New freshman , new girlfriend. Too soon?

speech529 · September 15, 2006, 8:21pm

When I posted about my freshman visit with my friend, I did not do so as a way to carte blance a young person’s going away without telling anyone or to defy parents (I would not want either of my D’s to do it). I was a coward…instead of calling mom and saying, “Oh, by the way, I’m go to ___ with ___ for the weekend” , I just left and thereby postponing the conflict.

My intention was to present the point of view of an young woman who was certain she would not be allowed to go, but wanted to. It was the first decision I had ever made without consulting my parents.

I actually left all the contact information with my roommate (my mom called me at my dorm room about 15 minutes after I left…she had radar!). So she found out I was gone before I even got to where I was going. My boyfriend’s younger brother greeted me with, “Boy are you in trouble!!”

My mom was pretty mad, wanted me to fly home on the first plane outta there, which I refused to do. The comprimise was that I stayed at a friend of the BFs family, instead of my BF’s parents home. They were strict, very religious and we were chaperoned whenever together.

I don’t recommend doing what I did, whether family rules are strict or not…it is common courtesy and basic safety to let someone (in this case, parents) know where you are going, with whom and about when you will return.

roshke · September 15, 2006, 8:51pm

I also don’t want to come across as judging the way others would handle this situation. This would be the ideal model for us, with the emphasis on For Us!! But what I really meant to suggest to soozie is that I do admire how she has certain parameters for her kids that allow her to balance “letting go,” a skill that we all must learn to master sooner or later, with a communication style that gives her some piece of mind --all at the same time! Not always an easy thing to do! As my own kids are getting older now , it’s pretty much the way I would hope to do things too, is all I wanted to say!

walkermom · September 15, 2006, 10:42pm

Kathiep.
The same thought came to me, that the GF might tell her parents about her plans over the weekend that she goes home. The fact that she is going home does suggest they are a close family. I really can understand her not wanting to share yet. Even if she is not being completely honest with her parents about this, it doesn’t make her a bad person. I think I will just take your advice and think of her as son’s new best friend!

The discussion on the different philosophies of staying in touch with adult children is an interesting one too.

marite · September 15, 2006, 11:08pm

walkermom:

I have not read most of the posts, but I just want to share one reason why the GF might not want to inform her family: she may worry that her parents will read too much in the relationship. 
One of my brothers refused to introduce his GFs to the rest of the family until he was sure that she was THE ONE. Poor guy. He was 30 when he found her. The day he called my older brother to let him know, I had just arrived from London, and our older brother was in the middle of organizing a family reunion to welcome me back to Paris. So GF was introduced not only to older brother but also to assorted siblings, in-laws, cousins, children. It’s a wonder she did not turn tail right there!

LFWB_dad · September 15, 2006, 11:22pm

Phew!

Finally checked in.

<a href=“http://www.sailwx.info/shiptrack/shipposition.phtml?call=KDUE[/url]”>http://www.sailwx.info/shiptrack/shipposition.phtml?call=KDUE</a>

Now I can sleep.

walkermom · September 15, 2006, 11:40pm

Marite
Do you mean because the girl is not that serious about S herself?. I’d agree if it wasn’t for the fact that it seems she’s planning their whole lives out already. But it doesn’t sound as if son is complaining!

marite · September 15, 2006, 11:54pm

It may be that, or it may be that she does not want her parents trying to control how the relationship develops, or she may not want parents to ask her at every turn how are things going, etc…

soozievt · September 16, 2006, 12:07am

I also mentioned earlier the point that Marite is bringing up now. I totally understand a girl or boy not telling parents of a relationship just one month in. They may not wish to answer questions, they may not wish to share it unless is a longer term thing, they may not wish to deal with any disapproval at this early point, etc.

I still think, however, the girl could fudge a slight bit in informing her parents of her travel plans, and say she is visiting a new college friend’s family and not get into it being a “boyfriend”. If the fact that he is male is an issue, she could say she is going and she is not the only friend going. I can’t believe I am advocating some dishonesty as I am one of the most honest people I know but I still think she should let her parents know if she goes out of town overnight and where she will be. She doesn’t have to give a lot of detail.

