Hi,
I’m going to be a sophomore at a local state university this upcoming academic year and I have to say that, academics aside (high GPA in the Honors Program), I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to the new year. Especially from a social perspective. Basically I was an outsider among most social situations. I often felt excluded from everyone else and felt like I didn’t belong (and sometimes literally didn’t belong). From sitting by myself at the dining hall more often than not to experiencing anxiety from large social gatherings to not being a drinker or partier in my dorm, I really felt like an outsider looking in. By February I reached an emotional low point in my life. This year I fear that this will ultimately repeat itself and I’ll have no one to blame but myself. Any advice?
- Did you get involved with any activities? Is there a professional association for your major with a chapter on campus?
- What kinds of things do you like to do when you are not studying? Is there a group that does that?
- Are there volunteer opportunities you might like?
- Does you rec center offer fitness activities you can join?
- Is there a special time designated for all the clubs/organizations on campus to have tables/booths to pitch their group? You could check a few of them out.
What EC’s did you do in hs? Is there a college version you might like?
You never really mentioned in your post: what do you want your social life to look like? Do you want to have people to sit with at lunch? I’m sorry if these questions sound odd, but some people prefer being left alone, so I’m just curious how “involved” with other people you’d like to be.
My first suggestion without knowing much else: join the Honors fraternity. You’ll be with other like-minded, driven students, and you’ll most likely always have someone to eat with a lunch and socialize on the weekends.
Second, you need to force yourself to be more outgoing. It’s ok that you’re not naturally like that. You’ve got to fake it till you make it. https://www.ted.com/speakers/amy_cuddy
I think it is not unusual to feel nervous for your second year. The shine of the new experience, going to college, is worn off and you know what you are getting into academically and socially. Sounds like you had a solid year academically. Like the posters above stated, if you want your social situation to change you are the one who has to make some changes and push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Or, perhaps, just plan how to make your social life fit your comfort zone. For example, if you are uncomfortable at large social gatherings, seek out clubs that have smaller, more intimate gatherings. If you don’t like drinking, join (or start if it doesn’t exist) a substance-free club. If you straight up like being a bit on the outside, maybe you can become a photographer for the campus paper or blog - a great way to be at a large event, but at a distance.
These are just examples. The common thread here is this: instead of waiting for the world to meet your needs and expectations, shape your own world to be the world you want to live in!
- In the past year I've been part of History Club and Honors Club and prospect joining History Club.
- I'm personally interested in geography, history, a little bit of weather, and listening to music in my spare time. I know I sound like a total dweeb, probably because I see myself as one.
- As part of my themed housing community, I'm expected to volunteer at least once a month so I'm sure I'll find something.
- I'm probably the worst athlete in the world (especially pathetic since I'm male) and would be considered a laughingstock if I tried out for sports. I sometimes go to the gym to workout on the treadmill though.
- There is a club fair at the beginning of September each year.
Even when I do sit with others, I feel out of place most of the time because I don’t really fit in in terms of having typical social skills. As a result, I feel better off by myself in those situations but that doesn’t say much. And then I sit by myself disappointed too often, so it’s a game I can’t win. If it wasn’t an issue, I wouldn’t have said it. It’s been an issue for me all the way since middle school because I brought it upon myself by letting others take advantage of me without realize it. I guess it’s karma for that. No one really takes much advantage of me now but it’s something I can’t ever forget.
There is no Honors Fraternity at my college. In fact, I don’t know if joining up with them will solve anything since most of the large social gatherings that got my anxious and upset were Honors events. Everyone seems perfectly content with their conversation groups as they are when I usually just stand there too nervous to make a sound because no one wants to talk to me. So I can’t really say we’re like-minded when I’m not even on the same social wavelength as most of them.
As for “Fake it til you make it,” I’m too bad of a liar and even worse an actor to pull it off.
@NorthernMom61 and @DreamSchlDropout
Thanks. I’m sure you mean well along with the other posters, but I just doubt I can ever pull it off. I’ll probably be stuck a loser for the rest of my life (and have been one since grade school).
You have a choice and that choice is yours. Noone can change your mindset or social situation but you, and the first step is to try to change how you think then take consistent actions over a long time to make actual and beneficial changes. If you have struggled socially since elementary school, it is going to take time to turn it around. There is no magic here.
