<p>I guess I don’t think setting up an adverserial relationship is advised–“parents have a right to know.” We’ve called our son as usual on Sunday and commented that his Boston dorm seems noisy–“oh, I’m in New York.” We’ve said we’d like to know if he’s leaving home turf. But sometimes he forgets and we don’t give him a hard time; we make fun of ourselves for being parent worriers and imply that he could humor us.</p>
<p>Our son’s gf hides from her father that she’s gone on vacations with our son. The mother knows. But unfortunately, the dad is old-fashioned and everyone just thinks it’s easier to keep him in the dark.</p>
<p>ariesathena: We’re not close to campus at all. In fact, it’s a long drive or bus trip from campus. I feel the same way as mattmom and would want to know where my child is and how to reach them in case of an emergency. We’ve discussed this with S and he has no problem with it. I agree that cell phones aren’t the same. Too often they are not charged or out of reach. </p>
<p>But I agree that whatever I think the GF should do is not really the point here.</p>
<p>Walkermom, just try not to be resentful of the GF for what she does or does not do with regards to her parents before you even met her. Different families have very different dynamics, and there is no one-size-fits-all correct approach.</p>
<p>"In my opinion, parents have a right to know where their children are if they are paying tuition "</p>
<p>I really don’t understand what does tuition have to do with it… I also always want to know where my kids are. And they always tell me if they go out of town, and what they are up to, and call when they get back - just because they know I’d worry otherwise. I don’t see this as my “right”, but as a part of functional parent/child relationship. </p>
<p>I think that basing your “rights” to know your college students’ whereabouts on the fact that you are paying their tuition is a good way to alienate them and make sure they never tell you anything you haven’t “payed” for…</p>
<p>It seems that Walkermom has a very good and open relationship with her son. Not all parents, and not all children are lucky enough to have it.</p>
<p>Yes, my children–even the married one, tell me when they are going out of town and where they will be. Though one time my d. did “sneak” off to DC for the weekend and didn’t tell me until after. Her excuse was that she knew I would worry about her driving alone, so she waited and told me when she was safely back ;). (Don’t think I bought that for a minute) To my knowledge, that was the only time one of the kids didn’t tell me ahead of time. I tell them that I still tell my mom—its just what people do who care about each other. But as nngmm says its different for differnt folk.</p>
<p>I know where my kids are when they leave campus. They tell me. I would expect them to. </p>
<p>That said, each family is different. It could be that this girl’s parents don’t have such expectations. It could be she doesn’t want to tell them because they won’t approve of her visiting your house overnight yet. She may not want them to know yet that she has a boyfriend as it is a new relationship and not that far along. Hard to say. I understand your issue with it but there is nothing you can do. You can always suggest to your son that you hope she has told her parents so they don’t worry, or something. </p>
<p>I recall lying to my parents soph year in college. My then boyfriend (now husband) had graduated my college. He is older than me and also graduated in Dec. of that particular year (my parents knew he was my boyfriend). That winter, he lived in VT and was a ski instructor (before going to grad school) in the town where we now live :). Over winter break, I drove up to visit and they knew that and that was not an issue. However, they would not let me stay with him. I think that was really dumb because up until that point, we could do what we wanted as we went to the same college far from home and in fact, I was semi living with him at his apt. off campus (though I had a dorm room). Now, I wasn’t allowed to stay at his condo (where he lived alone). So, in order to make the trip, hubby asked friends who owned a country inn here if my parents called (I said I’d be staying there), to act as if I was staying there but just not in and then to let us know. I made the trip and stayed with boyfriend. My parents called the country inn and they accidentally admitted that I wasn’t there and so my parents found out. (we got engaged one month later, btw, and married six months later!) </p>
<p>I share this because maybe your son’s gf might also have fears of telling her parents that she is going on trip with b/f.</p>
<p>Now, LFWB Dad, you’re going to start giving these parents ideas. Pretty soon, schools will figure out that, in addition to providing granite-topped kitchens for the darling chickadees, they can provide tracking systems (perhaps GPS embedded in a student ID).</p>
