<p>Hello, I’d like to get your advice on my situation.</p>
<p>I’ve never been much of a sharer with my parents. I think it’s because they don’t speak English and generally do not understand things I’m doing or going through. Slowly I just got used to not telling them things and HATE it when they force me to explain what I’m doing to them. I know I should be considerate and I try very hard to comply, but I hate it, and it doesn’t do any of us any good.</p>
<p>These days I’m in university. My parents require me to talk to them at LEAST once a day. I have nothing to say to them, especially when I have to say something every day. I feel like work when I have to send them a message about something just for the sake of it. I hate it so much that it weighs on my life. I wish I can just tap a button everyday to tell them I’m still alive and that can satisfy their need. If I get busy and I don’t respond for multiple days, my parents go crazy and they think I’m dead. This happens even when I don’t respond for a few hours. I tried talking to them about maybe having a call once a week and maybe we can actually chat about something, instead of just mindlessly “report” to them everyday. I know that they believe it’s my duty to do this and that I should not dislike it, but I DO. And when they are mad that I don’t speak to them or try to tell them to speak less frequently, they just try to torture me with silence and it makes me feel like crap! Because I feel like I’m dealing with little kids and there is no endearing quality to it.</p>
<p>Sorry this kind of turned into a rant, but I’d love some advice on either how to open up to my parents more (not hate having to talk to them so often), how to deal with my hatred of this ritual, or how to get them to change their behaviour. And please do not tell me to be considerate and that my parents just love me. I know that. I have been extremely patient, almost beyond my capacity. This is just my personality and upbringing and I can’t stand it anymore. </p>
<p>Call them right before you enter a classroom building…say a few sentences, ask how they are, then say that you’re heading into class and have to go.</p>
<p>Thanks for the response! That’s what I basically already do or I just make up excuses to cut the conversation short. It’s just too frequent and I hate not being able to just live my life for a few days without trying to figure out what to say to my parents…</p>
<p>Have you considered sending them a brief videomessage or sound message each day? That way you can update them on how you are doing without dragging the conversation out ridiculously long or hanging up abruptly. You could also do that in your spare time so it feels less like a chore. </p>
<p>I do hear where you’re coming from, but if this is your freshman year, you’ve only been away a short while and both you and your parents are adjusting. They want to know you’re okay. Some parents and students communicate more than once a day, some less. Seems like people who text often do a lot of that! Btw, if your parents are helping fund your college education it may be a major expenditure for them. Not only do they love you and want to stay in touch, this may be putting a large dent in their budget or savings. If you are an adult and completely independent you can make your own rules; if not you need to work with your parents.</p>
<p>I don’t make my kids call me every day, but i’ve noticed as the semester has gone on one has started calling me more and more. She’s starting to miss me more.</p>
<p>I agree that you just have to suck it up. Five minutes a day is a small price to pay.</p>
<p>Put some structure into it. Sit down and write out four main themes (Sports, Extracurriculars, Academics, Social for example). Then divide these into 7 facets- Hopes, accomplishments, observations, reflections, evolving beliefs, worries, alternate plans. You can now use these to construct a journaling of sorts. Use Whatsapp (as suggested above) or texting if those work for them. Give a status update, starting with headline bullets for the day (if any), and following with a discussion of a facet each day of the then of the week. Rotate through these each month. Give additional calls when inspired.</p>
<p>You can even share this methodology with your parents so they know what to expect. If it becomes routine, it will be straightforward. It may be fun to look back over these messages years from now!</p>
<p>Another alternative is to friend them on FB & then they could really see what you’re up to, or maybe on a Twitter feed. But seriously, maybe take this as a challenge as though you were a blogger. A story about how you saw a guy in the laundry room stuff so much in the washer that there was no room for water. What you learned that day. Ideas for a paper. Roommate stories. How you appreciate the home food that you took for granted. </p>
<p>Sorry this is a chore for you. We let DD initiate most of the contact freshman year, and I didn’t hear from her nearly as often as I would have liked. Turns out she got into a couple of disciplinary scrapes and was probably afraid to contact us. Now she’s a junior and on a semester abroad program and we hear from her briefly nearly every day – a little too frequently IMHO because it makes me worry that she’s not adjusting as well as she should. But we’re not immigrants and we try very hard not to be helicopter parents maybe to the extent that we’re too lax. </p>
<p>Maybe you can ask THEM what they’re up to. It would take up the time. . . </p>
<p>I don’t expect/want my kids to call every day, but if your parents are paying for your college education and need it then you should just schedule in the 5 - 10 minutes they seem to need to be satisfied that you are ok. Over time, maybe you can try once a week to say something like “tomorrow I have a lot of work to do and will be in the library all afternoon, do you mind if we skip one day and talk the day after tomorrow?” and maybe you can start to stretch things out. </p>
<p>Things may not be absolutely perfect, but take a minute and count your blessings. Think about how many people would love to be in your shoes and attending college but don’t have your opportunity. </p>
<p>Maybe it can help if you have an understanding and compassion for their perspective… they may have a genuine fear of separateness “creep”. If you call once a week, then it will taper to once a month, and then sporadically. You are just soothing their fears which can be real suffering for a parent. </p>
<p>I think daily is too much. Personally, I would attempt a super slow change. For the month of November, I would call 6 days out of 7 each week. If they give you the silent treatment, I would totally ignore it. Just speak to them in a friendly, warm manner regardless of how they are behaving. You can only control your own attitude and behavior. In January, I would go down to five days per week of calls, evenly spaced. I would continue this super slow reduction until you are down to whatever you can live with . . .3 days per week of calls maybe? </p>
<p>Initially, you might indicate ahead that you cannot call on a given day, but I wouldn’t necessarily continue that as time goes on. </p>
