<p>Does it bother anyone to think about what the “reasonable” number of sex partners a young person might have by 18? 21? 25? by marriage?</p>
<p>Would it not bother you to have a 17/18 year old that has had sex with only one BF/GF by HS graduation, but bother you if he/she had had sex with 2? 4? 6? more?</p>
<p>Would it not bother you if your 22 year old had had sex with 4-6 BF/GFs, but bother you if they had had sex with 10? 20? 30? 50? more?</p>
<p>At what point would it bother you (you may not know how many actual sex partners your child has had, so just imagine if you did)</p>
<p>The reason that I ask is because the elephant in the bedroom in this case of a 16 year old is that often the younger a teen is when they first have sex, the more sex partners they will likely have before marriage (assuming marriage at - say - 25/26). A person who is sexually active at 16, could easily have 20-30 sex partners by marriage. If that’s no big deal to you, then fine. But, if you’d be concerned about how that might affect your child’s ability to bond and such, then it would be a concern.</p>
<p>I don’t think any of us are saying that it’s a wonderful idea for this 16 year old to have sex. What we’re saying (OK, what I am saying) is that the horse if halfway out of the barn. And what do you do then? Ignore it and say, “Don’t have sex” but don’t prepare for it? Or say, “Don’t have sex” but make sure she’s protected anyway? “I’m worried about you. First let’s talk about the emotional issues involved. Then let’s talk about the physical ones, and make sure you’re safe.”</p>
<p>And it doesn’t need to be the Pill. It can be diaphragms and condoms. The condoms are necessary anyway to avoid AIDS, etc.</p>
<p>One thing remember - often, the calmer the parent appears about a situation, the less likely the kid is to indulge in it. If you fly off the handle, you’ll be pushing her into his arms.</p>
<p>*
One thing remember - often, the calmer the parent appears about a situation, the less likely the kid is to indulge in it. If you fly off the handle, you’ll be pushing her into his arms. *</p>
<p>EXCELLENT point!</p>
<p>I think if this was my D I would want to know…</p>
<p>Does your BF know that you’re on the pill? If not, please don’t tell him. That will only add to the pressure. A guy who knows a girl is on the pill is like waving the green flag.</p>
<p>How will you feel if your BF breaks up with you sometime after you do have sex? If you broke up, how will you feel to see him with other girls at that point? How would you feel if he told other boys at school that the two of you had sex?</p>
<p>I think you should be extremely happy that after a few months, your daughter is only taking off her shirt. The second question that has to be asked is if anything else happened. Did she just take off her shirt? Was her bra also off?</p>
<p>It seems like you are worrying too much. Count your blessings. Taking off a shirt does not always lead to sex. I dated a girl in high school when I was 16 for about 4 months. We made out while her shirt and bra were off, but it never lead to sex. Maybe we were the exception the rule.</p>
<p>What I don’t understand is the philosophy of accepting what is deemed to be inevitable when it is in fact not.</p>
<p>I don’t think that there is a moral issue in the case of the OP, which makes things easier for her. But if there’s no moral issue, then the OP has two (broad) options:</p>
<p>1) Make it clear that she is not okay with sex
2) Make it clear that she is okay with sex</p>
<p>In the case of 1), providing some form of contraception leads to an internally inconsistent position if the mother tells the daughter to refrain from sex at this point. If sex is actually inevitable, then the mother shouldn’t even BOTHER telling the daughter that she’s not okay with sex and should instead through a pack of condoms at her. To say “I’m not okay with you having sex” means not to facilitate it, which providing contraception inherently does.</p>
<p>So either tell her that sex is unacceptable and enforce that law (it is very, very possible), or don’t bother with personal views that you are unwilling to make your daughter follow.</p>
<p>I don’t understand why everyone thinks that just because she took her shirt off she is headed towards sex, and soon. After 3-4 months of dating, I would be a bit surprised if that was the first time that the shirt came off, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was more than another year until they finally had sex (assuming that they are still dating at that point). I disagree that you should preemptively put your daughters on birth control (other than for medical reasons), although you should definitely try to keep the lines of communication open. And it is important to know about all options for birth control, including plan B if there is an accident. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t be all that surprised that she is evading the truth when telling you what she has done with her boyfriend, it’s not a very comfortable subject, and even less so if she knows that you don’t approve. I did not tell my parents about my every sexual move, and I think that they preferred not to know.</p>
<p>I also don’t see why knowing that your gf is on the pill is “waving the green flag” in terms of being ready to have sex. There are plenty of medical reasons to be on the pill (most of my friends have been on it at one point or another for pms related symptoms.) It’s not that hard to stop by a drug store and pick up a condom</p>
<p>Our high school does an anonymous student survey every other year thru the Health classes. Freshman year, 90% of the kids are virgins. By fall of senior year, the number drops to 50%. </p>
<p>The reality is that 16 years is the AVERAGE age of first sexual intercourse in today’s USA. You can like it or hate it, but that’s the reality our kids live in.</p>
<p>OP, my D is also on BC pills for medical reasons. And I’m frankly relieved. When we put her on the pill I told her, “This will keep you from getting pregnant (and help resolve your other health issues). But it won’t keep you from getting AIDS or other diseases, and it won’t keep you from getting your heart broken.”</p>