<p>I once surprised my 'rents by showing up in Massachusetts when I was sort of supposed to be at law school. Hell, the Red Sox had just won the World Series; my dad thought that the parade would be crowded; and I missed Boston and wanted to see Manny with the trophy. So I drove to DC, scooped up a friend, and then hauled butt to Massachusetts. Stayed overnight with a friend in the city ('rents are in the suburbs), went to the parade, and had a cell message upon my return (battery was dead; called in for voicemails from a landline - yes, y’alls nightmare). “Hey, we just got back from the best parade ever! I had chills going down my spine! Blah blah blah!” Called back from my friend’s phone - my dad sees the area code and says, “WHERE ARE YOU??” Me: “Amy’s! Wasn’t that parade amazing? See you in an hour!” (It sort of thwarted my plan to show up on the doorstep, cell in hand, and ring the doorbell while pretending to be south of the Mason-Dixon line.)</p>
<p>Yeah yeah yeah. My parents had a sense of humour about the whole thing. (Then again, I’ve also been known to do things like call and say, “Just letting you know, I’m going to San Francisco next weekend.”)</p>
<p>There is a difference between a law student telling his or her parents she is going to SF for the weekend, obviously no permission (or, presumably, funding) needed, and a college freshman playing first-break-of-freshman-year hide and seek with her parents. If you have a long weekend or fall break at that age, you usually do at least tell your parents what your plans are if you have any sort of pleasant relationship with them. If you are invited to go home with a friend who lives closer to school than you do, that’s nice, and usually parents like to know that sort of thing, not because they are prying or living through their chidlren, but just because…</p>
<p>Like many other parents I know perfectly well that when I was in college I did not share everything with my own parents, either because I knew they would disapprove or I just didn’t want to bother. But going home with a friend of either gender is pretty innocuous, and I am sure I told them that kind of thing. I cannot see why someone would be reluctant to tell one’s parents, unless it is because they really want to see her and have asked her to come home for break and she has told them she is too busy, or soething along those lines.</p>
<p>I must also note that although I am not entirely of the “my money/my way” school of parenting, I do think that if a car is registered in my name, for example, I have every right to know what state it is in and whether it is being driven someplace that is not in its general original job description. Same with a child’s credit card on a family’s account. I am disappointed and rather surprised by the sarcasm and disapproval that seems to drip from some of the posts on this board suggesting that parents who wants to know or expect to know their college student’s whereabouts are overprotective, possessive, having trouble letting go… whatever. I know there are families a lot more involved in each other’s lives than mine and families a lot less involved. As most of us know and admit, families don’t all function alike, any more than friendships and businesses do. My level of involvement works for me and I think it works msot of the time for my increasingly independent children. There is a difference between basic courtesy toward family members and keeping track of every trip to the mall or movies, and I am pretty sure that in other moods and other contexts the eloquent law student who now lives below the Mason-Dixon knows that. I have to say that when I travel alone I give my immediate family my itinerary; when my husband and I travel we tell our children where we are going; and on the rare occasions when we travel with one or both of our children (hardly ever anymore) we give another family member our travel information. I don’t think of us as being a very close family; it just seems like courtesy and common sense–like leaving a copy of your passport at home when you go abroad.</p>
<p>They could always leave the student ID somewhere on campus. I vote embed the GPS into the student’s neck as some pet owners do for their dogs with an ID microchip.</p>
<p>Mattmom, I"m with you on that issue. My kids are expected and do tell us when they are going out of town for the day or overnight. I have a kid in Italy right now (studying abroad) and she is going on a two day trip this weekend. She told me, and it is not like she doesn’t want me to know. We share this kind of information. If I am going to be away, I tell her too. If my other child leaves her college’s city, I’d expect her to tell me. It just is an unwritten expectation. Nobody has ever complained in my family about it. I think of my kids as independent and we have cut the supervision strings. Still, they are young, they are family, we support them, etc.</p>
<p>A lot of this has to do with my peace of mind and they know it. For instance, one of my D’s drove 6000 miles to Alaska at age 18. She was expected to call as she reached each daily destination (which she outlined a plan on paper ahead of time) to let us know she arrived safely. This past summer at age 19, she had a job in France. But before and after the job, she traveled ALONE to many destinations mostly in France. She told us her arrangements ahead of time, names of hotels, any flights involved, etc. As she reached each destination, she called to let us know she arrived safely. Other D was out of state this summer at a job. She had a car. She is 17 (had been away to college for one year at that point). If she drove out of town (she sometimes did to a friend’s who lived an hour away by car), she was to let us know she arrived safely and same on the return. This is a kid who almost died in a car crash at age 16. She knows I need that peace of mind. She also had never driven that distance before in her life alone, including highways. If she traveled by train to a city (which she did several times this summer), she let us know she got there, who she was staying with, her plans of when she’d be returning and then a confirmation that she returned back to her summer residence in another state safely. </p>
