<p>
</p>
<p>Maybe they think she can’t attend and do not realize that (1) she could attend with the assistance of a support person (either a member of your household or a professional caregiver), and (2) she would like to attend.</p>
<p>It sounds as though someone needs to explain the exact details of Grandma’s situation to them and ask whether an extra person could be included to assist her.</p>
<p>Can grandma talk to her son (your H’s brother) telling him she needs your H to take her to the wedding?</p>
<p>Your family dynamic would determine who should speak to which family member on the other side, but since there are already some bad feelings, at least for you, it seems like a no lose situation to inquire. If the bad intentions are there, it’s no worse than you thought, any other issue (misunderstanding, lost in mail, etc) means better news.</p>
<p>
In this situation, your husband is correct. It’s his family, his mother and his brother, and has little to do with you.</p>
<p>Che da, that is true. It is a mystery how even after decades of marriage it still comes down to “your” family and “my” family.</p>
<p>
There were probably at least 2 decades, the most formative ones, when it really was “my” family and “his” family. There are dynamics that none of us understand about our spouse’s family and upbringing.</p>
<p>It’s funny that even though I’m in my 50’s, when I visit family, we all revert to our childhood roles.</p>
<p>As a Four Star General in the army of dysfunctional family let me give you a different scenario. I suspect all of our children will be getting married in the next few years. We have a …challenging relationship with my husband’s family. My mil is 91 and can’t WAIT to go to weddings. My bil and sil are paid to take care of her. They hate Jews (and everyone else who isn’t a rich WASP). We didn’t talk to them for nearly three decades. My children don’t want them anywhere near them.</p>
<p>IF my mil is alive she will be invited against all my children’s wishes. This is “respect”. BIL will be invited as her escort. SIL will not be invited. She won’t show up anyway. Their son: no invite.</p>
<p>If mil dies: nope, nothing…nada. I don’t care if the wedding has 50 or 500 guests. Not invited…no one…no announcement. And they do take care of mil. We don’t see her that often. We call three times per week. But then again, we’re not “allowed” in their house. So, in OUR case, that’s a reason why we don’t see her often. Standing outside for five minutes waiting for mil in the heat or rain…no. They opened door upon her return, grab her and slam the door. No invite…period.</p>
<p>Does my husband "miss"the brother that he had? Probably. But that guy is dead…and the rest of us don’t care.</p>
<p>Well personally I would not want to go under these circumstances. so I would take the high road, bring her and wait in the Inn. H also has siblings who treat his mother in ways I dont understand. We stay out of it, and just do the best we can and try to ignore ignorant people. Saying something creates animosity and rarely helps. I have learned this the hard way.</p>
<p>Failing to invite an uncle/aunt…especially one who is responsible for the care of the invited grandmother would not go well in my extended family at all. </p>
<p>Not only will the parents of the nephew never hear the end of it…but if they don’t change their mind…that perceived snub will be held against the couple, their parents/nephew’s in-laws, and unfortunately…possibly their kids. </p>
<p>I’ve known plenty of families…including some individuals within my own extended families who’d hold decades-long grudges for far less…</p>
<p>I love DeskPotato’s idea. Keep it casual and non-judgemental, but definitely address situation. Could be totally harmless (bride’s mom is clueless about logistics and it’s an extremely small wedding venue),there could be some misunderstanding (think MIL is able to manage on her own), the invite could be lost, they want MIL to have courtesy invite even though she cannot come, or the brother/nephew/future wife are truly thoughtless and fishing for a gift. Good communication is important esp. with aging parents that need more and more care.<br>
I am appalled at the way some adult children treat their parents. I know there are some situations that warrant it (abuse, neglect, etc.), but in many cases, it is just plain thoughtlessness. My bro basically ignores my mom who gave him a loving and emotionally happy childhood. He cannot even bother to call her more than once or month. She sees him and his family about 3 days a year if and only if she visits them at their convenience (and they fly free as he is a pilot). His wife does the “your family/my family” thing. I get that for some things (e.g. thank you notes or primary communication), but she takes it to the extreme. Except, of course, that my bro has to help her family when they need something! Maybe I should go to the venting thread, lol.
Sorry for your worries, Tatin. I hope it works out okay. I agree with posters above - I would put your MIL feelings first, appreciate your H who is modeling kindness and attention to his mom for your family, and err on the side of graciousness despite the lack of invite.</p>
<p>I agree with DeskPotato’s idea. It could be that the couple wants the wedding to be very small, and the bride has numerous aunts and uncles and a raft of cousins–and they don’t want to invite all those people. That would mean that they wouldn’t invite you, either.</p>
<p>If the problem is that your husband cannot be included because he is an uncle – and if you invite one uncle or aunt you would have to invite all of them, and that’s too many people – is having a professional caregiver accompany Grandma a possibility? That would avoid any problem with resentment about other uncles and aunts who were not invited. Perhaps there is a staff member from the assisted living facility who would be interested in taking on this assignment on a day off for some extra pay.</p>
<p>Add me to the list of Desk Potato fans. FWIW, my cousin had a very small wedding - sibs, parents, grandparents only. The greatest gift we gave her was to sincerely wish her well (and send a gift) and tell her we understood the guest list situation. She was quite relieved as they had been getting lots of phone inquiries regarding perceived snubs from others.