<p>And I know it’s hard, but it’s normal for teens to lie to their parents about some things. I know I didn’t tell my parents every detail of what went on in cars when I went on dates! </p>
<p>Don’t turn this into a power struggle. You won’t win and it will damage your relationship with her for years.</p>
<p>Have a conversation with your daughter and tell her, “You know I don’t approve of kids your age having sex. BUT if you decide to go ahead anyway, you MUST use a condom. Your health is too important not to do that. I’m NOT giving you permission or my blessing, and I really hope you will decide to wait until you’re older. But if you do have sex, PLEASE protect yourself.” Hopefully she’ll get the message!</p>
<p>50% here too. that’s 1 in 2! and this is a community where almost 100% of parents have graduate degrees. and both mom and dad are in the house at most households.</p>
<p>go into a rural community or inner city and you’ll see lots and lots of young mothers.</p>
<p>it’s more rare in college bound communities because of birth control and smarter behavior with birth control. but in all communities they are having sex! and another shocker most sex happens in your home and often when the parents are home.</p>
<p>anyone who thinks their kid couldn’t be sexually active is deluding themselves. we have a state champ academic club, these are the nerdy kids, and what did we discover going on in the hotel at state champs, that’s right…</p>
<p>how do you think we all got here, it’s going on all the time:)</p>
<p>*But this is a 16 year old sophomore who has only been dating her BF for a few months. Perhaps I am old fashioned, but I am not happy that after three months the shirt is already off! *</p>
<p>Oh! Is she only a sophomore? Yikes…</p>
<p>And if the shirt was off, the bra was either off or relocated. The point of taking off the shirt is not to see/touch the bra.</p>
<p>That’s ridiculous and you know it. That you think you could speak for every family only reveals your very limited exposure to different lifestyles.</p>
<p>^^it has nothing to do with knowing different lifestyles or families or anyones values, morals, or relationships with their teenagers. It has to do with millions of years of biological evolution. And you’re ridiculous to think your child or anyones child is immune to their own biological imperative. you must have missed human development courses in college and basic biology in high school…you know, the birds and the bees.</p>
<p>unless your with your child 24/7 there is no way you can be sure you are preventing sexual behavior. Now it may not be happening with your kid, but you are fooling yourself if you think your lifestyle, church, relationship, talks or whatever are fail-safe against millions of years of biological evolution of human sexuality.</p>
<p>You’re right. You cannot be sure. In the same way that I cannot be sure that my child has not turned into a gigantic blueberry that was promptly consumed by his classmates.</p>
<p>Why? Because I’m not there, as you say.</p>
<p>That doesn’t mean that having sex is any more likely than that situation. Again, you are delving into a series of underground cultures that extend far beyond what you could possibly imagine. In these, the idea of the “biological imperative” is simply nonexistent. It’s not even an issue because premarital sex is just outlandish (genuinely) from all parties involved.</p>
<p>Again, being in such a subculture, I know. My MS and HS clearly fall within your framework, but that doesn’t mean all do.</p>
<p>So in the same way that a parent can essentially be sure that his son is not going to sprout wings and fly to the moon, he can be sure that he will not voluntarily have sex.</p>
<p>This, of course, only applies to particular families. But to ignore the presence of these families is to ignore a significant chunk of the population.</p>
<p>General FYI: Lots of religious kids engage in anal sex because they think it’s “not real sex” and “you’re still a virgin afterwards” (ie the hymen remains intact.) And, of course, you can’t get pregnant from it. But you CAN get STDs from it. It’s important to talk about these things with your kids, no matter how unlikely you think it is that they’re going to have sex.</p>
<p>I remember being 16 . . . I was a seething cauldron of hormones. Some people have a perception that girls who have sex are always “pressured into it” . . . Not necessarily! If you don’t want your daughter to have sex, I really suggest having a talk with her about alternatives and buying her a vibrator. I didn’t have sex during high school because I had “self-service” to ease the tension. Probably I would’ve otherwise.</p>
<p>I understand what you are saying, but you will never know 100% if your kid has sex or not unless you are by their side every second of the day. You could be the most relgious family in the world or you can give the sex talk 100’s of times. That doesn’t necessarily mean they are not going to have sex.</p>
<p>I will give you one particular instance. My good friend in high school’s family was very religious. They always went to church and they stressed to their kids that they would be going against their relgion if they had sex before marriage. Well my friend did have sex in high school. He told me that his parents would be mortified if they knew. His parents never found out about it and proabably never will. The point is that the parents think that their son still hasn’t had sex eventhough he has had sex.</p>
<p>in my family, premarital sex is as likely as murder – quite literally. That’s how strong the conviction is. So you’re right, but you still haven’t explained why we should worry about sex and not, for example, Clockword Orange-like violence.</p>
<p>And your example clearly shows a disconnect between the parents and the child that does not exist in every family.</p>
<p>Premartial sex is like murder? So if you have sex before marriage, what literally will happen to you?</p>
<p>Question: How would you ever know if you child had sex?</p>
<p>Please read post #56. I gave an instance of a kid from a very religious family who had sex before marriage. He was too scared to tell his parents, so he didn’t. They never found out and they probably never will find out.</p>