<p>I’ve changed my screen name to post this - its way too recognizable and some folks know me. I want to protect my son’s privacy but I’d like some suggestions. </p>
<p>DS is a college senior. He’s had 3 good years, but last term grades plummeted(he failed one class, dropped a couple others). And he hasn’t made plans for after graduation. Over Spring break, I set down the rules for “after graduation” - if he didn’t have a job he could come home, pay rent, do his share of chores and look for work - but he’d need to find something even if it meant flipping burgers while he looked for the “ideal job”. I worried about what happened to grades last term. He chalked it up to being distracted by gf who was having her own crisis. He didn’t seem depressed over spring break (or I was in denial) - or perhaps the fact he spent much of spring break with gf was enough of a distraction from how he was really feeling. </p>
<p>There are now about 4 weeks left of his school year. He didn’t respond to phone calls over the weekend. When I finally got a hold of him, I learned he is very depressed and hasn’t been able to keep up with his work this term and wasn’t able to do any work at all over the weekend. He has an appointment with the counseling center on campus this week. And I’m hoping he’ll come up with a plan in addition to getting help for depression - but I feel like I need a plan for the summer. I’m wondering though if he’ll be taking a medical leave and coming home before June. Then we’ll have to scramble to figure out money for a 5th year…so much to worry about, but the first priority is supporting him emotionally and getting through this rough spot.</p>
<p>I don’t feel like I can push him to continue looking for a job at this point. I’m not sure he’ll be able to graduate in June. I’m trying to figure out reasonable expectations for him for the summer. My original rules feel harsh, in my mind I’ve let go of insisting he find some sort of work until he’s no longer so depressed. I worry that flipping burgers or working in a store might feel really depressing I also know that I may need to wait until he sees a therapist and find out what they suggest(if I can, after all he’s 21, so I don’t know how much I’ll really know…). He’s my baby though and all my helicopter mom instincts are kicking in. Then I remind myself he’s an adult and he has to get through this on his own, how can I be supportive? </p>
<p>Any suggestions or advice are really appreciated.</p>
<p>Depression is a disease. Think of it in that context… Do the same thing as you’d do if he’d been in a car accident and had major head trauma.</p>
<p>I managed to muddle through a major depression in grad school, but only after a semester of reprieve. He needs to talk to the counseling center and have them help him… If they’re good (the folks at my grad school were good), then they’ll realize how critical this is and they’ll work with him to get a medical withdrawal for the semester.</p>
<p>Depression is crippling. I went from straight-A, superlative student who handled everything, to being someone who could barely get out of bed, skipped all my lectures, and was flat-out flakey… It scared me when I realized how badly I was flaking out, because it was NOT characteristic of me. Depression really controls you… It’s terrifying. Your instincts to help him are right… If this is clinical, then getting him medical and psychiatric help is going to be the first priority.</p>
<p>PM me if you’d like. Both my husband and I went through this… He went through it before I met him, and then I went through it after we’d started dating. Good luck to you all.</p>
<p>You are not being a helicopter parent to help someone who is sick. Help him to get proper professional support, and do whatever you can to avoid adding stress. All bets are off when a young person is in this situation. School, a temporary job, and career considerations are shelved until health is restored. None of it matters until he is well. When his depression is under control, good things will start to happen again.</p>
<p>@cattails – you are doing just fine. Second what the other posters have said, depression is very serious and you instincts are correct, all other rules and expectations for your son fly out the window in the face of this terrible illness. I’m really glad he is going to see a school counselor. Schools are well educated and concerned about mental health issues anymore and they provide good resources for helping students.</p>
<p>Maybe he’s clinically depressed and needs help with that but maybe he isn’t. Maybe he was simply distracted by the GF and slacked on his studies. That happens sometimes. </p>
<p>If it’s the latter, he should have a discussion with his academic advisor and see what it is he needs in order to graduate. Maybe he wouldn’t need a full year - maybe just an extra semester or maybe just some classes he could take in the summer if offered. He needs to work up a plan. Of course he’ll also need to have his head straightened out before exectuting that plan or he’ll risk just failing that as well and it will all have been a waste of money and time.</p>
