Need some third party advice- no one to talk to, don't want to make a mistake...

Parent Cafe
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<p>I apologize for another relationship thread. I’m more of a lurker here on CC now, and have gotten some great advice, and read some great advice to others. I’m very uncertain of what to do right now, and I don’t have a parent to talk to at the moment, and due to the nature of my dilemma it would either be inappropriate for me to talk to some of my friends, or they wouldn’t really have any pertinent advice for me. So I turn to you all, in hopes that someone can give me some direction.</p>

<p>I’d like to be as vague as possible, to avoid anyone somehow realizing who is involved if they happen to be familiar with my sport.</p>

<p>I compete heavily in a sport that requires me to spend a lot of time training, and a lot of time on the road. In January my coach at the time was not going to be at a particular event, so he had me work with someone he knew. We worked well together, I learned a lot, and so when my coach announced his wife was having a baby and he wouldn’t be traveling for the summer I decided to switch and work with the new guy. This coach still competes himself, and takes on very few students, so I’m currently his only student. Over the last few months of working very closely with him and traveling all over the north east and the midwest I find myself developing feelings for him. </p>

<p>I was never boy crazy. I never had any real desire for a relationship, they always seem like they have too much drama involved, and I hate drama. I’m a cynic that doesn’t believe in true love in the slightest, and was always more comfortable playing sports with the guys, or talking cars and music, than talking clothes and movie stars with the girls. I was always the Girl-Friend and never the Girlfriend. And I was okay with that.</p>

<p>It is very common in my sport for trainer/student relationships to develop, or for relationships with large age gaps to happen. It is also common in my family (parents are 17 yrs apart etc). A couple of coaches back my coach decided he was in love with me, and asked me several times to marry him. There was a somewhat substantial age gap between us, but he was foreign and it is even more common in his country. He was never pushy about it, he never made me uncomfortable, and he never put the “moves” on me. Nothing happened between us, I just wasn’t interested in him in that way. We aren’t as close as we were before, but we are still friendly, and I still care about him. I just want to clarify that I don’t have some obsession with my coaches, and my current coach is very definitely the exception to the rule. If I’d wanted a coach, I could have had one. And this guy was nice, good looking, and very good at what he did. He was very irresponsible with money though, and I knew I couldn’t deal with that. If he hadn’t grown up yet, he wasn’t going to.</p>

<p>The thing with this guy is like nothing I’ve experienced before. I’m very attracted to him physically, but it is more than that too. I have a connection with him that I don’t have with other people. We say the same thing at the same time all the time. We have the same tastes in almost everything. We love the same music, I know what he’s thinking 9 times out of 10, and I love how much I can be myself around him. </p>

<p>He’s flirty by nature, and I have difficulty knowing what might be interest, and what is just his nature. We spend about 16 hours a day together, he invites me everywhere with him, including out to dinner with his friends, to the movies, to dinner with just him, to get his computer fixed, pretty much anything. I’ve been leaving near his training facility, and don’t know anyone in the area so I don’t really have anything else to do. Despite the fact that I’m going away to school (although only a few hours from where he is for half the year- by coincidence, I decided to go there before I met him) he’s told me that there will always be a place for me at any time, and offered me his guest bedroom in his secondary location for the year whenever I needed a break. He refers to me as “his girl” to a few people. </p>

<p>He has a casual on and off long distance relationship with someone that’s been going on for the past few years. I met her a couple of times. He is about 10yrs my senior.</p>

<p>I just don’t know what to do. Or I guess I do a little? But I need some advice I suppose. I don’t know. I definitely have feelings for this guy. I’m an adult, I can legally have relationships with whomever I so choose. But I don’t know if he’s interested, or if I should make any sort of move. He’s so valuable as a teacher to me, and as a friend, and I don’t want to lose that. I’m afraid that over time though, I’ll begin to have trouble ignoring my feelings and desire for more than a friendship though, and that will ruin things as well.</p>

<p>Any thoughts? Or anyone feel like just hitting me over the head with a brick?</p>

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<p>Oh, sweetie, I do feel for you! </p>

