I did not get married or start having my kids until I was in my 30’s. So it is not like it’s a shock that my kids are not yet married or have kids. And I never bring up the subject of marriage or having kids, let alone try to pressure them. But my D’s sometimes bring it up to me. D1 just told me last month she does not believe in marriage. First time I heard that.
Of course things can change over time. I know that. I’ve had some health issues arise recently that had a big impact on my mental health. Also got together with all of my kids, their partners and H a month ago to attend a concert and felt so sad when we all said goodbye and went our respective ways. I never know when I will see my D’s again.
I suppose there are many issues that I am dealing with that made me start the thread. I have no family or really close friends where I live. All the close friends have either moved away or died. I haven’t seen my sister, whom I am close with, in over a year and a half. Good news is i will be seeing her next weekend. We are celebrating her 70th b-day. I will also get to see nieces and nephews and their children. Also not seen in 1 1/2 + years. I last saw my sister, these nieces and nephews at my other sister’s funeral.
So yeah…a wedding or grandchildren seem like some happiness.
I had my two children in my 30’s, after 10 years of marriage. A combination of waiting until I was ready and fertility issues. One thing I was always grateful for was that neither my inlaws nor my mother ever pressured us for grandchildren. My MIL already had grandkids, but my mom didn’t. Although she never even suggested it, when she found out I was pregnant, she was over the moon! She even revived her sewing skills to make my daughter’s Christening gown, which my son wore as well.She was 71 when my daughter was born, and loved the whole experience. She was the grandmom who would let the kids play with her pots and pans and costume jewelry, and didn’t care if the house got messy. She got to know both my children, and they remember her. She lived to 88. She must have been so understanding because she had ME at 42!
My D is 27, and in a committed live-in relationship with a man, and D just graduated college. I’m 58, and feel that I’m really fine if nobody gets married or has children. I remember feeling enormously guilty right after 9/11 for bringing new life into this world. I’m over that,of course, but I can understand any young person’s reluctance.
My across-the-street neighbor is a little older than me, and her only son (30) has met a great girl. The wedding is in two weeks. She is over the moon, and I am for her!
My kids have told me they don’t plan on having children. Since they are 20 and 21, I assume that will change. The older one doesn’t want children because ‘they just use all your money’ and she just wants to travel. The second one is concerned about the genes. She wants blue-eyed children and it is coming to accept that just won’t happen since she is 100% Han Chinese. She’s also noticed that many Chinese kids are not that athletic and pointed out that I was just likely to have her as my child. Just unwilling to take the chance that she’d have a brown-eyed, unathletic child.
I’m very jealous of my friends getting grandbabies. Two this week! Just had lunch with one grandmother-to-be and gave her two blankets so I’d get dibs on getting to hold that baby (not a chance; first grandchild on both sides and her feet will never touch the ground). Another had just come back from a vacation with her 10 year old granddaughter. They are all having too much fun.
I do feel bad that my kids never got to meet my dad, and I never got to meet my maternal grandmother or my paternal grandfather. So there is definitely a sense of loss in these situations.
Hubby and I were told we couldn’t have kids and had been together 20 years when I thought something just didn’t feel “right;” I was four months pregnant. So, here I am almost 60 with a 20-year-old who is nowhere near marriage and family. Oh well. I’m not ready to be called “grandma,” but I do wish he’d meet one of those nice librarian-with-cats women from the other thread. He’s happier when he’s in a relationship.
I am at a place in my life that makes me think grandchildren will not be happening. My oldest cancelled her wedding last year and is not in a great place. My middle daughter is in a relationship ( rocky one ) with a woman and my youngest is still really young and swears she doesn’t ever want babies.
I am aware that things could change but their individual circumstances really don’t seem to lean in that direction. It makes me sad but I try not to dwell on it …seeing their friends having babies…particularly those who never liked children makes me envious and jealous…and ashamed for feeling those emotions
My son is getting married this week at a fairly young age , I’m thankful we had ours young as his great grandmother will be here to participate and walk in the wedding.
I won’t pressure them but I will secretly hope they have a kid in a few years.
I got married young, 23, and had first child at 24, but even so, my kids didn’t meet my dad because he died when i was 14. So it’s not always a matter of choosing to have kids late. Life just throws curves.
Speaking of curves, my D has been trying to have a child for three years–a year and a half of infertility, then two traumatic miscarriages, now back to not conceiving, layered with all sorts of anxiety and fear and sadness.
At this point, as much as I long to be a grandma, if she said she’d sincerely changed her mind, and convinced me, I’d be in some ways relieved, because watching her go through this is so, so hurtful.
I constantly learn and realize that whatever we are going through, others are going through similar, worse or the same. We are not alone even when we feel so alone.
I know I am blessed and feel so quilty when I am feeling so anxious and depressed. But I cannot control it. I pray, think good thoughts, exercise, volunteer, etc. Sometimes it just doesn’t work.
@garland hugs to you and your daughter. I know two women who suffered multiple miscarriages so they finally adopted. They both got pregnant the next year no meds, no treatment.
My sis and BIL married when they were in their 40s–1st marriage for each. They adopted a charming older child about 5 years ago. He recently turned 12. The young boy got to know the grandparents on his mom’s side and his paternal grandma for the past 5 years until she died this year. I’d say one really never knows what the future will bring.
It’s not necessarily the babies I’ll miss if my kids never have children. But it breaks my heart to think my daughter might never have an adult child of her own when she gets older, as I have her.
@garland I’m so sorry. Very warm hugs to all of you.
@morrismm that is very true. We treat the “bad” parts of getting a child into the world (miscarriage, infertility, etc) as taboo and it’s rarely talked about. It’s the same way that many of us keep illness (especially mental) quiet.
A friend of mine recently went through a traumatic miscarriage and her openness has made this entire process feel less lonely. I am following in her example by blogging my own experiences. I hope I make one more person feel less alone.
It is sad and isolating that health issues are rarely discussed openly and the private nature is indeed isolating. I do run a support group to help people have a place to learn and share about health issues. I also participate in several online forums and support groups.
Regarding grandparents. Three of four were never in the picture for me- dead before I was born or not too long after. The one surviving did not do much. Only know of grandparenting from reading and friends’ experiences.
Regarding being a MOB. Need daughters for that. Not in the picture for those of us with only sons. My mom got to be one but died before I met my H. As I was also older than most for my generation (over 30)- a generation ahead- I missed out on the whole experience of wedding plans/shopping with a mom. Plus overseas mother-in-law-to-be with very different customs couldn’t “adopt” me for that. Friends and family far away as well. I was new to town when I met the one and didn’t have close friends (also hard to develop when everyone busy with work and their time spent with their families, sigh).
Adoption is great for some. Not for all. We considered it until we had our son. Many variables to consider in our atypical nuclear family.
Fertility. If I had only known…wasted contraception, the wrong kind (BCP’s may have helped fertility with unknown endometriosis), newer drug for second try… Still remember a medical school classmate who also had trouble- but she then had three kids, sigh.
btw- never a baby person. Looked forward to the older child I could talk with. Never happened.