<p>I am a regular poster, but because of privacy and anonymity, I am posting under a different name.
My sister and I have had a very strained relationship since our mother died several years ago due to issues surrounding our mother. But I have worked it out that we are cordial for the sake of our children. I have limited my contact with her after much tears and some therapy, because she is toxic, has verbally been nasty to me and I cannot support some of her bad choices. To preserve my sanity and spirit I had to do this. But we do see our nephew and do things with him on occasion.
What my problem is , that she is morbidly obese, has a boatload of health issues related to her obesity, cannot walk much, pretty much housebound and my nephew does so much for her much to his detriment. He does her shopping, does all her fetching, some cleaning and tends to her. His father is not in the picture. My daughter does not want to be around her because of the way she is and how she treats her cousin. She is can be pleasant to my face, but has talked about me to other family members behind my back. A friend of hers has access tom her bank accounts, but she wouldn’t let me dare have any of that information. Just a lot of bad blood and issues.
Over the past years, my sister has had some health crisis landing her in the hospital and we have had to pick up the pieces, take care of my nephew, drive him to school, his sports, and take care of their dog. Just when I was ready to take care of me, since daughter is in college, I get sabotaged to take care of her and my nephew.
She has tried every diet I imaginable, weight watchers, Medifast, nutrisystem, juicing, and even has checked into a medical rehab to no avail. she is not a candidate for gastric bypass because of her obesity related health issues. I have tried to gently encouraged her to see a psychologist to figure out the root cause of here weight issues, but she is resistive, starts accusing me of telling her what to do and we get nowhere.
I try not to get too involved in her life because I don’t want to get sucked into her issues. She is quick to point out that she is an adult. I feel at a loss as to what to do. My husband is sick of it. We would like to be able to eventually retire and move from here. What am I suppose to do? Part of me just wants to be left alone. I feel for my nephew, he loves his mom but he is suffering in school, I don’t know what the future hold for him, but is it my responsibility to take this on? She needs him. She refuses to see how her actions affect me,my husband, our life and her son’s life. I feel she needs an intervention.
Any thought? Suggestions?</p>
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You dont HAVE to do anything. You are allowing yourself to get sucked in. It sounds like it is not appreciated, but somehow expected. You can’t change her- you can only change how you respond to her. If she says she is having health problems, politely say “I am sorry to hear that”. Do NOT follow with “what can I do?” She has made her choices, and she can deal with them. She (and most people) really don’t want unsolicited advice, so its best not to offer it. I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but the one who needs to change is you-- she doesn’t plan to.
Good luck!</p>
<p>What I read in your post is that you do want to “do” for your nephew. How old is he?</p>
<p>I also would like to know how old your nephew is. I think he could benefit from seeing a counselor who can help him learn to set boundaries and to take care of himself.</p>
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<p>Retire and move from there. She will find someone else to glom onto…that’s what people like her do.</p>
<p>I know you love your sister and, much as you wish you could help her, only she can take that first step to truly work on herself. I, like Kei-o-lei, believe your nephew is probably (understandably so) your main concern in this situation. How old is he? His father is not involved in his life at all? Does he have older siblings? What about other aunts and uncles? I think once we know the nephew’s age, it will be easier to make suggestions on how to help. </p>
<p>As for programs for your sister, have you ever seen that show ‘Heavy’ where the lives of two people are documented for six months while they go through a life-changing weight loss program at a weight-loss clinic? She could certainly benefit from something like that. From what I read in your post, it doesn’t sound like she works. Is she on disability?</p>
<p>Good advice, lmnop. She will continue to devour more than food if you let her, OP.</p>
<p>You need a counselor for YOU. You need to figure out what you can do to help without crossing the lines of being used, harming your family and yourself. Although alcohol is not the issue, AlAnon’s philosophy and advice would really be helpful because a lot of your behavior is enabling whether intended or not.</p>
<p>I can understand your reluctance to get involved with your sister’s problems given her toxic nature. I am familiar with this type of person, one of whom was an aunt of mine. You always feel as if you’re walking on eggshells around them. My parents made sure, after my uncle died, that my cousins always knew they would be there for them. Family sticks together.</p>