<p>From your description, and it’s all that I have to go on, it appears that he likes you very much, is extremely happy to have you as a student, but doesn’t see you in a romantic way. Why do I say that?<br>
First, he has introduced you to his girl friend. You say it’s casual- I wonder what she would say. Second, he introduces you as “his girl.” That’s a very paternalistic way of speaking about a student or younger person that someone is very fond of. Third, he hasn’t made any moves on you–asked you out, or even hinted, it seems.</p>

<p>If you were my kid, I’d advise you to play it cool and keep your romantic feelings to yourself until one of the above situations changes. You don’t want him to pull back his attention and feel that he shouldn’t see you so much because of your feelings for him, do you? I would bet he would, if he knew. And I think that would be pretty painful, awkward for you, and might even ruin the relationship.</p>

<p>It’s so hard when feelings are one-sided. It happens to all of us. :(</p>

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<p>Thanks for the input. Just to clarify- I met the girlfriend when I first met him, before I was working with him. Haven’t seen her since. She lives several states away, and she was the one that originally said it was casual, to a friend of mine who was there and being nosey, as only she can manage to be without ****ing people off. She’d be useful to have around now, too bad she’s in a different country at the moment.</p>

<p>I’m writing this very tired so I apologize for rambling and adding extra things on, as it is long enough already. </p>

<p>Couple more things to add:</p>

<p>My biggest fault in previous relationships is being oblivious. Unless a guy was trying to pin me up in a corner I wouldn’t notice someone making a move unless it was pointed out to me. I’m just special that way. <em>eye roll</em> The one friend I have that has sort of seen the situation is convinced that he is making overt moves, arm around my shoulders, sitting close enough that our shoulders are touching when it isn’t necessary, etc. She is VERY into romance though, so I take her with a grain of salt. </p>

<p>I suspect you are right. Just wanted more thoughts for my piece of mind. I’d hate to miss out again because I didn’t make a move, which is what happened last time I was interested in a great guy. He was apparently unsure of whether or not I was interested, and I was trying to play it cool and came off too cold, so he moved on. We’re friends now, and so he told me this, but its too late to fix it.</p>

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<p>Well, this coach isn’t going anywhere, is he? You have time to reflect.</p>

<p>Sports are a very physical activity. It just seems unlikely that a man 10 years your senior would be shy about making his feelings known, if he had them. Guys are very physical, and when they are around someone they are really into, in as close a proximity as you two are, it would be very hard for him not to let you know if he were interested.</p>

<p>But I’m a 57 year old mom, with just one opinion. Listen to what your gut tells you and you’ll most likely have your answer.</p>

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<p>You make good points, and I do really appreciate them. I don’t live at home, and don’t have a very close relationship with my mother (For very long, complicated reasons. We aren’t hostile, but we don’t interact much) so sometimes I feel a bit lost. Thanks! And I swear I’m not one of those obsessed girls with pictures of him everywhere, and I don’t practice signing my name with his last name or anything weird. Just a feeling thats had me thinking.</p>

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<p>I’d play it cool as well. A lot will be happening when you go off to college soon and if there are feelings currently or developing, I suspect your coach will get around to mentioning them when he feels the time is right. I would cherish the close friendship you currently have and see how both of you feel say around Christmas time. </p>

<p>I’d definitely keep any romantic feelings to myself if I were you & counsel my D (who is your age) to do the same. What you have now is very special and should be cherished as it is.</p>

<p>Relationships between someone (even a mature young person) & a mentor/coach who is ten years older tend not to endure. If this is the exception and meant to last, it will and you will both know it in time. You are at very different phases of your lives–you are just starting college & your future, while he has his career and other obligations. </p>

<p>This summer, my D met a young man who is only 3 years older than her (21). D is beginning her 2nd year of college & this young man is beginning her 1st “real job.” They got along great, but decided that it’s best for them to be “just friends” while both of them see how life evolves as they know they will both mature a great deal in the coming weeks, months and years.</p>

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<p>Very normal feelings, wyldfae. Be good to yourself.</p>

