<p>I don’t have any advise in regards to your sister, but I want to commend you for taking care of your nephew, and I hope that you will continue to do so. 13 is such a young age to assume this kind of responsibility.</p>
<p>I was never asked to be the healthcare proxy. She is not eligible for bariatric surgery because her risk factors are too great.<br>
We have made some contact In his school because of her hospitalizations, but it really is limited.
Boarding school for my nephew is not an option because he does so much for her, she cannot survive without him. Thank you for all the advise. Your words have been helpful</p>
<p>OP - I won’t comment on your experiences or observations. Suffice to say that your sister wants you to keep your opinions to yourself, while at the same time providing unlimited support. (You don’t really think there’s any level of effort that will satisfy her, do you?) I have encountered similar personality types, and I’ve found what separation works best. Make a plan for you nephew, in event your sister can no longer care for him. Your support can make a difference in his life. </p>
<p>I’m unconvinced your efforts will make a difference in your sister’s life. Why make yourself sick over this?</p>
<p>Juicyjuice2 – You say your sister won’t survive w/o her son around to fetch and carry the load. That’s just ridiculous. <em>Of course</em> she’ll survive. She is an emotional vampire and she’s sucking the life right out of her son and you too. People like that don’t roll up and die when their enablers get fed up or die themselves. They just find new people to batten on to. </p>
<p>And what is your nephew supposed to do in a few years when he wants to go to college…give up any kind of a future to spend 30 or 40 years catering to a monstrous mother because everyone is telling him how much she <em>needs</em> him? This is not a healthy relationship; even the little bit you’ve described is horrifyingly selfish. If this were a marriage, wouldn’t you tell him that it’s time to get out? The fact that it is his own mother who is behaving like this makes it even worse. </p>
<p>You don’t owe your sister a darn thing; she’s made her bed and she’s an adult. But it’s time to intervene for your nephew’s sake. He is drowning and you are his life-line. No 13 yr old should have to shoulder everything for someone who seems to care so little for him or for herself. Get him out. Get him help to deal with the guilt, the resentment, and to find that he has value in more than his servitude. Teach him that life isn’t as dark as it must seem. Let him find some joy in his childhood before it’s completely over.</p>
<p>^ AND your nephew needs to know that “home life” doesn’t have to be the one he’s currently living … and that when the time comes, he shouldn’t treat HIS children the way he’s being treated.</p>
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<p>Yup…Novelisto hits it on the head.</p>
<p>^^I third that. Novelisto has geat points. Your sister needs to hit rock bottom, or she will never change.</p>
<p>Obviously it would be nice in a perfect world if you could “get your nephew out” of there. But you can’t. It doesn’t actually work that way, not without getting all sorts of outsiders involved, getting involved in something that may or may not even be helpful to him in the long run. If it is possible for you to get a counselor involved, maybe through the school, that could be useful. But, honestly, unless your sister WANTS you to “get him out of there,” or unless he is in danger and you are willing to get into what it would take to prove that, you are just going to have to “be there” for him without getting overly involved with your sister.</p>
<p>As in, “I know your mom can be tough. You should know you can call me and come and stay with us any time you want,” (though of course that may not turn out to be true if it’s not something your sister wants.) In the meantime, just get on with your own life and stay in touch with your nephew when you can. Just be aware that moving on with your life isn’t going to “feel good” at first, and it isn’t going to leave you feeling like the hero, either. But, yeah, trust me, you aren’t as imperative to the situation as you seem to think you are. People have been living through this kind of stuff for hundreds of years without your help. ;)</p>
<p>It has been a rough road, I’ve learned to set boundaries with her. I don’t visit, unless I have to. I call to check in once or twice a week. Our conversations are superficial, we talk about a TV show, maybe a recipe or a little family gossip. the realization that I no longer have a meaningful relationship with her hit me sometimes. I still grieve that aspect of my life sometimes. Playing hardball with her is not in my comfort zone, but I do it. It took me awhile to get there, but I’ve had to do it. My husband can’t stand her. He has sat my nephew down and laid it on the line to him about his mother and in not so nice terms. I was horrified, but someone had to do it. His schoolwork is suffering. He knows that he can always call us with anything. I have taken him shopping( for her) and he know she is annoying, controlling, so he has developed habits to ignore her, avoid her, not always good, but it is his survival tactics. He is a happy kid, funny, typical 13 yr old. He talks back, likes his video games, tv, plays his instrument, likes to act and sing. He’s adapted very well and I think he gets his mother’s act, I think. My daughter tries to keep in contact with him, although not as easy now that she is away.</p>
<p>Poetgrl, I have already taken those steps and you are right, it doesn’t always feel good, but it is my survival. My husband has really helped me get past some of the hurdles.
