<p>The situation: Husband’s nephew is getting married in a small inn. It’s in our state but a long drive away. Husband takes care of his mother, the groom’s grandmother who is in assisted living near us. Grandma got a wedding invitation but cannot go alone, as I’m sure the nephew knows. Grandma would go if husband could take her, but husband did not get an invitation. </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Does husband take his mother and then stay in his room in the inn while the wedding goes on?</p></li>
<li><p>Should something be said to the groom or his parents about the situation? I wouldn’t attend this wedding if a belated invitation came after husband asked for one. He might in order to take his mother.</p></li>
<li><p>Should grandma just forget about it and not attend grandson’s wedding? </p></li>
</ol>
<p>I don’t understand my husband’s family. In my family this would be considered an intentional snub, not only to the uncle who didn’t get invited but also to the grandmother. They know she cannot travel by herself but they send an invitation (fishing for a gift I suppose), knowing that she cannot attend alone.</p>
<p>Right now, grandma thinks that our invitation to the wedding got lost in the mail. But hers came weeks ago. </p>
<p>I think husband should talk to the nephew’s parents, presumably his brother/sister and, if it’s true that grandma would love to attend, say that he would be happy to come as her escort, but that he doesn’t have an invitation to the wedding. It should all be about what Grandma wants to do, in my opinion. And you do NOT have to get them a gift, though Grandma should if she goes (and I’d assume she’d want to anyway.) In the unlikely event they say “no” to your husband, then I would make that clear to Grandma, and have your husband inquire as to which of the invited guests will be coming to transport her.</p>
<p>I would respond to the situation thinking only of grandma’s feelings. That is, if she wants to go to grandson’s wedding, your husband could take her and, yes, stay at a hotel while she attends. (Actually, you could both go since you wouldn’t be attending the wedding anyway).</p>
<p>Actually, to me, this action would show the nephew up as an ass. Don’t say a word, just drop grandma off at the wedding and pick her up.</p>
<p>The only problem is how to explain it to grandma. Be honest but upbeat, I suppose.</p>
<p>I would have your H call his brother/sister and inquire. Surely they know that he looks after his mother, right? And that she could not attend on her own? It’s possible that his invitation got lost. We actually had that happen with three invitations when one of my Ds got married, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility.</p>
<p>Would it be typical for this family not to include an uncle to a wedding? I can’t imagine that but then there are some weird families out there. I would be very sad for any grandmother who wouldn’t be able to attend a grandchild’s wedding. However, I think it would be terrible if your H had to sit in his hotel room and not attend. When my first D got married, it would have been impossible for her paternal grandparents to attend without the incredible and involved assistance of an aunt and uncle. All, of course, were invited and we paid not only for a van to transport them all more easily to the city where the wedding took place but also for the hotel rooms for all of them. For families to snub certain family members like appears to have happened to you and your H is far beyond the realm of my experience in how families treat each other.</p>
<p>I hope that I’m right and the invitation got lost. Good luck.</p>
<p>the fault might lie with the invite list not being clear to the brides family…who would be the ones doing the mailing. Its ceertainly worth the call since H’s sibling (grooms parent) might not be aware of the problem at this point.</p>
<p>As someone who got married at a small inn, and really pushed the boundaries as far as the size of the guest list went, I am going to suggest that they really didn’t have room to invite you and your husband, as that would have opened up things to the same degree of relationship on the bride’s side, and pretty soon people would have been eating in the parking lot. Have pity on these people. There are a whole bunch of family dynamics at work that you can have no idea about, as well as those of which you are aware. Haven’t you been to enough weddings already? Are you close to this kid? I think it would be lovely if you looked at this from your mother in law’s point of view, as a really nice thing you can do for her. Call the brother or sister. Tell them that she wants to attend and you would like to try to make that happen for her. Ask if anyone is attending who could bring her, and then, if there is no one, make the offer for your husband to bring her. By then, there may have been some regrets that will make room for your husband and the offer may be made for him to attend also, if not, he should make other plans and pick her up when the event is over. Give them the gift of the benefit of the doubt and your understanding that is about everything and everyone but you. It’s a nice thing to do for his mother, if you can swing it. Then wish them well and forget about it.
