<p>D who will be a college sophomore this year has been dating the same guy since sophopmore year high school. They started out as friends gradually turning the page to “a couple”. D has been a joy to raise - happy, smart, giving - you name it. </p>
<p>“The Boyfriend” is very difficult to like. He is by no means a bad person and yes, he seems to treat her well. They go to different schools a few hours apart and neither has a car. So during the school year they don’t see each other except at breaks and occasional weekends home. They do use mega minutes on the phone !!! </p>
<p>Her dating experience is limited to this one guy. </p>
<p>The problem: well one problem, is that we feel that it is not healthy to limit all her dating to one guy. We would like her to be open to the possibility of dating others. Is this our business? Some of you will say yes, some no. I believe that we are still free to give her advice that we feel is in her best interest. Of course, she can choose not to. So, first question: how do you encourage your kids to open the field to dating others???</p>
<p>The second, probably more difficult problem is that we (I"m sorry to say) are really annoyed by her current boyfriend. Best way to describe him - odd. Very theatrical. Seems more “all about” himself than worried/concerned about her. She is a caretaker type person. His mannerisms are annoying, his voice is annoying, his look is annoying - yikes! I know this sounds terrible, and I promise you we are not bad people!!! Others outside the family seemed surprised by her choice too - teachers, neighbors, etc. We feel her “love is blind”. But what do we or CAN we do about it??? Ultimately, these are her choices - it has gotten to the point that anytime she asks if she can go with him (she still asks at age almost 20 - that’s just who she is) I don’t really have a good reason to say “no” but yet I’m ticked off that she is spending time with him and NOT spending time with many other friends …</p>
<p>So, PLEASE I don’t need criticism - I need advice. Do we keep encouraging her to consider opening up the dating world? I can’t pretend I like him/enjoy him. Any recommendations based on similar conversations you have had with your children? </p>
<p>I feel like HE has won the prize - my daughter who is successful, delightful, and has a purpose. I want her to be on the receiving end of the same things!</p>
<p>Wow- very tough. I think as we respond we should all assume that all the info you have given is accurate and not counsel you to just get to know him better, etc. </p>
<p>It is so hard to say anything negative about a kids love life and good luck having them listen; many times it drives them further into the other person’s arms.</p>
<p>I think you have to be somewhat neutral- polite, civil, kind, yet now and again if she is upset you can point out some of the reasons why she could do better- for instance, hobbies, interests, majors, life choices, values, religion, etc.</p>
<p>Look on the bright side, if you can, going to different schools means she has time to possibly meet and become attracted to other people, maybe??</p>
<p>It’s tough, I admit, when our kids choose a significant other whom we might not think is the perfect choice. Unless it’s an abusive relationship in some way, I’m of the opinion that we, as parents, should keep our thoughts to ourselves. Once they’re of college age, they’re old enough to make the decision as to whom they want to ‘be with’, again my opinion. It’s difficult to bite your tongue, but I guess you should ask yourself if you’d be wondering if you should urge her to expand her dating horizons if this was a boy whom you liked a lot and who wasn’t annoying. Sorry, no real suggestions but if you have a great D who is smart and successful and with whom you have a good relationship, then you have to trust her to make the right decision for her.</p>
<p>I don’t think that you should really give this advice while she is in a serious relationship. It would only create resentment and ill feeling. Is she possibly already aware that your family does not like him? It seems that you guys actively dislike him, so I’m not sure how you are able to conceal thise feelings. Basically you would be telling her that you would like her to break up with this guy that she has been happy with for 4 years?</p>
<p>She is aware of our feelings to a degree - mostly that we urge her to not “put all her eggs in one basket”. We have been telling her this for awhile. We are not nasty to him of course, he is over for dinner and just hanging around at least once a week - but we are all gritting our teeth some of the time - guess we’re getting tired of “pretending”.</p>
<p>Yes, we feel we know him pretty well - his parents too. He is who he is. Like I said, not a bad person - but maturity wise, focused-wise, self-centered wise - on a different level, we think than our daughter. </p>
<p>I have wondered if I would feel the same way if I loved the guy and felt he was a good match for her. I don’t know - but I’d love to try! She is our oldest so we haven’t played the “dating game” with any other children - she is the first…</p>
<p>I most certainly don’t want to create ill-feelings or drive her away from us and to him. I am aware of that possibility. </p>
<p>I feel your pain. S started dating a girl when they were both sophomores (now rising seniors). For the first year we liked her. Then, after getting to know her better, we started to really dislike her. It’s hard to say whether she changed (kids can change a lot between 14 and 17), or it’s just that we gained more insight into her personality. So they were going on two years, and just recently broke up. My approach was honesty, going against conventional wisdom. What is the point of trying to hide your real feelings? If you and your child are at all close, she can certainly tell anyway. Starting around last fall, I just laid our my husband’s and my feelings as they were–that it would be nice if they could remain friends because it was fine that he cared about her (there was a rescue and protective element in his feelings toward her), but that for various reasons (which he well realized) she was not the person for him. I also made no bones about the fact that I believe spending all of one’s high school years with one partner is not the best way to go as it inhibits emotional growth at a time when it is very important (in my opinion).</p>
<p>I spent many months feeling really conflicted about this, but opted to be open about my feelings. So they “mutually” broke up, are still friends, and my behavior obviously did not drive him further into her arms, cause a Romeo and Juliet scenario, etc. etc. </p>
<p>It’s interesting that you use the word “annoying” because it got to the point that everything about this girl became really annoying to us, too!</p>
<p>If your child respects your opinion, and understands that you have his/her best interest at heart, they will listen and consider. It might just work out in your favor, as it did for me. :)</p>
<p>I feel for you, but there is absolutely nothing you can do. Pray a lot! The good news is that they aren’t at the same school and MAYBE she’ll meet someone else. I have a friend whose D has wasted years on a loser guy- they are just trying to wait it out. I wish I had better suggestions for you.</p>