Novelisto, you hit the nail on the head, she will suck the life out of someone. That why I stay away. I actually believe that she contributed to the demise of my mother, by her emotional sabotage. She was living with her at the time because she separated with H and had a baby and couldn’t do it alone. She monopolized my mothers time, energy, home, money, etc.</p>
<p>Well, then, excellent. Then, all you really probably want is for somebody to say you are doing the right thing. You are.</p>
<p>I know you already know this, but "helping’ people like that the way they want to be helped is actually not very helpful. Too bad they don’t teach you THAT one in jr. high.</p>
<p>Good luck to you.</p>
<p>Actually, poetgirl, Junior High is actually where most of us learn to spot the users, the whiners, and the ‘poor little pitiful me’ types! The real problem is when they are your teachers! But that’s a whole 'nother ball of string! </p>
<p>JJ2 - I am glad your nephew is handling matters so well. But I do hope you realize that <em>She Will Survive</em> if he leaves, just as she survived your pulling back and the death of your mother. (My condolences, by the way). I hope he does leave, that he has a plan for his life that doesn’t include continuing to orbit the giant black hole of suck she represents. It is that thinking you should encourage, not the ‘she’ll <em>die</em> without him’ idea you expressed. </p>
<p>You might look at counseling for yourself, to help you deal with these ideas and your feelings of guilt at leaving her to her own mess. It could help you deal with the subtle anger you seem to have which, in my entirely unprofessional opinion, while healthier than guilt can damage your other relationships. You don’t need to go long-term; a couple of talking-it-out sessions with a good therapist can do wonders to get you past difficult emotional situations.</p>
<p>I am not suggesting that your nephew be immediately removed from his mom’s home[ at this time anyway] , but I think that child protective services would want to be informed of and not look favorably on a situation where a parent is dependent on a 13 year old CHILD for so much. IMHO your nephew should be moved elsewhere, for his own sake and future. All of these-
“His schoolwork is suffering. He knows that he can always call us with anything. I have taken him shopping( for her) and he know she is annoying, controlling, so he has developed habits to ignore her, avoid her, not always good, but it is his survival tactics.”</p>
<p>are reasons for some sort of outside intervention, if nothing can be drastically changed with his current situation. His own life will suffer more and more as her health continues to deteriorate, due to her bad habits/ addictions/ decisions etc,etc…
The question is - how bad does it have to become before another adult steps in and gets this kid into a more stable , nurturing environment? the mother is probably a lost cause, sorry to say, but should a 13 year old have to bear that kind of burden because of who is he was born to?</p>
<p>This child needs out now.<br>
I have spent long minutes writing about family members with obesity issues, and friends with obesity issues and how it goes into the next generation…then deleting them all…</p>
<p>This child needs out now. Bring him into your home and cut ties with mom if you can, get him into some other place if you can’t. He is 13.</p>
<p>First, let me say that I respect everyone’s opinion and I get why you are urging her to get the nephew “out.” </p>
<p>That said, getting the nephew out isn’t something you can just do. It’s a messy process, painful, and it may not even be doable. The courts don’t take kids away from parents just because they are obese or disabled or less than ideal. The process itself can be incredibly painful for the child, and not what the child wants, anyway, when it comes right down to it, as well.</p>
<p>You can’t just take a kid from the mother to your house. It’s not legal. You can get in a lot of trouble for this.</p>
<p>Just wanted to say that. It’s not that simple to take a child from his/her mother, and it shouldn’t be, either. Outsiders, even when they are family, are not the final arbiter, and depending on where the sister lives (crowded urband area), it is quite possible social services will have very little interest in this story. More importantly, are you 100% positive this is the best move? It’s incredibly drastic, and since he has no father, potentially very psychologically damaging.</p>
<p>Not saying you “shouldn’t” Just saying it’s not necessarily up to you, as tough as that can seem.</p>
<p>Another option is to reach out to the local child protective services and let them do an assessment. What is happening, with moms illnesses and dependency, would likely fall into the category of neglect. The child protective services may have acces to asistance they can provide for the mom. If not, they may support the need to get the child in a beter environemnt, and thats where the OP comes in. Even if they feel she isnt neglectful at this point, having an open case on file is a start.</p>