Just a suggestion.</p>
<p>Talk to the grooms parents. Explain that Grandma cannot attend alone (which they probably know) but that she was hoping to attend. See what they offer for a solution. Perhaps they just didn’t think of this. I would hope they could squeeze ONE more person (grandma’s escort) into that inn.</p>
<p>We had a VERY small wedding, about 35 people. All of my husband’s aunts and uncles were invited to the wedding (as were all of the grandparents).</p>
<p>Is there any reason why grandma can’t make the inquiry herself? That makes more sense to me - I’d feel awkward if I were TatinG’s husband inviting myself to the wedding.</p>
<p>Can grandma call and tell them that she’d really like to come but does not have a way to get there…and see how groom’s parents respond. If it truly was an oversight, they will likely bring up TatinG’s husband. If not, they may just say, “oh we are sorry you can’t make it. We’ll take lots of pictures for you.” That would be a clue to me that grandma’s invitation was just a courtesy, and they didn’t expect her to come.</p>
<p>I would call the parents of the groom, as well, and tell them that I would be delighted to chauffeur grandma to the wedding and remind them that the bridal couple needs to make arrangements for her support on the day of the wedding.</p>
<p>My husband’s mother is 90 and getting a little fuzzy. She didn’t realize that the wedding was even in our state until we saw the invitation on her desk. She had just assumed that the wedding would be held in the bride and groom’s home state when in fact, they are coming to our state, a resort area, to be married. We are the only family in this state. Everyone else is in the midwest. </p>
<p>And assuming that the wedding would be a plane trip away, she likely already sent in a regrets RSVP. I didn’t see the RSVP with the invitation which she was keeping as a memento with her photographs. </p>
<p>Husband thinks that I should just drop it. It is his family. He and his brother are cordial but not close. His brother hasn’t even come to see his own mother in years, he does call her weekly. (Which is another reason I cannot believe they didn’t use this wedding as a family reunion.) I did say that the entire wedding party is coming from the midwest to the west coast and we, the only west coast family members are not invited. It’s not a large family. This is husband’s only living brother.</p>
<p>This is completely understandable. However, when you did this, did you put the word out to your relatives that this is the reason they are not invited? See, I would do this, and would think most people would if they had good relations with their relatives, rather than leaving them to wonder.</p>
<p>Everyone knows that grandma is in a wheelchair. They know that she cannot drive. They know that she cannot fly alone. They know that she has a caregiver in her assisted living home. </p>
<p>And they know that we live just a few blocks away and take her everywhere she needs to go. </p>
<p>But to make too much of this would only hurt Grandma. Until we saw the invitation, she didn’t even realize the wedding was in our state. Now she knows that her other son will be in-state, and likely won’t come to see her either before or after the wedding. And these are not poor people who can’t afford the air fare. They have two homes and a high-living lifestyle of travel, golf, boating, etc. </p>
<p>So I will drop it. And save money on future invitations to graduations, our childrens’ weddings and all such future occasions.</p>
<p>This is sad…but I will say…my husband’s family turns EVERY wedding into some OTHER family event (a birthday, chance for a reunion, anniversary celebration…you get the idea). Personally I think the wedding should not be a multitask affair.</p>
<p>That being said…I think it’s sad that grandma can’t attend…but if she’s fine with it…let it go. There are some advantages to being “fuzzy” in one’s old age. Grandma sounds happy that she got the invite, and that’s that.</p>
<p>This is a hard one. I had a very close friend whose brother was estranged from him and his mother. He was also his mother’s caregiver. However, I think both my friend and his mother did receive an invite to the wedding.</p>
<p>My friend was torn as he would have to fly cross country with his elderly mother, who was uncomfortable about traveling by air.</p>
<p>We talked it over more than once and I urged him to call his brother with whom he had not spoken in years.</p>
<p>To make a long story short my friend, his significant other and his mother all traveled to the wedding. His mother was thrilled to be at the wedding and meet the new addition to her family. She reconciled with her son, daughter-in-law and reestablished a relationships with her now grown grandchildren. My friend also reconciled with his brother and his family.</p>