But on your end, I wouldn’t be so concerned about what she does or doesn’t do. You could casually mention to son that you hope she has let someone like her parents know where she’ll be. You should be thankful that your son is comfortable with YOU to tell you he has a girlfriend and to even bring her for a visit. Not all sons or daughters do that!

Not all teens want their parents to know of each relationship unless it is longer term. Why answer questions or disapproval when away from home if you don’t have to, may be a stream of thought. Kinda asserting one’s independence.

Who knows…maybe she doesn’t want the word to get around in her home town that she has a new guy already…maybe she just had a boyfriend back home not too long ago! She has only dated your son for a few weeks and so she may not think everyone back home needs to know about it just yet or how soon she hooked up with a new guy.

ariesathena · September 16, 2006, 4:40am

Parents, get real…

Yes, kids should tell you where they are going, in an ideal world. However, your excuses are, frankly, beyond lame. There is not a single thing that has been said that does not apply to:

kids without landlines who don’t leave campus; and
married adult children.

I’m dead serious. I haven’t had a landline in four years. Cells run out of battery! Reception not always available! Problem - no different in my own house than when I’m with a friend driving to New England. If I need to be reached and the local cell tower is down (more likely in the rural South than in more populated areas, mind you!), my parents would not be able to reach me. What would they do to reach the many kids who lack landlines? Call up the school and ask for my roommate? “Um, this is ZeusAthena and I need to reach my daughter, Aries; she is rooming with this girl… I think her cell is down so I need to reach her another way… they live off campus… can you find a Sarah and give me her number so I can pass a message along to Aries? Um, Sarah. No, I don’t know her last name. I didn’t move her in - I haven’t helped Aries move since she was 19… what, move my kid - she can do it herself and I don’t want to miss time at the beach… okay, there are three Sarahs… can I try all of them?”

Riiight.

Likewise, emergencies happen that adult children need to be aware of. Should your 30-year-old married daughter check in every time she and her husband leave town, just in case? More importantly, when did YOU stop reporting in to your parents?

My point is simple. If you want to know where your kid is for a legitimate reason, fine. But this “cells can go down and there could maybe possibly be an emergency” thing is ridiculous and insulting to the intelligence of whomever has to listen to it. I’m not big on weighing in whether or not parents are being overprotective (as I would prefer to see parents who care about their kids), but don’t have b.s. reasons for it.

What is MOST important is to teach your children that SOMEONE know where they are. When I went skiing as an undergrad, I let my group of friends know the day before I left (did day trips to NH and VT). When I went on road trips to visit friends in DC during law school, I let my roommate know where I would be. When I visit my aunt & uncle who are about three hours away, they knew to expect me. If I don’t show up within a certain time, someone will call, someone will worry, and someone will figure out where I am. Pretending that my parents can be nearly as effectual from a 10-hour drive away is ridiculous. Ultimately, the DC group would call for me if I were late; my aunt & uncle keep tabs; my roomies know when to expect me back and know that I call if I’m staying over longer than expected.

What isn’t going to happen is that I’ll tell my parents every time I leave town. If my cell doesn’t work, they can’t reach me anyway. When I was an undergrad, I was hit by a car while a 10-minute walk from campus. Had I lost consciousness, my parents wouldn’t have known. Had I been in, hypothetically, Texas but maintained consciousness (as I did), my parents would have found out in the exact same time frame. It would have taken the same time for someone to get the school to release my emergency contact info. Distance from campus would not have changed a thing.

Likewise, I was once in my apartment (last time I had a landline) with my cell on, charged, with reception. Landline on. No one on phone. Father can’t get a hold of me but needs to. Why, you ask? Because he 1) locked himself out of the house on the beach; 2) did not know my cell phone number (that I had given him); 3) did not know my landline number (that I had given him); 4) had locked HIS cell in the house, with all pertinent information; and 5) was dialing random numbers from a neighbour’s house while my siblings were (literally) wetting their diapers.