Of course, this situation differs because of the caregiving bit and the brother’s apparent disinterest in spending time with the mom/brother. I would give them the benefit of hte doubt regarding the invite (take the mom and hang out during the event) and address the family dynamics lovingly after the wedding.</p>
<p>Every family has their own dynamics, and rules, but as a generalization I think your husband should absolutely be in charge of all the decisions and interactions re to this.</p>
<p>I think more weight should be given to the “lost invitation theory”, and if your husband agrees, and cares, he should call to clarify. </p>
<p>If you can’t even speak to these people, why would you want to be involved with a wedding or have any interaction?</p>
<p>Hope it turns out to everyone’s satisfaction!</p>
<p>is it possible the grandmothers invitation envelope was adressed to “grandma and guest”? OP says she saw the invite itself stashed with other saved stuff,maybe w/o seeing the original envelope?
Having recently been the Mother of the Bride in charge of a convoluted/difficult invite and mailing list and then equally difficult seating chart (sibs,etc not speaking to each other) I am sympathizing on the side of an oversight/misunderstanding of grandmas needs and urge some sort of communication witht he parents of the groom. I feel badly for Grandma.At D’s recent wedding, H’s brother rented a Motor Home and piled Grandma and her wheelchair in along with other family members and drove 1/2 way across the country so she could attend (cannot fly anymore). It was a wonderful gesture and everyone was so happy, she had missed a previous family wedding and was able to see all her sisters,children,and grandchildren all together .Since this time shes gotten sicker and probably wont attend another family event that would involve any travel.</p>
<p>No. I did not see the envelope, not even the inner envelope, if this invitation had one. It wasn’t the traditional type. I also did not see an RSVP card which she may have already checked off, not attending and sent it in. As I said she did not really read the invitation and was unaware that it was being held here in state (albeit a five hour drive away). </p>
<p>But it is his family. They prefer to let sleeping dogs lie. And husband does not want to take a day off work and spend a lot of money to travel to a wedding to which he’s not invited. Grandma thinks the trip, even by car would be too much for her, so there it is.</p>
<p>Grandmas at weddings…so special. Clearly you do care about her and know how to help her physically. It sounds like some of the frustration here is you know her as a 3-D human being, not just a name -on-a-list. Of course you want her to have this joy if she can handle the long trip. </p>
<p>What if you asked her, “If you had a free driver-escort, would you want to go? I see it’s a five hour drive, but there are hotels nearby.”</p>
<p>Then based on her answer, you or your H could convey Grandma’s recently expressed wish to the bride’s mother, even if the RSVP card was already sent. If I were a bride’s mom and knew the groom had a Grandma somewhere, I’d be truly eager for her to attend. After all, she was invited – so she made the cut!</p>
<p>The stuff about “if you invite one uncle you have to invite them all” is irrelevant, since the uncle is only there to serve the Grandma’s physical needs, and all can understand that exception. </p>
<p>If H can’t or won’t take off work, and you can put on a happy face, you could go in his place as her helper. If she wants to attend, it’s worth your bending metal to get her there yourself. JMO. </p>
<p>You (as groom’s aunt) could skirt around your H and his brother this way: get direct permission from the groom to call up the bride’s mother. Then just discuss it with her about practicalities - no digs at the groom’s parents and such. All that only if Grandma says, this week, she’d hypothetically like to attend. </p>
<p>Or knowing the players involved, you might first sound out the bride’s mom (with groom’s go-ahead) before asking Grandma, just in case they’d disappoint her by advising you, “no room for her companion.” I can hardly imagine such a thing, however.</p>
<p>Do it soon, because these RSVP dates expire as you already know, of course. Please don’t be dissuaded if it has expired, because in actual fact the “drop deadline” from a caterer is the only real cost penalty to the hosting family to squeeze in one or two more people. Those drop-deadlines for final # plate count is generally given by caterers around a week before the wedding date when they actually buy food. Formal RSVP deadline dates run 6-8 weeks in advance for general planning purposes, but you won’t cause any inconvenience even if the RSVP date on the card expired not too long ago. </p>
<p>Also the bride’s mom needs to know about the wheelchair so she can do the seating plans thoughtfully. In fact, that piece of info needs to be discussed so you have every reason to call the bride’s mom beforehand. Perhaps from that, a larger conversation will flow. I hope for the best for your MIL and nephew.</p>
<p>Has it been confirmed no invite was sent? Mail is imperfect. We had bills get stuck inside a magazine and didn’t notice for weeks. </p>
<p>It is possible the invite was lost. I would do this, call and say, just want to be sure you got grandmas RSVP.</p>
<p>^I love to read short posts. I wish I could write them!</p>
<p>We went to a wedding last spring where the 94 yo grandmother of the bride was doing the hora with all the groomsmen. It was such a joy to see her. Sadly her health has started failing since, but it is a memory her entire family will cherish. (Heck, I get goosebumps thinking about it, and we weren’t even related to the bride or groom!)</p>
<p>My feeling is that grandparents who are still around and healthy enough to see a grandchild married are special beloved guests and accommodations are made. Period. (and that applies to zoosermom’s niece, too. ;)).</p>
<p>That said, if Grandma decides to go, OP’s H should make sure that the restroom is accessible and if there is a length of time between the ceremony and the reception, that she has a place to rest/relax. If Grandma decides an overnight trip is too much (and with a five hour drive each way, I would definitely do it over two days), then that is OK, too.</p>
<p>That said, neither of my parents will be able to travel when my kids are married, and of course they nevertheless would get an invitation. They would be terribly upset not to get one.</p>