Need advice or suggestions from CC parents-D's past teacher possibly a sex offender?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Just when you think that there is some peace in your household, we got thrown a curve ball this weekend!</p>

<p>I am posting this in the hopes that the CC parents may shed some insight on how we should deal with this problem., because many of you are filled with common sense IMHO and I have appreciated your advice in the past! </p>

<p>It seems that our 14 year old daughter has contacted her social studies teacher from last year. She was a student of this teacher last year. The teacher is a male age 28 who has a reputaution around town of chatting it up with his female students. In the last four months my daughter has been secretive and relentless about getting a cell phone because" all of my firends have one" …Yes I know we are idiot parents so say it now and get it over with. We purchased the cell phone for her, although this may be a blessing or not. My wife scanned the call list on the telephone and noticed that my daughter made several outgoing calls to the teacher (she knows it is the teacher’s number as she called the number and he answered and without denying it said he would “Take care of the problem”) and here is the killer it is the teacher’s cell phone number! We also noticed several calls coming in from his cell phone to her. And suspect that she spent time chatting with him on instant messenger (AIM)this summer as she would sneak down to computer late at night. I guess when he was on AIM?</p>

<p>She is in a new school this year away fronm the teacher (at least we think she is- who knows at this point) and yet he still called her? My wife and I are split on how to deal with this. I feel that it is inappropriate for the teacher to call my daughter’s cell phone or to have any communication with her that is not school related and even then ,he should call the home phone not her CELL Phone! My wife says “oh heck she has a crush on the teacher and I will call the teacher and suggest that he let her down gently and tell him that he cannot call anymore and that it is innapropriate…”. Here is the clincher. There have been rumors all over town for the last three years that this teacher is way too friendly with his female students. Yet he remains at the school. I know why now- NO ONE HAS CALLED AND NOTIFIED THE SCHOOL ADMIN!.. Yet several of my wife’s friends ran to the school admin when they found out that their daughter was in his class and insisted their daughter be removed from his class. I want to call the school admin now and report this, my wife says it will wreck the already strained relationship that we have with our daughter. You know the regular teenage angst stuff that is typical of a 14 year old. She claims this is serious emotional stuff and that it will get all around town and my duaghter will be harmed also. She thinks the teachers behavior is harmless and that in this case it is NOT “where there is smoke there is fire” </p>

<p>What should we do?</p>

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<p>why don’t you call administration and talk about your concerns w/o identifying any of the parties involved? There may be a way to let admin know w/o having your daughter know. Some of the other parents who you know have taken their dtrs out of this teacher’s class may also be encouraged to come forward w/ whatever they actually know (as opposed to rumors they have heard).</p>

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<p>Well, first things first. Let her know that you look at the cellphone list. Any further calls to or from said teacher means the cellphone is gone. No second chances. It doesn’t have to go any further than the house. You are the adults in the house, and should take charge.</p>

<p>Then a call to the teacher is in order. Don’t accuse him of anything. Just tell him that you think the contact is inappropriate, and besides, he doesn’t want your d. to lose her cellphone, right? Again, doesn’t have to go any further than the call between the two of you. </p>

<p>Then, finally, isn’t there a way you can “save” instant messages to and from your computer? I agree that there is no reason at this point to go beyond what is happening in your household, but there is also no reason not to take any and all precautions you think necessary as a parent. No one said it is always supposed to be fun, and a 14-year-old might (or might not) find a reason to take other stuff out on you if it wasn’t this.</p>

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<p>Mini said: Then a call to the teacher is in order. Don’t accuse him of anything. Just tell him that you think the contact is inappropriate, and besides, he doesn’t want your d. to lose her cellphone, right? Again, doesn’t have to go any further than the call between the two of you. </p>

<p>Thanks Mini- My wife did call the teacher and told him excatly what you have said…and he was quiet,really would not confirm that he called. He just said" I will take care of it"</p>

<p>Texas said: Some of the other parents who you know have taken their dtrs out of this teacher’s class may also be encouraged to come forward w/ whatever they actually know (as opposed to rumors they have heard).</p>