Emergency. I’m att home. It’s freak-out time on the Cape.

He dialed information, new listings, asked for AriesAthena, gets zip (Phone not in my name). Thinks again. Calls up and knows one of my three roommates’ full names. Asks for her. Gets her. Calls. Phone company screws up the line and he gets a pseudo-voicemail. I pick up the phone a half-hour later, hear his message, call back the neighbour’s number, and learn that I have to book it down to the beach with my spare key. How any of this would have been different if I had a) been away and b) my dad not know my whereabouts, is frankly beyond me. Upshot is that I called him, gave him my numbers, which he wrote down and memorized three years later, and went to let him into the house.

(I couldn’t make this up if I tried.)

The MOST important thing that your kids can do is to:

notify people on each end of expected arrival times;
be reliable (so someone knows to call if kid not on time); and
“ice” their cell phones. ICE = In Case of Emergency. Emergency workers know to scroll through the cells and look for ICE. I have “ICE Zeus,” so if something happens, he’s the first person to get a call. If your kid is ten minutes or ten hours from campus, you’ll still get the call.

–
Soozie is probably right. She might not want word around town that she has a new guy. Maybe she left an old guy with an “understanding” that they would consider reuniting. Maybe she left a long-term b/f that the parents adored but she outgrew. To mangle Anna Kareina, all reasons for telling parents are alike and happy; all reasons for not telling parents are different (and some valid).

LFWB_dad · September 16, 2006, 6:45am

^^^^^^^^^^^^

Come on, tell us what you really think! You are always sugarcoating everything. ;-)

dmd77 · September 16, 2006, 9:04am

i think Aries raises interesting points. One is that anyone dealing with a crisis should be prepared to go it alone and should probably do so if time issues are important. Why didn’t her father simply call a local locksmith? (As another example, the EMTs shouldn’t wait to contact parents to deal with an emergency!).

As for being reachable, I don’t think anyone, ever, needs to be reachable at every minute. Cell phones have persuaded people that they can be in touch at all times, but as Aries says, cell signals are not 100% reliable, people turn them off, etc. That said, I email relatives (including my husband’s parents) when we are traveling, mostly so they’ll know where we are, but also so that they won’t worry if they can’t contact us immediately.

In addition, when we travel now, our daughter (age 21) is the person to contact in case of an emergency. That was an interesting conversation: what should she do if our plane crashes? Where are the wills? Where’s my address book? Who’s our lawyer? (My sister has the same information.)

3togo · September 16, 2006, 10:21am

ariesathena … I just want to know as a parent a 100% agree with you. I’ve written and deleted multiple replies to this string trying to convey an alternate viewpoint about parents “having to know where you are in case of emergency” … but your reply was 100 times better than any of my attempts … I believe it is considerate as long as someone in your close circle on contacts knows when you’re traveling although I do not think it is necessary. At 48 my mother still wants to know where I am when I travel “in case of an emergency” … if I do not give her these details she will call my house and my wife or one of my three kids will answer and inform her of where I am and what my contact info is. Never mind the control/independence aspect of this but I have traveled 500+ times in the 25 years since college and the 10 times she called in an emergency I might have been traveling once or twice. I believe I owe my nuclear family details of my life and no one else … do I choose to share info with my parents and siblings? Yes, all the time … hey I’m headed to London next week which is cool; but not I’m at the Sheraton Hyatt and the phone number is 1-800-I-EAT-HAGGIS.

soozievt · September 16, 2006, 2:29pm

We all do what is comfortable in our own situations. It isn’t just about “in case of emergency” though that it an excellent reason, in my opinion, that someone may know your travel whereabouts, and that someone may be a family member. But it also has to do with peace of mind.

