My son is a rising junior at Oberlin. He has done well there (one B, the rest As), but hasn’t loved it. He keeps telling me he peaked in high school. He was very depressed this past spring and got extensions in a few of his classes. He finished his work and did well.
He mentioned that he might like to take a year off to figure out what he wants to do. (He does have a merit scholarship, which I imagine he would lose if he did a year off.) We will look into this if he does decide not to return this year.
But the real dilemma is that he has an internet addiction and has substituted videos, games, etc for actual human interaction. We realized that during his last semester, he spent a lot of time in his room watching videos and playing various video games instead of socializing with people. He denies this and claims that he is having down time.
He is reluctantly working at a summer camp, and we have seen him begin to thrive, probably because he has so little time on the internet, and a lot of time with human beings. He is there until about a week before he has to return to college.
I truly believe that if he continues making connections with flesh and blood people, as opposed to internet characters (and friends who are far away), he will be able to continue at Oberlin.
I would love some suggestions on how to broach the conversation about his internet addiction, as well as some advice on how to advise him to limit his time online once he returns to school. I know he can thrive there if he makes an effort to connect with real people. He already has a Dungeons and Dragons group that he plays with once a week, and he does attend the Christian fellowship group sporadically, so he is not totally without peers.
Yes, @doschicos , he had a therapist at Oberlin and is taking antidepressants. His camp is in another state and he is living there for the summer, so no therapy, but he is still taking his meds.
If I had a dollar for ever college student (usually males) I’ve known and read about (often here on CC) that got overly distracted by video games… we could all go out for pizza. In one case, the kid lost his ROTC scholarship and had to enlist in the army (he should have read the paperwork more carefully)>
Alas, I don’t have an answer here. But it does seem that often video games (or for one of my kids just anything-but-studying) can sometimes be more about them not liking / thriving in class. Kudos to you for listening and observing… hopefully you’ll find a good plan.
I would think that therapy outranks camp, school, or work.
Why not spend some time while he’s away checking to see whether there’s a local therapist who takes your insurance. Without insurance, therapy can get really expensive really quickly. Do the groundwork now. And I think I would want him to have a few sessions before he decides what to do in the fall.
what is his plan for that year off? My concern is that he becomes more isolated…BTW, when did he mention taking the year off? before summer or during the camp?
I sometimes wonder if many of us are a little addicted to CC, the easy connections to others and the chance to share opinions at will. I can sometimes compare that to the lure of gaming.
I agree you need to know if there’s a plan. But also try to find out if this is something about his Oberlin experience (or major) that doesn’t fit right. He may not know his options. Good communication can help.
I’m not sure a year off will help unless it has the built iin structured interaction similiar to working at the camp. There is a risk of further isolation online. And I support therapy but it will not successful without changes in social interaction.
I worked for a national park concessionaire during a semester off. It’s a great way to cure an internet addiction as the internet in most parks is horrifically slow or even non existent.
Massmomm, your son is doing well despite the devotion to gaming. Is it possible it is helping him in some ways, by helping him relax for instance? Is there a way for him to integrate the positives of gaming and the positives of the summer’s social interactions without gaming? Addiction treatment is very all or nothing. Perhaps, instead, you can talk to him about his school Internet habits and the summer experience, and encourage him to try to balance his life a bit more, while also recognizing the positives of his gaming.
If he does take a semester off, he could try National Outdoor Leadership School’s wilderness programs. Not only would those experiences be off the grid but I know a couple of young people whose depression was helped by the experience, and they emerged with more clarity on their plans.
I do hope he knows he does not have to know what his future job or career might be at this point. Perhaps he doesn’t know what he wants to study though.
Oberlin is a wonderful community but if the vibe isn’t a good fit, perhaps he could step back. But in my experience a more accepting and supportive social scene would be hard to find so I hope he can stick with it over time.