<p>Do you think she really, truly loves this guy? Or is she in the relationship because she’s used to it and/or dependent on having him or having a boyfriend? Remember, the things you see as annoying she may find utterly lovable, adorable, and unique. On the other hand, she may just be so used to having a boyfriend that she’s scared of being single. </p>
<p>I do think this is up to her, but if she asks for your feelings about him or about their relationship, you should be honest. (Caring, but honest.) The one point I would make is this: “LittleBasket, you’ve been seeing BF for four years now, and you’re becoming an adult–you’re halfway through college! You have dedicated a lot of time and energy to this relationship. It’s getting to the point where if you don’t see yourself marrying BF in the future, you should re-evaluate why you’re still in the relationship.” If she doesn’t see herself marrying him, this will make her think. If she does, she’ll tell you, and you can work on accepting the guy your daughter seems to have chosen.</p>
<p>The marriage question is often a big and scary one for college students because marriage seems so far away. Most recent college grads will probably tell you, though, that they don’t see the point in relationships that last all through college when the couple doesn’t plan to get married. I was with a bunch of recent grads who were discussing this topic the other day, actually.</p>
<p>Well, I have two D’s. My advice is to leave it alone. The more you suggest, drop hints, nudge, make faces, try to discuss the situation the more likely she will want to PROVE to you that he is “the one.”…or at least the one for her for now. </p>
<p>I think you just have to let her figure it out. But if you try to push to hard, you will just push her into his arms or you will just push her into spending even more time with him. At 20, it can still be about her not wanting to admit that you are right. </p>
<p>As hard as it is, keep your distaste, displeasure to yourself. You just have to let it work itself out. Sorry. It’s tough.</p>
<p>My brother was dating a girl in HS that was two years younger - so when he left for college they broke up - the parents were relieved as they thought she was too young for a serious boyfriend, my brother was too old for her, etc. Come Christmas break, the parents are calling my brother and inviting him over - turns out they weren’t pleased at all with the guys she went out with after that. So as the saying goes “the grass is always greener”. I think somehow she’ll find her own way and decide what’s best for her.</p>
<p>D2 is dating a boy who is two years older and he seems absolutely perfect. Perhaps he is, but they’re always together. I am so sick of him. Sick. I tell you.</p>
<p>If you gain any insight or practical plans for dealing with this, please let me know.</p>
<p>Also, you need to remember that not only is this boyfriend her first love, he is most likely her first sexual partner. my 18 year old sister recently broke up with her first sexual partner and said that going out into the world of dating is scary after that. with her high school ex, they felt that they had the leisure to wait until they were both ready to engage in sexual behavior. In college relationships on the other hand, sex is often normal/expected on the third-fifth date. this is scary for people who have not been in an adult relationship. if you have the type of relationship with her that you can talk openly about sex, i would include that in the conversation as i am sure it is part of her anxiety.</p>
<p>I would also let my daughters know exactly how I feel about their boyfriends. I have told them since they were little - might as well let me meet them first, because if I don’t like them, it would be a very miserable existence for them. My older daughter hasn’t dated much, but I have met them from the very beginning. If I do not talk about them afterwards, then they are done.</p>
<p>All kidding aside, I think most kids care about what they parents think about their significant other. I would let her know once how you feel about the boyfriend, and let it go at that.</p>
<p>Please, please, please have a mature conversation with your daughter about how you feel. I only wish my mother would have done that with me. I had no idea she disliked my first boyfriend – the one I’d been with for 4 years, including the transition from high school to college – until a few months after I started dating someone else!</p>
<p>It would have saved me a couple years of aggravation. I was far too unsure and insecure in that relationship to realize that my misgivings were valid, and seeing my parents’ (seeming) approval made me think that it was just me. </p>
<p>I think it’s only fair for your daughter to have a clear picture of how you view her relationship. She might not appreciate it, but how often do daughters truly appreciate their mothers’ advice in a TIMELY fashion? </p>
<p>From your description, your daughter seems far better emotionally seated than I was when I was in her position, so I’m not suggesting that such a discussion will lead to an epiphany and an immediate break-up. However, someone such as your daughter would probably appreciate knowing what’s going on in your head when it comes to something as important as the relationship between her family and the ones she may well be considering adding to the family.</p>
<p>We have talked about this many times - about how I did not date much myself and although I love my husband/her dad, I always regretted not having more experience - the experience of seeing different people. I’ve talked about how will you know if someone is “the right one” if you have no other relationships to compare to. I’ve said that I don’t think this exclusive relationship for so long is healthy for either of them. And, she does know, that we don’t really like her guy. </p>
<p>What I need to get a handle on, especially of late, is how to not make each “date” miserable - miserable for her when she knows we don’t really approve, miserable for us cause we just feel it’s wrong and don’t enjoy having the guy around the house!!!</p>
<p>This is definitely a “safe” relationship for her - she likes things safe. I’m sure when most of her friends at home and at school have boyfriends themselves (whether at school or not) she likes that she is all “set” with one too. It feels comfortable. She has said her freshman year that she was SO glad to not have a boyfriend at school cause she wouldn’t want to feel torn between spending time with him and her other priorities: study, study, study, work and girlfriends. She had an amazingly successful, rewarding first year of school! </p>
<p>The other thing (sorry, I think too much!) is this: if she has the lable of “girl with boyfriend” on her at school, how likely is a guy going to be to approach her for a possible dating situation???</p>
Sorry, no real suggestions but if you have a great D who is smart and successful and with whom you have a good relationship, then you have to trust her to make the right decision for her.</p>
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