<p>Thanks for responding Texas!</p>

<p>My wife did ask others, but in her words “They all ran for the hills” so to speak. Everyone basically says that a few years back there were rumors about he and a student, but that they could not get proof so they could not charge him with anything. The story seems to be the same from everyone that knows about this teacher. In retrospect we should have insisted that our D not remain in his class except we were operating on the principle that one is “Innocent until proven guilty” In the past some of the teachers that the gossipers did not like ,turned out to be excellent teachers in the eyes of my S as well as D!</p>

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<p>All the hush, hush and lack of contacting appropriate authorities…could not get any proof? The behaviour you are susupecting is a felony! Have you never heard of the prosecutor, schoool superintendant or victim advocate attorney? I am a little shocked to read the attitudes here. How large a city are you in? Teachers are investigated, prosecuted and found guilty in cities all over the country everyday for the things you are speaking about.</p>

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<p>I would call the school administration and would NOT be anonymous. The man’s behavior is inappropriate. Period. The administration needs to know. The reason that sexual predators are able to continue is that the kids feel flattered and parents who suspect or find out things don’t have the guts to inform the authorities.</p>

<p>I also stongly recommend family counseling. Sexual predators prey on young people who are vulnerable, and in many cases inadequate parenting or other difficulties at home are the cause of that vulnerability.</p>

<p>Your wife’s not wanting to contact authorities about the teachers’s inappropriate behavior is an example of inadequate parenting as is your considering going along with your wife. Has it occurred to either of you that perhaps you have a strained relationship with your D because she has an inappropriate relationship with that teacher, who is influencing her in a bad way?</p>

<p>Yes, your daughter will be angry when you go to the authorities, but that is probably the only way to protect and possibly save your daughter who is headed down a slippery slope.</p>

<p>I also suggest taking that cell phone. It also could be used as evidence if it’s necessary to prosecute the teacher.</p>

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<p>The town has 10,000 in it- small town. I agree with what you say but please remeber the dilemma here is that we are concerned that my daughter will not deal with this well …emotionally. I am for going straight to the school principal,superintendent, etc…While some may say “well you do not know under what circumstances the teacher responded to your daughter” It is my feeling that UNDER ANY circumstances it is inappropriate for the teacher to call her on her cell phone (unless he thought it was her home number? ) or have any communication with her after she is no longer in his class…It is a town of gossipers unfortunately and they have done damage in the past, this time I fear though they may have been correct regarding this teacher. The fact that they did not act upon it and he still remains in the school is a mystery somewhat.</p>

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<p>Your daughter already has emotional problems: She is having an inappropriate relationship with a teacher who is clearly taking advantage of her.</p>

<p>This is why I also say that you, your wife and D need to get into family therapy with a therapist used to dealing with families having problems with teens. Your D will protest this. That’s how most teens respond to having to go to therapy. A good therapist is used to dealing with this kind of resistance. If your wife refuses to go, you still need to go. </p>

<p>The longer you wait, the harder this will be to deal with because your D’s problems are not likely to resolve on their own. Since she’s a minor, you still have some control over her. You lose that control the older she becomes.</p>

<p>Even if you had not heard rumors about the teacher, surely you know that his behavior with your D is inappropriate, and you need to talk to the teacher’s bosses. It also would be a good idea to talk to the teacher – not to get his side of the story, but to tell him in no nonsense terms to stop the inappropriate contact with your daughter.</p>

<p>There is absolutely no reason that your D should be having that kind of contact with a former teacher. Even if the teacher claims your D is talking about her problems with him, that is inappropriate. He is not her therapist or counselor. He should have referred her back to her parents or he should have called you or your wife, told you about your D’s concerns, and recommended that you get some outside help for her.</p>

<p>Your D also may be sneaking around seeing this man behind your back. Make sure you know where she’s going. Call her friend’s parents to verify that she’s at their house if she’s supposed to be visiting friends. Your D will protest your actions, but these are the things that caring parents do even if they don’t suspect that their child is doing inappropriate things.</p>

<p>When it comes to teens having inappropriate relationships with older men, their friends may think it’s cool so may cover for them. That’s why you need to make sure you know where your D is going and has adult chaperones. </p>

<p>Don’t let her, for instance, wander the mall by herself or with friends because she could be meeting him there and going elsewhere with him.</p>

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<p>Hold on folks. It is hard to say what to do without knowing more information, including any reason behind the phone calls, in either direction. Reputations have been destroyed (and yes, lawsuits have resulted) from premature actions without having the full story. </p>