When D was traveling alone in Europe, she gave me the places/numbers where she’d be staying on which date. She did call to say she arrived safely each time. But had I not been able to get through to her, I’d have known where to reach her another way had she not called and there was some problem. Knowing that my kids can either reach me or know if I am on a trip and vice versa, is important to me. Truthfully, our parents know that and vice versa. Maybe someone else tells a friend. We happen to do this within the family.

Cells do not work well in most of my region either.

Here is one experience that we had…

I was on my way back home from a trip to Idaho to see D1 in the National Collegiate Ski Championships. I had flown to upstate NY (which is not where I live) because of the flights I was able to get at the last minute. I spent the night there and then was on a three hour drive home on a Sunday. Most of my ride, there was no cell service. On that day, D1 was in the Boise airport flying back east to her college with her team. D2 was teaching choreography at her dance studio about 25 miles from our home. This D had had her driver’s license only two months and normally was expected to call as she was leaving and when she arrived at the next destination. That day, after teaching at the studio, she wanted to go with some friends to another city in our state that is 45 miles away but was not yet allowed to drive there. So, her plans were to drive just one exit and leave her car and go with local friends who had been driving much longer to that city. I was traveling and not reachable. My husband, who at the time did not own a cell, was skiing (ski resort is in our town) and so was not reachable. D2 therefore did not have to call in and report to him that she left first city or arrived at next one, as she normally had to do at that point (age 16, new driver). Her dad knew her plans but on this particular day, there was no “call in” to report she had arrived at the next destination, as was the normal way she had to do things.

D2, upon entering the interstate, crashes head on going 65 into the rocky mountain and flips the car 2 1/2 times landing on its side in the middle of the interstate, closing it down and is very seriously injured (was in intensive care). Witnesses say she crawled up out of the blown out window on the passenger side which was facing the sky and crawled across the highway and was laying in a snowbank. Witnesses stopped to help and call an ambulance. My child was conscious and the young woman who stopped saw how young she was and asked how to reach her parents as they waited for the ambulance. My D knew Dad was skiing and unreachable and so told her my cell as she knew I was traveling home from another state. The woman tries to call me and in upstate NY, I barely got reception. I only heard “your D was in a terrible car crash; the ambulance is on its way” and I was losing service right away and so she said: " here is my cell". I frantically drove until I could find a gas station. I used a pay phone and reached the woman. Ironically, older D calls at same time to tell me some good news from Boise and I told her her sister was in a crash, I only knew she was alive but I had to keep driving 3 more hours to reach her and that would not have service on the way.

D1, from Boise, calls the ski area and asks that notices be put up at the lift in order for her Dad to see it and to call her immediately. D1 was the only one in the family with a “contact” mode. Dad did not see the posts at the lift, unfortunately. By the way, the woman who stopped to assist my D and call for the ambulance later told me (witnesses did contact us at the hospital days later to check on our D) that she told the police officer who came the number of how to reach the parents and he was abrupt and said he had no use for it. He didn’t care about parents being contacted even though this was a very seriously injured minor. Luckily this woman kept trying to contact us with what she knew so far and where the child was taken. I kept racing as calmly as possible three more hours to the hospital. D1, who was the only one with phone contact, and was in the Boise airport, talked to the doctors in the ER. When I got to one city in VT, part way there, my cell worked briefly and I was able to get an update from D1, and then hubby called to ask me when I’d be home coincidentally right when I had cell service, since he was home from skiing and assumed D2 was off in the city she had gone to with her friends. There were several messages on the home machine from the friends she was to meet asking where she was as she did not show up to meet them. I was able to then tell hubby that D2 was in a crash and which hospital she was taken to (initially, though she was transferred). He got to that ER before I made it. But child was alone a long time there with nobody.

I wish hubby had been reachable but we all knew where one another was that day. I’m glad D1 had cell service, as I did not. I’m glad D2 could tell the person who stopped to help where I could be reached.