<p>If he doesn’t continue to take classes or ends up with the summer off then I would do what you did and tell him he needs to get a job of any kind unless you have an agreed plan for a study-abroad, volunteering, or something. It shouldn’t be that depressing to him since it would just be a college summer job and not a career.</p>
<p>That all assumes that he doesn’t have a clinical depression diagnosis though. Maybe a therapist could figure that out but certainly not all people who are depressed have clinical depression - just getting a bad grade or worrying about a GF is enough to do it sometimes. Obviously if he has a medical condition that needs to be addressed first.</p>
<p>It might be worthwhile asking him what his plans are with his GF as she could figure prominently in what he does going forward.</p>
<p>The important thing now is to figure out where he is and whether or not he needs treatment, therapy and rest. If he needs to come home, then determine what can be salvaged and then how to continue once he is stable.</p>
<p>Thank you all. I’m waiting anxiously to hear from DS today. I am trusting his school counseling center will be able to help, or at least help him make a decision as to whether or not to finish out the term, perhaps with a very light load. He’s so close to graduating but so far. </p>
<p>Plans with GF were to move in together after he found a job. She’s currently unemployed & living with her mom. She was waiting until he found a job to start searching since she knew they might be moving to a new city together. But he has not told her how depressed he is. </p>
<p>I keep telling myself, one day at time. But I do keep trying to figure out what he’ll do when he comes home - whether that’s in June or next week. I know he’s most likely not going to be ready to look for any kind of work, but I don’t think it will be healthy for him to just sit around the house. I guess we do need to find out how serious the depression is before we make any decisions.</p>
<p>Thanks, musicmom. I do feel like I need hugs. I’m fine one minute and the next I’m crying. (but I do have my own therapist so I do talk to her about this). There’s a lot I haven’t said - like the spike in suicides at my son’s school recently. It really worries me, though DS has said he’s not suicidal, just really down. But I also know so often people don’t want to tell anyone they’re suicidal. On his school’s cc forum there had been a post a few months ago by a student saying if a student is suicidal they should never tell anyone because they’d get kicked out of school. I never responded because I did want to say the wrong thing. Now I find myself wishing I had said something about the importance of finding help and not keeping those kinds of thoughts to oneself. </p>
<p>DS has his appointment with counseling center today, so I’m hoping by this evening I’ll get to talk to DS and see what direction he’s heading in - stick out school til the end of the term, even if it means a reduced load or if he’s going to take a medical leave and come home… </p>
<p>enough hanging out here…I’m off to spend the day with 25 kindergardeners!</p>
<p>Crossing my fingers for you and sending you lots of hugs. Nothing like 25 kindergarteners to take your mind off your problems, though… Take a few minutes to revel in their joy at life! Your son is getting the help he needs, and whatever will be, will be. <em>hugs</em> again. You will all get through this.</p>
<p>GO AHEAD AND HOVER, helicopter mom. Your gut is telling you something and you should listen. Focus on his emotional health, give him all the support you feel he needs - this is not the time for Tough Love. He’s had 3 good years in college - once he gets past this crisis, he’ll graduate. So what if a little later than you both planned. Good luck to you both!</p>
<p>I need some advice - I haven’t spoken with DS for two weeks. The last time we spoke, he was getting help, and trying to buckle down and get his work done, hoping he’d be able to pull off graduation in June. But now he won’t answer the phone when I call, return emails or even respond to text messages. Next Friday is the deadline for graduation reservations. His GF called me Sunday to wish me happy mother’s day. She said he’s doing better, getting help from people on campus and getting some work done. (He sent me an e-card for mother’s day). He’s been on his Facebook page and other websites he frequents in the past day or so, so I know he’s still alive. </p>
<p>I’m feeling desperate to know what his plans are…walk in the graduation ceremony? do a fifth year. Where is he living this summer? What will he be doing? But I’m getting no response from him. I’ve said “if you’re too overwhelmed to make decisions about June, tell me and I’ll stop bugging you.” The silence is so painful. </p>
<p>I can’t decide if I should:
call the counseling center on campus and let them know how worried I am about him.