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<p>You don’t say how old you are. If you are 17 - 20, I’d say just stay friends, no matter what. If you are 21 - 24, proceed with caution. If you are older than 24, you have lived life enough to make a decision either way - and be able to handle the fallout if you make the wrong one.</p>

<p>If you are on the younger side (17 - 20) … it may be impossible to imagine it, but you will change a LOT in the years until you hit around 24 or 25… so much so that you will look back on who you were and wonder how it was that you grew so much in the years in between. What you want when you are 17 - 20 is usually quite different than 24+. It will also change in your 30s, in your 40s, etc. Being able to find a partner who can adapt, shift, grow, WITH you is difficult… trying to find that right partner when you are in your early teens or barely 20 is almost impossible. </p>

<p>Similarily, you haven’t really said how many serious relationships you have already been in. If this is potentially your first serious relationship - then lots of warning flags and slow-down flags. (This goes triple if you are still a virgin.) A first relationship, especially one under “special circumstances” like a coach/student relationship is unlikely to stand the test of time. If you have been through a few relationships already, then you understand the highs and lows already and know what you are potentially going to get into.</p>

<p>If he is still dating the other woman long distance, you should insist that relationship official be ended before getting physical with this new guy. That’s just good dating advice for anyone.</p>

<p>If you just want to experience wild, passionate love/lust - then go for it. But my instinct and experience (old age - used to be young!) is that this relationship (large age difference, you being quite young, student/coach dynamic) has a shelf life of 6 months - 3 years max. Young love can be fun to experience, but the break up is usually much more traumatic for the young woman than the experienced older man.</p>

<p>Best regards,</p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>One more thought - research the topic of “transference”.</p>

<p>In strong mentor-student relationships, a pyschological state of transference happens… it happens in teacher/student relationships, coach/athlete relationships, psychologist/patient relationships. It creates a very strong psychological pull between the two people… a PROFESSIONAL teacher/coach/psychologist is AWARE of this emotional bond and will NOT transgress it by pursuing a sexual relationship outside of the professional one. At the same time, a PROFESSIONAL who is aware of this bond (and feels it) will use it ethically to create a learning or growing or healing relationship. </p>

<p>Some of the love/lust you feel, I guarantee, is the effect of transference. Do mentor/student relationships of all types lead to healthy life-long relationships? Anything is possible. But most of the time, these types of relationships will have a lot of problems built into the relationship.</p>

<p>Read up on some articles about transference so you understand this particular component of your feelings for your coach.</p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>I don’t know, it sounds like there may be interest on both sides. Why would a man spend so much time with a student if he didn’t like being with you? Sometimes the obvious is right before us and we don’t see it. He might be hesitant because of the age difference or he may be unsure and not confident in how you might feel and then visa versa on your part. No one knows how to take it to the next level. Everyone waiting for the other to make the first move.Trust your gut and intuition. Sounds like you are falling in love. It is scary, but if you never take the risk, you will never know. It is truly magical and awesome when you can connect with someone on that level. Sometimes it isn’t always best to over analyze these situations. Young love can be fun, non serious and doesn’t always means marriage. Cherish your friendship and see where it takes you.</p>

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<p>As a dad of two girls here - where’s my brick?</p>

<p>This has several red flags already - </p>

<ul>
<li><p>He’s ten years older than you which at this age is a lot. He’s at a way different point in his life than you are. What’s he doing going after someone so much younger than him at this stage in his life (i.e.18-28 is much different than 45-55)?</p></li>
<li><p>He’s already in a relationship. Forget about the fact that it’s ‘long-distance’. It’s still a relationship. What’s he doing with her? Is he trying to play a couple (or more) of different people?</p></li>
<li><p>He’s supposed to be a professional which would mean not getting into relationships with students. He doesn’t sound very professional. What were the circumstances between him and the other girl - was she a student as well?</p></li>
<li><p>What’s the likelihood anything would last with him long-term when after a year or two he’s working with some other young (younger than him) girls?</p></li>
<li><p>Offering you the second bedroom for visits is probably less innocent than it appears and another red flag. </p></li>
</ul>