For me, there is peace of mind when family is traveling to know where they are going, where they are staying and how they can be reached. It doesn’t fix every situation that COULD arise, but it may be helpful in some situations. Further, besides emergencies, it helps MY peace of mind to know that my child safely arrived at a destination and to know where they will be and how they can be reached in case there is no cell availability. It helps for me to know they arrived safely on their trip as they are not THAT old yet. One is still a minor even though she has been on her own for over a year. They do not mind letting me know.

I let family know when I am traveling, how to reach me too and the dates, etc. It works for me. It may not be necessary to others and that’s cool.

ariesathena · September 16, 2006, 5:02pm

Very good point Soozie. I hope that your D has fully recuperated - wow that was a scary time when you told us that. :(

There is a difference between a minor child and a college student. As you get older, your “base contact” people stop being your parents and start being your friends. One of my girlfriends said that she felt safer in an off-campus apartment (with 3 roomies) than a single on-campus, because people knew to expect her back. My issue is saying that it has to be a parent who knows at all times where the child is, instead of someone knowing and the parent being able to follow a trail.

I just think that parents drastically underestimate how unreachable their children really are at college. Even with a landline and a cell, imagine that your kid is sleeping over a b/f or g/f’s room. Like the cell is going to be answered (or on any setting besides silent or vibrate). Like you know the sig other’s room phone number, or even their dorm. Maybe I studied too hard, but I would often be in the library from 7 pm until 2 am. Good luck finding me, when I’m exactly where every parent of a college student hopes that their kid is on a school night. College kids are more like Schrodinger’s cat than you would like to think.

As for why my dad didn’t call a locksmith… let’s rephrase: why call a locksmith when you can get your kid pack an overnight bag in 30 seconds flat, make a 100-mile drive in a bit over an hour, and and say to her, “Thanks for coming down! Want to go for a kayak? You’re staying the whole weekend, right?” Let us not forget that this is the same Zeus who called me at 9 am on a Sunday in the winter of 2003 and said… “Just calling to make sure you’re alive.” Huh? (Cracks an eye open and thinks… oh boy!) “After the RI nightclub fire, this guy at work asked if you were there. I said, 'No, I weaned her on classic rock. Thank God she doesn’t like bad ‘80s music.’ Then I thought, well, she might go down if her friends were going, just to hang out, because that’s what college kids do. So I realized that you could have been down there and I wouldn’t even know. I was going to call at 8 am, but I thought I would let you sleep in a little. So I’m just calling to tell you that I love you and I’m glad that you don’t listen to bad music.”

Locksmith??? So many lost opportunities!

soozievt · September 16, 2006, 5:37pm

Aries, I don’t know where my kids are at every moment whatsoever now that they are both in college. I did prior to college, however. My minor child is a soph in college, by the way. I treat her as a college student, despite her age. As a minor, besides living at college for over a year, she lived on her own in a house this summer at a job in a state where she knew nobody ahead of time. She fended for herself, with car. But if she made a trip out of the area by car (say an hour away) or to the city by train, she let us know. She didn’t have to ask for “permission” but she just helped us know she was safe. This helps me as a parent. My kids don’t mind complying with that request. If she had something happen to her, a crime or accident, it might go undetected for a while, if say, she never returned home from that trip to that city and nobody realized it.

My point is more about general whereabouts, not every move or place they go. When my kids travel, they do tell me where they are going and not because of their ages. I do the same back. If I am going on an overnight trip, I tell them and I say where I will be. My parents and in-laws do the same as do we in reverse.

In my kids’ case, they say where they are going, where they are staying and let me know they safely arrived so that I don’t worry. It isn’t all about how to reach one another in case of an emergency, but more to know they are safe or they arrived or where they’ll be if I need to know and vice versa. It’s more of a peace of mind sort of thing, where I don’t have to wonder if they ever made it by car, plane, etc. When D1 drove from here twice recently to her college to see people since she’d be gone for a semester and was only in the states for ten days, I asked her to ring and let me know she arrived and she did, took a second. She also let us know what time she’d be back. She also let us know who she was staying with. After that, I didn’t care. I also didn’t have to “approve” anything. She was happy to share it and on top of that, she knows it eases my mind to know she arrived safely and that I know how to reach her if necessary.