<p>He said it was one of the best decisions he had ever made. Less than a year later his mother died of cancer. His brother’s family is also happy that they saw her before her death and my friend’s mother often called her adult grandchildren, her son and even her daughter in law. My friend’s relationship with his brother and his brother’s family is very meaningful to him after decades of not speaking with each other.</p>
<p>So, think about the future and even if you never see your brother-in-law’s family how much it might mean to your mother-in-law and to the new bride and grandson for her to be there. Your husband, although he is in a difficult situation, should call the groom’s family and talk it over with them. There might be some reason, albeit unconscious, that the wedding is being held in the same state as your elderly mother-in-law. Your husband should ask if someone could pick his mother up and take her to the wedding. He could explain that she did not realize that the wedding was being held nearby and had assumed it was in the bride’s home state.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your family. These type of situations are never easy, but think about the future. This is really more about your mother-in-law, not you and your husband although I suspect he is hurt by the actions of his brother. I am glad that your mother-in-law has someone she can depend on.</p>
<p>hmm…
You clearly are very sympathetic and a wonderful daughter in law! Your husband’s brother and his son are clearly eejits on the other hand. I think the invite to the grandmother was simply a request for a gift, in fact, not a true invitation… if it were a true invitation, then her caring son and daughter in law would also have been invited. </p>
<p>I know you are only thinking about your mother in law in this case, which is very mature of you. And, she is not a pawn to be played with. But, maybe she would actually like to see her 2 sons together once more before she dies, since the other son never visits, for example.</p>
<p>I would call or write the other brother and say something like this. ‘As you know, mom will be unable to attend the wedding, since we were not invited and she is unable to transport herself. Therefore, I hope that maybe you can visit after the wedding and give mom the pleasure of seeing us together one last time.’</p>
<p>TatinG, it seems that you are the one who is upset by this, and your husband is shrugging it off. If I were you, I would hold off on any angry decisions about what invitations will or won’t be extended in the future to your husband’s family. It may have nothing to do with the brother at all-- typically, men avoid the wedding invitation controversy–and young couples can make some horribly insensitive choices. I have found that a short memory and a refusal to keep score are excellent tools in these situations. Act as you feel when situations come up rather than gathering a grudge around yourself now to save for later.</p>
<p>I’d be less formal.
“Bob, we were over visiting Mom and saw she got an invitation to Biff’s wedding. Had you guys given any thought to how to get her there? I know she’d like to go.”</p>
<p>Maybe it isn’t about getting a gift out of Grandma.Maybe they know she can’t attend but wanted to send a courtesy invitation.Would it have been worse if they hadn’t acknowledged that she was still alive by not sending one? Is it so wrong that after the wedding is over other events can’t happen?As long as you are not encroaching on the wedding what is the harm?I would think people would appreciate not having to travel multiple times for different events when people are already there.</p>
<p>I agree with DeskPotato, and also with the several posters who suggest that perhaps the bride’s family, who probably issued the invitation, quite likely didn’t realize the logistics involved with having Grandma at the wedding. The groom perhaps does not understand his grandmother’s situation and so did not convey it to his fiancee’s family.</p>
<p>If you treat this as a misunderstanding rather than a snub you’re more likely to have a good resolution. Even if it was a snub.</p>
I would be very sad for any grandmother who wouldn’t be able to attend a grandchild’s wedding. However, I think it would be terrible if your H had to sit in his hotel room and not attend. When my first D got married, it would have been impossible for her paternal grandparents to attend without the incredible and involved assistance of an aunt and uncle. All, of course, were invited and we paid not only for a van to transport them all more easily to the city where the wedding took place but also for the hotel rooms for all of them. For families to snub certain family members like appears to have happened to you and your H is far beyond the realm of my experience in how families treat each other.</p>