<p>I hope you proceed very cautiously with this and don’t jump into anything. Go off to school and live that life for a bit. Again, this scenario has a lot of red flags and you’d likely be the one most hurt by it.</p>

<p>I know this sounds a bit harsh but again, I’m a dad of two girls close in age to you.</p>

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<p>I agree completely with ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad…this is not a good situation for you, even if you don’t understand it that way now.
In our town, a middle school volleyball coach who carried on a multiple-year intimate relationship with a student was just sent to jail…the student consented at the time, but realized through therapy several years later how wrong and harmful the experience had been to her and finally told her parents and the police.</p>

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<p>Wyldfae:</p>

<p>It’s not uncommon to develop intense feelings for someone older you’ve been working with very closely. It’s the Pygmalion effect. You did not have them earlier probably because you were younger, among other possible factors. A big concern for you is whether you will ruin a wonderful working relationship if it becomes a personal one. And the chances are very great they will, especially if the personal side becomes complicated. And it sounds as if they would be, considering that he has a girlfriend. However casual that relationship may be, it is still a relationship. Since you will be going to college soon, don’t make any move. Your feelings will become clearer with time and a new environment. If they last, you could reconsider.</p>

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<p>ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad: can I borrow the brick when you’re done?</p>

<p>Not to use on you wyldfae, but on your coach. You sound like a mature, down to earth, lovely person who deserves only the best in a boyfriend/partner. Don’t sell yourself short. Would you really want to be involved with someone who is either so immature or so short on character that he would have a girlfriend and be flirty with a student he is coaching? I think any woman deserves better than that. </p>

<p>You’re gonna meet some truly great guys down the line. Again, hope this doesn’t sound harsh; I just don’t want him to use you - you sound like a great young lady.</p>

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<p>If you were 21 and had been out of the house for a few years I would have different advice, but I think you will be a first time freshman this fall. I think you should stay on a professional level with him. Enjoy college. It will change your perspective.</p>

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<p>ucla<em>ucsd</em>dad: I agree, as a mom of four daughters, I am next in line to borrow the brick. good grief - this whole thing is creepy. I say run, don’t walk, away from this guy.</p>

<p>Your feelings are just that feelings. The reason you have them now is that you are growing up. Go off to college and find a nice guy your own age.</p>

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<p>I’m middle aged and see nothing wrong with a ten year age difference for some young adults, but you need to establish his availability; you don’t want a relationship with someone who drops his girlfriend for you because then his character is questionable. If he is available and you two have any serious potential as a romantic relationship, you need to share these thoughts with him, not us. If you do it in a way that leaves him an easy out if he doesn’t share your perspective, then you won’t ruin the friendship.</p>

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<p>You sound like a high-achiever. A guy who is open to underaged girls ten years their junior? Not so impressive. I think you can do better. I think you can find a guy with no red flags, who has accomplished more. And between now and then, I think you deserve to explore the world and other relationships before getting involved with someone who is at an age where things could get serious. You could lose a whole era of your life. You have a lot more to offer him than he has to offer you. Understand your power. Older guys LOVE younger women.</p>

<p>College will be filled with gorgeous, smart guys in your own age group. Stay away from this one, and wait. You have many experiences and stages to go through in order to become a well-formed adult. Don’t skip any of them. There are MANY fish in the sea.</p>

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<p>^^^Listen to spideygirl, she speaks with great wisdom on this one.</p>

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<p>OP</p>

<p>Listen to your gut… and yourself… You WOULDN"T be posting here if you were feeling really truly comfortable with the situation, now would you?</p>

<p>I don’t think any relationship comes to practical people (which you seem to be) without a few questions. I consider myself practical also. And when I decided to …er… be with … the guy freshman year who is now my H of 30 years, I had a few fears, but not any that would have made me post for advice or even stop what I did. So I think when practical people know, they know and they don’t need to ask for advice. Romantic people would plunge in and deal with the drama. Cold people wouldn’t manage the attachment.</p>

<p>I see lots of good advice here. And if you can cool it until you are done with either school or sport/competition, then maybe you can re-assess . Guess I am trying to say take a break and take a longer view of the situation…</p>