<p>Do your parents text? Getting a one sentence text from my freshman D was an unexpected delight. It got me through the day, and took care of any need I had to check on her. If they don’t text, maybe you can teach them when you next are at home. Also, you could mail them a letter that describes your life on campus. An actual photograph, printed out and mailed to them would be a great treasure. You could handwrite a note that says “thanks for supporting me in my college education. It really means a lot to me.”</p>
<p>I survived my D’s freshman year by checking out her FB page. I saw pictures of her with new friends, doing activities around campus, etc. Gave me great comfort to know she was involving herself in campus life and not sitting alone in her dorm room.</p>
<p>So, for me at least, if I had ways of knowing my D was alive and building a new life on campus, I was able to sit back and chill. Still hurts your heart to have your child away from home, but a reasonable person can adjust to that heartache and be happy for their child’s new experiences at college.</p>
<p>I would focus your conversation on happy, positive things. Got a great grade on my paper, went to X Club and met new friends, we are planning this outing coming up. </p>
<p>I second the gradual slowing down of communication. Think through what the need is for your parents…is it an actual live conversation, or just knowing you are alive and well. That may help you redirect them to other forms of communication that might satisfy them. </p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the responses! I’ll definitely try out some of the suggestions.</p>
<p>I just want to add on that I’m actually in my last year of university now. I have put up with this for almost 4 years now and there is no change. I’m just afraid that this will continue when I start my full time job.</p>
<p>Also, to the people who say that I should do this because my parents are paying for me…actually I’m paying for all my tuition and living expenses myself through student loans, scholarships, and jobs. Some of my money actually goes to my parents. Regardless, I genuinely don’t see how that has anything to do with how much I should obey their wishes? If they paid for me, do I now owe them to tell them what I do everyday?</p>
<p>Most days it’s OK, I can deal with it. It’s just on the days when they message me multiple times asking where I am, why aren’t I replying, am I ignoring them, what could I be doing because they know I don’t have class, why am I so inconsiderate, etc etc. At those times I just think that they are crazy and needy and have no lives (many times they do this even when we talked just last night). Because I hate this needy questioning, I don’t want to share anything with them, and I don’t. Our talks mostly only consist of what I’m eating and how busy I am.</p>
<p>PS: we ONLY text or voice message. They never call me and I never call them. </p>
<p>I would work on a declining schedule with them and I would use the phone to call. More is accomplished and it is personal) Write out a schedule and stick with it. For example, “in December, I will have exams and will start calling every other day.” By feb, you can adjust the schedule every 3 days. Maybe by the time you graduate and get a job, it will be ok to switch to every Saturday phone calls, because you are a working person that needs to concentrate on your career.
Texting alone would not cut it for a lot of parents. </p>
<p>I don’t understand. You only text or voice message them, and it bothers you?</p>
<p>You need to tell them that between 10 am and 6 pm (or whatever), you are either at class or studying. If they send you a message outside those hours, and you are eating or meeting with friends, you will not answer them right away.</p>
<p>Are you an only child? It sounds like they are really overly needy and clingy, and are really hopeful that you will stay “their baby” and need them as much as they need you.</p>
<p>Would it help if you sent a text every morning that said “Good morning mother and father, I am doing well, hope you have a good day.”? Would that be enough for them?</p>
<p>It is very strange not to actually speak on the phone. Was it you or they who do not want to speak?</p>
<p>Would a weekly phone call at a set time each week be better than this daily bother? You say “talked to them last night” but do you mean texting or leaving messages? That is not talking.</p>
<p>I had to stop talking to my mom she drove me nuts so much. Lasted several months. I do not think they would like that, if you just told them that you weren’t going to be able to answer for a few weeks since they are disrupting you too much.</p>
<p>OP, this new information changes everything. If you have been away from home for years and your parents are still clinging to you this desperately, then you need to change your response to them more immediately.</p>
<p>One more question…do you have any siblings? Do your parents have any other relatives or friends they are close to? Are your parents involved in a church or any other organization that gets them out of the house and interacting with others?</p>
<p>I suggest you head to your college’s counseling center and get more professional advice than what we are able to provide here on cc. You will not be able to change your parents’ attitudes or behaviors, but you can learn other options for responding to them. And you can think through and decide what you are willing to do and how often you are willing to respond to your parents.</p>
<p>It is not your responsibility to make them happy, and you are not required to communicate with them daily. It doesn’t even sound like what you are doing with them counts as honest and sincere communication anyway. When you decide what changes you will make, be ready for your parents to react negatively. It will take a long time for them to accept changes in your communication patterns, but I encourage you to be determined to find a lifestyle that suits you and allows you to form a more normal adult relationship with your parents. </p>
<p>It takes only few seconds to text. My kids can have over 3000 texts a month. If you could keep your parents happy by texting them once a day, I say suck it up. I remember there was a poster who said his parents required him to talk to them every night after work. A simple, “have a paper due today and interviews later,” or “I had dinner with some friends today,” or “Just turned in my paper, I think it is good,” or “my professor said my presentation was great.” </p>
<p>My younger daughter is studying abroad in London now. She’ll usually send me a text while I am asleep. I used to not respond if the text didn’t warrant a response, but I was told by my kids that it was rude, so I’ll text back, “Great, love u.” If we have to text back and forth then one of us would say, “Lets talk.” We probably talk 1-2 times a week.</p>
<p>I would send a daily text as suggested by Rhandco.<br>
“Hello mother and father, I am doing well. I had ____ for lunch. Hope you have a good day.”
I would copy and paste it each day onto a new text and then change the food item.</p>