<p>I do not know their every local move like I did when they were in high school because I recognize they are now on their own. But any trips, yes, I do know. They are willing and happy to share such information. I know a lot about their daily stuff but they do no have to report in about that, though often call every few days and let us know what’s happening. I don’t know those moves when they are occurring. Trips, yes. Their safety and my peace of mind are worth it to me and they know it. It is a privilege that they get to do many of these things, even if they fund some of these trips themselves. They are still our offspring and under our support and I would expect to know their whereabouts when they leave the city in which they are residing. My kids have never complained. I am 49 and when I leave my state on a trip, my parents know too :D.</p>
<p>I also agree with those that emphasize they are adults, and not expected to tell me where they are going. They normally do, but that’s because we have pretty good communication. I can’t imagine pulling the “I pay the tuition, so…” card. (They have never had cars–I can’t afford that after paying the tuition, LOL). So I’ll hear about the band trips or spring break trips or visits to friends houses, most of the time.</p>
<p>But everyone once in a while, I’ll hear a “When I was at Rutgers last weekend,” or, yeah, we went to Yale for the night", or “spent the weekend in Boston” etc, and we’ll realize they hadn’t told me ahead of time. Hey, they’re responsible adults. As long as they do well in class, I really don’t think it’s my job or desire to monitor where they go or what they do.</p>
<p>Everyone needs to do what is comfortable for them. There is no right or wrong here. </p>
<p>I don’t think it my job to monitor my kids’ trips but my kids like to share, I like knowing about their lives, but most of all there is that communication for peace of mind that they are located in some other place out of town, they arrived safely and they returned safely and we know how to reach them in case the cell is not an option. I’m not talking going out for the evening but for when they leave the city in which they are located and go some place overnight. For me, it has nothing to do with my paying tuition. I let my kids know when I will be out of town. This also is the case between us and the grandparents.</p>
<p>Now, with my child traveling alone in a foreign country, if I did not know her itinerary or where she had planned to stay and then did not hear from her, I would not know who to contact or be able to report her whereabouts. So, her letting me know her plans and her arrival was for peace of mind and safety. My kids have never balked at this idea. </p>
<p>Others are comfortable without this and that’s cool. Even my kids’ grandparents like us to inform them that the kids made it to this or that trip destination or returned OK. When I travel, my parents, inlaws and kids know too. I’m reporting in and nobody is paying anything for me, LOL.</p>
<p>I like knowing which side of the globe my d. is on. (I think she is currently in Pinarella, which I’m told is south of Ravenna, which is south of Venice and north of Rimini, but I’m not sure. ;))</p>
<p>Walkermom,
Another thought on the fall break visit. While gf has not told her parents about your son yet, I’m guessing that there are still a few weeks until that break and she might tell them this weekend, even though your son didn’t think that was her plan, or she might be just waiting for the right moment. My daughter was going out with a guy for a few months before she mentioned him to us. I was suprised since she hadn’t mentioned him but she knew I would ask her the usual questions (what’s his major, where is he from, what does he look like?) and wanted to keep it to herself. She ended up breaking up with him before we met him. I totally trust my daughters choices in friends and she knows it, I only ask questions because I’m nosy. Maybe the gf is the same way - not nosy (!), private.</p>
<p>Personally, I wouldn’t worry about gf at all and just think of her as son’s new best friend, and be glad that he found someone that he can talk to. I would not mind my son having a girlfriend for that very reason. I also trust my son’s choices in friends, and I’m sure that any of the new ones he’s making are good ones.</p>
<p>The keeping in touch and my worrying is a conversation I’ve had with my kids a few times. My kids think that they will always be safe, that they will always have charged cell phones and if something bad happens, they will let me know then. Over her college years my daughter has gone to numerous concerts and trips to St. Louis (45 min) or Chicago (6 hours) and then told me after she had returned. That’s not to say it was deliberate on her part to keep something from us, but if she made plans after we had our weekly conversation or just didn’t think of it - no big deal to her - then we would hear about trips later. With 16 hours between us, and her funding all her trips, that seems reasonable. She has proven herself to be a trustworthy adult and that’s how we treat her. Frankly, I would like her to check in every time she goes on a little trip, but we’ve learned that her way works too.</p>
