Need advice - my clingy parents are suffocating me

Parent Cafe
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<p>Yeah we mostly use a voice messaging app, partially because of long distance, partially because no one in my family likes talking on the phone.</p>

<p>My parents don’t do much outside of work and don’t have a big social life. I have thought about getting a pet but they always say it’s too expensive or too much trouble. Perhaps now that I’ll start working soon we can afford a pet.</p>

<p>Thanks for all the suggestions and support, I feel much better about the situation. I’m going to be working very far away from my parents and I do want to find them something to replace their attention on me.</p>

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<p>Fatum, I like the pet idea, if your parents are interested. My brother and SIL were a little lost when their girls grew up and moved away (and not even far!) so they got a dog. That dog is like their new baby-it has clothes, toys, has even been trained to behave at the job sites for their business. The thing has a Facebook page and they are just so in love with the dog. It’s been really good for them. </p>

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<p>Happydad calls his mother (almost) every day at lunch time. They speak for about two or three minutes - hi, how are you, I’m fine, how’s the weather there? anything new at work? no. nothing new here either. love you so much. hug and kiss to you, talk with you tomorrow. bye.</p>

<p>Really, this takes almost no time at all. And, since they check in with each other almost every day, when something important does happen the other learns about it pretty quickly.</p>

<p>Just keep up with the daily check-in texts. Don’t worry about not having anything important to say. It really, truly is OK.</p>

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<p>Pets are expensive and require a lot of work. Just make sure they are up for it.</p>

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<p>I understand clingy/needy parents.
Having to remember to call them or they panic is a horrible obligation. It is NOT healthy that they imagine you dead because you haven’t texted in 12hours or so.Tell them that. Parents learn how to handle their kids not being under their supervision at all times. They learn to “let go”. If it’s your 4th year, your parents haven’t learned. They should trust you can make it through a day without choking on a peanut, locking yourself out, or tripping on your shoelaces (or that, if such a thing were to happen, that you’d be fine by yourself or thanks to your friends). They need to accept that now you’re an adult. You shouldn"t “need” them (that’d be unhealthy for you), you should want to talk with them and that’s only possible if they don’t act like you need them.</p>

<p>You have to “wean them off”.
Don’t let them guilt trip you by their “silent tactics”. ENJOY IT when they don’t call. In fact, after 5 days, send a text telling them you’re happy they’re learning to pace their texts and let you live your life as an adult; then proceed with a little anecdote or story. Perhaps get another cell phone and give the new number to your friends. This way, you only see the “old” cell phone when you go back to your dorm and you don’t have to worry about your parents texting/calling at any random time and/or guilt tripping you if you dont reply immediately.</p>

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<p>Ok…while you’re in school and if they are paying, then you have to go along with this.</p>

<p>Even if you continue this thru graduation, once you’ve got your first job, what can they do? You’ll be supporting yourself…you will be in charge of YOU. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. As a self-supporting person, you’ll be calling the shots…and you can say, “I’ll call you twice a week,” or whatever. Frankly, once you are self-supporting, you’ll need to set boundaries…otherwise they could start dictating what you do once you’re in a permanent relationship. </p>

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<p>No… they’re NOT paying. He’s not only providing for all his school expenses, he said he’s even sending a little money back to them!</p>

<p>I wonder if they’ve become so dependent on that money, that they are afraid what would happen if he failed or dropped out of school, which is why they want more details proving he’s doing well in school. </p>

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<p>^^^
Oh wow…missed that. </p>

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<p>Also, to the people who say that I should do this because my parents are paying for me…actually I’m paying for all my tuition and living expenses myself through student loans, scholarships, and jobs. Some of my money actually goes to my parents. Regardless, I genuinely don’t see how that has anything to do with how much I should obey their wishes? If they paid for me, do I now owe them to tell them what I do everyday?</p>

<p>Most days it’s OK, I can deal with it. It’s just on the days when they message me multiple times asking where I am, why aren’t I replying, am I ignoring them, what could I be doing because they know I don’t have class, why am I so inconsiderate, etc etc. At those times I just think that they are crazy and needy and have no lives (many times they do this even when we talked just last night). Because I hate this needy questioning, I don’t want to share anything with them, and I don’t. Our talks mostly only consist of what I’m eating and how busy I am.</p>

<p>PS: we ONLY text or voice message. They never call me and I never call them.</p>

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<p>@teriwtt‌ That could be…and maybe they plan on having him help support them once he graduates. </p>

<p>OP…you don’t have to “obey” them…you’re an adult. The reason people may have felt that you had to cooperate is because we thought they were either paying or filling out needed FA paperwork. In such a case, if you chose to "do your own thing, "they could have retaliated by not filling out FA paperwork or paying. So, then communications would be a small price to pay for that support. </p>

<p>Anyway…you don’t have to obey at all, really. however, that could mean that when you go home for winter break or after graduation, there could be some issues. </p>

<p>BTW…how much money do you send them and why? Will they expect you to support them once you’re working? </p>

<p>You need to figure out some boundaries. </p>

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<p>Are you going to school in the US or Canada? Are you far away from your parents? </p>

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<p>I really disagree with the idea that whether the parents are paying or not makes one tiny little bit of difference. I genuinely feel that that is a disgusting way to view the relationship between people in general, and particularly between parents and children.</p>

<p>I feel very sad for these parents, whose child is increasingly remote from them. (Partially as a result of their own behavior.)</p>