<p>It is hard for outsiders, in anonymous postings, to advise, as we don’t have all the facts. But I will say this:</p>

<p>– You need professional help, to protect you, your daughter, and perhaps your community.</p>

<p>– you might consider a social worker or law enforcement</p>

<p>– you should ask for confidentiality and privacy for as long as is reasonable from anyone you approach.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom said: I also stongly recommend family counseling. Sexual predators prey on young people who are vulnerable, and in many cases inadequate parenting or other difficulties at home are the cause of that vulnerability.</p>

<p>No divorce, no fighting, we are a very close family- somehow in the last year my daughter starting moving away from us. We wrote it off to teenage angst and all that. I am sure we are not model parents, name someone that is…There are many people that would say “there is no 14 year old on earth that should have a cell phone” and others that would not let their kids step out of the house without a phone…however you are probably correct…when this is all settled we probably will seek counseling for all of us…</p>

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<p>songman - focusing solely on the AIM. I have been given instructions on how to read past AIM files. I actually was just curious if this could be done; but you have a reason I would consider valid to investigate your D’s message file. I have never tried using the methods, but would be happy to pass them on to you if you would like. PM me.</p>

<p>Part of me agrees with the posters who feel there is egregious behavior on the part of the teacher. Part of me agrees with newmassdad that reputations have been destroyed when someone jumps to conclusions. Rumors are rumors and they can grow and grow without substantiation.
Looking at the IM files may tell you whether there is fire where there is smoke. If I were you, I do believe I would read them. If the instructions I’ve been given didn’t work, I would hire a computer expert to do it for me.</p>

<p>Bests of luck.</p>

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<p>newmassdad- yes I realize that the advice is cursory, but I appreciate the thoughts. Somewhere in the random advice we may find a solution possibly? Thanks to all that responded so far!</p>

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<p>songman, one thing I would strongly recommend is not jumping to conclusions that the man is a sex offender. Rumor does not mean proof. While it is true that it is inappropriate for this teacher to be conducting several phone conversations over the summer months with a student, this alone does not make him a sex offender. Do you have copies of her cell phone bills which will list the numbers called and the numbers of those calls received? If not, you should request copies from your cell phone company. </p>

<p>I would think the first thing to do is to sit down with your D and have a conversation (calmly and not accusatory of either her or the teacher) explaining your concerns and asking her exactly what the reason was for the calls. It’s possible, and I’m hoping for your sake and that of your D, that it was all very innocent. While something may be inappropriate and he probably should not have been talking to students about whatever topics, it would be a mistake to ruin this man’s reputation by jumping to the conclusion that he is a sex offender and that anything further than telephone calls may have happened.</p>

<p>When one of my Ds was in fifth grade, her teacher was accused by three former students of sexual assault. The alleged incidents had happened years before. Based on these allegations, this teacher was arrested and marched out of class in handcuffs. He waited over a year for trial, all the while suffering being ostracized by friends, colleagues, parents, and others in the town. It was horrendous. Parents spread all kinds of rumors about how he was always too friendly with kids and how they regretted not taking their kids out of his class because they always ‘knew’ that things weren’t quite right. Well, guess what? He was acquitted at trial and the three original accusers admitted making the whole thing up because their lives were in a mess and they wanted to blame someone else instead of taking responsibility for it themselves. This situation is obviously different than yours but I share it simply to illustrate this this is a serious issue and while it must be dealt with, please do it in a thoughtful way without rushing in and ruining this man’s reputation unjustly. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this.</p>

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<p>Assume the worst case, he has had sex with students, possibly including your daughter. Now what would you do? Can’t happen in your house? Watch the news. Don’t wait to contact school officials and CPS. If it is nothing major, all will have due warning not to let it proceed. If it is a smoldering fire, you may save your daughter. If it is worst case, you may save your daughter’s future.</p>

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<p>Thank you for your thoughts–Alwaysamom- Verizon does not list the calls anymore- I believe I have to go to the online account info to pull the calls- The phone is only a week old- so I pray we caught all of this in time- although she might have had conversations with him all summer on Instant Messenger and we would never know it as we don’t know what name he uses to talk to her- she has 150 buddies on the list.</p>