My D is in Italy all semester living in an apartment. She gave us an intinerary of all the trips she is going on while overseas. This summer, when she was traveling alone, it helped me very much to feel fine about it because she was so responsible and was good about figuring out how to get there, where to stay and was willing to let me know the plans (not that I had to OK them or anything) and then she’d call to say she reached that location just fine. Who else would know if she had not? Nobody else would know her plans but us. I understand you can tell someone else, but in our family, we tell one another. Others may tell a buddy.

ariesathena · September 16, 2006, 5:48pm

I don’t disagree at all. “Peace of mind” is a completely valid reason to have your kids phone in, esp. when their base of operations is at home. My parents usually knew where I was - generally - often, I would use time in the car to get on my hands-free and catch up. When I drive down to law school (10 hours), they want to know when I arrive - or just assume that I did arrive. A lot of the traveling I do has me meeting other people on the opposite end (like my mom or my grandfather or whatever), so my dad’s attitude is that, once I’m at the airport, he’ll hear from the person on the other end of I didn’t make it.

It really ruffles my feathers when people get patronizingly overprotective. As mentioned earlier, I do the New England <-> law school drive a lot (I think I’m at 24 one-way trips). I’ve done law school to Florida. So when I drove out to the Midwest this summer for a friend’s wedding, it irked me when my mom all of a sudden was like, “You shouldn’t do that yourself.” Excuse me? It’s only 100 miles longer than the law school run, which I’ve done 20 of the 24 times on my own. So it’s okay for me to drive up and down the East Coast, but not to the Midwest?

That stuff breeds resentment, fast.

soozievt · September 17, 2006, 1:12am

Aries,I understand. We are basically saying the same thing…let someone know you arrived after a very long drive or plane ride. For my kids, we are the people they let know and we wanna know for peace of mind.

I understand the irony of your parents with the midWest drive.

Remember, I feel proud of myself for letting go once they hit college. In HS, I knew where they were at all times. Like I told you, I let my 18 1/2 year old drive 6000 miles to Alaska in nine days. This was only three months after 16 year old sister nearly died in a car crash. So, as I said, it is all perspective. Here I think I have let go and others may say I’m being overprotective to make 'em call. Others will say, “I can’t believe you let your sixteen year old on her own to live in NYC!” So, we all have different standards with this sort of thing. I thought I was doing pretty good here, lol. Pretty good for ME that is. I’ve made big strides since what I expected and knew when they lived at home. As they get even older, I likely will do less and less. Still, as I said, I’m 49, and when I go on a trip, I tell parents and also tell my kids.

I hear you on the irony thing with the not letting you drive to midwest, yet you have driven almost as far 24 times by now to the South. As I mentioned earlier, I thought my parents were ridiculous when I visited my boyfriend (now hubby) soph year up in VT where he was working and they would not let me stay at his condo even though we were a couple at college, where he had an apt. off campus and we could do whatever we wanted there, so what is the difference? That kind of thing is ironic.

However, one thing I can feel that you don’t (yet) is the worry about children. I can’t explain how that goes with the territory of being a mom but it just does. That is why my kids know that it helps ME to know their itinerary (again, not daily but for bigger things like going out of town) and to be called to know they made it, etc. They may feel no need to call but they oblige me when I tell them, that otherwise I will worry and wonder and that is very difficult. So, all summer, while my 19 year old traveled alone in a foreign country, I managed to let go, but it surely helped that she let us know her plans and called to let us know each time she arrived at a new destination. Without that, I would have been a nervous wreck not knowing if she was safe and knowing that nobody else was checking in on her whereabouts. So, she does oblige me. Maybe some kids would mind, but my kids do go along with this. I just have it as an expectation and maybe it will change when they are your age. One has been living away from home now two years and one has for one year and you are older and up to Law School already. So, I’m taking steps! :D

New freshman , new girlfriend. Too soon?

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