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<p>I talk to my mother everyday since my father passed away. I feel obligated to do it, but if it’s going to make her feel better then that’s matters, especially if it’s not a huge inconvenience to me. I kind of feel the same with OP’s situation. His parents are not asking him to spend half an hour everyday to speak to them on the phone. They are asking for 5 seconds of his time everyday to send a simple text. It is sadder to me that a child couldn’t spend 5 seconds a day to make his parents feel good. I would do that for a stranger.</p>

<p>Part of being an adult is be able to empathize, put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and less “all about me.”</p>

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<p>I think pragmatically speaking, respondents felt the OP had no choice if parental support is involved, but personally I think she needs to draw boundaries regardless of the financial relationship. What these parents are asking is unreasonable in the eyes of their child (I happen to agree), and they need to stop making demands, or they are going to totally alienate their child. They are well on their way. </p>

<p>When adults who care about each other disagree on the appropriate level of communications, a compromise position must be reached. Her parents are showing no respect for the OP’s perspective on this issue and are basically punishing her (silent treatment) if she doesn’t comply or harassing her via text until she complies. I don’t have a whole lot of sympathy for their position. </p>

<p>I think a slow weaning is the most humane approach, but honestly if I were in the OP’s position myself, I’d probably just call them twice a week on a routine schedule and ignore the ensuing tantrums.</p>

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<p>@OP, it is unfortunate that you and your parents have turned communications into such a battlefield. I’m glad that you’re communicating through texts rather than calls, but you should remind your parents that one of the benefits of texting is that responding to texts can be postponed until a convenient time. </p>

<p>I feel for them, as a parent, but you don’t owe them daily reassurances. Try just texting good mornings and/or good nights for a while. Over the years, kids become stronger and more independent, and parents less so. The timing in your family is a little problematic. Good luck. </p>

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<p>I don’t get the idea of the “silent treatment” in this case. If they DON’T call or text, isn’t that what s/he wants? Then why complain about it?</p>

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<p>If harmony is the goal then unspoken tension doesn’t feel good either.</p>

<p>Philosophically, some focus most on people’s intentions. I feel it is not only intentions that matter but the actions we take as well. OP, some of the words you have used would understandably rub parents the wrong way (“clingy”, “like dealing with little kids” – you know, respect for elders and all that…), but your desire to have more independence as an adult makes sense to many of us, and helping your parents out financially is something I would think the vast majority, if not all of us, find admirable. Scheduled times ‘x’ number of times per week your parents can count on may be a solution that works for both of you. </p>

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<p>One, you’re much older than OP and have had the life experience and years to develop emotional maturity and the inclination to do it. OP is in his last year of college, not a middle-aged adult and such emotional maturity takes years beyond college to develop. Due to socialization, this is also one area females tend to be more advanced at the same age ranges compared with male counterparts on average. </p>

<p>Secondly, what you’re asking OP to do is precisely an instructor who was a retired Columbia Med trained Psychiatrist who emphasized to us how wrong it is for parents to confide their problems and otherwise treat their children as therapists because of the age/maturity difference and the lifelong psychological damage which could result from such in the adolescent/young adult years. </p>

<p>I agree with this as I am of the opinion adolescents/young adults should not be put into position of being emotional anchors/therapists for older relatives/parents before they’ve had some years dealing with people in the professional world during their late teens and 20s. </p>

<p>Not to mention having to cater to clingy or people who need to emotionally dump on you because you’re the trusted family/friend/acquaintance/stranger can be emotionally and psychologically draining if this is a daily/ongoing occurance. </p>

<p>Frankly, OP’s parents need to find friends/family who are their age or are willing to put themselves in the position of being their emotional anchor rather than burdening their almost adult son who has enough to deal with regarding school, job searches, and transitioning from school to post-school life. </p>

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<p>OP is hardly being put in the position of therapist or emotional anchor for his parents. A simple text each day could hardly be viewed as an emotional anchor for anyone. Lets not blow this out of proportion here.</p>

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<p>^Oldfort: the problem is that the parents don’t just want “a simple text every day”, but rather DEMAND to know what OP “is doing” (ie, trying to exert some control because their adult child is no longer home) and will guilt-trip him/her by claiming that not answering the text quickly makes them think the child is dead (OP specified that after a few hours without a reply, they’ve called authorities to check, and this more than once!) or send a barrage of texts to the same effect. This is not healthy. This is not normal. This is manipulation from the parents and OP needs to disentangle. Once OP’s parents act normally (ie., accept that OP won’t text every day, that OP doesn’t need to tell them what s/he’s doing, doesn’t have to reply within an allotted time or they call people in authority) it’ll be possible for OP to develop the relationship you describe, but right now it doesn’t seem like OP is talking about parents who just want a text a day and are fine with it. It sounded to me as if OP’s refusal to send a text a day came from the parents escalating the behavior, hence escalating the response, and OP’s refusal to deal with them. It’s not their right, it’s a privilege, earned through years of trust and good communication. The reverse is true, too.</p>

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<p>I read OP’s posts, this is what he said:

He didn’t say his parents called authorities to check. All I am saying is if OP would just spend 5 seconds a day to text his parents, all this would go away. His parents do not speak English and probably do not understand western cultural. They probably think the worst when it comes to their kid’s safety. It is perfectly normal, we tend to be afraid of things we do not understand. Most people think NYC is dangerous, but I feel safer here than out in the suburb.</p>

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<p>While it may be distasteful, if you need parents to fill out FA paperwork or pay, and they are asking for something is UNREASONABLE then you sometimes have to put up it. However, if you don’t have to depend on those things, then you’re more free to set appropriate boundaries. </p>