<p>You stated very clearly why we are not going to the school at this time. Although I must admit he appears guilty simply by the fact that she had his cell phone number…where would she obtain that? It is possible she copied it from somewhere and that he did not provide the number. Why did he call her then from his cell phone. (to her cell). She gave him the number and he accepted it? Also why didn’t he refer the call to the principal and admin who would have called our home phone number to say that our daughter should stop calling the teacher especially in light of the fact that he has a reputation…I will talk with my wife tonight, I feel that we should sit down clamly with our daughter and get to the bottom of this…</p>

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<p>Several incoming and outgoing calls in the past week with a teacher at a school she no longer attends? You say she has seemed to drift away from the family during the past year . . . the same year she had this teacher? Please take this very seriously for your daughter’s sake. I would anticipate that she will not want to discuss this calmly. And I would not wait until things settle out to seek professional help. I am not suggesting smearing the teacher all over town. I do think that northstarmom’s advice is solid and appropriate.</p>

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<p>Quite frankly, I really don’t care whether this teacher is a past sex offender or not. It is clear, however, that both his behavior toward your daughter and your daughter’s toward the teacher are not only inappropriate, but downright scary.</p>

<p>I am in 100% agreement with Northstarmom on this one. It doesn’t matter about the size of the school, the size of the town, the internecine warfare between parents and teachers, parents and adolescents, or superintendents and teachers. This is NOT innocent behavior on either the part of the teacher (as evidenced by his evasive answers…his “taking care of it” means he has instructed your daughter strictly on how not to get caught again) or the child and it calls for swift and definitive action. If you don’t get control of this situation as a strong parent immediately, you WILL lose your relationship with this child for good.</p>

<p>1) Take her cellphone away. NOW. Strictly monitor ANY time on AIM. No time on AIM unless you are in the room with her watching the computer over her shoulder.</p>

<p>2) No unsupervised time outside of the home or school until you are ABSOLUTELY sure there is no more contact between this child and this predator. You take her to school and drop her off (no riding the bus) and then you pick her up and take her home when she’s done. She will kick, scream, and not like you. For awhile. But that doesn’t matter in the long run. In the long run you will have your relationship intact because she will respect you.</p>

<p>3) Go directly to the superintendent with the cellphone (do not give it to him/her, just show the calls). You may also wish to tell the principal out of courtesy, but do NOT stop there. Who cares if your daughter gets mad at you and your wife? That is of no importance in her long term mental and social health or your parent-child relationship.</p>

<p>4) Get the entire family into counseling ASAP. If the school millieu is as inbred as you say, you will need to support each other when the kaka hits the fan. And you’ll learn to communicate with each other so your daughter doesn’t hide this sort of behavior from you again.</p>

<p>I can guarantee you that if a male teacher twice my daughter’s age had called her cellphone (even now at age 16), she would have, as she puts it, “creeped out” and told me immediately. Your daughter didn’t share this with you. That is NOT normal behavior for a 14 year old. I advise you to get cracking.</p>

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<p>If he called back more than once, he has a problem. If she is calling him, why would he call back more than once? He is foolish. And therefore reckless.</p>

<p>Northstartmom has good advice.</p>

<p>Have to stopped the IM at night? </p>

<p>Has she said anything about the phone calls? Have you asked her? </p>

<p>Do you know where she is at all times? I like my Ds to have cell phones because I can check on them. If she didn’t have the phone, she would have found a way to contact him.</p>

<p>Have you discussed this with D? Remember, this teacher is double her age, so no matter what the relationship is, it isn’t appropriate. </p>

<p>For instance, if they are jsut talking, what does a 28 yo have in common with a 14 yo…and that is the most innocent senario</p>

<p>If D gets mad, so what. Are the calls still going on? You should be able to contact the phone company and get records now to check.</p>

<p>If it were my H, he would have called the teacher and not been quite so nice and civil.</p>

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<p>Professional counselors…private, have experience and can also help you approach your daughter and sift this out. You as a parent need some professional support to evaluate and follow this through…not after this is over, NOW. Professionals know how victims react and how to report thus leaving you as a parent out of the loop. I highly recommend setting up an appointment w/ an experienced counselor ASAP. You are charged with the protection of your minor daughter, this is your moral and legal task.</p>

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<p>Parents who have heard the rumors won’t let their daughters take a class with this man, but no one will go to administration? I’m not in favor of ruining his reputation if he has done nothing, but I am also concerned about the daughters of parents who may not have heard the rumors.</p>