just let go and wait until he contacts me. (But I’d be so sad if he misses out on graduation ceremonies - maybe because I had to miss out on my graduation ceremony due to a job overseas and I’ve always regretted having to miss the ceremony).<br>
hop on a plane and check on him in person
any other ideas on how to proceed. I’m feeling so lost.</p>
<p>also should I just make graduation reservations? knowing we might not use them, but at least our space would be there if we could go to graduation? (We have to pay for some of the events and we can’t cancel after next Friday).</p>
<p>I think I remember reading somewhere on this forum that, when children don’t respond to parent’s messages, they text them or email, stating, “You’ve not responded to me in ___ days or answered any of my messages; therefore, if I don’t hear from you within 24 hours I will assume something is terribly wrong and contact the police to check on you.”</p>
<p>That usually gets a response of some kind. </p>
<p>Some things you might need to continue to let him figure out. Other things you need to know now so you can make the appropriate plans. I think that warrants contact from him out of courtesy.</p>
<p>I’ve gone through this twice. It’s a rough row to hoe, believe me. Hard for a kid to pay room and board if he can’t find a job. I was driving one kid to his part time minimum wage job which was a pain in my neck. I refused to provide car and insurance, in part because we were in a tough financial situation then, but it meant that I was even more involved in his life. No meaningful mother-son talks during those rides, believe me.</p>
<p>I suggest, that you insist that he find something meaningful to do with his day, but it does not have to be a job. Going to counseling and doing volunteer work, taking non credit courses, are all acceptable things as well as a job. You definitely don’t want one in bed all day, only to come out at night to play. I know too many families suffering with one of those. It’s a tough situation, cuz you don’t want to throw them out on their ear when they are genuinely down, but you have that feeling that it is not all uncontrollable depression at work there. None of us want to be “played” and we don’t want to encourage our young adults to be slackers.</p>
<p>If it’s any consolation, this happens to families whose kids successfully graduate, as well. Good friends of ours were ever so proud that their son graduated from a top 25 university. He did well, wanted the summer off which was fine with them. They even financed a trip abroad as a graduation present. They kept that smile genuinely in place and were ever so indulgent until autumn began to go by, and the kid was at home, sleeping, on the phone, computer, tv, on the couch. , out with friends. Couldn’t find a job. Didn’t seem to be looking that hard. Yet, the job market was abysmal. But he seemed to be setting sights way too high. By Christmas ,they were ready to put coal, switches and ultimatums in his stocking.</p>
<p>It was a rough year for them. A the second one even rougher. He simply could not find a job, but was not interested in anything enough to find a job. He finally found work as a store clerk somewhere and his parents are now upset that he is content with that. Has no idea what direction to go. No motivation to be proactive and listlessly does anything he is told to do which does not yield great or any successes in finding anything. Doesn’t want to go back to school. Just doesn’t know what he wants to do next.</p>
<p>cattails, I encourage you to read the following thread in its entirety. It’s one of the most courageous and gut-wrenchingly honest threads ever on CC:</p>
<p>mapsey,
thanks for posting the thread. I cried all the way through it. I’m still debating whether or not to head south so I can see him in person. My first step is to see if my dog sitter is available.</p>
<p>After much debate (and struggle to find a dog sitter for the weekend), I’m flying down to see him in the morning. I hoping I’ll feel better when I actually see him, though I know it may all seem much worse when I see him face to face. I sent him an email asking where he’d like to meet though I’m not sure he’ll replay but I wanted him to know I’m coming. </p>