades, etc. If she can meet those, you may want to give her some space. If she can’t, then you will need another plan, but pot may only be part of the problem.

10

@2plustrio Is she stressed or anxious about something? Is she trying to fit in or make her boyfriend like her? Lots of things to talk about besides just scolding her for use of marijuana.

Thank you! Yes, severe anxiety so I think that will be some, if not all, of the reason. We are seeking a counselor here and she has already agreed to go for other reasons, so I think it will help her to have an outlet that isn’t me or the boyfriend or the boyfriend’s mom.
My intention is not to scold, but rather ask questions about my concerns, ask her why she’s smoking and speaking to her about the possible consequences.

11

@Lindagaf

Thank you - yes, paying all expenses.

*Maybe it’s just me, but I wouldn’t be afraid of my kid moving out if I told her that she might be an adult, but as long as I pay, I get a say. And my house, my rules.

^ Yes, totally agree with this, my concern about that is that I think the boyfriend’s mom might allow her to move in with them.

*Sounds like she does spend a lot of time around the boyfriend’s mom. So yes, I’d call the mom, I’d tell her that your daughter is smoking pot and that you’ve told her it’s unacceptable. You don’t have to accuse the mom of anything, but you can say you want her to be aware in case there’s any chance she’s been doing these things in her boyfriend’s house. You can make it clear that she isn’t allowed to be in your house if she’s been smoking.

^Thank you for that - that’s a good approach.

*I’m more concerned about why you aren’t taking charge of the situation. You’re fearful of your daughter’s reaction. Why tell her what she is thinking? Don’t put ideas in her head. Too bad if she’s feeling “attacked.”

^ I worded this poorly. what I actually said was 'I’ve had time to prepare for what I was going to say so I want to give you time to think about what I’ve said and my concerns", but that was likely a bit too soft…

*I’m not my kids’ friend. My kids know I’ll die for them, but I’m not going to let them do stuff I disapprove of. I’m not going to worry that they will reject me for being the parent. I suggest you stop worrying about that too.

I agree with this too - thank you! I can deal with being a tough mom, I’ve been that and more, this new concern about the boyfriend’s mom providing safe harbor may be all in my head. I’ll know more once I address it with her.

12

@Hippobirdy

*I am sorry. You’ll want to keep open communication. Maybe consult counselor.

Thank you - I am going to do that ASAP, for both of us. My daughter has agreed to go for other reasons so I am hopeful it will help.

*Sounds like may be risking college conduct infraction if smoking pot in dorm, but RAs or staff may turn blind eye if roommate doesn’t complain.
What is summer goal? Some employers require drug screen.

We have spoken about consequences, but I am going to address again as I am not sure that she really grasps those.

*I doubt boyfriend’s mother will be helpful. Might be in denial about son’s drug use

^I am worried the mom may be complicit.

13

@gardenstategal

Thank you so much! I think this is where I will begin to see where her head is at.

14

Thank you all for taking the time to advise. I’m little out of my element here, sheltered upbringing myself so no experience with the urge, plus my ex is an alcoholic so my daughter is already predisposed so I am scared of pushing her away and trying to keep her safe. You’ve all given me a lot to think about, I am grateful.

15

I hope your daughter can hear your love and concern and be willing to give up the pot. She is worth it. Sounds like may need therapy for anxiety and not self medicating with pot.
So many risks with bad pot laced with other drugs or toxic elements. Risk of becoming a seller to pay for the drugs.

16

Regarding pot, I would focus on potential dangers of vaping and buying without knowing ingredients, as well as possible legal consequences. But emphasize she is an adult and can make her own decisions.

In terms of living with you versus the boyfriend’s mom, since you have people in your house with compromised immune systems and/or autoimmune problems (not sure which, they are different), I don’t think your daughter should be ping ponging between the two homes.

In fact if she can’t stop seeing the boyfriend for the next weeks/months, I don’t think it is safe for people in your house to even have her there.

My daughter has put work and social life on hold to keep me safe while she is living with me. She is a bit older. Every night she has two cocktails while we watch tv 5 feet apart. She strips and showers and changes her clothes if she has been out.

Have you had THAT talk???

17

My daughter has been in Amsterdam where you can walk to a coffee shop with friends, buy a joint, and smoke together (Not now, everything is closed down because of the corona virus). Smoking weed has been around a long time, and though it isn’t legal in many areas, stinks to high heaven, and should not be smoked before driving, I don’t find it as worrisome as binge drinking. As long as she is keeping up in class and fulfilling other responsibilities, I would keep the discussion low key.
You can ask if she feels it is more recreational or if it is helpful for anxiety. You can set boundaries about smoking in your house. You can even say something like, I know many kids like to smoke it, but I hope that over time you will smoke less, and perhaps give it up. You can tell her she has to stop, but you say that would send her over to live at her boyfriend’s house. Do you want to push it that far? I know many people take a hard line and will tell you to cut her off, but I think that is an over reaction to a very common phase of young adult life.

18

If she has severe anxiety then she definitely needs both counseling and a psychiatrist for prescription meds. That said, some prescription meds for anxiety like benzos are highly addictive and just plain scary to me.

CBD, to me personally, is a much more acceptable alternative to regular use of benzos. THC is the component of weed that makes you high, while CBD provides the more therapeutic anti-anxiety effect. Although I understand a little THC helps the CBD work better. And there’s many other ways to get CBD besides smoking (pills, chewables, creams, etc). Regardless, I mention this to open your mind a little - obviously weed is illegal in your state so it’s not an option. But weed isn’t just weed, it can be a complex subject worth exploring besides just enforcing a blanket ban.

One thing definitely, absolutely worth throwing down on is vaping THC. I’m not sure if the studies are definitive yet or not, but I believe THC is at least strongly correlated with the recent rash of vaping-related injuries. Not sure if CBD is also implicated or not.

Best wishes to you and your D. She’s fortunate to have a caring mother in her corner.

19

I freely admit that when I’m not pregnant, I’m a weed user. I prefer edibles and I did them before it was legal. I also have extremely high anxiety and depression and while the weed (and my cocktail of meds) help, I use it mainly for physical pain.

That said. You are paying her bills and you get a say in what she spends money on and how she contributes to finances. Require her to have a job and cut off miscellaneous support if you want.

Don’t call his mom. She’s an adult, even if a young one. My now in laws tried when Mr R and I got together (we were 20) to do weird things like “tell” on me to my parents. They already knew everything I did and they thought it was weird that their adult child’s SO’s parents were calling them for anything other than an emergency, and frankly so did I. Still do.

As someone with autoimmune diseases, I whole heartedly agree that you can baseline expect her to be respectful of the health of others she lives with. You have every right to put the health of your house above her feelings.

If you’re really worried that she’s going to hurt herself, drop out of school,etc (and she really would) because you confront her about something as mundane as smoking weed then I think she needs some very intense psychological help before you continue paying for her.

20

Maybe you can approach this with her from the angle of her father’s (I’m assuming your ex is her father) addiction. If you can get her to go to counseling, I think that is the best path. Good luck. It’s so challenging today because a lot of outside influences take over the values you’ve taught your daughter and live by yourself.