My nephew is supposed to be starting ninth grade at an elite boarding school this fall but I can tell he is quite nervous about living in the dorm and what the other kids will be like. George* is smart and a great kid but he is only 4’8, skinny and can sometimes seem very shy and quiet.
George’s parents will be pretty far away but my husband and I happen to live quite close to the boarding school and we will be more than happy to visit on Wednesdays or Saturdays to help him adjust… George is pretty terrible at sports and there may be some mean kids or bullies. It can be tough to be the smallest boy in the class although, of course, we are so incredibly proud and think George is just the cutest thing despite his tiny body.
Please let me know what you think… have other people had experience with a kid who they were worried might be excluded or made fun of? Thank you!
I have to believe all elite boarding schools have all kinds of kids – definitely not every boy will be a 6’ jock. So hopefully your worries are unfounded.
If sports aren’t his thing, I think it is important not to fit a square peg into a round hole. Assuming sports are required, he can pick some fun, not so competitive sports, like ultimate frisbee etc. But put attention on supporting what he does love to do. Whatever that is will probably become his superpower.
He should never put up with bullying or unkind teasing. Give him strategies he can do if that happens: tell his advisor, or his dorm faculty, or his proctor, or even someone in the health center. Have his parents let his advisor know if they have any concerns.
Perhaps others can chime in with some strategies. All three of my sons went to boarding school, and I must say they are much kinder, gentler places than the large public schools I attended. There is a great deal of attention paid to kindness and to having no tolerance for bullying/hazing.
Given growth spurts, it is very likely he won’t be that small for long, and maybe not even to the start of the school year.
His parents and you and your husband should let him know that you are always there to listen and help, no matter what. Sometimes, students who are bullied are embarrassed to talk about it.
How great that you are so supportive of your nephew! He is lucky to have you.
I understand the reason for the worry. But there really are all kinds at these schools, and they chose him for a reason! They think he will be successful and fit in, so go in with the belief that these admissions people did a great job knowing he belongs.
Almost everyone comes to campus wondering if they fit. Even the jocks. It almost always turns out well. He’s got this!
FWIW, there are kids of all shapes and sizes at boarding school. The wrestling match weights start at 106 and go over 220…and schools find kids for all of their matches, mostly boys.
In all honesty, this year will be different than any other…so I really don’t think athletics will play as big of a role in any school community - especially in the Fall. Some schools do require kids to do a sport each semester and/or a certain number of sports vs EC’s each year. There are students who participate in performing arts, instead of a sport. Like @HMom16 posted, “there are kids of all shapes and sizes”…but do encourage your student to express his/her/their expectations honestly about boarding school.
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It’s such a worry, I know. Virtually all the kids will be coping with some level of panic, self-doubt and homesickness. There probably will be an extra heaping of this for a shyer, smaller kid and it’s worth acknowledging. BUT, as other posters noted, not everyone shows up to boarding school as six foot tall, boisterous jocks (thank God). The coping skills discussion is important and I have this counsel: nothing beats a ready smile, a self-deprecating wit and community engagement (signing up for a couple of activities) for getting to happiness as quickly as possible. Let your nephew know that it’s perfectly normal to feel waves of anxiety as he navigates his new situation. (I am 61 and I can still remember this feeling from my freshman year at boarding school.) Just keep that inner compass set on Smile, Ability to Laugh at Himself, and getting involved in a couple of activities - and everything will work out.
OK - I will share our experience and this is not going to be easy for some of you to hear. In reading posts from parents and students, it does seem that (based on their comments) some school communities are more inclusive than others. There are certain schools that draw a large group of students from specific geographic areas, middle schools, JBS, etc…to our surprise there were cliques of kids that already knew each other from NY, CT, MA or JBS and/or travel teams.
We experienced being excluded from a family dining experience at with our student’s advisory at an assigned table - why? Because a few families from Fairfield County decided to take over the table that we had been assigned to…we ended up having to sit with a faculty member and 2 foreign students without their parents, rather than with the kids in our student’s advisory.
There are some schools where the faculty stresses inclusivity and acceptance. I believe that this actually starts with admissions.
We picked up on that vibe immediately during the Deerfield revisit, frankly. A lot of things to love about the school but that went in the negative column.
Yes @doschicos - I strive to be an honest reporter. In golf, you can’t really lie about your game - it is pretty obvious from the first tee shot. So, I will tell about the things to love and I will also share what (as you say) would go into “the negative column” about our school and (also ) others we know. I do not aim to be a cheerleader or salesperson, rather a supportive and informative parent. I apologize in advance if I am offending anyone with the authenticity of our experience. I promise to share positive experiences, also.
@Golfgr8 This is what makes you so very helpful to us newbies. I’m so grateful for you! No place is perfect. It’s wise to know what the problems are, and then you can decide which problems bother you the least. (or are worth the upsides)