If you feel unwilling to take risks and make changes, then focus on some other aspect of college. Dig in more academically, get involved in some big project or research or something to fill your spare time and maybe get some recognition, get a part time job even.
Not being the life of the party does not make you a loser. The way you perceive things about yourself does.
I have to agree with @NorthernMom61 in that you are not a loser, especially over something as trivial as feeling awkward in social situations. I mean that. I don’t have to know you to say that. Being an introvert (that’s all you are) does not make someone a loser. And you know what else? No one in college gives a damn (pardon my language) about how well you are able to socialize with others. Popularity doesn’t really exist, and cliques are very fluid. Keep telling yourself that and maybe you’ll feel a little boost of confidence.
Back to “fake it till you make it”… you don’t have to be an actor or liar. I’m not sure if you’ve watched the video (if you have some spare time, please do), but it’s about forcing yourself to do what you want to be able to do naturally. If you want to be more open in social settings, then just talk to people. I think you’re wrong in thinking that no one want to talk to you. If you’re as smart as it sounds like you are, I’m sure that people will want to talk to you not only to receive some help in a class but also because they want to surround themselves with other driven individuals. So… just do it. No more excuses 
@NorthernMom61
I know I’m not the life of the party and I’m cool with that. What I am though is the exact opposite: a dweeby misfit.
@NHuffer
I think it’s a little more than social situations. On top of that, I don’t have a license, I can barely cook, I don’t have a job, I’m not athletic but rather ugly, have social anxiety, etc. I just don’t fit in with everyone else. On the contrast, my campus is very damn cliquey and almost no one has sympathy for loners and outsiders like myself. Popularity is measured by athleticism and how often you drink and go out to parties since there’s not much else to do on campus most of the year. It’s not explicit, but very-well implied. Basically, my college is an extension of high school, even among seniors. And what video? What’s the title. All in all, I believe that this is karma for letting myself get taken advantage of in elementary and middle school (6th grade especially). My two cents.
Oh and I locked myself out of my dorm room this year (no less than three times)
Sorry if I’m quadruple posting but if I really knew how to make friends, let alone keep them, I wouldn’t be in this situation. Being friendless is seen as being a pathetic social outcast, or at least I was conditioned to think that way. Never really had a friend in my life, or at least a solid friend.
Ok. So maybe you would like more on-on-one assistance with what you are experiencing? If you have been feeling this way since middle (or even elementary) school, you might want to consider looking into the counseling services at your school. You can discuss your specifics with a counselor and they can give you suggestions and feedback on how to go forward.
@MerryLee
I already tried counseling this past spring and I don’t think it did much for me. Also, one more thing I’m fearing is dreadful relations with my suite-mates. I’ve already had two or three nightmares about it.
Tried to edit to add my earlier post. But, alas, I waited too long.
The reason I was suggesting counseling services is because 1) you are in school and your health insurance should cover it & 2) You are tired/frustrated/annoyed because you are not sure what steps you need to take to get where you want to be. You’re academically smart and this is like putting a puzzle together: trying to figure out what strategy is needed to get the puzzle pieces to fit. It might take more than one visit, but a counselor can help you formulate a plan so that even the hidden puzzle pieces become visible and YOU get to where YOU want to be – out of the tired/frustrated/annoyed lane.
What kinds of nonacademic activities are you involved in? My own introverted nonjock nonpartying daughter has found like minded people through her club and music activities.
I send the counseling recommendation even though you tried it unsuccessfully once. You need help changing your thinking and behaviors.
@MerryLee
I’ve been to individual counseling sessions for about 10 visits in the spring.
@NorthernMom61
There’s a counseling and psychological services center on my campus. I’m not sure if the same formula would work (maybe a different counselor or group sessions instead?). If I were to go back there, some variables might have to be changed. Also, as far as what I do in my spare time, well that part is why I call myself a dweeb. I mostly go on my laptop/iPod, track hurricanes, look up facts, and listen to music. Not much more. Although I have interest in geography, history, and economics, I don’t have enough skill in anything to find a hobby. Once again, this is why I consider myself a stereotypical high school dweeb.
You can take up something entirely new. You don’t have to be an expert to enjoy an activity.