<p>Are there any more family members around? Is he a good kid? I feel for your nephew. If the father is not in the picture and there are no other relatives his mother, such that she is, may be all he has besides you. I think your nephew would benefit more from counselling than your sister. He also needs a “port in the storm” if he’s still in school. You don’t have to take on all the responsibility, but it would do him a world of good to know that you are there, even if it is inconvenient for a little while. As for your sister, well, she will have to decide herself where her “rock bottom” lies, and from what you say, she’s not anywhere near that right now. You can do nothing for her at this point, but you can at least do something (and you decide the extent of that “something”) for your nephew.</p>
<p>Thank you for your replies. There really isn’t anyone else at this point. My nephew is 13 and I did suggest he see a counselor, but she resist any suggestions. I feel I am at a rock and a hard place to do anything. I do watch what I say, because I am the b.i.t.c.h. And older sister who she has thought in the past that I wAs trying to run her life. Secretly, I think she hates me, but she has to,“tolerate” me because I am useful to her, she has no one else. Some of her friends have abandoned her, she will wear you out. We do not visit but on a rare occasion. I have distanced myself to some extent, but sometimes I feel guilty because, I’m all she has.</p>
<p>Your sister is an addict. Unfortunately, food is the only addiction where quitting cold turkey doesn’t work. You say “practically house-bound”. Can you get her out, one more try, to Overeater’s Anonymous? [Overeaters</a> Anonymous - Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous](<a href=“http://www.oa.org/]Overeaters”>http://www.oa.org/)</p>
<p>(I notice, checking their website, that they have telephone meetings. Your sister wouldn’t have to leave the house.)</p>
<p>Vot123,
I don’t know where rock bottom is. She has almost died twice, on respirator both times. I thought the last time she “got it”, but I guess not. I’ve been there to pick up the pieces when the $&@( hits the fan.</p>
<p>dmd77,
Thank you for the OA link.</p>
<p>Based on what you’ve told us, it sounds like your sister won’t live a full life. If she died tomorrow, where would your nephew go? It’s very sad that he has to live in a situation like that. Since you believe she hates you already, what about approaching her and telling her that due to her lifestyle, it’s obvious she won’t be around much longer and maybe your nephew should go ahead and come live with you. Of course that will, I assume, make her furious and maybe that’s what she needs. Maybe she needs to get good and angry enough to really get with, and stick with, a program. Unfortunately, punishing her by not being involved in any way punishes the nephew, too. It’s very sad.</p>
<p>I have asked her about a will. There is a sketchy one somewhere. With the ex on it I think. She does not like to share these things with me, but she says I’m her healthcare proxy. She has Made many bad choices. I am resentful that she has not considered the impact. She wants to check into a treatment program yet again. I don’t feel it is the way to go. She needs a psychologist/therapist. Here is a woman who was so charismatic, vibrant and full of life, always had lots of friends, but since my mom died and her marriage broke up, she has declined in health and in spirit. Although she always seems upbeat and positive.</p>
<p>Well, if your sister is being considered for bariatric surgery, a psychological evaluation is usually required in advance to see if she is appropriate for the procedure.</p>
<p>Would your sister consider sending your nephew to boarding school?</p>
<p>Regardless, what Jym originally said is correct. You can’t actually help her, anyway, though I do understand the desire to help your nephew. You may not be able to do that, either, if he’s not in any actual danger, right now.</p>
<p>Good luck, to you. It can’t be easy.</p>
<p>Juicyjuice2, I have no idea how one goes about getting on that program, ‘Heavy’, but it is a six month residential program and they have psychologists, nutritionists, trainers, etc. They deal with the body and the mind. Google ‘Heavy’ the TV program and see if it gives contact information. I know there is help out there … it’s just a matter of finding it. It’s time to get in your sister’s face and tell her it’s bad enough her son’s father is not involved in his life, but now it appears he’ll probably be without a mother, too. Maybe you should use an approach similar to that used in interventions, i.e., “If you don’t get help today, I will no longer be able to accept your calls nor will I be responsible for being your healthcare proxy” etc. Keep in mind I’m no psychologist and the last thing I would want to do is give bad advice. I’m just trying to imagine how I might handle such a situation. Good luck!</p>
<p>Did you sister ask you if you wanted to be healthcare proxy? Do you want to serve in that capacity? You aren’t obligated to, and trust me, having just been through that with my dad and having to deal with very difficult sibling (who had no official right to give any input, but one does what one has to to keep the peace) it is no picnic. She is putting a lot on you, with little input from you.</p>
<p>Splashmom has good suggestions. If you are prepared to and can comfortably set a limit, please consider doing so. For your sanity and peace of mind. You will obviously do what you can for your nephew. Unfortunately you cannot do much for your sister. Don’t let her isues become yours.</p>
<p>Who at the nephew’s school knows that you are the go-to aunt when things go wrong with his mom’s health? Do you have any kind of relationship with anyone on the staff there? Yes there are limits as to what they can tell you and what they can do because you (not the mom or the kid) are the one doing the asking, but the staff can do some things without having to have full participation from the mom.</p>