<p>Geez, Mini, I’m still trying to sell my 'rents on the “time zone” idea. I tell them when I’m leaving the time zone. Usually. :)</p>
<p>I was in college (21, paying my own apartment) when my company sent me out to the other coast. My dad (EST) didn’t mind; I called my mom (PST) from the airport, saying, “Hey, just thought I would give you a call, heading to San Fran.” I got a call two days later, “WHERE ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU THERE??” Geez, same country! :)</p>
<p>I don’t know about you guys but for me, in terms of connectivity in case there is an emergency, I like to know what location/city family members are in. Cells are not always reliable in certain situations. Also, if a young person is traveling alone, as mine have done both in and out of the country and they do not reach an intended destination or something of that sort, at least you know their itinerary or where they were last seen or expected, etc. I want to be able to reach my children, as well as have them know where I am located at all times, except when traveling within our respective general locales on a daily basis. </p>
<p>I have had a child in a serious accident and the fact that neither of her parents were reachable or available is something to think about. Same with in reverse.</p>
<p>Call me a worrier, I don’t mind. The notifying of an intinerary and the check in to let one know of arrival or departure has eased my peace of mind on MANY an occasion. One example, when 18 year old D was driving the Al Can Highway, her cell did not work. But she gave us each night’s proposed destination and called to say she arrived safely. Had she not called to let me know, I’d have worried so much. So, she does her little part to help me. It is not too much to ask and she doesn’t mind.</p>
<p>Susan, Your family’s model is an ideal one to me. It amply demonstrates that expecting this type of consideration does not mean the same thing as having a relationship that is overly demanding, controlling OR overprotective! The fact is that there will always be people in your life that will deserve to know your whereabouts based on their connection to you. </p>
<p>The point about emergencies is something that I can relate to all too well. Many years ago I was out of the country with H when I got the word that a very close relative of mine had unexpectedly died. Had I not made my family aware of my location, I would have never gotten back on time for the funeral or been able to be supportive to the rest of my family in a time of need, something I would have always regretted. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that emergencies don’t wait for a convenient time or place. Accomodating to loved ones on this issue is not overly demanding, IMO.</p>
<p>Roshke, well, glad my “way” is ideal to you :D. I want to make sure I don’t come across as my way is the best way. I still think it is a matter of what is most comfortable or works for one’s family. </p>
<p>I also was thinking about this some more because it is all a matter of perspective. Here I am all proud of myself for letting go…as I said, let one D at 18 drive 6000 miles to Alaska and at 19 travel by herself (without any companions) various places in Europe (not just to and from but ongoing), and many other trips and so forth. I’m proud of myself for letting my 16 1/2 year old go off to college in Manhattan after growing up in a rural town on a dirt road, which pretty much meant she was always supervised to some capacity as here you have to drive everywhere. I’m pretty proud I was able to let her go work in another state this summer at 17 where she didn’t know anyone, lived in a house, drove a car, fended for herself. I could go on but you get my drift. I think I have “grown” in what I allow them to do as they have gotten older and have gone off to college. I have had others say, “wow, you let your D travel alone in a foreign country and stay in hotels by herself, etc.? You let another one go off to live in NYC on her own at 16?” and so on. So, SOME people think even those things were permissive (and they are since I was pretty protective before they left for college in many ways). Then there are parents like one on the Musical Theater Forum recently whose 17 year old D flew to her summer program but the parent would not let the D take a taxi from the airport to the program alone and would only allow the teen to have an escort and many parents were surprised, including me. Then we have other parents who say, I don’t know where my kid is in India or Italy or jipip and that’s fine, and I don’t know if my kid flew or drove to some city far away for the weekend and that’s fine. </p>
<p>So, I thnk it is all perspective. What some think is overprotective or what some think is total freedom and what some think is letting go or not, is in the eye of the beholder! I think I fall somewhat in the middle. I don’t criticize the two ends of the extreme, but just that they are not for me!</p>