My son has always played a lot of video games but he is also incredibly busy, was busy in college and is busy now at work (age 30). Still, I had worrries. He now lives in a house with others who also love gaming and it is still his main way of relaxing. But he has always had a few real life close friends, plays Ultimate Frisbee and is very engaged in work. I will say that at some point, antidepressants helped him a lot. Perhaps you can see a future like that for your son
Good luck!
ps looking forward, I also thought about the irony of us being online discussing a problem regarding a kid who spends a lot of time online
When kids say they are burned out and need a break, I take that seriously. A customer service job at a business with a busy team atmosphere (pizza parlor, coffee shop, theme park) might be a good choice for the time off.
Sorry to hear about this concern for your son, OP. He is fortunate that you listen closely and that you are ready and willing to put his needs and well being first.
Looking into policies for a leave of absence is a good idea…but as others pointed out, without a plan, he might just end up spending more internet time at home, while possibly (not confirmed yet?) losing the scholarship.
Is there a way he could do something off campus junior year, that would be absorbing and fulfilling? You rec’d one suggestion about Outdoor Leadership. Are there also school-approved programs he would consider?
Sending best wishes and hoping you will keep us posted.
Would he have interest in a Study Abroad semester or year for a change of pace and scenery, perhaps?
It’s somewhat hard to know what to suggest without knowing how deep his depression is. The fact that he seems to be functioning fine at the summer camp job is a good sign.
Is video gaming the cause of any issues or is it a symptom?
Is he depressed so he plays video games to feel a sense of accomplishment? Also it may be a way to socialize without really having to socialize.
I agree with others…listen to your kid…forcing them to go back without addresssing mental health issues generally doesn’t work out well…but I also agree that he should have a structured plan on something to do (working, etc)
But also have him inquire as to what would happen to any merit scholarship…
and if he would need to start repaying any loans:
One thing I appreciated so much about our kid’s DBT therapist was the big picture approach. I won’t do it justice, in an effort to keep this post short, but think of it as the person feels pressure to avoid tasks or emotions they find unpleasant or upsetting or depressing, etc., and they are driven to behaviors that allow them to avoid the unpleasantness and to things that are highly rewarding to our brains. Video games, alcohol, eating, drugs, porn, etc.
I like this approach very much because if the clients do the work, they learn a LOT about what drives their behavior and they learn important life skills for bringing things into balance & how to manage.
For people who don’t seem to have much trouble getting their work done or don’t have much trouble avoiding sand traps in life, it might be hard to understand how difficult it is for some others.
@Midwest67 , I think you nailed it. He is on the Asperger’s spectrum, and has always struggled to connect socially,so I think he began to take refuge in gaming. And when school becomes a grind, which it can be much of the time, it’s easy to retreat to something that is always exciting. I don’t have a problem with him gaming–he has done this since middle school. I just think it got out of balance his last semester.
I know he plays with actual friends from his high school online much of the time, but I think the hours he spent doing this prevented him from doing the hard work of making real life connections. Friendships are work, no matter how socially competent a person is.
@annamom, @momcinco and @Sportsman88 , you are exactly right that a year off without a plan would be more isolating (and we have recently moved to rural Maine!) and not help. I did tell him that if he chose not to go back to college this year, he would need a plan and that we would strictly limit his online time–no staying up playing until 3 am and then sleeping until noon. That sleep schedule is bad for everyone.
I like the suggestions about outdoor leadership programs if he does take a year off. His positive experience at this camp has made it clear to me that outdoor, physical experiences are very healing for him, even if he engages with them reluctantly.
Thank you all so much for your comments and suggestions, even if I didn’t mention you by name. I really appreciate the wisdom on this board!
What are his interests away from gaming? There are other option for a year off that would be somewhat offline and outdoors away from leadership programs. Things like NOLS get talked about a lot but are VERY pricey (perhaps that isn’t an issue).
@doschicos, he was very into theatre in high school. Had several lead roles, etc… He has done some theatre at Oberlin, but isn’t as interested in it as he used to be. He loves to write (just declared English as his major) and plays badminton as a club sport. That’s about it.
He was very depressed this past spring and got extensions in a few of his classes. He finished his work and did well.