<p>And as for boundaries, perhaps even firmer onses is worth considering. Let her call you, rather than you call her. The phone does work in 2 directions. If she only calls when she wants/needs something, that should be another huge red flag. Let your nephew know he can call you, so he doesnt feel abandoned, but your sister is being allowed to be helpless, dependent and enabled.</p>
<p>It is easy for the OP to come to an agreement about caring for her nephew. Plenty of kids ‘run away’ to family w/o courts or CPS ever being involved. Attorneys, maybe, to draw up agreements over who pays for what (college, medical, etc.) but sometimes these things are hammered out in private. </p>
<p>But JJ2 (and her family) and the Nephew and the Mom all have to agree that this is the best interest of the Nephew or it won’t work. Mom can’t use Nephew’s continued staying with JJ2 as leverage and JJ2 can’t use withholding Nephew to get whatever she wants her sister to do. The grownups would all have to behave like grownups, and that Mom doesn’t seem capable of…or they wouldn’t be in this situation. </p>
<p>I believe Poetgrl was right when she said JJ2 was looking for validation in the decisions she has already made. Our recommendations (from a position of knowing only what JJ2 has said) don’t matter.</p>
<p>I suggest she writes the same letter to an internet advice columnist (Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post is quite good) and see what she says. Maybe a pro will have a different view.</p>
<p>Who is identified as guardian should something happen to mom? Who will get custody?</p>
<p>I appreciate all the advise. As far as taking my nephew out of the house? I have thought about that and have discussed this with my husband but it really is not justifiable at this juncture.He is well adjusted and my sister has provided for him with everything that he needs, physically. He goes to camp, plays sports, has a few friends over, etc. We have resigned to the fact that he may be with us at some point, because of her health issues,as it is he has spent many weeks with us through her hospitilizations over the past several years. We do not live too far and we try to maintain things quite normal for him. It can be a struggle because we are more strict and have different rules in our house than she has in hers. By the same token, we play aunt and uncle and make meals for him, drive him to school and don’t expect him to do the same things that is expected from him at his own home. He is very attached to her and loves her to death. She is all he has. He is a happy kid, but he is a typical 13 yr old.
He has been put in some terrible situations, not any fault of his. When the Visiting Nurse came to her house after a hospitilization, they taught him how to change her dressings. I was furious! Even her MD’s have put some of the burden on him. So everyone is doing this. What infuriates me is that my sister does not stop this when it happens. She sometimes makes him the adult. She hang up on me when I complain to her about some of these things. i good friend of mine told mer I need to “detach with love”. This is what I have been trying to do, but it is painful to watch your own sister self-destruct.</p>
<p>I am going to look into counselling for my self to help me be ok with all this stuff.
@jym626, my sister has never identified a guardian. she will not discuss this with me, but I would fight to be his guardian if anything ever happenned to her.
What I find amazing, is that she always had so many friends, but one by one they abandoned her. I am always the one there to pick up the pieces when she is hospitalized. No one else comes forward to help, not even family, except only one of her friends and I am so grateful because she had helped me with some of the babysitting.</p>
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<p>I don’t find that amazing at all…actually, sadly predictable.</p>
<p>if things start to deteriorate further, and your nephew, as he gets older, becomes too busy with school, or unwilling to deal with the responsibilities being thrust upon him, I strongly suggest you take jyms advise:
“reach out to the local child protective services and let them do an assessment. What is happening, with moms illnesses and dependency, would likely fall into the category of neglect. The child protective services may have acces to asistance they can provide for the mom. If not, they may support the need to get the child in a beter environemnt, and thats where the OP comes in. Even if they feel she isnt neglectful at this point, having an open case on file is a start.”</p>